16. Fourteen Years Ago
PENNY
I could feel and smell spring coming on. The snow was melting, my feet didn’t ache as much anymore, and my muscles weren’t as sore. Joey and I had three weeks until our finals performance but we were ready.
After practice I met Ling for a drink and then stopped at Pete’s on my way home to see if Gavin was working. We studied together often but he was still seeing Lottie . . . so there was that.
“Hey,” he said, walking toward my car. “What’s up? Where’ve you been lately?”
I rolled the window down and stuck my head out. “Just practicing a lot.”
“I’m off in ten. You want to get a bite?”
“I just stopped by to say hi.”
He rolled his eyes. “Hi, okay. Now let’s go eat.” He waved to Pete. “Hey man, are we good?” Pete nodded, letting Gavin know he could leave. Reaching for my driver-side door handle he said, “Scoot over, let me drive.”
I crawled over the center console into the passenger seat. He glanced at my body and down to my bare feet, wrapped in tape. “What?” I said.
“Aren’t your feet cold?”
“No, they’re burning up. I had a gross infection on my big toe.”
“You look banged up and a little too thin, P.”
I looked out the window, avoiding eye contact. “No such thing in dance. Just drive.”
“But you have to be strong.”
I turned and glared at him. “Drop it, please.”
“We’re going to get burgers. One burger is not going to make you fat.”
He had a bandage on his lower neck, peeking from the neckband of his sweatshirt. “Please tell me you didn’t get a neck tattoo.” He unzipped his hoodie, lifted his white T-shirt, and pulled a bandage from the left side of his chest, revealing a tattoo of the exact “L” that Laverne wore on her sweaters in Laverne and Shirley.
He smiled. “For Lottie.”
I shook my head. “That is Laverne’s ‘L.’ ”
“I know. Isn’t it funny?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Just drive.”
Pulling his shirt down and laughing, he put the car in gear and drove onto the main road. “You jealous?”
“Not at all.”
WE WENT TO a place that had a million different kinds of burgers and beers; it was mostly famous for the buffalo burgers. The mere thought made me nauseous but it was one of Gavin’s favorite places. I ordered a turkey burger, no bun, with a side salad and a light beer.
“A French fry is not going to kill you.” He tried feeding me one but I waved his hand away.
“So what’s new?” I asked.
“Nothing much. I just found out that I’m three units short of having an English degree, too.”
“So you’re getting your engineering degree and then you’ll take one class over the summer and get an English degree as well?”
“Yup.” He took a bite of his burger and talked through a mouth full of food. “Crazy, huh?”
“Wow, Gavin, that’s so impressive. I had no idea.”
“Me neither. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it. Maybe go track down Carissa and write a book with her, or do some stupid performance art in Denver.”
“What about Lottie?”
“What about her?” he said nonchalantly.
“Well, you got a fucking ‘L’ tattooed on your chest.”
It wasn’t always easy to pry things out of Gavin; sometimes he would catch me completely off guard with a gut-spilling confession. Other times he would be totally enigmatic and evasive. “I like her. A lot. She likes to fight, though.” He drank the rest of his beer and smiled serenely. He was staring into my eyes. I was chewing my burger slowly, wondering what he was thinking. “Not like you, Little P. You’re a lover.”
I swallowed hard.
He looked down at his lap to check his phone. “Speak of the devil. Lottie’s off work. I should probably get home and take a shower. I’m meeting her later.”
“Where does she work?” We rarely talked about Lottie if we could help it. I never even asked him how she felt about our friendship.
“Jamba Juice.” He laughed.
“Why’s that funny?”
“I don’t know. I’m convinced all the blender noise makes her a little agro.”
“That’s a stupid theory.” We paid the check. “Come on, I’ll take you back to your car,” I said.
He grabbed my hands from across the table. “P, don’t fall apart over this, okay?”
Like a little girl? I thought. “I’m not going to. You sure think a lot of yourself.”
“I just mean don’t read into this too much.” He pointed to the tattoo bandage.
I breezed past his comment. “Are you coming to my finals performance in three weeks? I think my parents and Keeks are actually gonna be there.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
We were staring into each other’s eyes. I thought about our blind kiss and how his lips felt on mine. I sighed. “You can bring Lottie if you want. We should all be friends, you know? So you and I can see each other more outside of our one-off study sessions.”
“I agree, but I think she’s jealous of you.”
“Why?”
“I love you for not knowing why.” Did he just say I love you? It wasn’t quite the real thing but it was something.
Several moments of silence passed between us. He was the only person I could unselfconsciously look at in silence for that length of time.
“I love you, Gavin.”
His mouth dropped open like he was going to say something, and then he shut it. My eyes filled with tears.
We were still clutching hands over the table, staring. “I love you too, Penny.” He smiled, a small, tight, humble, and loving smile. An expression I’ll never forget.
“All right, let’s go, dork.” I pulled him out of the booth while simultaneously wiping tears from my eyes.
THREE WEEKS CAME and went, just like the snow had come and gone. It was the end of college for me. I had passed my written finals and only had my dance recital left, which would officially allow me to get my degree. Everything was looking up, and the future seemed promising. Ling was going to med school in California in the fall, but we still had the summer in Fort Collins. Gavin was going to take one more class over the summer for his English degree and then he would be on the job hunt, like me.
I saw him a lot in those three weeks; I actually spent a few nights out with him, Ling, and Lottie, like we were on a freaking double date. Lottie was pretty dull, in my opinion, but then again, maybe I was just jealous.
On the night of my performance, I saw Joey outside the auditorium arguing with Doug. “What’s going on?”
Joey turned to me, fuming. “I failed the fucking written.”
“What?”
“Calm down,” Doug said. “I’m going to let him retake it.”
“He’s the best dancer in this program,” I argued, though it wasn’t totally true.
Joey was just shaking his head.
“Come on, let’s go warm up,” I said to him.
He followed me to the backstage door. I stopped on the sidewalk when I saw my family walking up. Kiki had the biggest grin on her face. I think she was relieved not to be the center of attention, for once.
“I’ll be there in a minute, Joey. Don’t sweat it, man. We’ll show him onstage.”
He didn’t respond. Instead he shot me a pouty look. I hugged my dad, who was practically jumping out of his shoes. “Hey guys!” I patted Kiki’s head. “You should be able to get great seats. You’re pretty early.”
“Your dad insisted on getting here an hour early, even though Kiki had to miss a piano lesson,” my mom said.
Jesus. Can’t I have just one night?
“I’m just excited to see my girl dance,” my dad chimed in, breaking the awkward moment. “Your mother is, too.”
“Awh, thanks, Dad.” I gave him another hug and then hugged my mom awkwardly and thanked her for coming. I was still annoyed by her comment but she was here. That was all that mattered.
I saw Ling and Lance walking up to the auditorium. Lance gave me a squeeze and then immediately went up to my dad and started talking shop with him as they walked inside. Ling and I remained on the sidewalk outside the auditorium.
“I didn’t know you were coming with Lance. Are you guys . . . together?”
She scoffed. “Are you kidding? He’s obsessed with you. We drove here together and he wouldn’t stop talking about you the entire way over.”
“Wait. No. Really?”
She rolled her eyes. “How have you not noticed? By the way, I saw Gavin and Lottie in the parking lot. They’re on their way in. It looked like they were fighting or something, though.”
“I think they’re always fighting.”
“Gavin’s not exactly easy to get along with.”
I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. He’s dramatic and all over the place.”
“Yeah, but I like that about him.” I checked the time. “Sorry, I gotta get in there and warm up.”
“Aight, break a leg, sister.” We fist-bumped. I smiled as she walked away and I headed to the backstage area to warm up. All of my favorite people were there, and they were about to see me do my favorite thing in the world.
Everything up to the performance was a blur. I was so nervous but before I knew it, Joey and I were next to go on. I peeked from behind the curtain and saw my family, Lance, and Ling in the front row. I searched for Gavin and noticed him and Lottie in the back row, standing in the aisle. They were whispering animatedly and waving their hands around angrily. Suddenly, she stormed out the back auditorium door and he spun around toward the stage, shaking his head as if to send me some subliminal apology. He turned and took off after Lottie, letting the heavy door slam as he left. Luckily, the dancers on stage weren’t fazed by it.
But I was.
He was gone.
“Ready?” Joey asked, taking my hand. He seemed to have calmed down.
“Yeah,” I squeaked.
Gavin was gone.
I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Isn’t that what he had said?