12. Eight Months Ago
GAVIN
I could hear Penny’s ankles cracking and the jingling of a dog collar before I saw her and Buckley coming around the corner.
Sitting on my dad’s porch in the midday sun, I tried to pull myself together.
“Hey,” she said from the sidewalk.
“How was the concert?”
She was squinting against the sun as she walked toward me. “It was great. Thanks again for the tickets and for watching Milo. Do you want me to give you some money?”
“No, I don’t want your money.”
Her expression fell. “What’s wrong?” She sat down on the porch next to me.
“He’s getting worse really fast. He can’t even eat.” My eyes started welling up.
“Gavin, I’m so sorry.” She hugged me around my shoulders. “I want to go in and see him. Will you hold on to Buckley?”
“Sure.”
“Sit,” she told him before handing me the leash.
He was staring right at me. Once Penny was inside, I said to Buckley, “You were supposed to be our dog. Our dog.” He blinked. I let all the possibilities of what could have been rush through me. It made me sick. I had to push them away before she came back outside. “Your dad wanted to name you Sport. Aren’t you relieved your mom has more sense than that?” I scratched him around the ears. “You’re a pretty handsome dog, you know that? You get a lot a looks at the dog park? Those bitches be like—”
“Gavin,” Penny interrupted from behind. “Please tell me you don’t talk to Milo that way?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
She sat down next to me again.
“Your dad doesn’t look bad, but he was sleeping so it was hard to tell.”
I shook my head. “He’s bad, believe me.”
“I’m glad Milo got to hang out with him. He said they had a good time playing chess together.” When she smiled, I noticed she had more frown lines than ever. I hadn’t even asked about her life in the month since I’d been back. I was so swept up in my own drama.
“Yeah, I’m glad too.” I stared off blankly.
“The nurse seems nice.”
“Ha. Nurse Ratched? She has a curfew policy. Lights out at nine p.m.—for all of us, like I’m in prison. I’m about to fly over this fucking cuckoo’s nest.”
“Let’s go get lunch. I have a couple hours before I have to get Milo.”
“Okay.” I got up. “You driving?”
“Yeah, I’ll drive, then we can go straight to Milo’s school.”
I actually loved the kid, but I hated feeling like his stepdad. I didn’t mind looking after him from time to time, but this weird pseudo-side-family Penny had created made me uncomfortable. I liked hanging out with Milo but not when she and I were alone together. It felt odd but I agreed anyway, just to get out of the house and distract myself from my dad.
I followed her and Buckley down the street as she walked fast. “Are you in a hurry?” I asked.
“Well, I have to do pick-up duty so I need to get to the school a little earlier today.”
“What the hell is pick-up duty?” I felt ill already. “Like we have to take other kids home?”
She opened the front door as I followed her into the house. It was pristine inside, as always. “No, we just have to get out and direct traffic a little, maybe help kids to their cars and clear out the parking lot.”
“That is a million times worse.” I folded my arms over my chest. “I’m not going.”
“Stop whining. It’ll take half an hour with both of us.”
“Won’t it be weird, me and you there?”
Ushering Buckley into the laundry room, she turned on her heel. We were inches apart. “You’ve been to his school dozens of times, Gavin. Everyone thinks you’re his uncle.”
“Like . . . your brother?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh god. Whatever, Penny.”
Her voice softened. “You’re kinda like a brother to me.”
I grimaced. “Let’s just go. I’m starving.”
When we got out to the garage, I noticed Penny had a new car. “A white Mercedes SUV?” I shot her a disappointed look.
“It’s four-wheel drive. You’re always getting stuck in the snow. I can’t get stuck in the snow. I have a kid.”
“It’s white. And didn’t you just have a new car?”
“We lease them for two years. Just get in. I didn’t pick the color.”
“Obviously.”
I got in and slouched down in the passenger seat.
“Where should we go?” she said, pulling out of the driveway.
“Odell’s?”
“Nooo,” she whined. “I’m not in the mood for food trucks.”
“What about Horse and Dragon?”
“That sounds dreadful.”
“It’s not. It’s actually very bright and cheery there. Jesus, Penny, you’ve really lost your edge.”
We were at a stoplight. She turned and scowled at me, and then hit the gas a little too hard, forcing the car to lurch forward. “Fine, Horse and Dragon it is.”
Once inside the restaurant, we took our seats at the bar. We always did that. It felt less intimate somehow. We were always trying to avoid intimacy in public.
“What’s new with you, P?”
“Nothing. Same shit, different day. What about you?”
“Well, you know, I sit in my dad’s house and watch him die. That’s pretty much it. I’m putting together a slideshow of pictures for his funeral. I’m already doing that.”
“I know you don’t want to leave him alone, Gavin, but you need to get out more.”
The bartender came over to take our order. “What can I get you two?”
“I’m not ready yet,” Penny said, as she scanned the menu.
“Do you want to share a flight?” I asked.
“I don’t want to drink beer in the middle of the day,” she said absently.
I ordered one beer after another while Penny pushed lettuce around her plate. She wasn’t skinny to an unhealthy degree, but she was very thin and probably borderline anorexic. I wished she’d eat more.
Four beers in and I was starting to feel bold. “Why don’t you eat a hot dog or something? You’ve had four bites of lettuce.”
“Thank you for keeping track,” she said bitterly.
“Have you ever talked to the hubs about how you don’t like to eat?”
“No. Drop it, Gavin. I do like to eat. This is just the size I’m used to. Let’s talk about you,” she said. “I know a girl I can introduce you to.”
I turned and shot her a dirty look. “You pushing me on someone else now?”
“No, I mean a girl to have some fun with. Get laid or whatever. She’s French—like, for-real French. She’s traveling across the country, kind of hippie-ish. She’s a singer in a band and works in that café where they used to do the open mic nights.”
“Joe’s?”
“Yeah.”
“Ling knows her from California. When she was out here last month, she introduced us. She’s supercool. Her name is Briel. Very pretty, in a pixie-ish kind of way.”
“What, like Tinker Bell?”
She elbowed me. “No, you know what I mean. She’ll end up going back to France in a few months. Maybe you can just take her out. Have some fun.”
“Fuck her at my dying father’s house?”
“Oh my God. What is wrong with you? No. She’s in Denver a lot, too.”
Penny was getting frustrated with me. She had enough on her mind. I knew her marriage was suffering, even though she never talked about it. I could just tell. But she was the most loyal person I knew. Even to me. I sometimes called her Pennyloyalty for the Unplugged version of Nirvana’s “Pennyroyal Tea.” She loved dancing to it, and I loved watching her.
It’s hard to understand how a woman could be loyal to two men, or how that even made sense, but it’s possible. She always said, There’s room for secrets in a marriage, but not lies . . . not deception. I think she had read that in some book. She was always fighting for individuality. She didn’t want to be defined or labeled. She hated when I said she was married with children, like it was an insult. But she told me once, I’m Penny. I have dimensions.
She had to have her own life. Things he didn’t know about her. Other relationships that didn’t involve him. She was always trying to define those boundaries with him, but he was overly possessive. Penny was hard to cage, but the guy tried his damnedest to do it. And she loved him. I had to accept that, even though I never understood it. I had been accepting of that for a long time. I would take whatever she would give me as long as she was in my life.
“I don’t want to take anyone out, P. I’m not ready yet. But thanks for trying.” I pulled her to my side and kissed her cheek. She pulled away quickly.
“You have some pretty heavy-duty beer breath. I hope Uncle G doesn’t make a scene at Milo’s school.”
“Have I ever made a scene?”
“Yes, pretty much every time I’m with you.”
“Why stop now? Let’s hit it.” I clapped my hands together and stood up. She shook her head.