The following morning Harriet woke up to the sound of Isla reading Tommy a book. Actually reading was probably an ambitious word. It was more a case of Isla turning the pages and making up her own little stories which involved a princess who was really mad at a dragon for not being her friend just because she was a girl. So the princess gained some magical powers by eating some sweets and made the dragon change its mind and they became best friends and went on adventures.
Isla clearly had the potential of being a children’s entertainer when she was older with that eccentric mind. Either that or a writer – writers were all as crazy as a box of frogs!
Harriet rolled over and checked her phone – 06:45. She groaned. She had finally got to sleep about 4.30 a.m. once Nancy and Jack had returned. It had been a very emotional night and Nancy hadn’t said much when she’d got in, she’d just taken Jack into their room and said she would speak in the morning. She really hoped everything was OK. She couldn’t tell at that point if Nancy was mad at her or upset with her. Harriet had to prepare herself for that. And rightly so, Harriet couldn’t escape the fact that Jack had gone missing whilst in her care. Was their friendship now in question? Would they be able to come back from this? This holiday was supposed to be a positive thing for the pair of them – not a funeral for their twenty-two-year friendship.
‘Mummy, is it breakfast time yet?’
Harriet exhaled – all that child did was eat. Even when she was still chewing she was likely to be asking what was next to eat. ‘Not yet, Isla, we need to wait until Jack and Nancy are ready.’
‘Shall I go wake them?’
‘No!’ She corrected her tone. ‘Let them sleep sweetheart, they are tired.’
‘But I’m hungry.’
Harriet groaned and picked up her handbag, rifling around inside for something she could snack on. ‘Here.’ She handed over a cereal bar that she had shoved in there the other day when she was trying her hand at being a super-organised mum like Nancy. ‘Have this for now. Give Tommy a little bit too if he wants it.’ Isla skipped off back to where she was sitting with Tommy in his cot and continued her dramatic story which had now taken a twist and involved a fairy as well as a talking cow.
After about twenty minutes of aimlessly messing around on social media on her phone, trying to keep her brain ticking over without letting it drop into the realms of guilt, pity and frustration with herself, she glanced up as Nancy walked into their room. ‘Morning,’ she said quietly.
Harriet couldn’t judge the tone. ‘Morning,’ she replied. ‘Coffee?’
Nancy nodded gratefully, barely lifting a smile. She looked exhausted, although this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Her face was gaunt and drawn and she had dark circles under each eye. Harriet’s stomach twisted in sadness for her. She wanted to take away the pain, make it all ok again. But she couldn’t.
‘Morning Nancy! I’m reading to Tommy!’ Isla’s voice was a welcome break in the tension. Light, bouncy and full of innocence. Harriet was so glad to hear her speak.
‘That’s kind of you,’ Nancy replied, forcing a smile and Harriet crashed back down to reality.
‘Does Jack want to listen to my story?’ Isla chirped.
‘Maybe in a little while, sweetie.’
‘How is he?’ Harriet asked as Nancy joined her at the bed. ‘Did you both manage to get some sleep?’ She tried to keep her face and tone positive, happy … not the worried, nervous mess she actually was. She stood and made the coffee, just for something to do.
Nancy sat down on the end of the bed and exhaled. ‘Sort of. I didn’t really sleep, I just lay next to him, thinking. He slept though.’ She nodded and a tiny, forced smile played briefly on her lips.
Harriet passed her the coffee and sat down on the chair next to the dresser which faced the end of the bed where Nancy was sat. She needed to say something. She couldn’t just ignore the elephant in the room, it had to be acknowledged. ‘Nance, I am so sorry. I—’
Nancy held up her hand to stop Harriet talking. ‘Please, you don’t need to apologise. Really.’
‘Yes, I do! You left me in charge of your child and had to come home to all of that. I just don’t know how it happened.’ She genuinely didn’t. But did that make it any better? Or worse? She didn’t know. ‘Did he speak to you?’
Nancy nodded. ‘After we got back and had laid in bed for a bit, he started talking to me. He said that he wanted to see me so came looking for me. But then got lost and scared so stayed inside the treehouse because it was less scary than walking around the hotel and it reminded him of his treehouse at home.’
Harriet put her hand on her chest as it constricted with distress. Thoughts of him just walking out of the room plaguing her mind – how had he just left like that? It didn’t add up. ‘Oh bless him, poor thing. How the hell did he get past me? I would’ve seen him come into our room to leave. Your door was locked, wasn’t it?’
Nancy nodded. ‘He came through when you were in the toilet apparently. I asked him why he didn’t just wait and talk to you, but he just kept saying he wanted to see me so he left. Just like that. I don’t think he realised the consequences of what he was doing. To him, he wanted to see me so he came looking for me.’ She shrugged as she exhaled.
Harriet shook her head in disbelief and sipped her coffee. She thought her life was hard parenting her two children but Nancy was dealing with a whole new level of it. Underneath all the anguish, Harriet had grown a new sense of respect for her friend. ‘And how is he now? Is he awake?’
Nancy nodded. ‘Yeah he doesn’t sleep much anyway and he likes to keep in routine so he’s been awake since about six. He will be knackered later but I can’t force him to sleep. I think we’ll just take it easy today and see what happens. To be honest, I don’t think I could function much more than just chilling today anyway.’ She gulped down more coffee.
‘Well that’s fine; we can just chill by the water or go to the beach?’ Harriet desperately wanted to make things better. She tried to keep her voice jolly and upbeat.
Nancy shook her head. ‘If it’s OK, I might just stay in. I feel a bit anxious about taking him out of the room to be honest, so I might have a day with him in here, playing some games and relaxing.’
‘OK,’ Harriet replied. ‘We can stay with you.’
Nancy shook her head. ‘Honestly, it’s fine. Don’t ruin the last day of the holiday because of it. We are fine on our own.’
‘But—’
‘Hari, its fine. Your two will want to get out and we can’t expect them to stay in all day. Maybe we can meet up a bit later – I just don’t want to rush him, that’s all. He’s still a bit apprehensive this morning.’
Harriet nodded. ‘I understand, no problem.’ She paused. ‘Have you spoken to Cameron this morning?’
Nancy shook her head. ‘No, why?’
‘No reason, it’s just he was really concerned yesterday so thought he would’ve messaged you or something.’ She knew her friend inside out and knew already how this would affect her new friendship with Cameron.
‘It’s still pretty early though. Plus, he’s probably just thinking that maybe he should keep his distance. It was pretty full on last night. I think seeing Jack’s meltdown shocked him. Even though he’s probably seen similar things a thousand times with his cousin’s child, it’s different when it’s unexpected and with someone new.’ She exhaled. ‘I’m still not used to them – I don’t think I’ll ever be used to them.’
‘Well, everyone has dramas, don’t they?’ Harriet thought about the phone call with her mum last night and almost laughed to herself. That was nothing in comparison to what Nancy was going through but in her own little bubble, it was pretty horrific to listen to the way in which her mother had perceived the situation and proceeded to tell Harriet what a crap mother she was. She had managed to push it to the back of her mind for a bit but now it came screaming back into her conscious.
‘Anyway let’s talk about something else. I literally cannot keep going over and over last night – it is driving me insane. If I keep talking about it I am going to continue to pick apart my parenting skills bit by bit until there’s nothing left!’ She finished the coffee in her mug and placed the cup back onto the side, taking her hands and rubbing them over her face as she took a deep breath.
‘Oh, well, you want to feel a little bit better about your parenting?’ Harriet asked, still sipping her coffee and laughing. Nancy nodded. ‘Apparently I am selfish; I don’t care about my children and am a disgrace to my family.’
Nancy’s mouth dropped open even wider with each point that Harriet made. ‘Oh my God, what?’
‘Yep,’ she nodded. ‘Selfish, a workaholic and a disappointment.’
‘Your mother.’ Nancy said, more of a statement than a question. ‘What happened?’
‘Well, I made the mistake of telling her about the whole nanny idea and she completely flipped out. Said I was palming my children off and then … told me she would look after them because they deserved to have some sort of settled life as I was creating so much upheaval!’
‘Oh, Hari, please tell me you’re not letting this get to you.’
She shrugged and looked away.
‘Listen, you’re never going to please your mum. You know what she’s like – if there is some way of her picking something apart or criticizing, she will. That’s just her personality isn’t it? Be thankful you’re not like her!’
‘I guess. It’s just, well, she keeps saying how she and Bethany were able to do it and I can’t help but wonder why I can’t? What is it they have that I don’t?’ She started using her hands, adding animation to her story the more worked up she got. ‘I mean, put me in a boardroom and I’m fine. I can do that – but put me at home with these two and I just feel totally out of my depth.’
‘That’s just you, it’s how you work.’ Nancy paused. ‘And I guess maybe I need to remember that with Jack.’
Harriet frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
She shuffled on the bed. ‘Well, I spend so much time thinking about what life would be like if Jack wasn’t struggling with his autism and I guess I need to just appreciate that yes he is different but maybe that’s OK. If everyone was the same, life would be boring.’
‘Our lives are anything but boring, my love.’
‘Very true.’ Nancy stood up. ‘Right, you get yourself sorted and take those kids out and maybe later on you could bring us back some ice cream or something?’
Harriet stood up and nodded. ‘Sounds like a plan.’ She moved forward and pulled Nancy into a hug. She wasn’t a hugging type of person but even she knew that this situation called for it. She had learnt some new things about herself on this break, maybe she should embrace the hugging thing women do too. ‘It’ll be alright, you know. He’s safe now – it’s just a hurdle to get over.’
Nancy nodded and smiled. ‘I know, thanks Hari. And maybe you should listen to your own advice too, hey.’
Harriet saluted and then tapped Nancy on the bum. ‘OK you, off you go – I need a shower.’
Whilst she knew she should practise what she preached, it wasn’t as easy as that when your mother was continuously ripping apart every ounce of your self-esteem and flushing it down the toilet.