Jason drives us to the hospital to pick up my dad and get the information we need from the medics. Dad looks worn when I see him sitting in a chair with his head in his hands.
“Daddy.” I sit next to him and hug him. We both cry, mourning the loss of my mother. The one thing I’m grateful for is that she passed in her sleep and didn’t suffer more than she could have.
“Sorry it took us a bit to get here,” I tell him. Rae is by the entrance of the emergency room waiting area holding Jason’s hand. Her eyes are wide as she looks around the hospital. I nod her over and Jason brings her. He gives his condolences to my father before my dad hugs Rae.
“I already contacted the funeral home. They are squaring away the arrangements. What did they say here?”
My dad doesn’t loosen his hold on Rae as he speaks. “It seems to have been heart failure. Her heart stopped working.” He lifts a shoulder. His red-rimmed eyes break my heart. I clutch his hand and attempt a smile.
“It’s going to be okay, Dad.”
He nods, his lips pursed.
As soon as we get home, Jason tells us to sit in the living room and rest. He goes into the kitchen, and all I hear is the sizzling of something and the clacking of other things.
I sit with my dad, comforting him. Rae fell asleep again, and I’ve decided that is how she’s dealing with things. I put her in bed when we got back from the hospital and made sure the stuffed elephant she loves so much is with her.
“We’ll have to clean her things out,” my dad says absentmindedly.
“Are you sure you want to do that already?”
“Yes.” It’s a one-word response that tells me there’s no fighting with him on this. “I feel stronger today than I will feel when we lay her to rest.”
“We’ll do it together after we eat.” I want to make sure my dad remains strong during this time. At his age, a loss like this could weaken and depress him. I won’t lose him as well.
“That boy in there sure loves you,” my dad comments.
“Yeah, he does.” I nod, and silently thank whatever god is up in the sky for bringing Jason into my life.
“Breakfast is ready,” Jason pops into the living room. I turn my head to look at him.
“Thank you. Come on, Dad.” I help my dad stand from the couch and guide him.
When we walk into the kitchen, my breath hitches at the view. Jason has set the table, using a tablecloth and all. The plates and utensils are set perfectly with the food in the center of the table.
“You went all out,” I tell him as the smell of eggs and French toast waters my mouth.
“I found eggs and bread, figured I’d get a little creative.” He shrugs as if it’s no big deal.
“You really can cook,” I tease him.
His smile is wide. “Should we wake Rae?” Jason asks.
“I’m going to let her sleep. I have a feeling the weight of the last month is hitting her and I don’t want her to be more affected than she is.”
We sit at the table to eat; my mom’s missing presence creates an eerie mood. My dad eats a little, which I’m happy about. I was worried he’d sit at the table and stare at the space my mom used to occupy. It will be hardest for him to overcome, and I will make sure I’m here to help him grieve.
After breakfast, I help my dad look through my mom’s belongings. Jason promises to serve Rae breakfast when she wakes up, adding that if we need him to holler. I give him a chaste kiss before following my dad into the bedroom.
I look through her clothes and jewelry wistfully. She hadn’t worn half of these things in years. I decide to keep a couple of items–special keepsakes for Rae and me to share. I keep most of her jewelry–the real gold pieces she owned–including her engagement ring. The small, round diamond shimmers on the gold band, and you can feel the love woven into it.
“Are you okay?” I sit next to my dad on the bed, where he’s clutching a dress. His eyes are red.
“Your mother wore this the evening you were conceived.” He holds the blue, sparkly dress. I know how hard they tried to have a child and the significance of that memory.
“It’s a beautiful dress.” I put my arm around his shoulder.
“You should keep it.” I nod, taking it from him and folding it.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“I’m glad you and Rae are here,” he squeezes my knee.
“Me, too.” I kiss his cheek and link my arm with his. I’ve been crying on and off all day. I’m emotionally spent, but I want to be here to support my dad. We could’ve done this another day, but maybe this is his way of processing and accepting her death. Who am I to judge?
I wipe my cheeks when I see Rae peek her head into the room.
“Come over, sweetie.” Her pace is slow as she approaches us. “Did you eat?” She nods. “Seems like the cat got someone’s tongue.”
She smiles and sticks her tongue out. “No, he didn’t.” She climbs onto the bed and nestles between my dad and me. We hug her, and my dad’s body shakes softly. I rub his back in figure eights like he used to do to me when I was a child.
“I miss Grandma,” Rae whispers.
“We all do, baby girl, but she’s resting peacefully now.”
“With God?”
“Yeah.” I give her a lopsided smirk.
“He’ll take care of her,” Rae nods.
“Yes, He will, and she will take care of us. She’s your angel now, so whenever you miss her, talk to her. You won’t be able to see her, but she’ll be listening for your prayers.”
“Really?” Rae’s brown eyes become rounder.
“Promise,” I reply.
Saying goodbye to my mom was hard. It’s been a little over a week since we buried her. It only took a couple of days to get things sorted with the funeral home. We didn’t have a viewing, and my dad already had most of it organized, knowing my mom could be gone any day.
The days have been emotional, and my dad goes through spurts of sadness as the hours pass. I understand it’s normal, but I feel helpless. I was given a few days off from work to mourn and be with my family, and Jason has been here everyday since. I’m grateful the band has given him some time to be with me, and I’ll have to thank them personally whenever I meet them.
The burial was a peaceful farewell, although we cried the entire time. It was us and a handful of long-time friends. Abigail and Blake came, and it was great to see them and have them present during a difficult time.
My mom is finally resting, but my heart hurts not seeing her everyday. I feel empty without having her to take care of, and I can imagine my dad is feeling as if his purpose in life was buried with my mom.
Rae did stay with Scott during the burial, and he dropped her off when we were done. She wanted to go, but I told her this was something for adults only. I didn’t think the emotional stress would have been good for her.
He’s had a few visitations with her alone during the afternoons this week. Sometimes he’ll take her to dinner. The court evaluator has observed us independently with Rae and interviewed us, along with Rae. We have each requested reference letters from people that know us. It’s been overwhelming, but I promised Scott we’d speed up the process as much as we can.
Rae seems okay going with Scott and is always happy when she returns. I do believe it has helped keep her mind off of my mother’s death.
“Hey.” Jason places his hands on the counter, caging me. My skin pebbles as he drops a kiss on my neck. He has been incredible all these days, patient and sweet. He arrives with the rising sun and drives home in the moon’s glow. I feel bad he spends all his days here, but it’s given us more time together. When my dad and Rae go to sleep, we sit on the couch and talk for hours.
“Hi.” I turn around.
“Are you okay?”
“Mhmm,” I nod. My arms find their way around his back and I scoot close to him. “I was thinking about my mom and the situation with Scott. I’m overwhelmed.”
“I know, babe. Let’s go to dinner tonight, the four of us. I think it will be good for your dad.” I set my chin on his chest and look up at him.
“He might want to stay home.” He’s taking his time overcoming this.
“We can ask.” He shrugs.
“Okay.”
“I love you so much.” Jason’s lips touch mine. I want longer to taste him, but it’s not the best moment. Rae or my dad can walk into the kitchen any minute now.
“I think I’m always going to miss her.”
“Probably, but the days will get easier.”
“I love you, too, you know.” I grin.
“You better, because I’m keeping you,” he winks.
“You better,” I echo and kiss his chest before moving away.
“Do you have anything else you want me to take to the church?” Jason asks.
We found a local church that accepted my mom’s clothes for the women in the community. They have a group of women who live in shelters and accept donations. I was happy that they were going to a place that was in need of them.
“That’s all that’s left.”
“I’ll be back then.” He kisses my cheek.
I’m grateful Jason offered to take the bags to the church. When he leaves, I look for Rae and my dad outside. Rae wanted to plant the seeds she saved from a tomato a few days ago, and my dad promised they’d do it today.
I see them both on their knees, patting down the dirt. “Did you plant the seeds?” I shield my eyes from the sun.
“We did!” Rae jumps to her feet, muddy knees and messy hair. My dad takes a bit longer to stand. Those two are quite the pair. I sit on one of the chairs out here and wait for them to join me.
“Jason went to drop off the donations at the church. He asked if we wanted to go to dinner. It’d be good to go out for a bit.” I tilt my head and look at my dad.
“I think I’d rather stay. You and Jason go. Will you keep your old Grandpa company?” he asks Rae.
“No, Dad. We all go or we all stay.”
“Cassidy Rae, that man has been here everyday since your momma passed. Bless his heart. Go spend time with him. It’ll be good for the both of you, and your mom would want that.”
“Are you sure?” My eyebrows wrinkle.
“Positive. What do you say, Rae? Wanna hang with me tonight?” I giggle hearing my dad use the term hang.
“Okay.” Rae bites her lip.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“Yeah, Grandpa and I will have fun. Can we watch a movie?” She gives him her famous puppy-dog pout.
“You got it. I think we have some old movies your mom loved we can put in the VHS,” my dad responds.
“What’s a VSH?” Rae looks at us.
“VHS,” my dad corrects her. “You’re about to learn all about the old-time technology.” My dad wears a proud smile, and I relax. This is will good for him. My mom would want that.
Life is supposed to go on, and I’ve seen that with Scott. In a way it’s been helpful to keep moving forward. Next week I’m meeting with my lawyer, and we will talk about the custody process and review the agreement Scott’s lawyer sent. He hasn’t mentioned what is included, and I haven’t asked. We’ve been amicable, and I would like to keep things that way.
I hear the sliding door open behind me and I turn to smile at Jason. The sunlight reflects on my damp skin. It’s a gorgeous day, but it is hot. August tends to be the hottest month, and it’s kicked off strong in the heat factor.
“Was everything okay?” I ask him when he grabs a seat and moves it next to me.
“Yeah, they were so grateful. Those women don’t have much of anything.”
“Thank you. I told them about dinner, but my dad says you and I should go out alone.”
“Are you sure?” Jason looks at my father.
“Yeah, son. Rae and I will have a movie night. I’m going to teach her all about the VHS. You remember those, right?”
Jason chuckles. “Yes, sir, I do.” He looks at me. “Are you okay with that?” I nod and smile. I want to have time together like a real couple, without sadness lingering over us. He has taught me so much about enjoying my own life and not feeling guilty for doing so. It’s too easy to get caught up in everyone else’s needs instead of my own, but they’re family and Rae is my life. I’m learning it’s good for her to have her own life as well, and Scott has made that possible.
I yawn as I scoot back against Jason. We’re lying on the chaise side of the sectional. We opted for a night in at his place. When Jason said he would cook, I suggested we pick up pizza instead and spend more time together.
“Are you tired?” He looks down at me. His hands rest on my stomach. It’s the most comfortable I’ve been in weeks.
“This movie is boring.”
“What?” The surprise in his voice makes me laugh. How can he like this stuff?
“It really is, Jason.”
“Cassidy Rae, Braveheart is a classic.”
“Great, it’s still boring,” I’m partly teasing him because he made a big fuss about finding my favorite movie. Truth is, this is not the kind of film I enjoy.
“What do you want to watch?” he asks.
“Nothing.” The movie has been going for a good hour, and I stopped listening forty minutes ago. I’ve been focused on Jason’s heartbeat near my ears and the comfort I feel being here.
“What do you want to do then?”
I move my body from side to side, scooting closer to him. “I just want to stay here for a while.”
“Baby, you gotta stop moving that way.” Jason groans as I settle between his legs. His hands have now snuck under my shirt and lay flat on my stomach. I shiver when he touches my skin. I love being with him like this, and it’s nice to not have to whisper because people are sleeping. It’s nice to disconnect a bit.
I jump when Jason kisses my neck, causing him to snicker against me. He continues his torment, his tongue joining his lips. My skin pebbles as he moves from the base of my neck up to right below my ear.
“Jason,” I whisper-moan when he scrapes his teeth on my earlobe. One hand pushes into my stomach and the other moves to rest on my inner thigh. His mouth doesn’t let up as he kisses random paths on my skin.
I turn my head to catch his lips. As my body turns to him, his hand moves to my back. Facing him now, my legs on either side of him, I kiss him how I want. My body flush against him as our lips meet and part to allow access to the other. My tongue sweeps against his and I’m lost in the feel of his kiss.
What starts as slow, builds in intensity and fire. My fingers graze the end of his hair as I settle on him. Jason hardens beneath me and my desire grows. We’ve only had the opportunity for make-out sessions like this, and I’m ready for more. I press my hips against his and Jason groans into my mouth. His hands are everywhere, desperate to touch me as we kiss.
His fingers glide their way up my shirt until they reach the edge of my bra. I sigh as I feel him slide his fingers from side to side. I arch my back, encouraging him. I’m being bold, but I want this. I want to be the woman I feel when I’m with Jason. The woman I thought was lost long ago.
He skims his hands over my bra and cups my breasts, his thumbs running over my nipples. I shiver at the feel of him through the fabric. After a few times, he lowers my cups and touches me, skin on skin. I release the kiss and moan.
“Fuck, baby,” Jason growls.
“That feels so good.” My desire-laced voice sounds like a stranger.
“I’m going to make you feel even better.” He throws my shirt over my head and I look down at my breasts spilling over my bra. I want to cover them and put my shirt back on, but Jason holds me and kisses me. They aren’t perky like other women my age and they have some stretch marks from my pregnancy. I definitely have a post-pregnancy body, even though Rae is six-years-old, and it’s not what I would define as sexy.
“So beautiful,” he murmurs against my lips. His fingers pinch my nipples as his tongue invades my mouth.
His mouth leaves mine as it descends, licking my puckered nipples before taking one in his mouth. I push into him, taking in the sensations he’s creating with his mouth and hands. I want more. I want to feel him everywhere.
I grind against him again and he stops kissing my breasts.
“Baby, I’m trying to make you feel good, but that movement is going to end this before we begin.”
I giggle. “I can’t help it. I feel you through our clothes and…” I trail off when he moves his mouth back to my nipples and bites softly. I cry out, making a noise I’ve never heard come from me before. I’m so sensitive everywhere.
Jason’s hands sneak into the back of my jeans, resting over the top of my behind. I move his mouth back to mine, desperate to taste him again. I control the kiss, loving the way his short beard scratches my faces.
Grabbing the hem of his tee shirt, I lift it over his head and run my hands down his chest over the light sprinkling of hair. I grip his forearms and stand from the couch. I reach behind me and remove my bra.
Jason groans as it falls to the floor. “Stunning.” He remains still. When my hands reach for my jeans, he sits up. “Let me.” He unbuttons my jeans and lowers the zipper, removing my jeans. I stand before him almost naked and wanting.
“I want to touch you and make love to you. I’m desperate to do it all.”
“Do it.” My voice is hoarse. He kisses my belly and stands, hoisting me up. “In my bedroom.” I wrap my legs around him as he carries me to his room. He drops me slowly with a passionate kiss before lifting his mouth and trailing kisses down my body. I tense, aware of his destination.
Jason looks into my eyes as his hand sneaks into my underwear and runs along my clit. I moan and lift my hips up from the bed.
“Fuck, babe,” he groans and swallows my cries as he inserts a finger into me and begins to pleasure me with his hand.
I’m begging for a release by the time he gives it to me. “I love you,” he murmurs against my lips.
I reach for his jeans in an attempt to get him naked, but he stands before I can. “Is this what you want?” He undoes a button on his pants. I nod. “You sure?”
“Yes,” I croak.
“I’m all yours, baby. All of me belongs to all of you, and all of you belongs to all of me.”
He steps out of his jeans and boxer briefs. I lean up on my elbows to look at him. Then I move to my knees and reach for him, gliding my hand up and down his shaft. I pick up speed when he doesn’t stop me, never breaking eye contact.
Jason lengthens in my hand, the feel of him stirring a need inside of me that has been dormant for so long.
“You gotta stop now.” He places his hand over mine.
“Make love to me, Jason.”
He leans over me, bringing us both down on the bed and reaches over to the bedside table for a condom.
“I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time, Cassidy Rae. You look even better on my bed than I imagined.” He kisses me before I can respond and enters me. I tense until he puts his hand on my hip and massages me.
Jason moves in me, the feeling of making love to him overwhelming my emotions. I cling on to him, my mouth on his, and move my body to the rhythm he’s set. We pick up speed, my orgasm building. The feel of his hand on my breasts adds to the waves crashing down on me. Jason moves his body in perfect harmony as I cry out his name and tremble beneath him. My orgasm extends as he continues to push into me and groans with a final thrust.
We’re covered in a fine sheen of sweat and breathing hard. Jason leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. After a few beats, he leans down and gives me a kiss.
“Cassidy Rae Pressman, I’m so fucking in love with you.” Jason moves next to me and kisses my shoulder before standing and walking into the bathroom. I scoot up on his bed, lying on my side. When he returns, he lies next to me and pulls me close. I rest my head on his shoulder, listening to his heartbeat. I want to stay like this forever. I want this man with me for an eternity if possible. He makes me feel as if I’m the most beautiful woman. He makes me feel special. He reminds me I’m more than a mom and a daughter.
I nestle my leg between his and drape my arm across his stomach. Jason runs his fingers through my hair as we both come down from our climax.
“I want you to stay here. I hate the idea of having to drive you home,” Jason confesses.
I sit up and look at him with soft eyes. “But that’s how it is.” I shrug.
“It doesn’t have to be.” He sits to face me, his hand resting on my hip. “I want you and Rae to move in with me.”
“What?” I gasp.
“Every time I’m here, all I can think about is what it would be like if you and Rae lived here. I picture her coloring books splayed on the dining room table. I imagine sharing a closet with you and Rae having a room full of toys and crayons. I want you in my life.”
“Jason, living with a child is not as easy as it seems.” I’m trying to wrap my mind around what he’s saying.
“I know, but I want that. I want to be a family. We can build a small, one-bedroom in the back for your dad if you want. That way he can be close to us.”
I wipe a tear and shake my head. “You’re insane.”
“If this is something you want, we can talk to Rae and your dad together. I know we still need to finish the legal matters with the custody. All of that will be squared away soon. I want you here, in my bed and in my life, sharing a home together.” He grabs my face and kisses me. His eyes are serious when he looks at me again.
I can’t imagine not moving forward with him, but I don’t know if it’s too soon. I don’t know if I can leave my dad, and he may want to stay in his house.
“Let me talk to my dad first.”
“Is that a yes?” Jason smiles.
“A maybe. I want to see where he stands in all of this. I just returned and don’t want to abandon him right after my mom died.”
“I understand.”
“It’s not a no. Jason, I see that same life with you. I wasn’t expecting it to be so quick, that’s all,” I reassure him.
“I’ll accept that for now.”
He kisses me and doesn’t let up, kissing all over my body until it’s time for me to go back home.