Dex
Did I love Melissa?
If I have to question it, I couldn’t have loved her.
Fuck.
I did love her.
Why am I tormented by her if I didn’t love her?
I haven’t got a fucking clue what to think anymore. The only thing I know for sure is I’ve ruined my life here, and I killed her. Those things are crystal clear to me.
Looking at the door, I don’t bother asking to be let out again. Whoever Cas has sitting on the other side aren’t listening to me.
I have nowhere else in the world I can go, and I don’t belong here anymore, not after what I did last night.
The brothers won’t trust me to have their backs now, not when I don’t care what happens to my own.
The sun comes through the window and something gleams catching my eye, poking out from under the bed.
Crawling across the room from where I was sitting by the wall, I find Cas’s gun. There are two bullets left in the chamber.
He was right, if I was going to shoot myself, I shouldn’t do it in front of the brothers, they shouldn’t have to live with those memories.
On my own, like I deserve, is the right way.
“I’m too lost to even be a Lost Soul,” I mutter to myself and put the gun to my temple.
My hands don’t shake, there isn’t one spec of sweat on my forehead, I’m finally the calmest I’ve been in a long while.
Squeezing the trigger, nothing happens.
Releasing, and squeezing again, nothing happens.
It isn’t a rush.
Two down, four to go.
Moving the gun from my temple, to under my chin, I squeeze the trigger a third time.
Click.
Nothing.
Swallowing, I slide the gun into my mouth and know I have a one in three chance of living to try again.
I’m so entranced in the moment, I don’t hear the key in the lock and as I pull the trigger a fourth time, Cas flies across the room.
In flashes, he’s not angry like he was last night, he’s terrified, and then he’s punching me.
Blood spurts from my nose and my eyes well with water. Busted nose for sure.
“That was for being fuckin’ stupid,” he grunts and then collects me in his arms.
“I’m sorry I’ve let you down, you needed me, and I wasn’t here for you. I’m here now so if you try that shit again, I’ll be here to stop each and every time.”
“I can’t think straight…”
“Yeah, I get that, brother.”
He releases me and grabs an old tee from the corner of the room. He tries cleaning the blood from my face and I laugh.
“I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
He stops dabbing at my face and stares at me.
“Nah, you’ll be surprised how many men have tried to do themselves in over the years. Just because no one talks about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Don’t try that shit again, I’m back to myself, come to me and talk it out.”
“She’s everywhere here, it doesn’t matter if my eyes are open or closed.”
He lifts my hand so I’m holding the tee against my nose myself, and rocks back on his heels.
“If you want, you can go nomad. You’ll still be a brother, but you’ll be free to go where ever you want. You’ll still answer to me and if I need you to do something I expect you to do it, but I can’t imagine that will be a regular thing. It will give the time and space from here you need.”
It sounds perfect.
“When can I leave?”
“As soon as I’ve run it past the club. I’ve been making too many decisions without them lately and that stops today.”
“Will I ever have to come back?”
“Not if you don’t want to, but I’m hoping you’ll return home one day. Get yourself cleaned up and meet me down in the back room. Oh, and I’ll be taking this,” he says, picking up his gun.
He makes it to the door before he says, “I really am sorry I haven’t been here, I promised you I would be after you…did what you did. Promise me you won’t try this again.”
“I won’t.”
As long as I don’t have to be here, I add silently.
He nods once and leaves the room, closing the door after him. Pulling the bloody tee away from my face, I burst out laughing.
How the fuck does life change so quickly. If those bullets had been in a different position in the chamber I would be dead now.
Climbing to my feet, I pick the mirror up from the bathroom and inspect the damage.
Cas has one powerful punch on him. He’s proper broken my fucking nose. Throwing the bloodied tee on the floor, I rinse out a towel and clean my face, careful not to add more pain.
A couple of months ago, I was prepared to live the rest of my life in this town, and now I can’t wait to leave it.
Dashing the towel on the floor next to the tee, I escape the small room and jog down the stairs. I’m the last brother to walk in the back room. Taking my usual seat, I can feel my brother’s eyes piercing through me as they settle around the table.
Humiliation knocks into me and I daren’t bring myself to look at any of them. I made an absolute fool of myself yesterday and I pray Cas doesn’t tell them what I tried to do up in my room this morning.
He slams the gavel down on the wooden table top and the room falls into silence. Sparky, Slade Rick, Pope, all the others, they have become my family and they all look to Cas, waiting to see what’s going on now.
“I haven’t been myself the last couple of weeks, and shit has happened that shouldn’t have. I promised you all when I took the gavel I wouldn’t make decisions without you, and this club would be different from the days of Michael. That changes now, from today, the shit in my head stays at the door and we vote on who we take work from.”
The tension simmering around the brothers cools and Sparky leans forward on the table.
“Has something happened?” he asks Cas.
I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t mention the incident up in my room.
“The meet with Lopez was a farce. He wants us to carry on as normal, like we are still working with Denzel, only for ten per cent of the cut, not twenty-five.”
“That’s a bullshit offer,” Pope grunts.
“It’s embarrassing to us,” Ricky adds.
I didn’t realise Cas had this on his plate. When we left the meet, he or Sparky didn’t mention anything. I assumed it went well.
“So, I don’t think we’ll need it, but let’s vote. Who is in favour of working with Lopez?”
No one murmurs or raises their hand.
I’ve never had an abundance of cash to myself before, but even I know that’s not beneficial to the club. By the time the money is divided between the brothers, it wouldn’t cover the gas.
“Then it’s settled, we’ll look elsewhere for a supplier,” he says, and then looks at me.
He swallows heavily, and his thumb rubs against the gavel handle roughly. I know what’s coming next.
“Next up is something I blame myself for. We all know what happened the night Melissa died and we’ve all seen how Dex has been dealing with it. After yesterday’s events, Dex and I have had a long chat this morning, and we’ve agreed the best thing for him is to go nomad for a while, until he’s thinking right and acting right again. Melissa is chasing him all around here and I think putting some distance between him and her is best.”
“I agree.”
I turn my head to look at Pope. He was there that night, he watched her burn with me.
“Does anyone disagree?” Cas asks.
Heads shake and I’m relieved.
“We’re going to miss ya,” Sparky smiles weakly.
“We’re sorry we couldn’t help you, brother,” Slade murmurs, beside me and I feel guilty.
Shaking my head, “It’s not about that, please, this is on me. I have to help myself.”
“When are you leaving?” Ricky asks next.
“Today, I think it’s better if it’s sooner rather than later.”
Leaning back in my chair, a calmness begins to wash over me, and I know I’ve made the right decision.