Cas
Alannah thought a family BBQ was needed this weekend, and I didn’t. I wanted to do fuck all and enjoy the peace that is continuing these days, so, we’re having a fucking BBQ, and it’s at my place.
I put my foot down at flipping steaks and burgers, so the prospects are handling the grilling on my behalf. There is no way I’m grilling for over thirty people.
Alannah is in her element playing the perfect hostess, she’s been looking forward to having everyone around for a long time. In her mind, when we’re together in happier times, nothing bad can happen and life is good.
Grabbing a beer from the ice bucket, I head around to the front of the house and take a seat on the porch steps.
I’ve barely had two minutes to myself before a red shit-heap of a car, comes up the drive, and parks up behind Sparky’s truck.
I really can’t be fucking bothered with this woman today. We had a deal, and already, six months into it, she’s breaking her word. I shouldn’t have believed her in the first place.
I came to my own understanding regarding Jacqueline. She comes around when I’m out of town on a run, I don’t particularly like it but still, she’s a link for Leo. Alannah and I don’t exactly have any blood family left.
My mouth still goes dry, and my hands clam up at the sight of her. She looks a lot stronger and sure of herself than the last time I saw her.
She has no business being here today, but I can guess who invited her. The same person who invited every other fucker today.
I don’t move to get up and greet her and drain my bottle of beer. She hasn’t told me, but I know she’s renting a place out near Slade’s old house. I also know Alannah got Slade to help her find it. A nice little two bed, with a yard that’s big enough for my son, her grandson, to play in. I know this because Slade is loyal to me and came to me the moment he got a call from my old lady.
He told me, expecting me to kick off, but I didn’t. I couldn’t find any part of me that hated the idea bad enough to put a stop to it.
It’s taken six months of her living in my town for me to like the closeness, I know where she is at all times.
“Lana invited me, she promised me she would tell you I was coming. Please, tell me she told you.”
I can’t bring myself to throw shade at her, and fuck it, I don’t want to.
“She didn’t, but it’s okay. Everyone’s around the back, you should go join them,” I tell her.
Most days, I don’t give her a second thought, but when I do think about her, I don’t have the same level of anger for her I once did. It just hurts now. I’ve let the pain override the anger and I suck it up every single day. Today, I don’t feel like pushing her away.
“I could’ve looked after you, I would’ve broken every one of his fingers for laying his hands on you, in the end I would’ve killed him.”
She stops short and nearly drops the dish in her hands.
“You would’ve been a child, Castiel…”
“Call me Cas,” I tell her. I can’t hear my full name anymore, “And, I would have grown up into a man. You think he was bad, I was worse, and I promise you, I did much worse by the age of seventeen.”
She doesn’t reply and waits for me to carry on.
“If you hadn’t given me away, I could’ve been your biggest protector, and I would’ve done anything to keep you safe.”
“I…”
“Let me say what I’ve got to say, it will probably be the only time I ever say it, so if you want to hear it, keep your mouth shut.”
She nods, and my heart is racing. It’s almost making me dizzy.
“I came to terms with never seeing you, never knowing what you looked like, or sounded like. I came to terms with not having a mom who baked me fuckin’ cakes or read me bedtime stories. Above all that, I came to terms with hating you for never loving me. I was good at hating you, I knew where I stood. If you want to know about me, you should know, I didn’t have anyone who wanted me as a child, I didn’t really have any friends, I stole, I lied, I cheated and then I became a Lost Soul. With this patch, I have everything. I am everything I ever wanted in my life and I go as far as I need too to keep it.”
She puts down the dish.
“I can’t change the past, but I really would like to try and make up for the time I’ve missed with you. I can’t read you bedtime stories, and I’m not the greatest at baking, but I can put my hand on my heart and promise I’m not going anywhere from now on. I want you to know me, and I need to know you. I want to know my son.”
“Know me? I don’t think you do want that, because I haven’t just thrown a few punches and lied a few times. I’ve killed, and tortured. My hands are stained with blood, it doesn’t matter how many times I wash them, the blood is always there.”
“It doesn’t matter, you’re a father and a husband, and from what I’ve seen, that man is someone to be proud of. That’s the man I want to know.”
Proud?
I don’t need her pride.
I bite down on my tongue and remember I’m trying to make amends.
“I won’t ever forgive you or forget, but I won’t throw it in your face anymore. You’re welcome to come around anytime, whether I’m in town or not.”
She throws her arms around me and I freeze.
What the fuck.
I don’t hold her back.
I hold my arms out and let the awkwardness hang around us.
She doesn’t care.
She hugs me, and I feel her chest struggling to steady itself.
“I’m not doing the hugging thing either,” I grunt.
“I don’t care,” she says, letting me go and stepping back.
She quickly wipes the tears away and picks up her dish of what looks like potato salad.
She disappears around the side of the house and I sit back down on the porch steps.
I can barely light a cigarette before girly giggling and a deep growl interrupts my smoke.
Dex has his old lady thrown over his shoulder and is heading for his bike. They think they’re alone and when he walks by his bike, I bite down on my smirk when he throws her down on the back of Sparky’s truck. He’s brave to be fucking on Spark’s truck but hey, he’s happy and Sparky doesn’t have to hear about it from me.
Dex is home where he belongs and nowadays, he’s the happiest I’ve ever known him.
I wasn’t too sure about Libby at first, but she’s put the shit with the northern chapter in the past and she’s good for my brother.
They quieten when another car makes it way up my drive and this time, I stand and smile broadly.
Slade comes to a stop close to the house and climbs out with the biggest grin on his face.
Shortly after Dex reunited with Libby at the diner yesterday, Kristen went into labour and it looks like they’ve been released from hospital already.
“Congratulations, brother,” I holler, walking over to him helping Kristen out the car.
She’s looking good for having given birth in the last twenty-four hours.
“You should be at home, darlin’,” I tell her, as Slade unbuckles the baby seat.
“We wanted to stop by and pick Zach up, plus it made sense while everyone’s here for the BBQ,” she says, and I put my arm around her.
The bundle in the baby seat is tiny, it reminds me of when we brought Leo home from the hospital.
“Everyone’s around the back, and Dex is doing his old lady in Sparky’s truck,” I say, raising my voice so Dex can hear.
He lifts his head and doesn’t look bothered I knew they were there.
“Congrats, brother,” he calls over, “We’ll come and see you soon.”
Slade laughs him off while Kristen doesn’t look amused.
“Come on, Lana will kill me if she doesn’t meet the little one soon.”
“How was Zach last night?” Kris asks, as I sling my arm around her and walk them around to the yard.
“He was fine.”
I whistle for everyone’s attention and then it goes crazy when they see there’s a new baby.
Kissing Kristen on the top of her head, I say, “You done well, congrats,” wink and leave her to the old ladies wanting cuddles.
I expect Slade to follow me over to the table where most of the brothers are sat, but he stays with the kid.
My Leo is sat next to Pope and Pope is showing him his different patches.
“I’ll be able to show my grandkid these in the near future,” he beams.
“Kyla’s pregnant?” Sparky confirms.
“Yep, they just found out she’s having twins. We should find out the sexes next week.”
“Twins? In your bloodline,” I whistle, and Pope grins.
“They better be boys,” he says, and Leo climbs down from his chair.
“Go over to your mom, Leo,” I tell him, pointing to the crowd fawning over the baby.
Ricky passes around the beers and takes a seat next to his father-in-law.
“Congrats, we just heard about the twins.”
A grin spreads over his face and he holds his hands out, “What can I say, I have powerful swimmers,” he laughs.
I shake my head and wonder how Pope hasn’t slapped him yet. Dex and Libby reappear, and he walks over while she goes to get them a drink.
“Where did you disappear too?” Sparky asks, draining his beer.
“Yeah, brother, where did you get to?” I smirk.
“Oh, there was something on your truck Sparks, must’ve been a raccoon or something,” he stutters.
“A raccoon?” Sparks snorts.
“I thought I saw a snake,” Slade puts in, joining us.
“Oh yeah, I could’ve swore the snake ended up getting trapped.”
“What the fuck are you lot talking about?” Sparks grunts, and we burst out laughing.
“It was definitely a racoon,” Dex growls and then Sparks jumps to his feet.
“Are you saying he was fucking in my truck?”
“Not, in,” I smile my ass off.
“You’re dead,” he hollers, leaning over the table for him.
“You must remember what it’s like when the need takes you, old man,” Dex throws back at him, jumping out of his chair and well away from his reach.
“Old? Who the fuck is the prick talking to? I’m not even old enough to be your dad.”
“I didn’t know he was your dad,” Libby says to Dex, catching the end of the conversation, handing Dex his beer.
Everyone around the table loses it and Sparky sits back down.
“Well, as his daddy, I’ll tell you, no more fucking in my truck.”
You’d think she’d be embarrassed, instead she says, “It wasn’t in your truck, it was on the back.”
As if that makes a difference.
“Fuckin’ kids,” he mutters, and reaches for another beer.
“Hey,” I say, leaning across to him, “Can you imagine when our boys are that age?”
Grinning, he looks over to JJ currently kicking the crap out of a bucket in the sandpit. I look around for Leo and Alannah has him sitting for photos with the baby.
Jacqueline sits close by at a table talking with Sally. She looks happy here, maybe one day I’ll be truly happy to have her here.
Leo manages to escape from the baby brigade and runs over to me. He climbs onto my lap, laughing when Lana calls for him.
“Help, dad,” he laughs.
I open my cut and use it as a shield, he thinks it’s the funniest thing ever.
JJ is soon climbing on Sparky’s lap and Zachery sits on the chair next to Slade, keeping watch of what his mom is doing across the yard. He’s such a serious kid.
I thought Slade would’ve loosened him up by now, but nope.
“Hey, boys,” I say, getting their attention, “Who are we?”
“Lost Souls,” Leo and JJ immediately shout.
Zachery casually looks over, but he keeps his mouth shut.
“Who are we?” I repeat, sitting Leo and I forward.
“Lost Souls,” they yell again, joined by the guys.
Everyone starts to bang their hands on the table.
“Who are we?”
“Lost Souls till we die.”
Even our boys know.
Lost Souls yesterday.
Lost Souls today.
Lost Souls every fucking day.
Who knows what the future holds, but the outcome will always be, we all live happily ever fucking after.