Cas
The stars are bright tonight, the moon is full, and I can hear nothing but the soft wind whipping the leaves around on the trees as I sit on the porch.
It’s peaceful out here, nice and quiet so I can think. I couldn’t sleep so I came out before I woke Alannah. This is meant to be my time to enjoy my family and share good times at the club with my brothers, instead, my chest is tight and I’m anxious. I light another cigarette and crush the empty pack, dumping it on the porch.
I’ve felt rage and anger in various forms over the years, but these feelings of emptiness and confusion is something I know I felt as a child and her showing up now, they are all flooding back.
Every time I tried closing my eyes to finally get some fucking sleep, all I could see is her face. I’ve tried to imagine what she looked like all my life, however, my imagination didn’t come close to reality. I don’t know what’s worse, the not knowing her or now knowing what she looks like.
I finish my cigarette, flick the butt across the lawn and head inside. Locking up behind me, I stop at the bottom of the stairs and debate whether to go to bed. I’m tired but I know I won’t fall asleep, not with my mind plagued with the mother I never had. I don’t want to disturb Alannah, so I decide to plot up in the living room. I fall onto the couch and sigh. Why did she have to show up? I put her out of my head a long time ago and I came to terms with not being loved by a mother, or a father, or never having the chance to spend the summer with grandparents like the other kids did. I found my own family and it took me seventeen years to find them and another number of years to fall in love with the woman of my dreams.
The family photo albums catch my eye and my baby photo burns a hole in my back pocket. Alannah has said many times that Leo had my looks when he was born, but I couldn’t see it. He has my eyes, but I could never see anymore. There’s a photo of him when he was a few hours old, I can compare them. Heaving myself off the couch, I scan the albums until I find the one I’m looking for and pull it off the shelf.
Making my way back to the couch, I choose to sit on the floor and lean against it.
I flip through the pages until I find the photo I need and peel back the film, releasing the picture. Letting the album fall on my legs, I dig out my photo and hold the two side by side.
The contrast is staggering, Leo was born in a clean, clinical environment and I was born in dirt.
My photo is old, but I can still make out my features and compare them with Leo. We both have olive toned skin and a mop of black hair, and we’re both wrapped in a blue blanket, that’s it. That’s where the comparisons end.
I shove my photo back in my pocket and put Leo’s back in the album. Getting up, I pull a handful of albums off the shelf and make myself comfortable back on the floor.
I flip through album after album and smile when I realise just how many photos Alannah has taken over the years. Leo’s entire life has been captured on camera and every one of them is precious to me.
My son will be able to look back in years to come and see that he was loved by so many people. His family. He’s pictured with me and Alannah, his aunts and the brothers and their kids. Every photo Alannah is in, she is either cuddling him or smiling adoringly at him. Her motherly love is pure and unquestionable.
The main light flicks on and the brightness burns my eyes. Alannah stands in the doorway.
“It’s three in the morning, babe. What are you doing down here?”
“I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“So, you decided to go down memory lane?” she says, coming to sit beside me.
She’s warm against me and I lose the chill in my bones. She opens one of the albums and stops at a photo of the three of us in the hospital the night Leo was born.
“This one is my favourite,” she murmurs.
“Why?”
There are hundreds of photos to choose from.
“It was the night I finally gave you everything, you held Leo in your arms and I saw something change in you for the better.”
She hands over the photo and I don’t disagree with her. The first time I held my son, I knew he would change me and he did.
“What’s going on, Cas? You only lose sleep when you have something on your mind.”
My wife knows me too well and I love her so much more because she does. In my mind, it proves she really loves me. You don’t waste your time noticing the small things when you don’t care.
“When I was eight or nine years old, I got sent to the principal’s office because I started a fight for no reason. I had a history of anger issues and the school was used to me, but I wasn’t angry that day. I was sad. It was picture day and my foster mother hadn’t done my hair or dressed me in a clean shirt. There wasn’t any point having my picture done because there wasn’t anyone who was going to want it. My foster mother was called in and by the time I returned to class, everyone had their picture done and it was over for another year.”
Alannah rests her head on my shoulder and closes the album on my lap.
“You’re not that little boy anymore, you control every aspect of your life now. Nobody has the power to make you feel like that ever again.”
“You do,” I whisper.
She has the power to undo me and destroy me and I’ve known that for years.
“It’s a power I don’t like to hold, but it’s the same power you have over me.”
Pressing my lips to her head, I inhale the scent of her coconut shampoo and she brings me a calmness I will always crave.
“Let’s go to bed,” I say, and collect all the albums up and put them back on the shelves.
I follow her up the stairs and pull back the sheets. She climbs onto her side of the bed and I cuddle up behind her.
“You’re hiding something from me, you don’t have to tell me now, but you will soon and I’m here to listen when you’re ready,” she says.
I don’t know why I haven’t told her, yet I do. I know once I’ve told her, she will jump on my back about seeking the answers I’ve always wanted.
She’s big on family and I’m not ready to face it. For now, I hold my wife and bask in her warmth that’s real and is mine.
Sparky
“Eat your breakfast, son.”
He’s more interested in playing with his cereal than eating it. I finish my bacon and eggs and watch my son eat.
“What are your plans today?” Bon asks, taking my plate over to the sink and pouring me another coffee.
“I’m not sure.”
Although, I’ll be keeping a close eye on Cas after yesterday for sure. I haven’t got a clue how he’s going to take his mother appearing after forever being a let-down and he hasn’t been answering my calls.
Speaking of calls, my phone rings and Shellie’s name flashes up on my screen. Another person who hasn’t been picking up my calls. I answer and drain my coffee.
“Can you talk?” she asks, before I can say, hello.
She sounds upset and I push out of my chair and slip out of the back door. The last time I saw her was outside the hospital the night John died. She disappeared home before I could track her down again and I didn’t have the time to ride out and see her. I feel bad about it, but that’s the way it was.
“Go ahead, I’m alone.”
“Robert held the police off until after the funeral but this morning, an officer called Jake showed up. I managed to get rid of him before Robert got here. He’s not happy and he wants to bring your club down, he said he’ll be back.”
This was expected but it isn’t needed today. It’s the last thing I need. Her tone is the only unexpected thing I’m hearing so far. She sounds worried for us.
“You should want the same…after John,” I say.
“After John,” she snorts, “I don’t have it in me to fight a lost cause. I just want to mourn my son without any more blood and death on my hands. I’m not stupid, if my Robert becomes a problem for the club, you’ll…” I hear her sigh as she pauses, and then the line goes dead. I need to talk to Cas and as he isn’t answering my calls, I’ll have to go to him. We need to sort out Jake and the sooner, the better.
“Call Alannah and find out where Cas is, then text me. I’ve got to go, I’ll call you later,” I tell Bonnie, slipping back into the kitchen.
I quickly plant a kiss on her beautiful fucking lips and grab my keys. There’s no way I’m letting the club fall now, not after everything we’ve done to keep it going lately.
Until Bonnie gets a hold of Alannah and tells me where my president is, I decide to ride to the club first. If he’s not there, I’ll ride out to his place.
As I ride through town, I’m about to push the speed to the limit when I see Jacqueline unlocking the door to a room at the motel.
Cas made it clear she wasn’t welcome and I sure as shit made it very fucking clear she should leave too.
I slow down and ride into the parking lot and park up beside her car. Looking around, no one is about, and I bang on the door she went through.
I’m waiting too long for her to answer and it pisses me off.
“Open up,” I yell, clear and loud enough for her to hear.
She does as she’s told, and the door opens. She gives me the once over and I barge my way in before she can shut the door in my face.
“I made it very clear you should leave town, Cas made it even clearer he doesn’t want you around,” I bark at her roughly.
“He’s angry with me,” she stutters.
“Yeah, no shit he is and rightly so. He has all he needs now, and he doesn’t want you here. If he changes his mind, he’ll come find you. Leave town.”
I can’t stand to look at her, I’ve said what I needed to say, and I turn for the door.
My hand grips onto the door knob and I can’t will myself to open it.
“Cas spent his life believing he missed out not having a mom, but you’re the one who missed out. If he ever lets you into his life, it will never change the fact you’ve lost the most precious years of his life.”
Now I can open the door, the sun hits me and Bonnie texts me, Cas is on his way to the clubhouse.
“I thought about him every single day,” she calls out.
“I’m sure your thoughts were enough for you, but they did fuck all for him.”
I walk out and slam the door behind me. She thought about him? Fucking pathetic.