‘I hope you’re taking a proper break and looking after those children of yours.’
Harriet stared back at her mother on the screen. She didn’t know what possessed her to answer the Skype call once she had finished her conference call with work, but her mum’s name had flashed up on the computer as calling and she’d clicked answer before she’d even thought about what she was doing.
‘I’m taking a break, Mum.’
‘So why are you in your room on your computer then?’
Harriet felt her cheeks flush red and contemplated lying. Instead she chose to bend the truth. ‘I came up to the room to get Isla’s goggles and saw you were calling.’ It wasn’t strictly a lie. She had said to Isla that she would bring her goggles back down with her once she had finished her conference call.
‘Harriet, I am your mother and I can tell when you are lying. If there’s one thing I hate more than salespeople knocking on my door whilst I’m trying to watch Neighbours, it’s when people lie. And you, my darling, are lying.’
Harriet exhaled, feeling like a teenager again having been told off many times by her mum for lying when she got in late from parties after curfew. ‘I just needed to make a quick conference call, so I came up to do that and am now on my way back down to the pool. Isla is playing in the water with Nancy; she’s having a great time. She doesn’t even know I’m gone.’ This statement hurt more than Harriet liked to admit. If there was one thing she wished she was better at, it was being a mum. She sucked at it. Massively sucked at it. She had the perfect image in her head when she first fell pregnant, of juggling work and parenthood and achieving everything on both levels. In reality, she struggled to achieve consistently in both, one always had to give. Harriet’s natural talent lay in the boardroom. She was incredibly good at her job and always did well in her career – which was why it made sense to start her own company. However, motherhood didn’t have the same effect on her and she had to try really hard at it. She didn’t like to fail at things. So rather than admit she was failing, she found it easier to pretend that everything was fine and not listen to the fact that she knew her children didn’t see her as much as they should. Or that sometimes the time she spent with them was half-hearted because she was afraid to get too far in and realise how rubbish she was at it.
‘And Tommy?’ Her mother asked.
‘What about him?’
‘Where is he?’
Harriet knew the lecture that was coming as the words came out of her mouth in a defeated tone. ‘He’s at the kids’ club.’
And here it came.
‘Harriet, why on earth are you putting him in kids’ club when you’re away on holiday? He should be with his family. This isn’t a working holiday; it’s for you to be seeing those kids of yours because they need to know that Mummy is there for them, and that she doesn’t always have her nose stuck in the computer.’
‘I am there for them! I work bloody hard so that I can be there for them. You don’t realise how hard it is to be a single mother who is working full-time and trying to keep a company going whilst keeping a house going too.’ As soon as she said it she regretted it. She should know by now, never to answer her mum back. She would never back down. It was where Harriet got her business head from and her spunkiness in the boardroom – no one messed with her. Apart from her mum, of course.
‘I don’t understand?’ The emphasis on I set the tone for how the rest of this argument went. ‘Do you not remember how I juggled looking after you and your sister when your father left? And you say I don’t know what it’s like to be a single parent?’
‘With all due respect mum, you weren’t working though so you could afford to put in the time with us.’
‘So now I’m not good enough because I wasn’t working – because I was a stay-at-home mum?’
‘Oh for goodness’ sake mum, that’s not what I am saying.’ Harriet put her head into her hands and clenched her teeth. Why had she picked up the call? She should know by now, never pick up the call unless she had a G&T in her hand.
‘I suppose your sister doesn’t understand either seeing as she is just a stay-at-home mum.’
This was a lost cause. ‘I’m not saying that Mum, and you know it. I’m just saying that I’m trying to keep my business afloat so that I can provide for my children because my arsehole of a husband didn’t stick around to pay maintenance or anything, did he? He just fu— … went off.’ She curbed her language remembering who she was speaking to.
‘You could provide for your children by getting a job during school hours and then being there to pick them up – I was always there for you and Bethany at the end of the day. You were never picked up by anyone else. I always made you nutritious meals – from scratch – and every time you needed a costume for a play I would spend hours hand stitching one for you. When do you ever get time to do any of that with your full-time job, huh?’
Harriet was forced to think of the throw together meals she served her children, last minute dashes to the shop for whatever costume was left the night before World Book Day (mostly superheroes) and all the times she’d spent running into the playground with her phone glued to her ear shouting Thanks, sorry! to the teacher who was sitting with her child because she was late – yet again. ‘I’m trying my best, Mum.’
‘Well, clearly you aren’t trying hard enough. It’s your holiday, Harriet. Get yourself down to that pool and enjoy spending some time with your children. And promise me you will go and get Tommy out of the crèche right now.’
Harriet nodded, defeated. If anyone could make her feel worse about being a shit mum, it was her own mother!
***
‘Well hello there, little guy,’ Nancy smiled at Tommy in Harriet’s arms and then looked at her. ‘Everything OK?’
Harriet was too proud to tell Nancy that her mum had given her a telling off and now she was trying to play at being a better mum for the sake of her children – and her sanity. ‘Yeah, just thought he could come and do some swimming with us seeing as he’s been in the club all morning.’ She sat down and wriggled Tommy out of his top and trousers, ready to put him into his little swimsuit. Her phone beeped from inside her pocket and she knew instantly that it was a work email. She tensed, knowing that she should check it because it was likely to be the office feeding back about the meeting, but she could hear her mother’s voice in the back of her head telling her not to dare touch that phone. She also knew it was something Nancy was aware of too, so she felt pressured not to look at the email. It was frustrating because she wanted to look at it. She enjoyed her work; it interested her – that was why she did it. She had always been a career-driven person and she genuinely found her work enjoyable, so it becoming such a big issue was causing her quite a bit of stress. Half of her wanted to engage with the office and find out what was going on because she was interested, but the other half knew that she should be making the most of this holiday and using the time to try to make progress with the children. Her head was a hard place to be at times!
‘Do you want me to read it to you?’ Nancy asked.
‘No, it’s fine, I’ll check it later.’ Even as she said it she knew it sounded weird coming from her mouth. She never just checked things later, Nancy was sure to know something was up.
‘Is everything OK?’
‘Yes,’ she answered a little too abruptly. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ She struggled to get Tommy into the swimsuit and he began to wriggle and whinge. ‘Sit still, sweetie.’
‘Well, you went to do the call and came back with Tommy and you’re not checking your emails which is very unlike you.’
‘Tommy sit still, I am trying to get your arm in so we can go swimming!’ Tommy began to cry, and Harriet stopped what she was doing and let him fling his arm out for the fiftieth time.
After a moment, Nancy added, ‘And you seem a little stressed.’
‘Nancy, I’m fine!’ She took Tommy’s arm again and tried to get it into the suit. The heat was probably contributing to Tommy’s agitation, and it certainly wasn’t helping her own mood. She was normally a sun worshipper – she only had to look at a blue sky to tan. But now the blistering heat was scratching at her skin as she manoeuvred her one-year-old’s spring loaded body.
‘Look, do you want me to do it?’ Nancy began to move towards her.
‘No Nancy, I don’t! I am perfectly capable of getting my son into his swimsuit – I’m not completely useless.’ She felt the tears well up and immediately blinked them back. There was no way she was shedding tears over this crap. Why was this suit so hard to put on – arms in, legs in, simple! Why couldn’t she do it?
‘Hari, what in God’s name is wrong with you? No one said you’re useless. Has something happened – did someone say something to you?’ Nancy was now sitting up with concern etched on her face. As nice as it was that Nancy clearly cared about her, Harriet wished she would just drop it.
Hari softened her tone in a bid to appear like she wasn’t falling apart and losing grip on everything and said, ‘Nance, honestly I’m fine. Just a bit of work stress but I’m taking some time to enjoy swimming with my children and I’ll sort it out later.’ Nancy didn’t move so Harriet added with a forced smile, ‘I’m fine, honestly.’
She took a discreet deep breath and tried again with Tommy’s arm, but he just wasn’t playing ball at all. ‘What is the deal with these wetsuits, they’re impossible to get on!’ Tommy’s arm flung out again. ‘Why can’t I do this?’
‘Look, I’ll show you a trick.’ Nancy leaned over and within a few seconds Tommy was all kitted up and ready to go in the water – he had even stopped crying.
Thanks Tommy, for making it obvious that you like your mummy’s friend more than her.
See? It’s quite easy once you know how. I remember Jack being a pain when he was Tommy’s age and would have a meltdown because he didn’t like the feel of it going on, so I had to work out a way to get it on with minimal effort.’
Harriet smiled and pretended she had seen exactly how easy it was when in reality, it looked like Nancy had done a sweep, flick and point, and it was done. Mummy magic – something Harriet lacked.
‘OK, I guess we are all set. Come on, little man, let’s go swimming.’ The second Harriet took Tommy he started whining and reaching out for Nancy again. Just another stab to the heart. ‘Come on, Auntie Nancy is having a rest, you’re coming with me.’ He squirmed in her arms as she walked to the water’s edge and she felt herself welling up again. What the hell was wrong with her – why was everything getting to her so much? She swallowed down the emotion and walked towards Isla who had made friends with some of the other children in the pool and was pretending to be a spider.
Harriet waded in until she was knee deep and then bent down so she was kneeling and then sat back onto her feet. As soon as Tommy’s feet touched the water he screamed. Harriet quickly lifted him up in a panic. ‘What is it? Did I catch your toe?’ She inspected his foot, but it looked fine. She looked at the other foot. Nothing. She tried again and lowered him in, another scream and he clambered up her, digging his little nails into her shoulder.
‘Ouch! Tommy, careful!’ She peeled his hands off.
‘He doesn’t like the water, hey?’ A woman near her said and smiled warmly.
And then it dawned on her; of course that was it. Why hadn’t she figured that out instead of looking for an injury like an idiot? She glanced around her, the pool was heaving with people. Families, couples, parents, children – absolutely packed. She felt like everyone was looking at her. When she was at work, she didn’t mind people looking at her – in fact, she got annoyed when people didn’t look at her when she was addressing them or presenting something. But she knew what she was doing in that situation. Here, doing this whole parenting thing when your child had decided they would rather spend time with anyone but you, wasn’t the time you wanted people looking at you and judging your every move.
She looked away from the woman, unable to make eye contact for fear of seeing the judgemental disappointed glare she was normally met with. ‘Guess not,’ she replied, nervously laughing. She felt the most inadequate she had ever felt. When she was at home, she had a routine and she knew what she was doing – granted, it was a hectic mess but at least she knew where she stood. But here, it was like everything was magnified; other parents were rubbing in her face how much fun they were having and how incapable Harriet was.
She tried again, gently talking to Tommy and willing him to not scream again as she lowered him towards the water. Another wail accompanied by kicking the legs and scratching her skin off her shoulder. ‘OK, fine! We won’t go in the water!’ she said, feeling highly embarrassed. She turned to leave the pool when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She spun round to see the woman who had spoken to her a moment ago.
‘I don’t want to step on your toes or anything, but my little boy had a fear of water when he was a baby.’ Harriet looked to the woman’s little boy who was frolicking around in the pool, splashing his father and dunking his own head under the water. She turned her head back to the mum and raised an eyebrow. ‘I know, he’s like a totally different person now but believe me, when he was a baby, he would scream blue murder every time we went near the water.’ Harriet turned to face the woman who was smiling sympathetically. ‘It’s tough and can be so upsetting to see them like that so I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone and to not beat yourself up over it.’
Harriet didn’t know what to say in response. She wasn’t used to this expression of comradery between mothers. This act of kindness between two strangers was … well, strange. It didn’t feel natural so the more the woman spoke, the more uncomfortable Harriet became. She supposed, in a way, she was bit like Jack. She didn’t feel comfortable with people until she got to know them. It was nice to make that little connection with him.
‘I hope I haven’t offended you!’ Her comment snapped Harriet out of her daze. ‘I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. You looked a bit stressed so I just wanted to say you’re not alone, that’s all.’ She looked a bit worried. ‘I’m Jayne, by the way.’ She smiled, and the smile lit up her whole face. Her auburn, poker-straight hair, pulled over one of her freckly shoulders, was slightly tucked into her mint green costume and, as a result, gave her hair a kick of volume that Harriet could only wish for. Her own hair was about as flat as you could get it.
‘Harriet,’ she held out her hand formally, the only way she knew how to act when meeting new people. It had taken her years to get to the hugging stage with Nancy and even now, Nancy knew when she wasn’t in the mood for touchy feely stuff. It was one of the things her husband had commented on when he’d left.
‘You’re so closed off – I feel like you’re shutting me out all the time. If you’re not at work you’re planning work at home. You won’t let me touch you, not even give you a hug. It’s like you’re married to your job! I’m supposed to be your husband, for crying out loud!’
The words still stung when she thought about it. But he didn’t understand, Harriet felt as though no one did. A woman was expected to be naturally maternal. Any woman who said they didn’t want children was seen as a monster in this society. But Harriet did want children – she just wanted her career too. And if you wanted to get anywhere in life, you had to make sacrifices. And her marriage had been one of those sacrifices. She didn’t have the time – or emotional capacity – to have a husband as well as a demanding job alongside her two children. Something had to give. It was damn hard though and she really missed having that extra person to bounce off or to moan to when things were rough. Not that she would admit that to anyone! She never told anyone, not even Nancy, that some days she regretted not doing more to save her marriage. She wished she’d spent more time nurturing her relationship instead of whittling away hours at the computer. She had never been good at that balance – it was something she desperately wanted to change. She just didn’t know how.
‘Nice to meet you, Harriet, and who’s this handsome little guy?’ Jayne put her finger inside his hand and he gripped it, giving her a huge smile. ‘Oh, you’re adorable and look at that little toothy peg coming out up the top!’
Harriet found herself smiling at her son who was quite the little charmer, she realised. She then felt a pang of guilt as she realised that she had spent so much time juggling everything over the last year since he was born that she felt she didn’t really know who he was. She didn’t know he didn’t like water. She didn’t even know he had another tooth coming out at the top. Why had it taken this stranger noticing for Harriet to see how bad things had got? That fact alone was so disheartening. She was a work-a-holic, yes, but she always felt like she had her children’s best interests at heart. But she was missing things, big things. She had to try to figure out a way to balance things better when she got home – otherwise, Tommy and Isla were going to grow up resenting her. The idea of that made her feel sick. How could trying so hard to do the right thing for your family be so damaging at the same time? It was draining.
‘This is Tommy,’ she said, rubbing her finger down his chubby cheek and almost melting when he looked at her and smiled. He hardly ever smiled at her. ‘And my little girl is over there with the rainbow swimsuit on.’ Just talking about the children made her a little emotional.
‘Well, Tommy you are just adorable and I love the rainbow suit your sister has on!’ Jayne pointed over her shoulder. ‘That’s my husband, Richard, with our son Frankie and over by the slide with the purple swimsuit, that’s April, our daughter.’ She turned back to Harriet. ‘Have you been here long?’
‘We arrived three days ago. You?’
‘We are on day five. Still have a few more days though so no need to start thinking about work yet, hey?’ she laughed.
‘Oh, you work?’ It came out sounding a little patronising. ‘I mean, what do you do?’ She was back on familiar ground talking jobs.
‘I’m a freelance editor. How about you, do you work?’
‘Yes, I run my own marketing company.’
‘Oh, how exciting – your own business. And you have two children. Hats off to you – you must be like a super mummy! I struggle to get work done and I’m only part-time.’ She was beaming, and her eyes lit up every time she flashed a smile. Harriet found herself smiling along reflexively.
It was meant as a compliment, but Harriet felt like a liar, this woman thinking she was totally acing parenthood when really, she was holding on by the skin of her teeth! ‘It’s not easy but we get by.’
‘Well good for you, are you here alone or with family?’
‘I’m here with my friend, Nancy, and her little boy.’ She pointed over her shoulder back to the loungers where Nancy was fully reclined and holding a paperback above her head, with Jack now back at the loungers, resuming his usual position.
‘How lovely, a girls’ holiday, hey?’ Jayne smiled. ‘Well, I’d better get back to the others. I just wanted to say hi – I’m sure we’ll see you around the complex. Just don’t give up with the water and this little one.’ She tickled Tommy’s feet and he giggled. ‘He’ll get over it, you just need to persist and don’t worry about what others think when he screams – he’s a child, they all scream.’ She gave a friendly smile before turning and going back to her family.
Harriet felt a burst of confidence after chatting with Jayne and decided that she wouldn’t give up and would get Tommy in the water and loving it even if it was the last thing that she did. She bent down again and dipped his feet in – he responded with an almighty wail and threw his arms up, scratching Harriet in the eye and knocking her sunglasses off her head into the pool where she trod on them, snapping them clean in half.
‘OK, maybe we’ll try another day.’ She grabbed the remains of her glasses and stomped back to the safety of the sun loungers.