32. Thirteen Years Ago
PENNY
I went into labor a little after ten on a Monday morning, twelve days before my due date. Lance had gone to Phoenix for a quick business trip the night before. He wasn’t scheduled to be back until the next day.
The first person I called was my doctor, who told me to keep track of the contractions and to call someone immediately to come stay with me. The next two hours were a blur. The doctor told me, on average, first labors could last as long as twelve hours, which would give Lance plenty of time to get home and be present for Milo’s birth.
I frantically dialed Lance’s cell but he didn’t answer, so I calmly left a message: “Damn it, I’m in labor! You need to come back NOW.”
He called back almost immediately. “I’m in a cab, heading back to my hotel! I’ll grab my things and get on the first flight back. Hang in there, sweetie.”
I called my mother next. “Kiki and I will be there in twenty minutes!” she said. Lance and I were living in a small house about six miles from my mother’s house and twelve miles from the hospital.
Unfortunately, my doctor was completely wrong: my labor was progressing fast and my contractions were coming one on top of the other. There was no way this was going to be a twelve-hour labor.
I called Frank, who lived two miles away.
Gavin answered. “Penny?”
I was breathing hard. “How’d you know?”
“Everyone has caller ID, silly.”
“What are you doing there?”
“I came to visit. What’s wrong? Why are you breathing hard?”
“I’m in labor and Lance is trying to fly back from Phoenix right now. He won’t be back for hours. Ahhh!” I screamed. “Fuck, this hurts!”
“We’ll be there in five.”
Five words from Gavin could calm me down. But not for long. I was in the throes of labor after all, alone in our little house on Pine Nut Drive. Five minutes felt like three hours.
Gavin and Frank arrived right on time. Gavin ran around frantically, looking for my overnight bag, which Lance had conveniently put on the top shelf of our closet without telling me. Frank helped me to Gavin’s car, but I was in so much pain I could barely walk.
“I managed to catch your mom before she left the house,” Gavin said behind us. “She’s meeting us at the hospital with your sister.”
Frank got in the driver’s seat while I lay down on Gavin’s lap in the backseat. Frank quickly but cautiously drove us to the hospital as we swerved through Monday-morning traffic.
“Oh god! This hurts.”
Gavin rubbed my sweating head. “I know, baby, just breathe in and out.”
I was wearing a nightgown and slippers. Gavin had thrown a heavy jacket over my shoulders since it was snowing out. Still, I was sweating bullets.I felt a gush between my legs. Looking down, I could see amniotic fluid spilling across the leather seat and onto the floor. “Oh no.”
“It’s okay, Penny. Your water just broke.”
“Not that. The baby’s coming. I can feel it.” I put my hand between my legs and felt the baby crowning as we pulled into the emergency entrance of the hospital.
“I’ll get a wheelchair!” Frank said.
“Tell them he’s crowning. It’s happening!” I yelled.
“Oh, Jesus!” Gavin said.
They brought out a stretcher and somehow, between Gavin, a nurse, and an orderly, I managed to get up on it, but I was writhing in pain. My mother and Kiki appeared on the other side of me as I was wheeled in. “Call Lance!” I kept saying. “He’s going to miss it!”
Inside the labor and delivery room, there were nurses and doctors moving around with focused speed. Gavin and Frank must have gone to the waiting room because now it was only my mother and Kiki. My sister was rubbing my shoulders and my mom was scurrying around to find a washcloth to wipe my forehead. “I have to push!” I screamed.
“Push!” the unfamiliar male doctor said. I briefly thought I didn’t want him looking at my crotch, but modesty quickly disappeared when I realized there was a baby coming out of me.
“Mrs. Stone,” the doctor said, “take a breath in, deep and full, bear down, and push; you’ve almost got the shoulders out.”
I reached down and touched Milo’s head. It was all real and happening. I sat up with the help of my mom and sister, who were each holding one leg back. Before I could blink, I pushed my nine-pound son out of me with the last bit of energy I could muster—and I did it all without even taking a Tylenol. I was so proud of myself, but sad that Lance had missed a moment in my life that made me feel so much self-worth and pride. Sad for him that he had missed his first son’s birth.
The doctor turned Milo upside down and suctioned his mouth, and as soon as Milo starting crying, he rested the slimy, wailing, and amazing little creature on my chest. “Hello,” I squeaked. “It’s nice to meet you.”
My mother was crying, my sister was crying, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to show Gavin the little miracle I was holding.
After they cleaned Milo, my mom and sister got to hold him for a few minutes, until the nurse said I should try breastfeeding. At first it was painful, but then my mother showed me how to help him latch on properly. It was a moment I’ll never forget. There was a new love, warmth, and maternal instinct inside of me, and I could see those same things inside of her for me. Milo finally latched on and was part of me again.
“I wish Dad were here,” I whispered. “He’d be so happy.”
“Me too,” she said. Her face was blank but tears were running down her cheeks in streams.
“Will you go get Gavin and Frank?” I asked Kiki.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Of course, Keeks.”
When they all came in, Milo was still suckling at my breast. I didn’t even attempt to cover up.
Frank came toward me first, but he was apprehensive. “Get over here,” I said, waving to him. “Look at my beautiful baby.”
He kissed my forehead. “You did good, Mama.” Gavin stood behind him near the door. For some reason he didn’t come closer.
My mother called Lance, who had managed to buy the last ticket on the next flight to Denver and was getting ready to board his plane. She told him our big baby had come barreling into the world impatiently, and I could hear Lance exclaiming on the other end. I gestured for Kiki to hold the phone to my ear.
“How are you doing, Mommy?” Lance asked.
“Good. He’s beautiful, Lance.”
Lance wasn’t crying but I could tell he was emotional. “I’m so sad I missed it, sweetie.”
“Me too, but it happened so fast. How long until you’re here?”
“I’m about to board my flight, so I’m hoping to be there in three hours. Who’s there right now?”
“Just my mom, Keeks, Gavin, and Frank.”
Silenced descended.
“Lance? Are you there?” I said.
“Was Gavin in the room when you delivered the baby?”
“Oh no,” I said, like it would have been complete blasphemy, even though I’d wished he’d been there with me. “Of course not. Just my mom and Kiki. But I called Frank because I could feel the baby coming and knew he could get to me sooner. Gavin just happened to be in town.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll be there soon, sweetie.”
Kiki started complaining about being hungry, so my mom said, “I’m gonna head down to the cafeteria. You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” I smiled.
Frank followed them but Gavin stayed in the room, near the door. When the last nurse left the room, he shuffled toward me.
“Come here,” I said.
Gavin was silent, standing at the side of my bed, watching Milo nurse. He blinked rapidly, like his mind was on hyperdrive.
“What?” I said.
His mouth opened like he was going to say something, but he shut it and shook his head.
“Say something, Gavin.”
With his hands in his pockets, he bent to kiss my forehead. He let his lips linger there. I felt his body jerk a bit and then I felt moisture in my hair. He was crying.
“Gavin. Look at me.”
When he pulled back, there was so much pain on his face. It hurt me to look at him. Tears actually fell down his cheeks. He stood there, shaking his head.
“Please, you need to say something.”
He took a deep breath. “You’re so beautiful right now. Seeing you like this. I’m happy for you, I really am, but I gotta go, Penny. I can’t be here when Lance gets here.”
“Why?”
His silence was deafening. He took two more deep breaths and said, “Because he has everything I want.” He shrugged. “I gotta go.”
“Wait, you can’t leave. I want you to be the godfather. I already asked Lance if that was okay with him.”
He laughed in that hysterical way people do when they’ve been crying. “You’re not religious, Penny.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I guess I do. I can’t believe Lance is okay with it.”
“Well, it makes the most sense. Kiki’s going to be the godmother.”
“Are you saying I’m like a brother to you?” He was stroking Milo’s peach-fuzz-covered head.
“No, because it just makes the most sense.”
“I’d be honored, Penny,” he said, but his face was full of anguish.
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to keep you close.”
“I know, but it hurts to be this close.” He bent and kissed the top of Milo’s head.
His face was inches from my breast, but I didn’t flinch. When he stood up straight, he wiped his eyes and attempted to collect himself. He laughed again.
“What?” I said.
“At the moment, I think I’m more jealous of Milo than Lance.”
I shook my head. “There’s my Gavin.”
GAVIN AND FRANK left about twenty minutes before Lance showed up. I tried to take a mental picture of Lance’s face the moment he laid eyes on Milo. He was so proud and excited to see him; I almost faded into the background once he took Milo into his arms.
“What do you think? Can you believe I did it without any medication?”
Lance didn’t look at me. His eyes were glued to Milo. “I’m just glad this little guy came into the world safely.”
I wanted the credit, of course, but Lance wasn’t getting the hint.
“Well, it was terrifying.”
Finally, he looked down at me. “But you seem fine now. Are you in pain?”
“Strangely, no. Just sore.” But I was sad. I was sad that he had missed the birth of our child. That he had missed the grueling car ride, and the fear I felt when I thought I was going to give birth on the side of the road. I knew he couldn’t help it, that he had arrived as soon as he could, but Milo’s birth was the first of many moments when I felt let down by Lance.