A break in routine throws me off. It always has. After last night, I woke up disoriented, worked the morning and afternoon shift in some kind of loopy state, and got home with my eyes barely open. I’m glad I worked the earlier shift, so I could relax the rest of the day. Even Rae was asleep when I left for work.
“Mommy,” she screams as I walk in the door. Her daily greeting always expands my heart.
“Hey, baby.”
“It’s Rae Rae,” her eyes light up. I sigh and give her my best smile.
“That’s right. Rae Rae,” I relent.
Abigail looks at me from her spot on the couch and I shake my head. As I sit next to her, she leans in and whispers, “She told me all about him.”
I close my eyes and throw my head back against the top of the couch.
“I don’t want her to get attached,” I murmur to Abigail.
She places her hand on my knee. “She may already have. You know how kids are. Rae has always wanted to know her father, and in her young mind, this may be the closest thing she’ll have.”
Tears blur my vision. “I don’t want her to get hurt. She’s too young to understand how this works.”
“She is, yet all she did today was talk about him and dinner. She even drew him a picture to give him the next time she sees him.”
I look at Abigail, the closest friend I have, and a few tears roll down my cheeks. “And if we never see him again? What am I supposed to do? I’ve tried to avoid this exact situation.”
“Maybe stop avoiding it. You can try to do something, but it doesn’t mean you are actually doing it. I also think you need to talk to her. Rae is mature enough that you can have a heart to heart with her and explain some things.”
“But she’s still a child.”
“Yes, but have a little faith in her,” Abigail pauses, “and a little faith in him. The Lord had you cross paths for a reason.” Abigail has always kept her faith throughout her entire life. Every time things get difficult, she brings in the Lord and His love into her situation. I admire her for that, and I can’t say I’ve always had the same belief.
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Good.” She kisses my cheek. “Holler if you need anything.” I watch Abigail leave, knowing I won’t have any buffer for this conversation with Rae.
“How was your day?” I look over at Rae, lying on the floor as she colors. It’s her favorite place to color, despite having a small table in the kitchen she can use.
“Good. Abby played with me.”
“Did you wake up late?” I ask.
“Kinda.” She shrugs. “I’m not sure, but Abby made me pancakes.” Her focus is on coloring, so I decide a shower first and conversation later.
“I’m going to take a quick shower, okay? Remember, don’t open the door to anyone, even if it’s Abigail.”
“Okay, Mom.”
I double check the door is locked and hop in for a quick wash. I go over possible ways to bring up the conversation and which direction I want to take. I haven’t exactly told my daughter she was created out of a one-night-stand—she wouldn’t even understand that—but I know this will bring up the topic of her father again. The last thing I’d want is for her to think she was unwanted.
I walk out, combing my hair and sit on the floor with her. “What’s this?” I ask about a drawing lying next to her. Maybe this is what she made for Jason, and I can bring him up that way.
“It’s a guitar. I drew it for Jason. When will we see him again, so I can give it to him?”
“I don’t know.” I breathe in courage and exhale the truth. “Rae, Jason is someone we just met. We don’t really know him, and…” This isn’t off to a great start.
“What I mean is, he has a life and a band that he works very hard on. He’s nice, but I don’t know when we will see him again, or if we will.”
“But he told me yesterday he would.” Rae’s little mouth twists with a pout.
“I know it’s difficult to understand, but adults are different than kids. We have responsibilities and lives that come first.”
“I like him,” she whines. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
“I know you do, baby. I just don’t want you to have expectations for him. He’s not responsible for us, only we are responsible for ourselves. I promise, I will always protect you and love you. You’re my number one.”
“I want him with us. If I can’t have a dad, I want Jason.” Tears gush from her eyes and my heart is slowly breaking.
“You have a father.”
She shakes her head furiously. “No. I don’t know him, so I don’t have a dad. If I did, he’d come to my shows at school.”
I pull her into me and hold her tight. “I’m sorry.” It’s my fault she doesn’t know her father. I could’ve looked for him, but what man would want to get pinged for a one-night-stand? I wouldn’t even have known where to look for him. We were young and drunk.
“You have Ryan and Blake,” I say, adding Abigail’s husband, and hoping that she realizes she does have two men in her life she can count on.
“It’s not the same. They’re friends, not my dad.”
“Neither is Jason.”
“Yeah, but he could be. He likes us.”
“It’s not that simple, Rae. You don’t just become a dad because you like someone. That’s not how it works.”
“You could marry him. Then he’ll be like my dad.”
There’s no winning with this girl. “I can’t just marry him. I don’t even know him. People don’t just get married the first time they meet. First they get to know each other and make sure they want to spend their lives with them.”
“Okay, so do that.”
I squeeze her and pull her onto my lap. Children don’t see the complications in situations, or maybe we adults make things more complicated than they are.
Rae cries a little longer, asking questions as she does. Mainly begging me to see Jason again. My heart shatters upon hearing her, realizing that despite the amount of money I save or hard work I do to offer her the best, she’ll never have what she truly needs.
After she calms down, I let her choose what she wants for dinner, and promise her a special dessert, too. We make due with the life we have, but I want her to be happy. After tossing out dinner ideas and getting rejected, Rae finally announces she wants pizza for dinner. Then, she grabs the cake mix in the cupboard and says she wants that for dessert.
I tie her apron around her and then put on mine before we get to work making pizza dough and mixing the cake ingredients.
The sound of a knock interrupts our cooking and alerts us of an unannounced visitor.
“I’ll answer it!” Rae yells and runs to the door.
“Not without me!” I holler and follow behind her.
“It’s Jason,” she exclaims after peeking through the window near the door.
“What?” I screech, quickly twirling my ponytail to make it more presentable as Rae swings the door open.
“Hi!” Her squeal is deafening.
“Hey,” Jason laughs. She hugs him, gaining herself a megawatt smile from the handsome man, who showed up at my house unannounced.
“I made you something.” Rae runs to the drawing—still on the floor—and hands it to him. “It’s a guitar,” she explains before he has a chance to analyze it.
“I love it. Thanks, Rae Rae.” He musses her hair, causing her to laugh.
“We’re making pizza and cake for dinner. Do you want to eat with us?”
“Rae, I’m sure Jason has plans.”
“Actually,” he looks at me, “I’m free as a bird and hoping you two are as well. I do love homemade pizza and cake.” He winks at me.
“Awesome.” Rae bounces the short space back into the kitchen. “Mommy was just letting me lick the spoon.” The corners of her mouth are full of chocolate cake and we both laugh at her.
“I never would’ve guessed,” Jason replies. He looks at me and smiles softly. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I glance around the house to make sure it’s not too much of a mess. Fortunately, Rae is a pretty neat kid, and the only stuff lying around are her crayons and coloring book.
“You left your hair tie in my car. I went to the diner, but Joyce told me you were already home.”
“So you came all the way over here to bring it?”
He shrugs. “I was already in the neighborhood.”
“That’s a sorry excuse.”
“Well, I know how much these things mean to girls.” He holds up the black hair tie. “My sisters used to flip when they would misplace theirs.”
“Sisters?”
“Yup, I’ve got two of them, both younger than me.”
“Oh.” Using a hair tie is a sorry excuse, and I’m sure he knows it. I have more than one, and while I hate losing them, his visit isn’t about a hair tie.
“So, what can I do? I love cooking.” He rubs his hands together and stands next to Rae, taking instructions from her on how to roll out the dough. I stand, dumbfounded and in disbelief, as I watch them interact. I see why she wants him around. Their bond has been instant. What happens when he moves on with his life and leaves us behind? No way he actually wants a relationship with me.
We sit at the small, round table in the kitchen with pizza on our plates and a cooling cake on the counter next to the sink. The smell of pizza and sweetness lingers in the air.
“Do you like the pizza?” Rae asks Jason. Since he’s arrived, I’ve been the background music to the tune these two play.
“It’s delicious. You’re going to make a great chef one day,” he compliments.
“Yeah. I want to have my own restaurant like Joyce. Mommy and me can work together.”
“That would be fun,” I tell her. This is the first time she brings up that dream. She always says she wants to be a baker, but never mentioned owning a restaurant.
“I’m sure you two would have the most popular place in town. You don’t find pizza like this just anywhere.”
I look at Jason and smile gratefully. He winks again and takes a bite of his pizza.
“Rae, use your napkin,” I remind her. She grabs her napkin and runs it across her mouth. Pizza is always messy with her. I giggle as she smiles in victory, but still has a spot of sauce on her cheek. “Here,” I say, and wipe it off.
“I’m glad you came. Mommy said we wouldn’t see you again, but she was wrong.”
I shut my eyes and frown. Kids have no filter.
“I’d like to see you again, but that’s something your mommy and I will talk about. Adults are different than kids.”
I smile in gratitude at his response, somehow backing up what I told her earlier.
“That’s what she said.” Rae pushes her plate, leaving the crusts uneaten.
Once we finish eating, Rae cuts the cake into uneven chunks and I help her serve it on plates.
“We didn’t have any frosting, but we’ll have some next time,” she hands Jason a plate.
“This is perfect. Frosting is too sweet sometimes and I like tasting the cake.” He takes a spoonful and says, “Yum. You’re definitely going to be the best baker in town.”
Rae laughs at his words, but her smile shows me that she is happier than a pig in mud at his compliment. Is this what having a family would be like? We wouldn’t be living in a trailer park, that’s for sure. Should I have searched and told Rae’s father I was pregnant? I wouldn’t have even known where to begin. His face is a blur from that night, no recognition to hold him accountable. Besides, I’ve never believed staying with someone because of a pregnancy was the right choice, especially when you’re strangers.
“Do you like it?” Rae asks me.
“Yeah. The cake is delicious. You did good, baby girl.”
“It’s Rae Rae,” she reminds me. I sigh and Jason laughs. “And you’re Caz,” she points at me. I feel as if no matter what happens, Jason’s memory is already woven into our lives.
After dinner, Rae colors a little longer while Jason helps me clean up the kitchen.
“You don’t have to help.”
“I want to.” Jason stands next to me as I wash the plates and he dries them for me. “I know I kinda showed up here and interrupted your dinner. Sorry about that.”
“Kinda showed up? More like you did show up,” I tease.
“Potato, potahto. But, I can’t stop thinking about you. This isn’t a line I grabbed from some cheesy movie. I know, I know, I don’t even know you,” he chuckles when I raise an eyebrow. “But I’ve seen enough to know I want to. I want to help you discover what your dreams are and watch you offer your daughter the best life she can have.”
“It’s complicated with her around. She already expects to see you everyday, and this is only the third time she’s seen you. I always thought if I ever met someone, and that was a big if, I’d get to know the man really well first, before introducing him to my daughter. This is backwards. It’s almost as if she’s gotten to know you before I have. It’s confusing for her.”
“So let me get to know you.” He angles his body toward me. “Let me show you who I am. It’s easy with her because she came right up to me, offered me a cookie, and started talking as if I was her best friend. I guess kids are less guarded in that sense.” He casts his eyes down a moment. I place my hand over his.
“They’ve got it easy, don’t they?” I ask him, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yup.” Jason continues drying the plate he was working on.
I’m not the only one with a past.
Rae falls asleep on the couch after showing us all the drawings she can make and then asking Jason a ton of questions about his guitar. I come back into the living room after laying her down in bed and find that Jason is still sitting comfortably on the couch.
“Sorry if she asked you way more questions than necessary.”
“Don’t apologize. I love talking about music. She’s a great girl, Caz.” The use of the nickname Rae and him came up with catches me off guard. I sit next to him, unsure of what to do now. I’ll admit, it’s easier when Rae is around because I can take a step back and not interact with him as much. Now I have no choice.
Jason turns toward me. “I know this isn’t how you imagined meeting someone, but give me a chance. I’m not some crazy musician. I’m homegrown and like to keep it that way.”
“Why?” I fold my hands together and look at him.
“Because from that first moment I saw you singing one of our songs, I knew there was something about you that I wanted to get to know.” He holds my hand. “I’m old enough to know what I want, but I’ll take my time for the right woman.”
My throat runs dry. I clear it, staring at him. “I’ve got nothing to offer you.”
Jason shakes his head. “What I’m looking for isn’t material. You gotta get rid of that self-judgment.”
“Can we start as friends? That may not be what you have in mind, but I need to go slow, especially for Rae’s sake. She’s already attached to you and she just met you.”
“Well, we bonded a lot yesterday while you worked.”
“I know.” My breath slips from my lips.
“You’re right, I’m interested in more, but I’m willing to get to know you without the pressure of that.”
I nod, seeing a gentle side to him that I’ve missed before.
“So, where are you from?” he starts off the conversation.
“Pleasant View, not too far from here. Are you from Nashville?”
“Yeah. I’ve lived here my whole life, except for my four years of college when I lived in Knoxville. That’s where I met Cash.”
“That’s really cool. I moved here after my twenty-first birthday. I was pregnant with Rae and got hired at the diner immediately. Joyce didn’t care that I would have to go on maternity leave, she just wanted to help me.”
“You look younger than twenty-eight.”
“You’re quick at math,” I counter.
Jason shrugs. “I majored in accounting.”
“Did you really?” I ask, surprised.
“Yup. Helped a lot in the beginning with the band, before we got signed with the label.”
“I’m sure it did.”
“Do your parents still live in Pleasant View?”
“Yeah.” I swallow the lump in my throat and go for it, ready for the judgment. “My parents are older. I was a miracle child since they were never able to conceive. They raised me as best they could and loved me, but right before I graduated high school my mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
“It was a shock to all of us. The symptoms were there, and my dad and I recognized them after we got the news. I got a job at a bar and my dad worked as hard as he could. When he wasn’t at work, he was taking care of my mom. I’d watch her while he worked during the day, and I’d leave at night to work at the bar.” I rush through the facts.
“I’m sorry about your mom.” He squeezes my fingers.
“That’s life. When I found out I was pregnant, I moved out. I couldn’t add more stress to my dad.”
“What about Rae’s father?”
I shake my head. “He doesn’t know about her. It was a one-night-stand. Not my proudest moment, but I would never regret having her. She’s the best thing I’ve done in this life.” It’s a challenge to look him in the eyes as I tell him this, but if he wants to know me, then this is part of who I am. I rather lay it out all in the open and let him decide if he truly wants to spend time with me.
“Anyway, what about you? You said you have two sisters.”
“I do. They’re younger than me. They used to drive me crazy when we were growing up, but I love them. My parents are divorced, but they have a good relationship. My mom got remarried while I was in college. We’re all pretty low-key, honestly.”
“Besides the fact that you’re part of a famous band,” I chuckle.
“That’s my career, and yeah, it’s different than had I been an accountant, but it’s only part of who I am. I love what I do, and my bandmates are my brothers, but at the end of the day, I’m just Jason Stone. I’m a regular guy who likes college football way too much, and playing the guitar on my downtime.”
“Do you write the songs on your albums?”
“Not really. Cash is the biggest songwriter. There’s something inside of him that causes him to spit out songs by the dozen. I don’t know how he does it. Cole recently wrote a song that’s a bonus track on our album for his girlfriend, Bri. Ryder and I give out ideas, but we’re better at brainstorming than actual writing. We can all sing, though.”
“That’s cool. How long have you been playing?”
“Since I was a kid. I always dreamed of being a musician, but that’s not an easy goal to achieve. I played on and off with some random bands when they needed a bass player during high school and some in college until Cash told me he wanted to start a band.”
“Accounting was your back-up plan? They’re such different career choices.”
“They are, but I like math and I’m good at it.”
“I never went to college,” I get that information out of the way. “I’m not even sure what I would’ve studied. I always liked history, but I never pegged that as a career. The only thing I could do with that is teach, and teaching was never something I was passionate about.”
“Was there ever a career that felt impossible, but you would’ve liked? How music was for me, and I got blessed to be able to make it happen.”
“I guess archaeology. It sounds dorky, but I’d love to travel the world digging up old artifacts.”
“Like a sexy, female version of Indiana Jones.”
I laugh at the absurdity of that. “Not quite.”
Jason cups my cheek and smiles. “I feel like you’re finally loosening up.”
I freeze and wait, wondering if he’s going to kiss me or just hold me. His thumb rubs my cheek and he releases my face and holds my hand again. “Where would you like to excavate?”
“Somewhere in Europe or Africa. There’s so much history there, ancient civilizations that are yet to be discovered or pieced together.”
“You do have dreams. You just needed to relax a bit to rediscover them.” He leans back on the couch with a triumphant smile.
A yawn interrupts the smile covering my face. “Sorry,” I say as I cover my mouth.
“You’re tired. I’ll get going, but I’m glad I came by. Thanks for letting me crash your dinner. I like you, Caz. We can be friends, but I’m definitely hoping that builds the foundation for a lot more.”
Speechless, I walk him to the door. Jason kisses me on the cheek and promises to be in touch this week. I have no idea how since he doesn’t have a way of contacting me. Apparently, he likes showing up in places instead of calling.