“That boy’s taken by you,” Joyce says, the corners of her eyes crinkling.
“Come on, Joyce,” I wave her off.
“Take it from someone older and wiser, who’s been around the block a couple times,” she winks, and I laugh. “That boy there,” she hooks her thumb over her shoulder, “is smitten with you and that daughter of yours. No man would come to a rinky dinky diner like this if he can afford to eat anywhere else.”
“He wants to take me to dinner tomorrow.”
“I thought you told him yes.”
I raise my eyebrows and smile. Joyce knows everything that goes on in her diner. “I did, but—”
“Don’t you dare make up excuses. I’ve known you for seven years, since that baby girl was still in here,” she pats my stomach. “You’ve never had a moment for yourself. You live for that girl, and that’s okay, but it’s time you start having some fun again. You’re still young, and one day that daughter of yours is going to go away and live her life. You don’t want to be left alone, do ya?”
“God, Joyce. No need for dramatics.” She has a point, though.
“Well, I need something that will shake the dust off ya and have some fun. If a boy like him were making rounds on me, I’d already have surrendered to him.”
“I’m worried I’m not enough.”
“Nonsense. That’s all up here.” She taps my temple. “A woman like you has a lot to offer. You’re smart, beautiful, and selfless. Hell, I’d date you if I were a man, or swung that way,” she winks.
I burst out laughing. “Thanks.” I hug her and get back to work, my mind swimming with Jason’s smile.
I unlock the door to my home and find Abigail and Rae on the couch reading. I stop and listen to Rae sound out words from her book until she sees me.
“Mom,” she jumps up and hugs me. Her excitement to see me every day is something I live for. I pray she’s always this way with me.
“How was your day?”
“Great. Abigail and I went to the park for a really long time. Then we came home, ate lunch, and practiced my reading.”
“Sounds like a fun day.” I smile at Abigail. “Thank you.”
“You know you don’t gotta thank me every day.”
“I know, but I will anyway.”
“Did Jason go by the diner?” Rae stands in front of me, brown eyes framed by a mess of blonde waves.
“She’s been talking about him,” Abigail murmurs.
“He did, actually. He wanted to make sure I tell you that he said hi. He’s been busy with work, but I’m sure we’ll see him soon.”
Rae’s eyes light up. “Yippee!” She jumps with her hands clenched tightly in the air.
Abigail looks at me. “Why don’t you go take a bath, baby girl,” I tell Rae.
While Rae is in the shower, I turn to Abigail. “He came by today and asked me to dinner. He said I could take Rae if I want, but…” How do I say this without sounding like a terrible mother? I’m already worried Rae is going to get upset she won’t go to dinner.
“Say no more. I’ll watch her.”
“Should I take her? He did offer.”
“It’s important you have adult time. If this man is serious about getting to know you, then spend time with him as a woman. When Rae’s around, you’re a mother. You know I love that little girl, but I love you, too and want to see you have fun.”
“Thanks, Abigail.” I hug her. “Not sure how I’m gonna break the news to her.”
“Blake and I will take her to have ice cream. That should make it a little bit better.”
“I’ll talk to her today, too and explain as much as I can.”
“She’ll understand. I can come over tomorrow and take her next door to our house.”
“I appreciate it, Abby.”
“I’d do anything for you two.” She smiles and kisses me on the cheek before going home. I’m blessed to have people around me that care as much as they do. Not just for me, but for Rae, too.
While Rae finishes up in the shower, I call my dad to see how he and my mom are doing while I start cooking the ground beef for our taco dinner. I try to keep our meals fun, so she eats everything I serve her. Since she likes to cook, it helps to keep her excited for our meals.
Rae tumbles into the kitchen and sniffs. “What are you making?”
“Tacos,” I reply.
“Yummy. Can I help?”
“Sure can. Just spoke to Grandpa. He says hi and he misses you. I’ll see if we can make a trip there soon. Maybe one morning on a day I work the night shift.” I try to visit them during the day, because there is no way I’m taking the bus back at night with Rae alone.
“Yay!”
While I finish the beef, Rae puts some cheese in a dish and washes lettuce. I’m grateful food stamps helps cover most of our groceries, so I can buy some healthier options and vegetables. Some weeks are a mac and cheese kind of week, but other times we can get creative and have fun.
“Did Jason really say hi?” Rae asks.
“Of course he did. He came by the diner for breakfast and asked about you.”
“I really like him, Mommy.”
“I know, sweetie. I do, too. Actually,” I pause. This is the perfect time to bring up tomorrow’s date. “He asked me to go to dinner with him tomorrow night.”
Rae’s head whips toward me. “He did?” Her eyes widen.
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna go?”
“I am. I wasn’t sure at first, but he seems like a nice person.”
“He does,” she sighs.
“Are you okay with that?”
“Is this just for adults? Like a date?”
I laugh, surprised she knows that term. “How do you know what a date is?”
“We’ve talked about it at school. Jessy’s mom went on a date and we talked about it.”
“You and her mom?” I furrow my eyebrows.
“No, silly. Jessy and me. She wondered if he would be her new dad, and since her and I don’t really have dads, we talk about that.”
“You’re only six.”
“Six and a half,” she smiles with pride.
“So you’re okay with me going to dinner with Jason? I want to make sure you’re okay with this.”
“I am. Maybe you’ll get married one day and he’ll be my daddy.”
My breath catches in my throat. I close my eyes for a brief moment. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“Why not? If you like him and he likes you, and you both like me, why can’t he be my dad?”
I lower the heat on the stove and look at Rae, standing on the small step I have for her to cook on. “First, we need to make sure we like each other and want to spend a lot of time together. People need to fall in love before they get married because that’s a big step. If that were to happen, he’d be your stepdad, not your real dad.”
“I know he isn’t my real dad, but he would act like it. If you got married he’d always be around, eat dinner with us, play with me. Maybe teach me to play the guitar. I want a daddy.”
My heart breaks for my little girl, because it’s my fault she doesn’t have one. Had she been born in different circumstances, or I would’ve tried to find her father, maybe she’d have what she so badly desires. However, I couldn’t give her up when I went to my first sonogram. Adoption was an option, but she became my whole world the moment I heard her heartbeat for the first time.
“How about I go to dinner with him tomorrow and then we go from there?” She’s so wise. I always knew she was an old soul, and each day she proves it more and more to me.
“Okay. Maybe another day he can come over and I can see him?”
“Sounds good. Would you like to be here when he picks me up, so you can say hi, and I’ll walk you over to Abigail’s house?”
“Yes!” Her face lights up.
Everything is going to be okay. As long as Rae and I can talk things out, my life is on track.
I look at myself in the mirror and blow out air. I’m nervous about tonight. I’ve been home for an hour, showered and hair done. Rae is picking out my outfit, and I’ve resorted to digging out older clothes from my pre-Rae era. I have no idea where we’re going, or what to wear.
“How come you never wear this?” Rae is holding up a blue dress.
I shrug. “I don’t have anywhere to wear that to. Jeans are more comfortable.”
“I think you should wear it.”
“I don’t know.” Rae waves the loose-fitting dress with thin straps and a V-cut neckline both in the front and back. It’s been years since I’ve worn anything like that.
“Try it on.” Rae hands me the dress and sits on the bed, waiting to judge the look for herself. As I put on the dress, I’m reminded of the stretch marks I was analyzing in the shower. I’m nowhere near being sexy. I’m thin, because of my situation in life, but I’m not fit or toned.
I’m not like these super stars who have children and are a size zero the next day. I mean, that’s not real life. Except, that is Jason’s real life. He’s surrounded by people like this. Women like this. It began to stress me out in the shower at the thought of the possibility of ever sleeping with Jason and him seeing my flawed skin.
“You look beautiful,” Rae exclaims. “You should wear that.”
“Are you sure? It’s not too short?” I twirl around, trying to catch glimpses of myself in the mirror. Times like this call for a full-length mirror. I’m sure I can find a cheap one at Wal-Mart.
“No. You look so pretty. You’re always pretty, but this dress makes you look different. I think Jason will like it.”
God bless the love of a daughter.
I smirk and ask her which shoes I should wear. After she chooses nude sandals, I take a step back and ask her what she thinks.
“Perfect,” she grins.
My accessories are limited, but I find small earrings and a bangle bracelet. Thank goodness I didn’t get rid of all this when I moved.
“Can I put on lipstick, too?” Rae looks up at me.
Normally, I’d say no. She’s too young and beautiful to cover up her face, but I’m having mother’s guilt for not including her tonight, so I nod and bend down. “Just a bit.” I add a thin layer of the blush color on her lips.
“Now I’ll look just like you.” She skips out of the room.
I take a few deep breaths as I look around the room Rae and I share. This is our sanctuary. It isn’t fancy or spacious, but it’s our safe place.
A knock at the door distracts me.
“He’s here!” Rae yells from the living space.
My heart is racing, and nausea is consuming me as I walk out of the room. Rae is by the door, ready to open as soon as I give her the okay.
“Hi,” she squeals.
“Hey, Rae Rae. What’s up?” Jason’s voice reaches me before I see him. The thumping in my ears is frustrating me. This isn’t the first time we spend time together. He had dinner here the other night for goodness sake. But Rae was always there to buffer the conversation.
“Hi,” he stops and looks at me.
“Hi.”
“Doesn’t she look pretty?” Rae tugs on Jason’s hand and pulls him in. I roll my eyes at her question. She’s not discreet at all.
“She sure does,” Jason responds.
“And she let me put on some lipstick, although I’m just staying at Abby’s house. I wanted to look like my mommy. Do you like it?”
Jason squats down to look at Rae. “Yeah, but you’re too pretty to wear makeup.”
“You’re right.” Rae swipes her lips with the back of her hand, causing me to laugh. Go figure. Then she giggles when Jason whispers something in her ear, turning to look at me. “He likes you.” She points at me.
Shifting on my feet, I cross my arms and say, “Okay. Let’s get you to Abigail’s.” I hold Rae’s hand as Jason leads us out of our home with his hand in the small of my back. Thoughts of what if consume me as I imagine what it would be like had we met in a different situation. What could we be if we drop our guards and give this a shot? Is he more smitten with my daughter than actually having a relationship with me?
“Hey, Abby,” I say as she opens the door.
“Hi.”
“This is Jason. Jason, this is Abigail.” I introduce them, and Rae runs into her house as if she owns the place.
“Bye, Rae,” I call out.
“Bye, Mommy.” She runs back and hugs my waist. “Bye, Jason.”
As we turn to walk to his car, Jason holds my hand. I look down at our interlocked fingers and up at him. His grin is the only reaction I get, and when he opens the car door for me and I slide in, I miss the feel of his hand in mine.
I sound like some desperate teen infatuated with the popular jock. He’s so handsome, it’s only natural I’d feel this way.
“Am I dressed okay for where we’re going?” I can’t stand the silence anymore.
“Perfect.” He turns to look at me before driving. “You look stunning.” He runs his fingers down my cheek before cupping my face. “Shall we go?”
I nod and watch him as he drives to our destination. His plaid shirt is rolled up just below his elbows, and the blue in it brightens his eyes even more. His dirty blond hair looks as if he brushed it with his fingers on the way out of the shower, and the woman in me desires to comb my fingers through it and tug. Life was simpler when I was just a woman. Now I’m a mother. A mother on a date with a hot musician. I must be insane. This can’t be real life.
“You’re thinking real hard there.”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. I guess I got quiet.”
“Relax. Tonight is about having fun and getting to know each other. We’ll take it slow.” He reaches for my hand again.
“Okay.” I breathe out slowly.
“How was work?” he asks.
“Not much changes in a diner,” I tease.
“Anyone else bother you?”
I shake my head. “No. You don’t have to worry about that. If that happens, Ryan is usually out of the kitchen before anyone can get too far.”
“Is Ryan just a friend or…”
“Just a friend,” I say quickly. I chuckle at his not so subtle way of asking.
“A guy needs to know what he’s up against,” he defends.
“You’re not up against anything or anyone.” We make eye contact for a brief moment. Jason squeezes my hand and a smile covers his face.