‘Do you want an omelette?’ Harriet asked Nancy as she scanned the breakfast buffet. Nancy shook her head. ‘I’m not sure if I fancy one or not. Although the pancakes do seem to be calling me.’
‘Now you’re talking.’
Harriet made her way up to the breakfast buffet, leaving the kids with Nancy, and glanced along at the selection of food on show. Only on holiday could you get away with such a wide mix of foods for breakfast: cereals, breads, meats, cheeses, yogurts, hot breakfasts, fruit … Harriet was tempted to get an assortment of everything.
‘Quite a selection, huh?’
She looked over her shoulder and saw Jayne, the woman from the pool, next to her with her son on her hip.
‘Isn’t it? I feel like I’m going to put on a million stone whilst we are here.’
‘That’s all part of going all-inclusive, isn’t it? That’s what I keep telling my husband anyway. I’ll do some extra Zumba classes when I get home to make up for it.’ She laughed. ‘Have you had any luck with your little one and the water yet?’
Harriet shook her head. She didn’t admit that she hadn’t tried him since for fear of failing yet again. This woman would probably be nice to her face but then bitch about her behind her back. She had seen enough playground gatherings to know that was what happened. That was why she never did the school run on time, but instead always left it to the last minute so she didn’t have to stop and endure the pointless niceties that would be thrown back in her face as soon as her back was turned. Nope, she wasn’t going to feed herself to the lions. Straight out the car, into school and back in the car. Done. Efficient, smart … safe. It wasn’t a normal way to work and Harriet wasn’t stupid; she knew that her perception on this was slightly warped. But she didn’t know any other way to be but firm and regimented. It stemmed from her insecurities as a parent but with no one telling her she was doing OK, encouraging her decision-making, she had no choice but to let those thoughts and fears manifest into self-doubt, prompting her strict playground routine.
‘It’ll come.’ Jayne smiled at her. ‘We are going to the beach this afternoon – have you been there yet?’
‘No, not yet. Is it nearby?’ Harriet picked up several pancakes and piled them onto her plate, drizzling them with honey and putting a few token blueberries on the top.
‘Yeah, it’s literally five minutes down the road. You should check it out.’
‘Oh, what am I talking about, I can see the beach from our balcony.’ They used the balcony every night for cocktails before bedtime and she had spent hours gazing at the beach scene behind the buildings.
Jayne laughed. ‘Maybe we’ll see you down there then?’
Harriet glanced at Jayne who was now picking up yoghurt and a few bananas and handing them to her son to take back to the table. It made her uneasy that she was being so nice because actually, she had to admit that she did quite like her. But she didn’t trust her enough to let her guard down. She didn’t know her well enough. But she was full of smiles and invitations to meet up and Harriet didn’t know how to take it. With Nancy she was comfortable, she knew Nancy would never judge her and so she could relax, enjoy her holiday. If she had mums around her who she didn’t know, they could be thinking anything about her and she wouldn’t know until it was too late and her guard was down. And that’s when it hurt. She should know, it had happened to her before when she was seriously betrayed by a so-called friend who’d decided to laugh at Harriet’s expense. There was no way she was going to let someone else do that to her again. No way.
‘Well, I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide to do and if you’re heading to the beach, come and say hi.’ Jayne smiled and then made her way back to the table.
After piling some more pancakes onto a second plate for Isla and Tommy and adding some cheese and sausages to her own plate, she returned to the table.
‘What’s with the confused expression?’ Nancy asked, turning her mug the right way round ready to fill with coffee.
‘There’s a lady here who keeps talking to me.’ Harriet whispered so there was no risk of Jayne hearing her.
Nancy laughed. ‘OK … why’s that so strange?’
Harriet glanced at her friend and frowned. ‘Is it not weird?’
‘That someone is talking to you?’
‘No! That a woman is talking to me … not just talking to me but being all friendly and giving me mum advice and stuff.’ Harriet sat down and took in Nancy’s expression. ‘Oh, forget it.’
‘No wait, come on, what do you mean? Why is that weird to you?’
‘Are mums normally like that? Or does she have an agenda?’ She slid the plate over to Isla who was already pulling at one of the pancakes before it even reached her. ‘Steady girl, let me put it down first.’
‘Why would she have an agenda?’
‘Well, I don’t know. Why would you just start talking to someone as if you’ve known them for years when you only met them five minutes ago? She’s trying to act like my mate and I’ve known her like two seconds. Its … well, it’s just weird.’ Harriet shuffled in her seat. Nancy clearly didn’t understand. ‘Oh forget it; you’ll talk to anyone so I guess you’re just as bad.’
Nancy laughed at that comment, spreading butter on a slice of toast and putting some grapes and a yogurt onto a side plate for Jack. ‘Hari, the woman is just being nice. Why has it made you feel weird?’
‘Well, the only mums I really speak to are the ones at school or nursery and even then, I don’t really talk to them I just whizz past and get Tommy and, well, they aren’t like that. They’re more interested in talking behind my back and sniggering at me because I’m late picking up again.’ The twinge of guilt reared its ugly head as she relived her usual frantic routine. ‘I guess I’m just not used to women actually being nice to me, that’s all.’
‘That’s not true, women are nice to you – you’re just too busy to see it.’
‘I am not!’ she retorted, defensively.
‘Hari, not everyone is like that bitch from the school.’ Harriet exhaled as she poured a coffee. She knew Nancy would bring it up. ‘You can’t let the actions of one woman taint your perception of everyone. Not everyone is a Sandi Thrupton.’
Just the name made Harriet bubble with anger. Sandi Thrupton was a mum at the school whose daughter was in Isla’s class. One Friday Harriet had been late and when she’d got to the school, Isla had been waiting in the office, but this time Sandi Thrupton had been there too. She’d taken it upon herself to tell Harriet – and the staff in the office – how sad Isla had been in the classroom today because Mummy was always late. Sandi was a parent helper and took pride in thinking she knew all the children better than everyone else because she had the inside info. It eventually came to light, after Harriet had demanded to speak to the class teacher, that Isla had actually been crying because another child had taken her My Little Pony pencil home but Sandi had decided for herself that she must be crying because Harriet was occasionally late to pick her up. Harriet had told her exactly what she thought of her and for weeks after that, she’d had to endure whispering in the playground and comments on the parent page on social media about being on time to pick children up and she knew it had been aimed at her. After a while Harriet had stopped walking through the playground and literally pulled up outside the office and bundled Isla in. She’d also deleted herself off the school’s social media page. She was pretty sure all the mums were still talking about her, but at least she didn’t hear it anymore.
But it didn’t mean that she wasn’t still affected by it. Not a single one of them offered to help or asked if she was struggling. They were all far too busy making comments behind her back.
‘That woman said she was going to the beach today and that if we were going down there, to say hi to them.’
‘Ah that’s really nice; you’ve made a friend there.’ Nancy laughed and Harriet felt the need to defend herself.
‘I have friends! I just don’t have much time to see them, that’s all.’
‘Hari, I wasn’t having a go. Jeez chill out, will you. Look the lady is being nice to you, she clearly likes you, so just stop being weird with it and embrace it. Do you want to go to the beach later? I think the kids would like it and we can’t be here for a whole week and not go to the beach.’
‘It’ll look weird, like I’m stalking her, if I show up there. No, we’ll do the beach another day.’ She proceeded to cut up Isla’s pancakes for her although she did seem to be doing a perfectly good job of ripping them apart with her hands. She could feel Nancy’s eyes on her and sure enough, when she looked up, she was staring at her. ‘What?’
‘Why don’t you want to go? It’s lovely that this woman wants to make friends with you, you’re always saying how you don’t have very many mum friends so why not see what she’s like?’
‘I don’t need any mum friends, I have you, don’t I?’
‘Pfft, one mum friend isn’t enough for any parent, Hari; no parent can survive the throes of parenting without friends who are going through the same thing. It keeps us sane being able to talk to other mums and dads.’
‘Is that why you like talking to Cameron so much?’ Harriet teased and poked her tongue out.
‘Exactly!’ Nancy countered. ‘Cameron is a single dad and he, as much as any mum, needs to have that parenting connection and friendship too.’
‘And I bet you’re the one giving him that connection, hey?’ She winked and Nancy groaned. ‘I’m kidding, Nance, chill.’
‘I just wish you would embrace having friends a bit more. It might, you know, be nice for you.’
Harriet stood up and picked up her plate to refill even though she still had food on it. ‘I don’t have time for lots of friends, Nance, that’s why you and I are so close. I don’t need anyone else, I have you.’ And she walked off before Nancy could push it anymore.
***
Nancy felt the warmth of the sun soak into her body as she lay on the sun lounger, listening to the sea. She gently let her arm fall to the side and rest gracefully on the sand below. The small grains of heat felt lovely as she stroked along, feeling totally at ease. ‘Oh my goodness, how nice is that sunshine?’ This was a million miles away from her life at home and she could feel the stress ebbing away from her body as she listened to the waves crashing onto the sand and the children’s laughter as they played. When she was at home, it was easy to get caught up in everyday life and stresses and forget to just stop and breathe. Being here made Nancy realise that there was a chance to make her life a little less stressful, she just needed to learn to stop and listen.
‘I can’t believe you made me come here,’ Harriet snapped back, somewhat ruining the elegance of the moment. Nancy opened her eyes and glanced at her friend who was sat up on the lounger next to her, applying sun cream in a stroppy fashion.
‘Why are you so mad at me? We wanted to come to the beach, it’s a nice day and the kids are happy. And Jack has put down the iPad voluntarily and is playing with the sand. The sand! Can you believe it? So don’t ruin this moment for me. I’m not making you go over to that woman – even though she clearly saw us arrive – so can you stop acting like a baby and enjoy the fact that we are sitting on a beach, in the blazing sunshine, with nothing to do but relax.’
Nancy slumped back down onto the longer and pulled her sunglasses over her face.
‘Alright, no need to have a mare over it.’
‘Mummy look! I made a sandcastle.’ Isla shouted and Nancy heard Harriet stand up. She lifted her head and was surprised to see Harriet sitting on the sand next to Isla, inspecting her work of art.
It wasn’t that Harriet wasn’t a good mum – she loved her children dearly and would do anything for them – but she wasn’t usually a hands-on parent. She sort of flitted around, here, there and everywhere and always seemed a bit absent when her children were talking to her – her job took up her mind space most of the time. It was lovely to see her embracing the holiday for what it was supposed to be – a break! She had noticed on more than one occasion since being away that Harriet seemed to be changing the way she approached her parenting. Little moments like sitting with the children, putting her phone down to talk to them and she had actually heard her telling Isla a bedtime story last night which wasn’t something she usually did. Isla’s little face was a picture, she loved this time with her mum. It was nice to see Harriet enjoying herself for once and not having the constant stress face she was known to occupy most of the time – or was it resting bitch face?
Nancy spent the next hour soaking up the sunshine and listening to the waves. She could hear children screaming as they played and the odd dog barking. It was like she was listening to one of those mindfulness apps where they played the scenic music to relax you. Here she had the real life mindfulness app. After all the stress over the last year, this was exactly what she needed.
Her phone began to vibrate on the side of the lounger when she had placed it underneath the towel to stop it from overheating. She pushed herself up onto her forearms and pulled it out and clicked on the message.
Are you mad at me?
‘Don’t you dare reply to that message.’
Nancy jumped at the sound of Harriet’s voice and dropped the phone. ‘’For God’s sake don’t creep up on me like that.’
‘Well, it’s lucky I did, otherwise you’d be texting him back right now. Go on, tell me I’m wrong.’
Nancy pushed herself up fully and sat on the end of the lounger. ‘You’re wrong, I wasn’t going to reply.’
‘You’d better not, the guy is not worth thinking about, let alone talking to.’ Harriet held up her finger. ‘Actually, do reply to him.’
‘What?’ Nancy questioned.
‘Reply to him and tell him that yes, you are mad and to do one!’
‘Is that how you speak to your clients in the boardroom – “sign this contract and if you don’t like it, you can do one!”’ Nancy mimicked and even Harriet cracked a smile.
‘I wish I could say that to some of the clients I deal with.’
‘You’re right, I should say that but I just worry all the time. I just want what’s best for Jack. I feel bad taking it away from him if there was even just a small chance that he could see him. I don’t want him around, but I feel guilty for being the one to make that cut. It was so much easier when Pete said he was done because the decision then wasn’t on my shoulders.’
‘And have you spoken to Jack? Asked him what he thinks?’
‘About Pete?’
Harriet shrugged.
‘I don’t know that he would understand what’s going on.’
‘Only one way to find out.’ Harriet turned over and left Nancy wondering if she had a point. Pondering for a second, looking at the message, Nancy decided that it wasn’t such a bad idea. However just the thought of having a conversation like that with Jack made her anxious. Where would she even begin?
She got off the lounger and walked over to the area of sand by the slope that Jack was playing in. He liked sand – he liked it better than water which surprised Nancy. Still, after seven years, she was learning things about Jack that she didn’t know.
She sat down next to him and he instantly looked up at her. ‘Hi Mum. Look.’ He showed her his sandcastle and she couldn’t stop herself from saying;
‘Wow! Jack, did you actually make this?’
He nodded proudly. The sandcastle was an exact replica of the one on the postcard he had bought the first day they’d arrived. It was in the shape of a hexagon and she remembered commenting on how unusual it looked. She looked around for the card. ‘Did you copy that from the card?’ He nodded. ‘Where is it?’
‘At the hotel.’
‘You haven’t got it here?’ He shook his head. ‘How did you copy it then?’
‘From here,’ he said, pointing to his head.
‘Jack, that is incredible.’ She felt the pride wash over her and jumped up. ‘Hang on a minute.’ She ran back to retrieve her phone and then when she returned, snapped a picture of it. ‘Well done Jack, it’s amazing.’
He smiled and continued to work on the sculpture so Nancy sat and watched. He was fascinating to watch. He took in every movement he made, analysing whether it would make the sculpture better or worse, how he was going to achieve what he wanted, standing back and observing before making changes. The detail was intricate and she noticed he had a pile of utensils next to him.
‘What are these, Jack?’ she asked, pointing to them.
‘They’re my tools – every workman needs tools. This is what I use to cut bits out—’ he showed her a flat stone with a sharp edge ‘—this is what I use to make lines—’ a stick ‘—and this is how I made that design—’ he showed her seaweed.
Nancy was in awe – she had no idea he had these skills. ‘Jack, where did you learn to do all this?’
‘On my iPad.’
‘Your iPad?’
‘Yeah, on the game.’
‘What game?’
‘The building one.’
Then it clicked. Jack liked to play a building platform game that she had found online. It was all about measurements and creating structures – Nancy had thought it was the numbers he liked but clearly it was the infrastructure aspect. ‘Well, you’re very good at it.’
He nodded, not taking his eyes off the sculpture. ‘Jack, can I ask you something?’ Another nod. ‘You know that Daddy has been away for a little while now and you haven’t seen him?’ She paused to see his reaction at the mention of Pete. He didn’t seem to react at all apart from when his jaw clenched a little. She continued. ‘Would you want to see him if he was to come back to see you at the house sometimes?’
She was taking a huge risk. Pete had already said he wasn’t interested and his message earlier wasn’t exactly saying he had changed his mind. But if she could tell him that Jack had said he wanted to see him, it might change things.
‘I don’t want to.’
Nancy froze. This wasn’t the reply she’d expected to hear. ‘What?’ she replied.
He looked at her briefly and then resumed his attention to the sandcastle. ‘I don’t want to.’
‘You don’t want to see Daddy?’ she asked, making sure she was understanding him right. He shook his head. ‘Why not?’
‘It makes me sad.’
Her stomach turned. ‘Why Jack?’
He spoke softly but didn’t look at her. ‘I don’t like the shouting.’
Nancy tried to think when Pete had shouted at Jack but couldn’t pinpoint a specific moment. ‘But Daddy doesn’t shout at you.’
‘No, Daddy shouts at you and you shout at Daddy.’ Nancy’s shoulders drooped as the weight of his comment set down on them. She’d always tried to speak in hushed tones – or hushed shouting – when she and Pete argued but clearly she wasn’t as discreet as she imagined she had been. And she’d always assumed that Jack was too enthralled in what he was doing with his headphones on, that he didn’t hear them arguing. Now she felt sick with guilt. She never wanted him to feel like that in his own home. She should have been more careful. She was brought back to the here and now by Jack’s voice again. ‘I like it just us. No one else, just me and you.’ He looked at Nancy, pleading with his eyes. ‘Just me and you – promise? I don’t want anyone else.’
She couldn’t speak. She just forced a smile and nodded her head. He smiled back and resumed his workmanship, talking to Nancy as he worked.
‘Now I need to make the windows, I’m going to use this and…’
But Nancy wasn’t listening. All she could think about was the fact that now it really was, just her and Jack.