‘You’ve gone very quiet on me, I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark by telling you all this? I don’t want to scare you off.’ Jayne looked a little worried and Harriet immediately felt bad.
‘God no! Not at all. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to go quiet. It’s amazing that you felt you were able to open up to me and tell me all of that – you’ve certainly been through it and I’m so sorry you have.’
‘It was a horrible time but in all honesty, it has made me the person I am today. I needed to go through that to be able to come out the other side and change my life.’
‘What has changed for you, apart from the obvious feeling better?’ Harriet poured some water from the jug for both of them.
‘I look after myself a lot more and I care for my body.’ Harriet pulled a face. ‘I’m not saying you have to turn to yoga and stop eating meat and take herbal supplements, but just being more aware of your body and what stresses you put on it. I exercise a lot more now because exercise is amazing both for your body and for your mental health. I make better choices about the food I eat and little changes like switching to herbal or decaf late afternoon so that I know I get a good night’s sleep.’
‘I can’t remember the last time I slept for a good amount of time.’ If it wasn’t Tommy up in the night it was Isla, and if it wasn’t either of them, it was work emails keeping her up.
‘You see, it’s not good for you and it all piles up and then you explode. I also started talking about things. I started a blog and I spoke about what I went through. I keep my friends and family in the loop when I’m feeling stressed or low – because it still happens. You don’t just switch off depression and never have it again, if you go down once you have the potential to go down again. It’s training yourself to notice the signs so that when you start slipping, you stop it in its tracks. I go running when I feel it slipping back in, and I talk to people. Sometimes I’ll talk to my husband; sometimes I’ll blog about it. But you have to talk.’
‘What if you don’t have anyone to talk to?’ No matter how bad she was feeling, there was no way on this earth she was about to open up to her mum and leave the door wide open for judgement and anxiety. And Nancy had her own stuff to deal with; she didn’t need all this unloaded on her like Harriet had earlier. It should never have spilled out like that – that wasn’t going to happen again.
‘There are many places you can go to talk to someone when you’re struggling. It can be the doctor’s or a clinic or a group, or if you wanted to stay more anonymous, it could be an online group. You don’t have to disclose your identity and you only reveal what you want people to know. But don’t bottle it up – it’s like poison. It seeps through your body so rapidly and before you know it you can see no way out.’ Harriet nodded. ‘So what’s your situation?’ Jayne took her chance and asked the question that had been hanging in the air.
Harriet knew it was coming and there had been times when Jayne was talking that she’d wanted to talk about her own situation, but she couldn’t find the words. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But just know that I am here and I am impartial.’ Jayne smiled. ‘And I will never ever judge anyone.’
Harriet took a huge gulp of her drink and finished the glass. ‘I’m struggling to bond with Tommy.’
Jayne nodded. ‘Well done for saying it out loud, I know that’s a hard thing to do.’
‘I feel like such an awful mother saying that – especially when I have Isla too. But I coped fine with her.’ Her heart was racing, pulsing rapidly as she let the words that were haunting her slowly trickle out.
‘What’s different now?’
She kept her gaze out to sea, not wanting to look at Jayne as she spoke. She said she was impartial, but Harriet was afraid of seeing that judgement behind her eyes. She had seen it so many times before and it hurt. Even if she did try to cover it up. ‘Home life, my relationship fell apart, work has increased … loads.’
‘OK, so that’s good, you know what some of the triggers are. Identifying them is one of the toughest parts. Is there anything you can change?’
‘Well my dickhead husband has fucked off so that’s a positive – although it doesn’t sound like it. He wasn’t very supportive with my work or the children so him being gone is a good thing.’
‘Do you have support in other ways now that he’s gone?’ Jayne was so good at this. Harriet didn’t feel harassed for answers but at the same time, it was forcing her to evaluate her situation which was what she needed to do to be able to move forward. And that’s what she wanted, to move forward and go home feeling like things could get better, not stay as stressed and confusing as they currently were.
Harriet shook her head. ‘Not really, I’m doing everything myself.’
‘Do you have to do everything?’
‘Who else am I going to ask?’
‘What is it you need help with?’
Harriet exhaled. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Can you delegate out some things to others? What are the most important things in your life that you want to be doing and not someone else?’
‘My job and obviously being with my children. But all I seem to be doing is cooking – and when I say cooking I mean bunging a tray of beige food in the oven and hoping they’ll eat it – or giving them a bath or pretending to listen to them whilst I type emails with one hand.’ She took a gulp of drink. ‘Bloody hell, contender for mum of the year right here.’
Jayne laughed. ‘You’d be surprised just how many people will understand your situation. It’s all about prioritising and time management. It might be because you are so focused on work and you don’t get that play time with the children that you feel the bond isn’t there. Do you think?’ she questioned.
‘Maybe.’
‘So you need to find a way to gain that time with them to get to know them, who they are and what they like – and take out all the unnecessary jobs that you can delegate out to others. You’re a businesswoman Harriet so project manage your life. What jobs do you want to keep for yourself and which ones can you delegate out and either get some paid help or ask friends to help.’
Harriet nodded and picked up the empty water jug. ‘You’re right.’ And she was. Harriet spent all her time priding herself on her ability to manage projects at work and hit deadlines and achieve, yet when it came to her home life, all her organisational skills went out the window. Why was that? She wasn’t sure she had the answer, but maybe she didn’t need all the answers. Maybe just acknowledging that she wasn’t doing it was enough. She needed to apply her work self to her home life and make progress there too. It’s like Jayne had said – she needed to project manage her life. ‘I can totally do that. I have all the skills to make things flow and get the jobs done; I just need to apply these skills at home and with the children. It makes sense – on paper.’
Jayne shook her head. ‘Not just on paper, Harriet, you can 100 per cent achieve this. How would you attack a project at work?’
She instantly felt at ease on work ground. ‘I would identify all the required needs, allocate the necessary jobs to appropriate delegates, cross plan it with finance to make sure it was achievable and then oversee the project as a whole to ensure the continued smooth transition from concept to delivery.’
‘Said like a true pro,’ Jayne laughed.
Usually, someone laughing at Harriet would spark annoyance and send her into defence mode. But actually, Jayne was complimenting her and this conversation had shown Harriet that her work talents were transferable to her family. ‘Why haven’t I thought of this before!’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘It sounds obvious now you say it.’
‘Sometimes it takes an outsider to help guide you to what’s obvious. That’s why it is so important to talk. About anything. Talking helps you mentally and emotionally but it also helps to find solutions and focus. You just need to find the people you can talk to, that’s all.’
Harriet nodded. She felt about eight feet tall and bursting with confidence. She knew what she had to do – now she just had to put her plan into action. This holiday was giving her more than she bargained for.