Cas
When I wake it’s dark and everything is quiet when I go down to the bar. The clock on the wall says it’s one in the morning and Alannah is the first thing I think of. She’ll be at home even more pissed with me and I’m giving her the reason to let it brew. I have to go home.
I let the wind wake me up as I ride fast from the club all the way home. Riding hard enables me to clear my head and think of nothing but the road.
I’m surprised to see most of the lights still on downstairs and when I get closer, I see Alannah sitting on the porch swing.
I have to fix us. We don’t argue or fight over stupid things. We’re strong and I love that about us. I depend on our strength, I crave it, need it, fucking breathe it.
“I’m so sorry, babe.” Are the first words out of my mouth as I walk up the steps to my house.
“I don’t need an apology, I need my husband,” she says, getting up and coming over to me.
She slides her arms around my waist and I know we’ll always bounce back together.
“I’m here,” I promise her, “I’m always here for you.”
“I’m glad to hear it, come inside and don’t kick off.”
She pulls away but I’m hesitant to let her go. Why would I kick off?
“Come on,” she urges.
She takes my hand and leads me inside, my gut is telling me whatever is inside isn’t good, but my head is telling me my wife wouldn’t put me in a position I won’t appreciate, especially in my own home.
What the fuck? I should’ve stay at the club. Rising to her feet, Jacqueline stands in my house. I grab Alannah’s arm and usher her into the kitchen.
“Tell me why she’s in my fuckin’ house?”
“This is our house and you need to talk to her, she’s made it very clear she isn’t leaving until you have. So, get it over and done with, otherwise, you never will.”
She’s trying to help, I remind myself of that fact and stare at her.
“Do it for you, babe. Take what you need from her and then you can move on.”
I’ve always had questions, it’s natural to want to know the basics of your arrival into the world.
She kisses me, much too brief, and heads upstairs leaving me alone. I’m the president of the Lost Souls and I’m nervous to walk into my own living room and speak to a woman.
Inhaling deeply, I walk in and face her and make sure not to get too close. It’s painfully awkward and the room is thick with tension. I busy myself pouring a drink and neck it in one gulp, before pouring another and pouring one for her. I have a feeling we’re going to be having more than one drink. Handing it over, we sit, her on the couch, and I choose to sit as far from her as I can.
“You have a lovely home, and your wife is exceptionally beautiful.”
Am I to thank her for her compliments? It’s not like she gave a helping hand with them.
“It looks like you’ve done well for yourself.”
Still, I can’t speak. Everything I have is down to me. I grafted every penny and created my own world for my family.
“Please, say something,” she pleads.
“I’m not the one who has a shit ton of explaining to do. I already know I have a nice home and a beautiful wife. I have very little patience for you, so start talking.”
I swill my drink before downing it, hoping it will calm my inner inferno.
“I was twelve when I first ran away from home, and I was fifteen the last time I ran and never went back. I slept rough and sometimes in shelters if they had a bed that night. That’s where I met your father. He made me feel safe during a time I needed it the most. He was a charmer, and everybody loved him. You actually look a lot like him. I loved him so much and he was my knight in shining armour.”
She takes a small sip from her glass and I keep quiet. I want to ask her why she ran from home, but I stay quiet and she carries on.
“After four months, I found out I was pregnant with you and in my head, I thought we were going to find a house, he would get a job and we’d be a family. Only, when I told him he started yelling at me, saying it was my fault for not being careful. He had never spoken to me so violently before and he scared me. He told me if I didn’t get rid of you, he would take care of you. He shattered my dreams and walked out, leaving me with a black eye.”
She isn’t the tallest of women, nor the strongest looking, she looks like a strong gust of wind could blow her over, this time, I do feel something about him hurting her.
“Don’t stop.”
I’m afraid if she stops for too long, I won’t want to hear anymore.
“I couldn’t do it, you were nothing but a pip inside me, but I could feel you. You made me feel warm, it was then I knew what real love was and I couldn’t bring you harm. I lied and told him I had taken care of you and when I began showing, I wore baggy clothes and wouldn’t let him near me. He’d get mad and go elsewhere, I lived through it all and kept you safe in my stomach.”
“How old was he when you fell pregnant?” Is the first question I ask.
“He was nineteen.”
I get up and retrieve the bottle of whiskey and pour another drink. I don’t bother asking if she wants another, I fill her glass for her and sit back down keeping the bottle at my side.
“It was 3pm when my waters broke and as I had kept you a secret from him, I couldn’t let him find out at the last hurdle, so I went down to the basement in a house we were staying at and prepared for your arrival. I read all the books at the library on giving birth and made sure I had everything I would need. I spent thirteen hours alone and petrified until you came along, a perfect baby boy. I allowed myself half an hour with you before I wrapped you up in the softest blue blanket I stole from the store and laid my cross across you and took a photo that I could keep. One token I could keep with me…”
“Get to the part where you dumped me like trash,” I growl.
I can’t stand to hear how she showed me tenderness. It’s not fair. I wasn’t old enough to remember that shit. I don’t need it running through my head now.
“I was tired, and I felt weak, but the determination to get you away overrode every muscle crying out for rest. I held you in my arms and I crept up into the hall, you started to whimper so I hurried out the door and out onto the street. It was cold, so I kept you close as I walked to the hospital. My plan was to leave you inside where you would be found quickly but there had been a major accident and there were too many people around. I couldn’t risk being seen. I saw the church down the street and it still had its lights on. There was a side door and I knocked until I heard the keys turning in the lock. I quickly kissed you and laid you on the floor and then ran behind the trees. I made sure they took you in before I walked away. My heart has always been with you…”
“Don’t give me that shit, your heart was never with me.”
“Oh, it was, each day that passed was a day closer I got to see you again.”
“It took thirty-five years,” I sneer, “Thirty-five fuckin’ years to want to be a mom…”
“I’ve always been your mom, I just wasn’t with you.”
This makes me laugh. Is she for fucking real?
“We have different definitions of what makes a mother. My wife is a mom, she’s here every day, she tucks my son in every night, she’s here every minute of every fuckin’ day. That’s what a mom is.”
I’m losing my temper. Fuck her for having this power over me.
“A mother protects her child, that’s how I’m your mom, I protected you.”
I stand, unable to sit any longer.
“I watched Alannah when our son was born, nothing could come between them, not threats, not even me. Her love was so strong for him I could feel it. I feel it every time I’m in the same room as them.”
I light a cigarette and take a much-needed drag. Lana will give me grief for smoking in the house, but I couldn’t care less right now.
“What was so bad you protected me by discarding me away. I was a baby, vulnerable and completely dependent on you,” I roar, “My so-called father threatened you once and you hide me. You’re pathetic and weak or you’re feeding me a load of fuckin’ lies.”
“I’m not lying, it’s the first time I’m able to speak the truth. Maybe I’m not explaining myself correctly.”
“You’ve done enough explaining for one night, you need to go now.”
I can’t hear anymore tonight. I’m too tired to process it all. She rises to her feet and comes to me. She barely makes it up to my chin, I look down at her and her pain is as clear as mine, but I like that she’s hurting. It makes me feel slightly better.
“One time, he threw me down the stairs because he cut himself shaving. It wasn’t my fault, yet I was the one he took it out on. Another time, I hadn’t got his lunch ready fast enough and he ended up breaking my jaw. I couldn’t speak for weeks, which he took great delight in telling me he enjoyed. There were countless times he would hurt me and each time I came around or woke up in the hospital, I was grateful you weren’t there to take my place.”
I look hard into her eyes and I hope she gets the hint. I couldn’t care about her hardships.
“If you want to exchange hard times with each other, we’ll have to arrange a pity party another time, I’m done for tonight.”
“Castiel, please. I’m trying to make you understand how it was…”
“You’re giving me excuses, by all accounts you ran away once, you could’ve run away again and kept me.”
“How was I supposed to support you? Keep you fed and warm, I was fifteen years old.”
“Do you know where I was at fifteen?”
She wouldn’t know, and she shakes her head.
“I was a runaway, it was easier to steal food than it was to be fed at the foster home. I survived and so could have you.”
“Have you ever made a decision where you honestly thought you were making the right one, no matter how hard it was, it didn’t matter because it was for the best?” she asks, stepping even closer to me, “I wasn’t to know you wouldn’t be adopted, I’ve spent years being jealous over a family you’ve never had and a family I thought you loved, believing they were your real parents. I can never apologise enough for being so wrong.”
I’ve blamed this women for everything for so long, I don’t know if I want to move forward with her. She sure as shit doesn’t deserve it and I can’t listen to anymore.
“If you don’t leave, I will make you leave, and you don’t want that. I said I’m done for tonight, and I am so fuckin’ done.”
She doesn’t argue with me and grabs her purse. I turn my back on her as she leaves, and I release a long breath when I hear the door open and close.
I fall back into the chair when I’m alone. I try to imagine her giving birth all alone in a cold and dirty basement and being a child herself.
I shut my heart off for a mother a long time ago when I realised I was never going to have one, now it’s tightening, and it feels like I can’t breathe.
Lashing out, I throw my glass at the wall and it smashes into tiny pieces. It’s not enough, I leap off the chair, and flip the table over, the contents fall to the floor.
Anything that moves, I throw around. The couch, everything on the shelves, and lastly, the tv.
How fucking dare she show up in my life and admit she got rid of me because my pussy ass father threatened her once. It’s the most pathetic excuse I could’ve heard.
I drain the last of the whiskey and that too is thrown across the room. Falling to my knees, I look up and see Alannah is sitting on the stairs silently watching my breakdown and that angers me most of all.
“I don’t need you looking at me like that,” I grunt.
“Why don’t you smash the place up even more then, we have a shit ton of breakables in the kitchen you can smash.”
Rising to my feet, I close the door on her pity and search out another bottle of whiskey from the cabinet.