I pace the small space in front of the television. As soon as I saw my dad’s name pop up on my screen, I knew something was wrong. Although Jason insisted on driving me, I’m not sure if I want him to. I’m so overwhelmed that I’m becoming numb.
“Mommy,” I hear Rae say, but don’t respond. “Mommy?” Her voice is far away. “Mom.”
“What?” I yell and turn to her, one hand flying in the air.
Big tears well up in her eyes. She tries to hold them back, but they roll down her red cheeks.
“God. I’m so sorry, baby girl.” I drop to my knees in front of her. I hold her face, kiss her forehead, and pull her into me. She settles on my lap as I hug her, my own tears threatening to spill.
“Are you sad?” Rae looks at me with the paths of her tears still covering her face.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. Yes, I’m sad. I’m worried about Grandma.”
“It will be okay.” Her small fingers tickle my cheek.
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too, Mommy.”
I run my hands down Rae’s hair, soothing her. She’s always the one that calms me, though. Her love is something I never understood or thought I’d experience. There are no words to label what a mother’s love is like.
“Jason’s here,” I whisper. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah. I wanna see Grandma and Grandpa.” I trace her jaw.
“I want you to remember that Grandma is very sick.” I feel the need to remind her, since I have no idea what condition we’ll find her in.
“Okay.”
As soon as I open the door, Jason wraps me in his arms. With his scent enveloping me, I cry.
“Shhh…” He rubs my back. “It’s okay.” He kisses below my ear, my temple, and the crown of my head, his lips landing where they can.
I squeeze him tighter, and feel when he removes one arm, only to have a little body pushed into me. Rae holds my hand that’s wrapped around Jason’s back.
I stare out the window as we drive in silence. The mood in the vehicle is somber, an air of uncertainty–different reasons for the three of us. Rae hasn’t said much after seeing me so upset, but I know she’s nervous. She has this need to take care of people. Sometimes I think she forgets she’s a child, especially when we’re at my parents’ house.
Then, Jason is driving next to me with a tick in his jaw. He hasn’t said anything since we got in the car and I gave him the address to my parents’ house. The tension is there, and if I know him at all, I’d say he’s struggling with how to make this right. It’s something out of his element, and one thing I’ve learned about Jason Stone is that he likes having a handle on situations. He’s said it in the past, pursuing me is one of the most spontaneous things he’s done. I’m sure joining the band comes first.
As for me, I’m all over the place. I keep thinking how things would be different if I had never left. Then, I remember the challenges of a newborn and the confusion it could’ve caused my mom and realize I did what I thought was best at the time. It doesn’t wash away the guilt, though. At this moment, the fire of guilt has been lit and intensified with lighter fluid. I’m burning in it.
I tense when Jason pulls into my childhood neighborhood. How will I find her? How will my dad be? He tends to take all the stress on himself, rarely allowing someone else to take the load off him. If I know him, he hasn’t slept.
“It’s that house on the left.” I point to the house with faded beige siding and an unkempt front lawn. The ground is dry and brown on both sides of the driveway.
My heart stammers, my breathing falters, and I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I lean my head back and gasp for air, one hand on my chest. Jason puts his hand on my knee.
“Breathe, Caz.” I nod, trying to do as he says. The air fills my lungs in short spurts, enough to keep my heart beating, but it’s not enough for me to relax.
“Hey.” Jason’s eyes are full of worry. He gets out of the car and comes to my side, opening the door and undoing my seatbelt. He turns my body to him, forcing my feet to land on the driveway.
Squatting before me, he pulls me into a hug, a hand rubbing my back. I grip onto him, afraid of what letting go will lead me to.
I finally inhale a deep breath. I go for a second one, taking in as much oxygen as I can get. I’m greedy to the air that keeps me alive.
“Cassidy Rae?” I look up at my dad with tears in my eyes.
“It’s okay,” Jason whispers.
I move away from his hug and run to my dad. I look back at Rae, still buckled into her seat, stunned silence overtaking her. Slow tears trail down my face.
“Cassidy Rae.” My dad’s voice cracks, feeling like a sucker punch.
“Hi, Dad,” I choke out.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” His voice is thick with emotion. I nod, the cry moving inside me on a jagged breath. My chest vibrates with the incoming assault of tears.
My dad hugs me back, and the tiny bit of control I was clinging onto evaporates with the fire of the guilt burning holes through me.
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands when I feel Jason and Rae behind me. My dad looks over at them, a soft smile.
“Hey, Grandpa.”
“Hi, sweetie.” He hugs Rae when she reaches for him. “How you doing?”
“I’m okay. We’re a little sad ‘cause Grandma’s sick.”
“I’m a little sad, too, but she’ll be happy to see you.”
“She will?” Her eyes look up at him in surprise.
“Of course.” Rae stands back and peeks into the house before walking in.
“Dad, this is Jason. Jason, this is my dad.” I finally introduce them.
“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Pressman.” Jason extends his hand.
“Nice to meet you, young man. Why don’t y’all come in? I’ve probably been out here longer than I should.” The meaning of his words puts the purpose of our visit back as the focus.
“I’m going to go.” Jason squeezes my arm. “It was great meeting you,” he nods to my dad and shakes his hand again.
Jason turns to me. “Call me. Doesn’t matter what time it is.” He kisses my cheek.
With Jason gone, the weight of this day crushes me. I follow my dad into the house. Everything has always remained the same as it was when I moved seven years ago. The cherry coffee table sits in front of the television with the old green couch opposite it. Frames full of memories sprinkle the home, just like when I was a kid.
“Looks like someone already found her Grandma.” My dad’s voice is light. He looks at me with a smile and reassuring nod. Rae is sitting next to my mom in the kitchen, telling her about our trip to the zoo.
I halt as soon as I see my mom. I swallow down a cry and stare. The woman, who was always put together no matter her age, now sits in a nightgown with her hair matted to her. She looks more worn than I imagined.
Empty eyes look through me.
“Hi,” I whisper and kiss her cheek as I take a seat at the table next to her. Rae smiles.
“I’m telling Grandma about Jason. I think she’d like him. Did you like him, Grandpa?”
“He seems like a nice man,” my dad nods.
“Hi, Mom.” She looks beyond me before turning to her face on me. I think I see a glimmer of recognition, but it may be wishful thinking. She slants her head and stares. I look at my dad, who continues to encourage me.
Silent tears stain my face. I listen to this little girl, who is my entire world, speak to her grandma as if all was right in the world. My mom looks at Rae and grins. My head snaps to look at my dad, whose face is beaming. I don’t remember the last time I saw her smile.
I exhale and listen as Rae continues to talk to my mom. She’s silent, but slight expressions occur.
“I’m going to prepare supper. You’ll stay, right?” My dad looks at us.
“I lost track of time. Do you want to stay for dinner?” I ask Rae.
“Yes!”
I smile at her excitement and look at my dad. “I’ll call Jason to let him know we’re okay.”
“You do that, and Rae and I will start getting everything ready. Want to be my chef helper today?” My dad looks at Rae.
“Duh,” she shakes her head, and the both of us laugh at her sassiness.
After I talk to Jason, I join them in the kitchen.
Dinner is quiet. Rae does most of the talking as usual. I can’t stop looking at my mom. She’s frail.
After dinner, my dad sets my mom in their room and comes back into the kitchen. The muffled sound of the show Rae is watching in the living room mixes with the gurgling coffee maker as it brews. Rae has been so patient and well-behaved, she deserves a million cookies.
Smiling at how amazing my girl is, I inhale the soothing aroma and fill two mugs.
“Hey.” I fold my hands on the table.
“I am so happy you’re here.” My dad takes a seat, lines of worry a clear sign on his face of the years that have passed.
“What’s going on, Dad?” I tuck my lips into my mouth and bite on them to prevent from crying.
“She had a decline. The doctor said it was normal, considering the circumstances. I called you right away.”
“What can I do to help?” I sip my coffee, waiting for his response. The warm bitterness brings pause to my galloping heart.
“Being here helps, sweetheart. Thank you for coming.”
“Of course, Dad. I’m sorry we couldn’t make it earlier. I didn’t want mom to catch our cold. Now that I see her, I wish we had.” The image of my mom staring motionless when I walked in fills my mind. Although she wasn’t exactly active a few weeks ago, she at least fed herself.
“It’s okay, sweetie. I think it was a good decision to wait.” He reaches for my hand and squeezes.
“Hey, no tears. This is a happy day. I have you and Rae here. That girl is something else.”
“She really is,” I agree. “How bad is mom’s condition?” I dare ask.
“The doctor suggested hospice, but…” He shakes his head, looking at an invisible spot on the table.
“I know, Dad.” I reach over and hold the top of his hand.
“Since she can no longer move without assistance, they say having someone to care for her is best. Hey, no frowning allowed in this house.” I think back to all the times growing up he made sure I’d be happy instead of upset. Whether it was something at school, at home, or simply hormones, my father always made it his job to make me smile.
“I’m sorry.” I look down, my emotions high-strung.
“Listen to me, you did what you had to do for you and your girl. And you come to see us as often as you can. You didn’t leave us, you moved on with your life like any child would do.” My father reads the guilt on my face.
I nod. I know he’s right. I visit as often as I can, we talk almost daily, but it still hurts. “I can move back in, find a job near here and help you. It has to be exhausting. With how I see her today, you can’t do it all alone.”
“Your mother is the love of my life. When we said our vows, we promised in sickness and in health. I never once doubted my role in her life, illness and all. She gave me you, my greatest gift. I do it because my love for her is stronger than my moments of grief.”
Hearing him speak makes me realize how strong their love is. Truth is, my mother did have spurts of aggression around the time I got pregnant. Once, she almost knocked me over because I wouldn’t allow her to leave the house alone. Memories like that overshadowed the good when I realized I was bringing a baby into this world.
As I sit in the kitchen, the Formica counters identical to when I was young, I remember it all—the good, the bad, the difficult. I’m grateful my mom was able to experience my high school graduation, but soon after the symptoms became more noticeable.
“How long does she have?”
My dad shakes his head. “Time will tell. She sits on the wheelchair because I move her, but if not, she’d be bed ridden.”
The lines in my dad’s face are more pronounced. Not only is he older, but the stress of caretaker has woven its way into his body, wearing him down.
“Mommy?” I look to the entrance of the kitchen. Rae’s eyes are small and her hair disheveled.
“Come here, baby girl.” I open my arms to her, waiting to embrace her and sit her on my lap. “I was just talkin’ to Grandpa.”
She snuggles into me and smiles at him, her eyes heavy.
“Do you want to go? I can call Jason.”
“It’s late. You’re welcome to stay. Your room is there for the two of you.” I check the time and realize it’s much later than I imagined. Jason must be losing his mind.
“Do you want to stay?” I ask Rae. She responds by tightening her arms around my neck and cuddling deeper into me.
“We’ll stay. I’ll have to call Jason and let him know. My phone’s been in my purse, and he’s probably worried.”
“I’ll get a fresh pair of sheets set up and you can call him.”
“I’ll get it. Get some sleep, Dad. We’ll figure the rest out tomorrow.”
He smiles and says goodnight.
I carry Rae and grab my purse from the living room. I somehow grab the sheets as well on the way to my old room. Opening the door is like being hit with a tidal wave of the past.
I set Rae down and get to making the bed. Then, I look through the drawers. I still have clothes here. I find a small shirt and change Rae. It’s still too big for her, but it’s better than nothing.
I lay her down, running my hand down her back. “Are you okay here a minute?”
“I think so.”
“I’m just going to run down and make sure Grandpa got to bed. Okay?”
“Mmhmm. And call Jason,” she mumbles. I kiss my sweet girl on the forehead and go back into the kitchen.
“Dad, go to bed. I’ll clean that in the morning.” I grab the soapy dish from his hand and rinse it, handing him the dish towel.
“I like doing this.”
“Then do it in the morning. It’s late, and you need to rest. Please,” I plead.
“Okay, okay.” I make sure he goes into his bedroom before closing the door to my room.
I scavenge through my purse, finding my phone. I have a few missed calls from Jason and text messages. I call him back and wait for him to answer, hoping he’s still awake. I need to hear his voice.
It’s surreal how quickly you become accustomed to someone. A month ago, Jason was a stranger. However, I know how easily a stranger can become much more. I look at Rae.
“Hello?” Jason clears his throat.
“Hey.” My heart thumps.
“How are you?” He becomes more alert.
“You were sleeping.”
“No, I’m okay.”
I giggle. “Yeah right.”
“Do you want me to come get you?”
“I’m going to stay the night here. Rae’s asleep,” I whisper.
“How was it?”
“Intense. Overwhelming. Emotional. Too many different things,” my voice falters.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Jason soothes. Is it crazy to miss him? Tonight, I wish we were back on the couch, snuggled together.
“It’s difficult seeing her like this.” I tell Jason every detail about our afternoon and evening.
“I don’t know what to do. How can I help them? I told my dad I’d move back in if that helps, but…” What happens if I move back here? Besides losing my job and the only home Rae knows, I’ll be further away from Jason. Will I have time to see him? Will our schedules work out? Then again, how long does my mom have to live?
“Baby, everything is going to work out. Don’t worry about me. You and I are here for the long haul. If you want to move back there, I’ll support you. It’s the same county, it’s not like you’re moving across the world, and even then, we’d make it work.”
I lean back on the bed, lying down, careful not to wake Rae. “I wish you were here. I could use a Jason hug.”
“I’ll give you as many hugs as you want.”
“Is it crazy to say I miss you?” I place the phone between the pillow and my ear.
“I miss you, too. We had a whole weekend together, you get used to that kinda bonding. It’s not every day I spend a weekend sick with a woman,” he teases.
Jason and I talk for a while, until I’m mumbling nonsense and he makes me hang up with a promise of seeing me tomorrow. I sleep, holding my daughter, and dream of the past.