Jason smiles at me as Rae runs up to the railing where the giraffes are. This was our first stop since it’s her favorite animal.
“They’re so beautiful.” Her face is bright when she looks back at us. I’ve never seen her this happy. I work tirelessly to make her happy, but this is a different level of joy. It’s obvious Jason is the reason for that. Not that he brought us here, but that he’s here at all.
“They are,” I call back as I watch her stare off in hopes that one of those giants comes up to her. “She’s so happy. Thank you,” I turn to look at Jason.
“You don’t need to thank me. I’m happy, too. Bringing you two here and being a part of this. I know you want to take things slow, and I respect that, but this feels a lot more than it should.”
“I can’t imagine what it will do to Rae if we decide down the road that we’re better off as friends or just acquaintances. She already likes you so much. If you suddenly disappear because we didn’t work out, she’ll be devastated. She’s asking questions. As mature as she seems, she’s still a little girl.” Rae is already seeing Jason in our lives for the long run.
“I don’t see this changing on my end.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know if I smoke, if I’m psycho, if I’m extremely jealous.” My hands are everywhere as I speak.
He grabs my hands and holds them. “Are you those things?” Jason tilts his head, removing his sunglasses to look at me.
“No, but—”
“Caz, the only thing I see happening in the future is me falling real hard for you.” His hands land on my hips, the distance still between us, but it doesn’t help my racing heart from slowing down.
“We’ll go slow,” he promises. With a peck on my forehead, he joins Rae by the railing.
I look on for a minute as he interacts with my daughter. No reservations or awkwardness, he’s all in with her. I’m a stupid, stupid woman to turn away a man like him.
As I approach them, Rae says, “We can do that?”
I look between them. “Do what?”
“Feed the giraffes!” Rae is dancing around.
“We don’t have to,” I whisper to Jason. Guilt washes over me as he pays for all of this. I know he says he wants to, but a small part of me feels like a user. I’ve never been one to use anyone for anything, and I don’t want to do that now.
“Are you kidding me? Look at her. Hell, I want to feed the giraffes.”
“I just feel…” How do I say it without sounding offensive or ungrateful? “Never mind,” I shake my head. That’s a conversation for another time. I do want to let him know I don’t expect any of this from him.
“Loosen up,” he whispers in my ear, his breath chilling me. “Now, let’s go feed these animals.”
“Yes!” Rae exclaims, her little fist pumped at her side, as she celebrates.
Jason holds my hand, and before I can reach for Rae’s, she’s already skipped to Jason’s other side. She’s such a flirt.
We walk back to the ticket booth where Jason purchases three tickets for a tour that includes feeding giraffes. While we wait for that to begin, Rae plays on the jungle gym.
“Thank you, Jason. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I do think we have a few things to discuss. Nothing major, it’s just something I need to get off my chest before anything moves forward.”
“Okay.”
“Not now, but soon?” I grin in what I hope is reassurance.
“Yeah.” Jason squeezes my fingers before we call Rae to head back to the meeting point for the tour.
The tour is educational, and Rae is eating up every second of it. She’ll be talking about animal conservation and care for a long time.
“Okay, now are you ready for the fun part?” The tour guide leads us around the giraffe barn. With bags of green vegetables in hand, he leads us to the ramp where we will feed them. Knowingly, the giraffes begin to approach us.
With it being summer break and a Sunday, our tour size is significant, but we all take turns. Rae laughs as their long tongues sweep the lettuce from her hand.
“Mommy, you have to try it!” She hands me a leaf of collard greens and pushes me forward. Smiling, I wait for the animal to grab the leaf and giggle just like Rae did.
“That tickled,” I turn around to face them.
“Your turn, Jason.” Rae pushes him like she did to me. He winks at me and approaches the giraffe.
As we finish the tour, Rae asks the guide where the elephants are. “They’re my mommy’s favorite.”
“Actually, we had to move the elephants due to construction. They’re in The Elephant Sanctuary in Hohenwald.”
“Oh,” Rae looks down.
“It’s okay, baby girl.” I thank the guide. “I had so much fun feeding the giraffes, I almost forgot about the elephants.” Rae pouts.
“How about we have lunch and then we can see a few more animals that weren’t on our tour and maybe play a little more on the jungle gym?” Jason asks.
“I think that’s a good idea,” I respond.
“Okay,” Rae grins.
Jason holds out chairs for both Rae and me when we get to the cafe.
“What was your favorite part besides feeding the giraffes?” Jason asks Rae.
“I liked learning all the cool stuff about the animals. Maybe I want to work at a zoo when I grow up.”
“I thought you wanted to be a baker?” I look at her.
“Yeah, that too. I can do both things. You always say I can do whatever I want,” she shrugs and sucks her apple juice from the straw.
I giggle and kiss the top of her head. “I do say that.”
“I think both jobs would be fun,” Jason chimes in.
“Yeah. I could work at the zoo during the day and bake at night. It’d be fun.”
“Are you ready to order?” Our college-aged waitress asks. This must be her summer job. Rae could probably do something like that. Too soon. I don’t want to think about her going off to college.
“Do you know what you want?” I ask Rae.
“Mac and cheese, please.”
“Great. How about you two?” she asks Jason and me.
“I’ll have the burger.” Jason keeps his head down, shielding his face with his cap.
“Me, too.” I hand the waitress the menus and smile.
“I’ll be back with your food shortly.” She bounces away to check on another table.
Jason smirks, probably proud no one recognized him. I never thought band members besides the lead singer were so popular, but Rebel Desire is treated as one. Every time I’ve heard people talk about it, all members are mentioned.
“What was your favorite part?” Rae asks Jason.
“Seeing the lions and the rhinoceros hornbill.”
“Was that the bird with the upside-down beak on its forehead?” Rae laughs.
“Yes. It’s a horn.”
“That was a weird one.”
Jason nods.
“How about you?” Jason looks at me.
“They didn’t have your elephants,” Rae’s bottom lip curls down.
“I also liked feeding the giraffes. The tortoise was cool.”
“How about that weird lizard,” Rae comments.
“No.” I shake my head. “I did not like that one.” I shudder.
Jason and Rae both laugh at my reaction. As soon as I saw that odd creature, I hid behind Jason and tried to race out of that area despite it being very well locked up.
“We know you didn’t like that one,” Rae laughs. Her fit of hysterics makes me laugh. She’s my wild girl, careless and happy.
Anyone on the outside looking in would think we’re the perfect family. Little do they know, we’re nowhere near being a family, but sitting here after the day we’ve spent makes me want that.
“I guess we wore her out,” Jason whispers as he parks the car near my house.
“I’m pretty sure the sugar in the cotton candy after lunch did the trick.” Rae got extremely hyper after eating most of the cotton candy, causing a crash once she sat in the car.
“Yeah. She was on fast forward after she ate that.”
“Welcome to a child’s sugar rush. It’s a real thing.”
“Is she going to wake up and be up all night?” Jason asks.
“She’ll probably wake up in an hour or so. Won’t be too bad.”
“I’ll help you take her in,” he offers.
“You don’t have to.” I go to open the door, but Jason stops me by placing his hand on my knee.
“I want to.” His eyes widen with meaning. “Let me.” He’s asking for permission, and I nod. This might be a good time to have that conversation I brought up earlier, if he’s not in a rush to get somewhere.
Jason carries Rae into the house and lays her down on the bed. It’s the first time he sees all of our tiny space. If he didn’t assume it before, he now knows we share a bedroom.
Watching him lay her down with such care and a big smile swells my heart. She’s not even his to be proud about, but the way he looks at her tells a different story. I wonder if he’s always wanted children. He’d make a great father one day, that’s been proven over and over again.
“Are you in a rush?” I ask.
“Got nowhere to be, Caz.”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.” He takes a seat on the couch. I fidget and wring my fingers together as I look at him.
“Do you want something to drink? Coffee? Water? OJ?” I smirk.
“Come sit next to me. I’m okay.” He pats the cushion next to him.
I sit, tucking my legs under me and turn toward him. I take him in. His long lashes and blue eyes staring at me, waiting. The furrow in his eyebrows tells me he’s nervous about what I’m going to say. He finally took off the cap in the car, leaving his hair a mess.
I run my finger around his face, outlining the shape of his eyebrows and down the side of is face. He sits still, letting me touch him. His short beard tickles my finger and I shiver.
Jason grabs my hand when I pull away and places it back on his face. “Don’t stop.”
I keep creating a path on his face as I begin speaking.
“Let me start by saying thank you. I’m not sure you realize how special today was for Rae. For me.” I look down at my lap. “But I need to say this before anything more can happen. For years it’s been just us two. I’ve supported her the best I can, making sure she’s in a decent school, meeting with teachers, working hard to put money into a savings account her for. Now, you come into our lives and in the short time you’ve known us, you’ve taken us out three times. I appreciate it and have had fun—”
“But?” Jason interrupts me. “And I said don’t stop.” He moves my hand across his beard.
“Don’t interrupt me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I move my fingers again, smiling, and continue my speech. I’m not sure I’m getting my point across. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to feel like you have to pay for us. We’ve gotten by, albeit without extras, like trips to the zoo and cotton candy. I like you. Rae obviously likes you. But I don’t like you for your money. I know I’m a struggling single mom, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m using you for fancy meals and fun trips.
“I’ve never used anyone for anything, and it’s not my style. Call it my insecurity; call it my guard, but I don’t want to come off that way. I need you to know that I don’t expect you to suddenly take care of us.”
“Cassidy,” he holds my hands, leaving half my name out. “I don’t feel as if you’re using me. I want to be here. I want to spend time with you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t. Trust me. I can be very cut and dry. But you bring out something else in me. A need to take care of you. I was always tough on the guys because they were whipped when they met their women. Now, they’re laughing at me.
“The last thing I want is for you to feel as if you’re some kind of charity work. You’re not. Rae is not. I’ve always been more of a relationship guy, and I’ve taken my sweet time making sure the woman I was seeing was who I wanted in my life. With you, it’s like fuck the rules. I’m careful, even more so now because of my career, but I know you’re not the type to come after me for my name or my money.”
“It’s different. I’ve never been involved with someone like you.”
“Caz, I’m a normal guy. I grew up with a normal life. I struck a lucky chord and joined a band, but there’s nothing spectacular about me. God, I’m really not selling myself right now.” Jason places his forehead on my shoulder, and my body shakes with laughter.
“I love that sound,” he looks up at me. “This is what a gentleman does. He takes care of the woman in his life.”
“I scratched off the idea of a relationship from my bucket list a long time ago,” I confess.
“It’s a good thing I like a challenge. Before you know what’s happened, I’ll have you believing in fairytales.” I roll my eyes. “A country fairytale instead of princes and princesses. We wear cowboy boots instead of glass heels and polished dress shoes.”
“I don’t own boots,” I challenge.
“That’s a quick fix,” Jason shrugs.
“Don’t you dare,” I warn. I don’t need him buying me any shoes.
“So, you like me?” He changes the subject, a confident smile now adorning his face.
“Slick,” I arch an eyebrow.
Jason leans in and kisses me. His hands wrap around my back, holding me in place, as his lips taste mine. I sigh into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I surrender to the feelings circulating inside me and remove my mind from the situation. I told him my concerns, and he listened. He knows where I stand.
I sigh as we end the kiss and look into those baby blues that mesmerize me.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“Then don’t.” His smile lights up his eyes. “The space is small, but we can hang out.” I roll my eyes. I sound like an idiot.
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
I sit back and finally relax. Jason tells me about his show last night at Riot. He also talks more about his sisters, which is nice to hear. Being an only child, I’ve always wondered how I’d get along with a sibling.
“My parents couldn’t have more kids after me. I was a miracle as it is, but my mom struggled with the pregnancy and they did a hysterectomy.”
“How is she doing?”
“Okay.” I shrug, unsure of how to respond. Alzheimer’s isn’t something you ever recuperate from.
“Have you spoken to your parents?”
“I spoke to my dad the other night.” I frown. “He says she’s the same, whatever that means.”
“You can visit soon. Rae can see her grandparents.”
“I was thinking I could go soon when I work a late shift. I don’t like taking the bus back when it’s late. I could ask Abigail also, but I’d hate putting her in that position.”
“I’ll take you.”
“No, Jason. You don’t have to.”
“Caz, I’d be more than happy to take you and pick you up when you’re ready to go see them again.” Jason moves closer to me and brushes my hair behind my shoulder.
“Some days it’s hard to go and see how the disease has affected my mom.” My vulnerability shows with my statement.
“I’m sure it is, but I know you’d want to be there with them. When was the last time you saw them?”
“A few weeks ago.” I lean back and look at him.
“You let me know, and I’ll be available to take you. No way you’re taking the bus if I can help it.”
I place my head on his shoulder. “Thank you,” I whisper. Jason’s hand wanders to mine and holds on tight.
The sunlight peeks in through the window, casting shadows around the living room and illuminating other parts. It’s beautiful if you stop to look at it. I never stop to take it in.
“Mommy?” My head snaps up as I hear Rae’s voice.
“Yeah, baby girl?” She walks toward us, rubbing her eyes. A shy smile follows as she looks at Jason and climbs on my lap.
“You’re still here.”
“I am. Your mommy and I were talking.”
“Thank you for taking me to the zoo today.” She reaches over and hugs Jason. “I had the best day.” She looks tiny wrapped in a hug with Jason and tears threaten to betray my cool.
“What time is it?” she asks as she settles on my lap.
I check the clock hanging over the television. “It’s just after six. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want tacos since you had mac and cheese for lunch?” Rae nods. “You’re more than welcome to stay for supper,” I tell Jason.
“How about I take y’all out? I know this place I think Rae would love.”
“Are you sure?” My eyebrows knit together.
“Positive.” A gentle hand squeezes my fingers.
“Do you want to go?” I ask Rae, who seems like she’s still waking up from her nap.
“What is it?” she asks as if that would change her mind. I know my daughter, and she’d go anywhere.
“It’s a treehouse restaurant.” Jason winks.
“That’s so cool. I want to go.” She turns to look at me, a soft grin and messy hair staring back at me.
“Go take a bath. Are you okay waiting a few minutes?” I ask Jason.
“Of course I am.” Rae runs to the bathroom.
“She’s a good kid, Caz.”
“Thanks. She’s what I’m proudest of.”
“As you should be.” He kisses my temple and I sigh. I’ve never had a man care about me like this. Then again, I’ve never dated a man. All my prior relationships were pre-Rae, and you can’t call an early 20s guy a man.