My fingers stroke Rae’s hair as she sleeps. I’ve been awake for some time, but I haven’t had the courage to get up from this bed. I spent the first moments after waking up looking around this room. My eyes wander to picture frames holding snapshots of my life and the jewelry box I’ve had since I was a little girl. The dolls I kept stare at me as if shaking the memory of who I am from their empty heads. The books I loved as a child and teen are collecting dust in the corner shelf.
When my stroll down memory lane overwhelms me, I take comfort in holding Rae. She’s the reason I am where I am in my life, and she is worth the tears, worry, and days of uncertainty. Thanks to her, I truly met Jason. She may only be six, but this tiny girl is more powerful than anything else in this world.
Her body shakes as she moves closer to me. Her dark blonde hair is a mess atop her peacefully sleeping face. Her small hands hug me as she mumbles something in her sleep.
Sleep did not bring the clarity I was hoping for this morning. My mom’s condition is far worse than I imagined. I’m glad my dad is here all day to help her, but it can’t be easy. He must not have a moment to rest, and his age requires that.
We can move here, or I can work fewer hours and be here on certain days to help. My concerns about the move are for Rae. She had a great school year, and although it’s summer, I’m not sure how long we would be here for.
Through research, I know the actual illness won’t kill her, but complications due to it can.
“Hey,” I whisper when Rae grumbles and stretches. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah.” She brushes the hair from her face and sits up. Her eyes do their own inspection of the space. She gets out of bed and walks around. Rae sits on the chair at my desk and smiles at me. “I like your desk.”
“My dad built me that desk one weekend and we stained the wood, so it would match my dresser.” I point to the wall adjacent to it. That weekend was DIY weekend. We built the desk and I helped him fix a few things around the house while my mom baked apple pie.
Rae grabs one of the frames and stares at it. I walk to where she is. Although we’ve visited since she was a baby, my main focus has always been to help my dad and care for my mom. We never make time to come in here and talk about my life.
“That was my high school graduation.”
“Grandma and Grandpa look so different here.” I smile sadly. She’s only ever known my mom as a sick person.
“This was ten years ago. They were a lot younger, and Grandma wasn’t so sick then.”
“Oh.” She places the frame where it was and turns in the chair, kneeling so she can face the backrest. “What are those?”
“They’re a few ribbons from when I played volleyball in high school. Nothing special.”
“They look special.” Her wide eyes look up at me, pride shining in them.
I show her everything in my room—pictures of friends, clothes, decorations, and the dolls. I tell her everything that is tied to those items. This is a part of her momma she’s never seen before.
“Are you sad you left here?”
“Yes and no. I’ve missed my parents a lot, but I needed to start a new chapter in my life that included you.”
“And we wouldn’t have met Jason,” she stares at me.
“You’re right. We wouldn’t have, and he’s pretty great, isn’t he?”
“Yeah. He’s going to teach me to play the guitar.” Her smile is vibrant.
I show her more things around my room and she asks a ton of questions about my life before she was born. I’ve always been honest with her, within the appropriate parameters, so I answer every question truthfully. When I ask her if she wants the dolls for herself, her head moves like a bobble head doll.
“Are you ready to go see Grandma and Grandpa?”
“Yeah.” She jumps on both feet.
She puts on the clothes she wore yesterday and I change as well. I should’ve brought a bag with clothes and a few necessities, but I never imagined we’d spend the night.
“Good morning,” Rae sings as she walks into the kitchen. My dad smiles at her, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening. This girl brings sunshine into any room. What would normally be a heavy mood is switched with happiness.
“Good morning, Rae.” He bends downs to speak to her. She tilts her head and gives him a lopsided grin. “Go say hi to your Grandma.”
“How is she?” I ask my dad as Rae walks over to her wheelchair.
“Same as yesterday, sweetheart. Not much will change overnight.”
We look on at Rae, who is talking to my mom, no worry in the world that it’s a one-sided conversation. My mom offers a small smile, her eyes still distant and disconnected.
“What?” Rae leans into her. My eyebrows gather. Rae looks at me, her mouth open wide and her eyes gleaming. “She said your name.” She points at me.
“What?” I shake my head. “You said she doesn’t speak much,” I turn to my dad.
“She doesn’t, a few words or phrases every so often.”
“She said it again.” My mom’s hand barely rises, but she reaches for Rae’s face, her thin fingers touching her face.
My breath becomes ragged and I walk to them. “Mom?” Her eyes turn to me.
“My baby.” She looks back at Rae.
With my eyes welled, I bend down next to Rae. “This is my baby,” I whisper. “She’s Rae.”
“Cassie?” she mumbles.
A sob travels through me like a bursting pipe. I bury my face in my hand a moment, willing myself to stay calm. Soft petting tickles my back. Rae smiles at me as her hand moves up and down.
“Why don’t you sit and talk with her a while and I’ll get some eggs cookin.’”
“I can help, Dad.”
“No. You sit and spend time with your momma.” I sit on a chair at the table and talk to my mom. Rae takes a seat on my lap, staying as close as possible. Her smile never falters.
I tell her about my life and my job. I even mention Jason. Rae tells her how much she loves drawing. A few expressions are seen on my mom, but her eyes are what impress me. A void fills them, as if she were in another world. However, there’s still some reaction to what we’re saying, and although her mobility is limited, her hands move.
I’m surprised when she holds my hand and mumbles something inaudible.
“She tries to express herself, but it’s difficult. Mostly, she’ll say names from people she hasn’t seen or spoken to in years,” my dad explains.
We spend the morning like this. We eat breakfast together, and I assist my mom with her meal, offering to help as much as I can. When we finish eating, I clean up the kitchen while my dad takes my mom outside with Rae. She loves sitting out there in the mornings. I wonder if she’s aware that she’s not well, and feels trapped by the disease. A part of her core is still present in her, but it’s as if she can’t release that part of her. As if the power of Alzheimer’s is greater than her will to be herself.
Dishes washed, I call Jason.
“How are you?” his voice is laced with worry.
“I’m okay.” I sit on the same chair at the table, so I can have a partial view of the patio. “Emotionally tired. I may be in shock.”
“Anything you need, Caz, you tell me. I’m here for you. How’s Rae?”
“She’s fantastic,” I chuckle. “I have no idea why I was blessed with such an amazing child, but she’s brought happiness into the situation. She’s sitting outside with my parents now.”
“I’m glad she’s getting this time.” The tenderness in his voice moves me. “Are you sure you’re okay? You sound as if you’re pretending.”
I groan. “How can you tell?” He’s perceptive.
“Because I can tell when something’s not right. Talk to me, babe.”
“I feel like I’m going to lose it at any time. I’ve been trying not to break down, and the more I resist, the more difficult it becomes. I’m scared, Jason.” Tears begin to fall like autumn rain, gentle and expected.
“It’s normal to feel scared. You have to trust and have faith that things will work themselves out. Be grateful you can be with them and spend time with her and your dad.”
“Thank you. You’re pretty amazing, ya know.” I smile through my tears.
“Nah. You’re the amazing one. I’m in awe of you. I’m assuming Joyce gave you some time off?” he inquires.
“She did. She told me to take time to care for my family. She also said that I’ve worked hard enough in the last seven years to deserve time off. She’s paying me while I’m away. It won’t be as much as when I get tips, but I can’t thank her enough for still helping me in what way she can.” I wish Jason were here. I wish I were talking to him in person. Difficult times reveal to us those we care about and want next to us. Jason is that person.
“You deserve that, Caz.” His voice is sweet.
“I think I want to spend a few days here. At least until I decide what to do.” I haven’t made any decisions yet, but I want—need—to spend a few days here.
“I can pick you up when you’re ready, so you can grab stuff from home,” Jason suggests.
“Thanks. I’d appreciate that.”
“I’m serious, Cassidy Rae, anything you need. I’m here for you. I don’t care what time it is or if I’m working. Don’t feel like you can’t call me because of some lame excuse. Call me. Text me.”
“You’re not just pretty amazing. You’re the most amazing. I’ll let you know a time in a bit?”
“Perfect. I’ll have my phone on me. Bye, baby.”
“Bye.”
I stare at my phone, unsure of how I found someone like Jason to accept us and the chaos in my life. To accept everything about my family. I close my eyes and offer a prayer of thanks for bringing him into my life and for surrendering my stubbornness to see the great man he is. I pray for my mom and dad. I pray for Rae, and I pray for me. Then, I walk outside and spend time with my family.
Rae is showing my parents her dance moves as my dad claps to a beat and my mom smiles and sways her head. I sit next to them, smiling, and join my dad in clapping. Once Rae is done, she takes a bow.
“Now guess what animal I am acting like,” she calls out.
Rae begins to act as different things, my dad and I calling out animal names. My mom has more energy in her today than last night. I’m sure the evenings are exhausting for her. While my dad and her watch Rae, I look at my mom. She was always so lively, so energetic, despite being older.
Her hair always had to be perfect. I laugh inwardly. I was always the opposite—subpar hairstyles, undone nails, and sneakers over heels. Had I known this would be her destiny, I would’ve begged her to teach me to do a French braid when I was younger. She loved braiding my hair, and I always took it for granted.
“Mom, can you guess this one?” Rae tears me away from my memories.
“Let me see.”
Rae extends her neck, her mouth in an exaggerated frown from the force. She gets on her tiptoes and takes long steps. I giggle as she imitates this animal.
“Hmmm… a cat?” I play along.
“Nope,” she giggles and continues to walk.
“Oh! A giraffe?” I wink at my dad.
“You got it!” she exclaims and runs up to me. “How did you guess?” I love the innocence of a child.
“They are your favorite.”
“They are.” She crosses her arms and slants her head, swaying her body. “What’s your favorite animal, Grandpa?”
“A horse. They’re strong animals.”
“I like those, too.” Rae nods. “How about you, Grandma?” She turns to look at my mom, who still seems to be humming a song.
“Her favorite animal is the elephant,” my father responds for her.
“Like you, Mommy,” Rae yells.
“Yes, baby.”
I got a lot of things from my mom despite the lack of fashion passion, and my love for elephants was one of them.
Jason arrives a few hours later. My dad was on board with Rae and I staying a few more nights to help with what we can. We will have to come up with a plan, so I can support him. Maybe tonight once Rae is in bed and my mom is sleeping he and I can chat.
“Rae, let’s go grab some stuff from the house and we’ll come back.”
“I wanna stay,” she demands.
“Rae,” I warn, widening my eyes.
“Please, Mom,” she begs, joining her hands and lacing her fingers together.
“We’ll be back in no time.”
Her eyebrows scrunch and she frowns. “I want to stay with Grandma and Grandpa.”
I sigh. She doesn’t understand that my dad has enough trouble having to care for my mom.
“Let the girl stay, Cassie,” my dad says. “She’ll be my helper. Ain’t that right, Rae?”
“Yes! I’ll be a super-duper helper. I promise, Mom.” She looks up at me with puppy-dog eyes. I hate when she does that. It gets me every time.
“Dad, are you sure? I don’t want her to stress you out.”
“That girl couldn’t stress me out if she tried. She’s sunshine.” He smiles and winks at Rae, who is already jumping up and down for getting her way. “You have some time with that young man,” he juts his chin toward Jason, who is standing in the entrance of the kitchen.
“Thanks, Daddy. If you need anything, call me. I’ll grab what we need and come right back.”
“Don’t rush. We’ll be here,” he says.
I take a seat in the passenger side and stare at the house as Jason makes his way to the driver’s side.
“Hey.” He reaches over, and his hand holds the back of my neck. I turn to look at him. The crease between his eyebrows is like a river in a valley as he looks at me.
“Thank you.” I can’t seem to stop thanking him.
“She’ll be okay,” he reassures.
I nod. “I know Rae will be okay. It’s adding that extra responsibility to my dad that worries me.”
Jason moves so both hands are holding my face. He kisses my forehead, and I close my eyes, soaking in the warmth of his lips on my skin. With the stress of the last twenty-four hours, seeing him is like a streak of light, piercing through a dark tunnel. Not knowing what the right decision is has been pushing me back and forth. I owe it to my parents to stay and help, but is that the best thing for Rae? She’s my priority.
Right now, she seems okay there. Maybe the school I went to still has a good reputation. I can get information. I would be further away from Jason, but my family comes first. I hate to even think that, because I like him. I like what we’re building. It won’t be impossible to continue growing together. Difficult, yes.
Jason drives to my house. The tick in his jaw is repetitive and his scruff is a little longer than usual. We’re both quiet as we ride the streets of Tennessee, but his hand remains firmly in mine. I welcome the comfort and allow it to take me away like a whimsical hot air balloon ride. Eventually we’ll land in reality, but until then, I’ll bask in the soothing rub of his fingers over mine.
Jason parks across from my home, giving my hand a squeeze before he releases it. I walk into my house and go into my room, stuffing clothes for a few days for both Rae and me in an overnight bag. The shoes we’re both currently wearing are okay, so I won’t need that extra baggage.
I walk into the bathroom and peek at Jason sitting on the couch, staring at the wall ahead of him. I shake my head and grab our toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, and anything else we’ll need. I’ll let Abigail know we’ll be away a few days, so she can keep an eye on the house.
I called Joyce after I spoke to Jason this morning and told her my plan, which she encouraged me to do.
After I have everything I think we’ll need, I walk into the living room and sit next to Jason. With my feet tucked under me, I look at him.
“You okay?” I trace the outline of his jaw.
“Yeah,” he sighs.
“Liar,” I challenge.
Jason’s eyes are clouded when he looks at me. “I don’t know how to help you. I feel your worry, yet I’m not sure how to ease your pain.”
I smile and relax my shoulders. On an exhale, I lean my head on the crook of his neck and reach for his hand. Fingers linked, Jason rests our hands on my bended leg. I kiss the underside of his jaw.
This man has provided me with a different perspective of life. I once thought I was a mother and nothing more. I believed I had no space in my life for anyone or anything else besides the wheel I kept turning. Now, I see that I can have more. He’s taught me that. Rae has taught me that by approving my relationship with him. She’s so strong.
“This, right here, is all I need. Hold me. Comfort me. Be present. I don’t need more than that. My life is about to get tossed up and thrown around. I’m worried I’ll make a wrong choice. I’m worried I’ll uproot Rae and undo the grasp she has of her life. I’m scared that in doing that, I’ll lose what you and I could be.”
“What we are.”
“What?”
“We’re not a could be. We are a real thing. In this moment. We won’t lose that. I promise, Cassidy Rae.”
I lift my head and look at the sincerity in his eyes. “Can you make that promise, though?”
“I can, because you’re what I’ve been looking for my entire life. With every woman I’ve met, I searched for you. Now that I’ve found you, I’m keeping you. Call me greedy. Call me insane. I don’t care. All I care about is keeping you and Rae in my life.” Jason kisses my lips.
Tears are rolling from my eyes in a silent escape. He kisses my tears. With a gentle tug, he pulls me over to his lap.
“The only result from this situation is death. She’s not the same person, but she’s my mom,” I cry.
“Shh… it’s okay, babe.” Jason pulls me into him, encasing me in his arms as I cry into his neck.
I break down, the control I had kept in front of my parents and Rae dissolving. I clasp the sides of Jason’s shirt. Seeing my mom in such a vulnerable state is heartbreaking. Witnessing her lack of power is overwhelming. Watching my dad care for her devastates me. He’s older than she is. He has his own health to care for.
“I want to move back home to help.” I lean back and look at Jason.
“Okay.”
“I can get a part-time job, so I’m around more. Not having to pay rent will help alleviate the financial stress. Once school starts, Rae can be enrolled in the same school I attended. I’ll have to look into it.”
“That’s what we’ll do.” Jason speaks as if the decision is his as well. In a way, it affects him, too.
“I’ll have to talk to Joyce and the landlord. Make sure I can end the lease in a month. Tonight, I need to sit with my dad and talk to him. We need a plan, and I want to know as much as I can about the advancement of my mother’s condition.”
“Start with that. We’ll figure things out. I’ll help you move your things.”
“I still want to have time for us, but…” I don’t dare finish that thought.
“We will. It’s not far. Other couples have a longer drive to see each other. We’ll make time. We’ll have a plan.”
“I have no idea where you came from, Jason Stone, but I want to keep you.” I hold his cheeks and kiss him straight on the lips.
“Well, Cassidy Rae Pressman, it’s a good thing I want to keep you, as well. We got this, baby.” He kisses me back with more passion than the other kisses we’ve shared in the last few days.
Jason’s tongue sweeps mine and I sigh, leaning into him. I shift my body so I can face him straight on, and return the kiss with as much fervor.
“Baby,” Jason murmurs against my lips.
“Mmm?”
“Come on,” he taps my behind.
I keep my eyes shut, enjoying the closeness we’re sharing before reality settles. I’d love nothing more than to get lost in his kiss for hours.
“If we don’t stop, this trip will take double the time it should,” he groans. I can feel his reaction underneath me, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t affect me. A man hasn’t touched me since the night I got pregnant with Rae. And that was less touching and more humping. Drunken sex isn’t good sex. It’s been even longer since I’ve been kissed the way Jason kisses me.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very fond of this position,” he winks with a mischievous smile.
I give him a hard kiss and stand. I giggle as he takes a minute before he gets up from the couch.
“Did you eat?”
I shrug. “I had some breakfast. Eggs. I wasn’t that hungry, though.”
“You hate eggs,” he states.
“Not hate, I just prefer something else.”
“Let’s grab a quick bite on the way over.”
“Would you mind stopping at the grocery store on the way as well? I want to grab a few things for the house,” I ask.
“Of course not.”
After we eat lunch, we stop at the grocery store. I’m filling the cart with ingredients to make different recipes. Jason walks with me, rolling the cart while I stop every few minutes to debate if I need a certain item. I’m a pro at shopping on a budget, so I scan the aisles for sales. I keep in mind that softer foods are easier for my mom to eat and grab a few soups.
Once I’m done, we wait in line to be rung up. As I bring out my wallet, Jason places his hand on mine and shakes his head.
“Let me.”
“No.” I’m adamant.
“Please, Cassidy Rae.”
“This isn’t why–”
“I know it’s not, but I want to. It’s a way I can help.”
My breathing becomes labored as I try to hold in the pulsing need to weep. He doesn’t have to pay for us, and I’d never have asked him to bring me if I knew he would. However, seeing his pursed lips and scrunched eyes, I concede. I nod and move away, surrendering to someone’s help.