I used to long for romance. I would dream of meeting someone, being courted by a man willing to accept me for who I am as we’d fall in love seamlessly. It would be gentle. Yeah, we’d have challenges, but we would come out of them with a stronger bond. Then, I woke up. I realized that love isn’t the way I had portrayed it in my imagination. I was stuck on an illusion of beauty that is non-existent. Something I learned quickly. Instead, I reek of fried food and cleaning products.
I look to my right and sigh. I wouldn’t trade the lifeline I’m looking at for anything, even if that kind of love existed.
I cuddle further into the couch, pulling her with me even though I should put her to sleep on the bed so she could rest more comfortably. Some days I need to hold her a little tighter to remind myself that life isn’t all shitty.
Days like today, where I had to serve a handsome man, who reminded me of that lost dream. He stood out like a sore thumb between all the truckers, but when I realized who he was, my surprise was painted on me.
I sigh and look around the small space. Our home. Can I even call this a home? We’re crammed in this mobile home, but it’s the best I can do for us. One day, hopefully, I’ll be able to get us a real place. A place with more than one bedroom and a decent size living room where Rae can play, maybe a desk for her to do her homework. My eyes flutter closed for a brief moment as I imagine a place like that. Unless I win the lottery, I’m not sure that will ever happen. Can’t win if you don’t play.
Rae’s light breathing soothes me, and I carry her to the bed so we can rest. I’ll have to be at the diner tomorrow morning, and Abigail will be here early to watch Rae for me. I’ve come across good things living in a not so good place. Abigail is one of them. It’s a blessing she lives next door.
Holding my baby girl, I close my eyes and sleep a bit. She’s growing up so fast, and I want time to slow down. She’s the best thing in my life, and without her, I’m not sure where I’d be.
Every time the door opens, I look at who enters, in hopes that I’ll see the same face as yesterday. It’s stupid. Why would someone like him come back to a place like this? This is the best I can do, and I love working for Joyce, but this isn’t the kind of place famous musicians hang out in. Hell, it’s barely a place for a single mom to be a part of, but I need to survive this life. If I had gone to college and gotten a degree, I may not be here right now. Maybe I’d be living in a cushy apartment in downtown.
If that were my reality, I wouldn’t have my little girl. It’s bittersweet. I wouldn’t trade her for all the riches in the world, but I do wish our financial situation were different. I want to offer her the best life, and right now it’s subpar at best.
I wipe down the counter and refill coffee cups.
“Hey, suga, can I have a couple biscuits to take on the road?” one of the older drivers asks.
“Yup.” I give the order to the kitchen and tend to a few other tables. Humming the songs that play, I think back to my upbringing. Sadness washes over me. I do miss seeing my parents every day, but it is what it is.
I take the biscuits in a to-go container to the man who ordered them, along with his check.
“How much to get you wrapped up in a container and out on the road with me to satisfy my hunger?”
I cringe at the old man’s words and a shiver runs down my spine. I choose to ignore him, knowing men like this just want your attention, and walk away. As much as I love Joyce, this job doesn’t pay enough to deal with people like him. Unfortunately, this is a normal occurrence. When I grab the check from his table, he boldly, and disrespectfully, grabs my behind.
Tearing away, I look at him. “I’d suggest you treat me with more respect than that or we’ll have to call the authorities. We have zero tolerance to wandering hands or harassment of any type.”
“What’s going on, babe?” Ryan, the cook, comes out from the kitchen.
“Reminding our customers what respect is.” I look at the sorry excuse for a man. Ryan looks at the man and smirks. I know that smile. It’s the one he wears when he wants to kick someone’s ass. I put my hand on his arm. “I think he got the message.” Joyce will be pissed if Ryan gets into a fight with a customer, even if it is to defend me.
“Bullshit.” He looks at the money in my hand. “If I were you, sir, I’d leave. I think leaving her your change as a tip is the least you can do after disrespecting a woman. Now, get out before I bust your ass.”
Ryan waits until the man leaves. He takes his time grabbing his bag and walking out, as if Ryan’s threat was a bag of shit.
“Thanks,” I turn to Ryan. “But you know if you got physical Joyce would’ve fired you.”
“She can’t live without me,” he jokes. “Let’s get back to work.” He squeezes my shoulder.
I nod and check on the other customers. I hate causing a scene, but I refuse to let men think they have more power over me because of their gender. I’m grateful Ryan has always had my back. He’s the only other younger person working here, and he watches over all of us. We’re a family, a small one, but it’s all I need. Without them, I’d be out on the street somewhere. Thanks to Joyce, I have a job. Thanks to Maureen, another waitress, I have a place to live. It wasn’t long after I started working here that she recommended the mobile home I’m living in. A friend of hers was renting it and gave me a great deal since Maureen sent me.
And some weekends, when Abigail can’t babysit, I bring Rae here and she hangs out in the kitchen. It isn’t ideal, but I’m grateful for it. Summer break starts soon, and I’ll have Rae here more than usual.
When I’m done with my shift, I head home, eager to see Rae. I left her sleeping this morning, and I’m looking forward to spending some time with her. Maybe we can walk to the park near our house.
Opening the door, I hear Rae talking to Abigail. A smile covers my face as I hear her tell her about something that happened at school last week. At least she’s having a good year in her new school. I was nervous for her to start kindergarten back in the fall, but she always proves to me how ready she is for life. She’s my baby girl, but she’s way too smart for her age. I don’t remember being this savvy at six years old.
“Hi!” I walk in to see them.
“Mommy!” Rae jumps into my arms and I squeeze her tightly.
“Hi, sweetie.”
“I missed you.” She cuddles into me, nuzzling her face into my neck.
“I missed you, too. Did you have fun with Abby?”
“Yeah! We colored and played with my doll. She also brought me some cookies.” Rae leans back and I’m met with a wide smile. I look over her shoulder at Abigail and mouth, thank you. She winks and stands from the sofa.
“We had a great day. She filled me in on what she’s learning, and I helped her read her book.”
“Thanks, Abby. I owe you.”
“Nonsense, sweetheart. I happily do it. It’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a granddaughter,” she grins. Abigail and her husband never had children, although she always wanted them, so I know watching Rae is a gift for her. I only wish I could pay her, but she scolds me every time I bring it up, telling me to put the money I’d give her to treat myself to something. Instead, I split the little bit I can into a savings account for Rae and some for my parents. I want her to go to college and live out her dreams. I don’t want my situation to stop her from living. Not that I resent my parents, but I wasn’t able to have the support because of our circumstances.
Once Abigail leaves, I look around the home. Bless her, she cleaned for me. If she won’t accept my money, I’ll buy her a small gift as a thank you for all her help. She’s the closest thing to family I have in this area outside of the diner. Her and Blake make sure I’m doing okay and have everything I need.
“Do you want to go to the park before the sun sets?” I ask Rae.
“Yes!” she exclaims, stating it’s the best day ever. My heart flutters and tears fill my eyes. It doesn’t take much to make her happy, and I try with all my being to do whatever I can for her.
Hand in hand, we walk to the nearby park. It’s a blessing that there’s a small park here near the mobile homes. A few of the families have children, so we have some place to take them that’s safe. This area may not be the best in town, but at least the neighbors all respect each other. Outside of here, I wouldn’t wander too far alone or even with company.
Rae sings as I push her on the swing. To think, I almost gave her up. I’d never have an abortion, but I did consider adoption. I knew I’d never give her the life she deserved, but after that first doctor’s visit and hearing her heartbeat, I fell in love. It was instant, and I knew in that moment, I’d do anything to keep her and make a life for her.
That was when I decided to move out of my parents’ house. It was too much. My pregnancy was unexpected, an irresponsible one-night-stand. I was working in a bar at the time and quit as soon as I found out I was pregnant, got a job at Joyce’s Diner, and moved into the mobile home with the bit I had saved.
At first, my dad said we would make it work, but when I told him my reasons, he respected my decision. He did make me promise I wouldn’t disappear on them. I could never do that to them. My mom’s disease was too advanced for her to notice.
“Mommy, look!” Rae interrupts my thoughts, and I clap loudly as she goes down the slide.
“Great job, baby,” I praise and wrap her in my arms when she runs up for a hug. I look at her wavy, blonde hair and big brown eyes. People say she looks exactly like me, but I wouldn’t know if she looked more like me or her father. The eyes aren’t mine, so they must be his.
After swinging a little longer, we head back home and lock ourselves inside.
I stir the mac and cheese as it cooks, and Rae watches cartoons on the local channel. I serve our dinner and sit with her on the sofa.
“Tomorrow’s a school day, so once we’re done eating you have to clean up and get ready for bed.” It’s the last week of school, but I’m still maintaining a strict sleep routine.
“Okay. Can I take one of the cookies Abby brought for snack tomorrow? They’re really yummy.” She folds her hands with a wide grin.
“Of course you can. Do you want me to ask her where she bought them? Or do you prefer we bake some next weekend?”
“Bake! I want to be a baker when I grow up.”
I giggle and pull her to my side. “You can be anything you want.” I kiss the top of her head.
“Did you always want to work at a diner?”
“Not really, but I do love it.”
“What did you want to be when you grow up?” I love her innocence.
“When I was your age, I wanted to be a dancer.”
Rae’s eyes light up. “Like a ballerina?”
“Yeah. I always thought they were so pretty,” I smile, remembering the photograph of a ballet dancer I had in my room.
“They are pretty. You woulda been a great ballerina.” She scoots closer to me and hugs my arm. “When are we gonna see Grandma and Grandpa again? I miss them.”
“I miss them, too, sweetie. I’ll talk to Grandpa so we can go soon.”
My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s right before I graduated high school, and it devastated my father. For years it was just the two of them. When they thought they couldn’t conceive, bam, I came along. They were always much older than my friends’ parents, and I worked a lot to help them pay for the doctors and medicines. My mom doesn’t recognize me anymore, but I help as much as I can. Although my dad refuses when I give him money, saying I need to save for Rae’s college fund, I slip a little bit of money into his room every time I go.
It’s hard for Rae to understand the complexity of the disease, but she’s a champ. When we go and visit, she takes on the role of caregiver the same as my dad and me. She lightens up the house with her energy and chatter.
“Time for bed,” I announce, before she falls asleep on the couch.
“Okay.” Rae goes to wash up while I wash the dishes. I’m lucky she’s so well behaved. Her teacher also praises her.
“I’m ready, mommy,” she yells from the room.
“Want me to read you a story?” I peek into the room.
Her enthusiastic nod brightens my mood. Cuddled together, I read her favorite book until her eyes shut and her breathing slows.