Rae is outside with my dad, watering the lawn, while I sit in my mom’s room. They gave me time with her when I got home from work this afternoon. She’s been in bed most days since Sunday, and I’m worried this is the beginning of the end. Jason left for Los Angeles yesterday, and I’m wishing he were here more than ever. I can’t tell him that because he’s working and it wouldn’t be fair. I know he’s struggling with accepting Scott while trying to find his place in our lives. All of this is so confusing.
I scoot closer on the chair and grab the hand closest to me. I run my fingers through her hair, talking softly.
“Rae’s dad, Scott, ran into me a couple weeks ago. When he saw Rae, he knew she was his. I never thought I’d see him again, Mom.” I sniffle. “I didn’t even remember his name. It was embarrassing.” I continue to soothe her.
“We’ve met him twice, so he can spend time with Rae. Jason is jealous, but he shouldn’t be. I’m not attracted to Scott. I’ve come to realize that the reason Scott and I slept together was so that Rae could enter my life. She loves you so much. I’m happy we moved back to be with you.” I take a few deep breaths. I look around their bedroom. It hasn’t changed. The same bed and decor. To this day I can’t believe I moved out. I was selfish, or maybe I was protecting my child from a stressful upbringing.
“Anyway,” I continue. “Things are complicated. Scott seems like a nice person, but I can’t trust him yet with my daughter, even if he is her father. He asked if Jason and I were in a serious relationship. He wants to have a real chance at being a family, but I don’t love him. I love Jason. I have no doubt in my mind who I want to be with.
“I’m worried that when we bring in the lawyers to settle custody, it will be a rollercoaster ride. You know I never liked those. I wish you were fully present to talk about this.” I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand before placing it back over hers.
“I need you to tell me everything will be okay. My lawyer—thanks to Jason—has run background checks on Scott and everything has come out clean. He has no criminal record, he’s never been in trouble with the law, and he seems to be loved by his family and friends.
“I can’t help but think that this nice-guy persona will disappear as soon as we’re in front of lawyers agreeing on our custody. Rae does like him. She told me he’s nice.” My breath is loud as I exhale. “Dad says things will work out.”
My mom stares up, not moving. I sigh, staying quiet and continuing to brush her hair with my hand. Being here with her is nice, but I’m already grieving her loss and she’s not gone yet. Seeing her bound to the bed, feeding her soup as we sit her up as much as we can, are all stark realizations that her days are numbered.
“Mommy.” I look at the door when Rae whispers my name. I smile at my little girl, who has grown up a lot this summer. I wave her over and she tiptoes over to my chair. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s tired. I was talking to her for a bit and combing through her hair.”
Rae smiles and leans back on me. “I love her a lot.”
“She loves you, too, baby. She may not be able to say it, but she does.”
“Is she gonna die?”
I look down at my daughter and kiss her forehead. The sound of her giggle lightens the room. I nod. “She’s very sick. We don’t know when, but yes.”
“I’m going to miss her.” Rae pets my mom’s arm.
“Me, too.” I choke up. Rae turns to look at me.
“Don’t cry.” She hugs my waist. “We have Grandpa, too.” I nod as I hug her. My tears are an uncontrolled mess as I weep my mother’s inevitable death.
I feel a hand on my back and look up to find my dad standing next to us. I nod and catch my breath. When I stand from the chair, Rae looks at me with sad eyes. Maybe I shouldn’t have lost it like that in front of her.
“I’ll sit here for a while with Rae. Go take a break,” my dad says. I nod and walk out of the room, grabbing my phone from the kitchen table. I still have two days before Jason returns and I miss him. I send him a message asking if he can talk, noting the time difference. I’m not sure what his schedule is like over there.
I answer my phone as it rings.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” His voice is panicked.
“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I miss you. I… I wanted to talk. Hear you.”
“I’m here, baby.” I close my eyes as I hear his words.
“Thank you,” I whisper and close the door to my room. I lie on my bed and talk to him. I tell him about my mom’s condition these last two days.
“Scott wanted to see Rae again, but I told him we couldn’t. I need to be here if anything happens.”
“Do what’s best for you and Rae right now. If he really is that good a guy, he’ll be understanding.” Jason still hasn’t warmed up to the idea of Scott being in our lives. I don’t blame him. If the tables were turned, I’d be insecure as well.
“I love you,” I tell him so he knows I mean it. I’ve never been in love before. Not like this. This is a real kind of love. The love I feel for him makes me want to make promises that last beyond a lifetime. “I never thought I would,” I admit. “I never thought I’d love anyone besides my family.”
“I’m lucky you do. I miss you.”
“What have you been doing?” I settle into my bed ready to listen to his stories about Los Angeles.
“We met with the music producer today. We had lunch with Ronan Connolly after—”
“The movie star?” I interrupt him.
“Yeah,” Jason laughs. “Cash and him are friends, and he has a role in the film.
“Oh my God. That’s so cool.”
“He’s a great guy. We also performed the song, did a bunch of business, which was boring. I keep thinking about you. I want to be there with you.”
“You will be soon.”
“Yeah.”
Jason and I talk for a while longer. He tells me about the interviews they have coming up tomorrow and a guest performance for Musically Talented, one of the many song contests that exist. I relax as I talk to him, imagining him back soon.
When I hang up with Jason, I feel calm and ready to face the world again. Or at least my mom’s illness. I give my dad and Rae more time with my mom and begin cooking dinner. It’s the hardest on my father. They’ve been married for so many years, and soon she won’t be here anymore. I can’t imagine what that would feel like. He’s lived the last ten years focused on taking care of her. Once she’s gone, Rae and I will have to make sure to keep him busy.
I’m glad I’m only working a few days a week with this new job, so I can be here as much as possible. This week I work the first three days of the week, and then I have four to be home with my mom. The pay isn’t a whole lot, but it helps that I don’t pay rent at the moment. I have been less stressed financially since moving back here.
I roll out the dough I bought at the grocery store and shape it into something resembling a circle. I bring out the tomato sauce from the fridge and the shredded cheese. Pizza sounds perfect for dinner tonight.
I’m almost done placing the last pepperoni when Rae comes into the kitchen.
“You cooked without me?” She pouts.
I smirk and rub her head. “Here, help me place a few pepperonis.” I carry her and sit her on the counter, handing her the container with the round meat. I let her add a few extra pieces.
“I love you, Mommy.” Rae puts down the pepperoni and moves forward to hug me.
“I love you, too.” I tighten my arms around her, and carry her off the countertop, humming a song I used to sing to her when she was a baby. “You’re getting big, Rae.”
“You can still carry me though,” she replies. I don’t say anything else. I continue to hum, appreciating moments like this before they’re gone. Soon she’ll be too big for time like this with her Mommy. In the blink of an eye, my little girl will be a little woman, giggling with friends about the cutest boy in school.
I’m not looking forward to those days, but when I imagine them, I see Jason there with me.
“Cassidy Rae.” I stir in my bed. “Cassidy Rae,” someone is yelling my name. I pull the blanket under my chin and rub my eyes.
“Cassie.” My eyes shoot open. Is that my dad? I throw the covers off me and run out of my room.
“Dad?”
“I need you.” He sounds frightened. I run into their room and find him kneeling on my mom’s side of the bed. I blanch when I see her.
“Dad?”
“Call the doctor. Call 9–1-1.”
I nod my head, swallowing the lump in my throat. The sun hasn’t fully risen yet, but I run to the house phone and dial 9–1-1 first. After I give them details, I call the doctor. Then, I wait with my dad for them to arrive.
I don’t need a medical professional to tell me what I already know. When I touched my mom’s hand, it was frozen. Her eyes were glassed over. She had no heartbeat. I knew she was gone the moment I realized it was my dad calling my name. I lean against the wall as I watch the paramedics wheel her away. Two days ago I was sitting in this room telling her about my fears. I’ll never have that opportunity again.
The heaviness in the room tumbles me down, until I’m on the floor, sobbing. My body wracks as I realize she’s gone. This disease killed her even when the doctors said it wouldn’t. Of course it would. Despite the disease itself not killing her, the result of it did. I hug my knees and bury my face in the space between my bended legs and body.
I should’ve accompanied my dad to the hospital, but they only allow one person to ride in the ambulance and Rae is still sleeping. I have no idea how I’m going to tell her what happened. At some point, my phone rings. I’ve lost track of time and should go check on my daughter.
I look at the name and consider hitting ignore, but I answer it.
“Hello?”
“Cassidy? What’s wrong?”
I cry into the phone, unable to respond.
“Is it your mom?” Scott asks.
“She’s gone,” I manage to get out.
“Are you okay? Is Rae? I’ll come over.”
“You don’t have to. Rae is still sleeping.”
“I’m going to come. Give me your address.”
“Really, Scott. You don’t have to.” I stretch out my legs and shake my head as if he could see me. He continues to insist until I mumble off the address.
When we hang up, I try calling Jason and get voicemail. He might be flying already. I send him a text message and hope he gets here soon.
A knock at the door startles me. Disoriented, I stand and glance around my parents’ bedroom. The image of my mother lying on the bed, lifeless, is impregnated in my memory. I drag my feet to the front door.
“Hey.” Scott’s wide eyes stare at me. I try to smile, but instead a strangled cry comes out. He hugs me as I soak his nice shirt with my tears.
“Mommy?” I move away from Scott at the speed of lightning and look at Rae.
I go to her and pick her up, clutching her to me. I sit on the couch without releasing her. Scott closes the front door and looks around as he stands in the middle of the living room looking awkward.
“Please take a seat,” I somehow remember part of my manners taught to me. He sits on the couch next to us. Rae looks at the two of us with her brows pulled into the center of her face.
“What happened?”
I close my eyes and chase the air that can help me speak. “Baby, this isn’t easy to say.” The waterworks are in full effect as I look at Rae’s confused expression. “It’s Grandma. She passed away this morning.” I wait for her to speak. I give her time to process this information.
“She died?” Her voice cracks. I nod, unable to say another word without breaking down again. “Why?” she whines.
“Her heart stopped working.” I shrug. There’s nothing else to say besides that. The paramedics said it was most likely heart failure, but the hospital would have more information when they do an autopsy.
Rae crashes into me, her cries muffled by my pajama shirt. I run a hand down her back. I hate to see her like this. I hate feeling this way. I hate that this is how it all ends.
Scott reaches over and pats Rae’s head. He’s uncomfortable in a situation like this, but I have to acknowledge that he’s trying his best to be here for her.
Rae looks up at me, her eyes puffy and nose runny. I kiss her forehead and move her hair away from her face. “Cry all you want, baby girl. I’ve got you.”
“It’s not fair,” she complains.
“I know. I know,” I agree with her on repeat.
Another knock of the door startles me. Rae is gripping my shirt, keeping me planted where I am.
“I can answer it,” Scott offers. Seeing as there’s no way to move Rae at the moment, I nod.
My heart stops when I hear Jason’s voice. I get to my feet, carrying Rae, and walk toward the door.
“You’re here,” I cry. As soon as Jason sees us, he engulfs us in a hug. His scent comforts me. His body brings me home. Hearing his soft voice is a reminder of all I still have.
“It’s okay,” Jason whispers into my ear, kissing right above it. He rubs my back in circles, the warmth of his hand slowing my breaking heart.
One of Rae’s arms moves from around my neck and reaches around Jason’s neck. I look at her through my hazy vision and see her face dug into the crook of his neck. Her small body is trembling. I look up at Jason and he nods. I let Rae’s other hand reach for him and loop around his neck. Jason hoists her up and reassures her that everything is going to be okay. He clasps my hand and smiles.
Scott is staring at us with his hands in his pocket. “I’m going to head to work. I’m sorry about your mom. We can talk later.” He places a still hand on Rae’s back. “Bye, Rae.”
She turns her head and mumbles a goodbye.
When Scott extends his hand to shake Jason’s, I look between them and take in their interaction. I relax when Jason grabs his hand in a firm handshake and thanks him.
“I’ll be right back,” I whisper to Jason, my hand on his shoulder. He nods, and I follow Scott to the door.
“Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome. I really am sorry for your loss. I know you have Jason, but if you need anything, you can call me. I can watch Rae if you need time to sort through details. We’ll have the evaluator with me, if you want. We need to finish that process anyway. I understand that you and I will never be more than friends, and I do hope we can be friends for Rae’s sake, but I want a relationship with my daughter.”
“It’s hard to let her go,” I confess.
“I know, but I want to get to know her. It’s difficult to explain, but I love her already.”
With tears in my eyes, I smile. “That’s because you’re her father.” I think about my own parents and how much we mean to each other. How can I do that to Scott?
“I promise we’ll speed up this process. I think we can come to an agreement with our lawyers and not prolong it. We’ll do what we need to with the evaluator. Just give me a few days.”
“We’ll talk next week,” he nods, conceding to the space I ask.
When Scott leaves, I walk back into the living room to see Jason sitting on the couch, Rae on his lap. He puts his finger over his lips. I sit next to him, placing my head on his shoulder, careful not to wake Rae. His hand finds mine, and we sit like this for a short time. The silence surrounds us.