19. Three Months Ago
GAVIN
“Ahh!” Penny was screaming with delight as she turned the go-cart swiftly and spun out into the guardrail. When I bumped into her, Milo flew by us in his cart.
Some worker kid yelled, “No bumping!”
Penny was laughing hysterically. “I’m gonna pee my pants,” she squeaked.
“Don’t do that!” I shouted. She was as red as a tomato.
“You’re smiling, Berninger.”
“Am I?”
“I love your smile. I’m glad it’s back.” Penny pointed to Milo in his go-cart, way ahead of us. “Come on,” she said, “he’s kicking our ass. We can’t let him win.”
She took off. I followed behind her, smiling again as I listened to her scream and squeal. She flew from one side of the track to the other with total abandon. Penny was a bad driver, even in a go-cart. Milo crashed in front of us right before the finish line and got stuck. Penny flew by him, yelling, “Ha ha, sucker!” She threw her arms up and grabbed the checkered flag from the worker’s hand.
“Hey!” he yelled, but she couldn’t hear him over her own hysterical laughter.
After she took off her helmet, her hair was flying everywhere. The worker kid came and grabbed the flag out of her hand. “You’re not supposed to do that,” he said.
“I won, though. Don’t I get to keep that thing?”
“No,” he said as he walked away.
She looked at me and smirked. “Twenty bucks for five minutes—in the off-season, no less! I win and I don’t even get to keep the checkered flag.”
“Your hair looks really good right now.”
She socked me in the arm. “Come on, I have to get home and help Milo with some stupid project.”
“Okay.”
I tried to hold her hand on the way to the car, but she pulled out of my grasp.
“Not in front of Milo.”
“That stuff doesn’t even faze him.”
“Yes, it does.”
She drove home like a maniac and I had to remind her we weren’t in go-carts anymore.
Leaving me in the driveway of my dad’s house, she pulled away and then stopped and rolled down the passenger-side window.
“Good day today, huh?”
“Yep,” I said, nodding. “Thanks, you guys.”
I threw up a peace sign at her and she cruised down the street to her house.
My dad’s house was dark and deafeningly quiet. I grabbed a thicker jacket, a beer from the fridge, and my guitar and went out onto the porch. I messed around on the guitar all night, drinking to hopefully pass out later. On my fourth beer, I heard the unmistakable sound of Penny’s ankles cracking and Buckley’s leash jingling.
“Hey,” she said from the curb as Buckley took a shit on my dad’s front lawn.
“Really, Buckley? You fucker!”
“He likes this lawn,” Penny said, laughing. “He shits on it every morning.”
I huffed. “I know. I can’t believe you leave it.”
“I thought it would give you something to do.”
“You’re helping your grieving friend by making him pick up moist dog poop every day?”
“Well, does it make you mad?”
“Yeah, it does.” She came walking up to the porch and sat down next to me while Buckley stayed on the icy lawn.
“Perfect, then I have successfully redirected your anger. Now, tell me why you’re sitting out here in the cold.” It was the end of February so it was still pretty chilly.
“It’s hard to be in there sometimes.”
“I can understand that. But it will go away, trust me.”
“I’m not staying here, Penny. I’ll rent it out or sell it, but I’m not staying—it’s too hard. We’ve already talked about this. As soon as I go through all my dad’s stuff, I’m going back to Denver.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t bug you about it anymore. Let’s talk about something less loaded. How was your date with Briel?” She grinned devilishly.
“Ha! As if she didn’t tell you herself. It was two dates, actually. We got coffee the first time and then I saw her band play the other night. She’s a great singer.”
Penny was nodding. “She is. But do you like her?”
I shrugged. “It’s hard to know how I feel. I know it’s already been two months, but Dad’s death is still so fresh in my mind. I’ll say this: Briel’s nice, I enjoy her company, and she’s decent looking.”
She elbowed me in the ribs. “You’re so shallow. She’s beautiful.”
“She is beautiful. Not like you, though.”
“So you’re gonna go out with her again?”
“Yeah, I guess. I like her accent. The way she says my name, Gaveen. And her visa expires in three months.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Is that a plus because you know you won’t have to commit?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
She elbowed me again.
“No, we had fun. She came back to my apartment after the show and I played her some songs and she sang along. But they don’t mean anything.”
“The songs?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Penny,” I warned. The fact was that I had slept with Briel, but it was awkward as hell. Not passionate. It felt like she was fawning over me. She told me tall American men were like unicorns in her country. I guess it did make me feel good, but the feeling was short-lived. I’d take go-carts, celibacy, and Penny over Briel any day.
Penny and I still had a spark that couldn’t be snuffed out. All the plans I’d drawn for the life I thought we’d have together were playing out in some parallel universe. Even if I was stuck in this stupid version of us, where she was encouraging me to go out with other women, I knew there was a Penny and Gavin living as a couple out there, right along beside us.
Penny shivered, and I put my arm around her. “Wait, did you say your apartment? When did you go back to Denver? I didn’t even notice you’d left.”
“I just went for the day last Saturday. I don’t tell you everything, you know? Anyway, you’re the one who pushed her on me. Now I think she’s in love with me. I guess her mom’s coming to visit and she wants me to meet her.”
“Wow, that was fast.” She stared straight ahead. “And for the record, I didn’t push her on you. I just suggested you date her to take your mind off things.” She huffed. “I should get going before you-know-who sends a search party out for me.”
“Wait, let me play you something. Have you ever heard the song ‘Joy’ by Iron and Wine?”
“I don’t know that I have,” she said.
“Let me play it for you. I’ve been listening to it a lot, and it reminds me of you. I appreciate what you’ve done for me and I want you to know it.”
“I’m sold. Play it.”
I started strumming and singing:
Born bitter as a lemon, but you must understand
That you’ve been bringin’ me joy
“Stop!” She cut me off. She was crying. “Stop, please.”
I put down the guitar and took her in my arms. “It’s true, Penny. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know how I would have gotten through these last two months.”
She sniffled and we held each other for a long time.
“Penny!” I heard her husband yell from their lawn. “Are you out here?”
She jumped up and grabbed Buckley. “Shit, I have to go.”
She walked briskly down the street, ankles cracking, knees popping. I stood on the sidewalk and watched. I heard Penny yelling but knew I shouldn’t get involved. I loved her, after all. What was I supposed to do?