29. Three Months Ago
PENNY
I could hear him in the room. He was quiet at first, and then I heard him shuffling through drawers. It sounded like he was packing. Was he just going to ignore me? Maybe he was trying to let me sleep.
All of a sudden the blankets whooshed up, and he slid in and covered us again from head to toe. We were under the blankets, lying face-to-face on our sides.
“What are you doing, P?”
“Lying here.”
“Where’s Ling?”
“I told her not to come.”
He shook his head. “So you’re gonna mope here all alone? Have you even brushed your teeth?”
“I think you know the answer to that.”
“Talk to me. It’s three p.m., and judging by the looks of things, you haven’t gotten out of bed.” He reached his hands out to hold mine and I let him take them.
“I’m depressed. I talked to Milo and he asked a million questions. All of which I had to skirt around. Lance called and left three voicemails, asking to talk, but I don’t think I’m ready.”
“Tell him that.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Just picking up a few things. Briel’s downstairs, waiting in the car. We just grabbed some lunch.”
I tried to kick him but he grabbed my foot. “Get out of my bed and go be with your girlfriend,” I said.
“This is my bed, dork.”
“Well, get out of your bed and let me sulk.”
“No.” Gavin blinked and swallowed. This was Gavin’s tell for I’m about to say something you’re not going to like. “I told Lance I would leave you alone if he got help.”
I felt a stabbing ache in my chest. “Leave me alone? As in what?”
“You know.”
“You can’t do that.” Tears started forming in my eyes. “You can’t do that.”
“I didn’t know what else to say. I need to protect you.” He wiped a tear from my cheek and whispered, “I’m sorry. I hate to see you break like this.”
“Don’t do that. I’m not breaking. You think you’re protecting me by never talking to me again?” I scowled.
Closing his eyes, he said. “I’ll figure it out.”
“Tell me something, Gavin. When will this happen?”
“When will what happen?”
“When will we stop talking forever? When will we stop being there for each other? When have you agreed to stop being my best friend? Huh, fucker? Answer me. When will we never talk again?”
He didn’t say anything for a long time. His eyes remained closed until he finally spoke. “When one of us dies, I guess.”
“Exactly, and you know it’s true.”
He gave me a bow. One I needed so desperately. A second later, he sat up abruptly and moved to straddle me.
“Ouch, get off me!”
“No.” He pinned my arms above my head and ran his gaze down my body. “You’re a mess and you’ve had that T-shirt and those underwear since we were in college. I know you can afford underwear, P. Go shopping. Call Ling and have dinner with her. Eat something, for the love of God. You look like a waif.”
I was still pinned. Turning my head to look away from him, I said, “No!”
He ran his tongue up the side of my face. I wiggled and squirmed. “Ahh, gross! Get off me!”
“So very cute,” came a French accent from the doorway.
Gavin jumped off me onto the floor, still smiling. Apparently, he didn’t care what Briel thought. I pulled the covers up to my neck. “Hi, Briel. Gavin was just leaving.”
“And Penny was just rolling her depressed ass out of bed and into the shower.”
“Fine,” I grumbled.
LING FLEW IN that evening. “I was going to come anyway, so good thing you actually want me there,” she said over the phone. I was so glad she knew what I needed before I did.
We stayed up late eating junk food and watching reruns of Who’s Line Is It Anyway? She didn’t press me on anything, but she already knew the whole story from Gavin, Kiki, and the little fragments I had given to her.
The next day, Ling took me to the mall. I got three new outfits, five pairs of fancy underwear, and a bikini wax, which I had never had and never will again. Ling said I needed to feel good and confident when I eventually faced Lance. All I felt was pain.
I had a drink at six on the dot, and at seven Ling and I sat down at a fancy restaurant, where I ordered a margarita.
“There’s no answers in the bottle, Penny,” Ling said.
“Are you shrinking me, Ling?”
“God, no. I’m just saying getting drunk is not going to make you feel any better.”
“Isn’t that what you’re here for . . . to watch me get drunk? I’m going through shit, my friend.”
“It’s a phase. And no that’s not why I’m here.” She shook her head and looked away, seemingly disappointed. “Tell me this: did you stay with Lance because of the money and security?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know that’s not true. I stayed with Lance because I thought it was the right thing to do for Milo.”
“Was it?”
“You are shrinking me.”
“No, I’m just talking to you.”
I downed the last of my margarita. “It was the right thing to do for Milo. Gavin was unstable, fickle, all over the place for so long.”
“Is he now?”
“I don’t know.”
“Besides college and his one fuckup, hasn’t he always been there for you?” She raised her eyebrows. She already knew the answer.
“I’m just tired of fighting that fight. I’m tired of fighting for Gavin and justifying myself to Lance.”
“I’m just tired of watching you make your life decisions based on the men in your life,” she replied coolly. That stung, but it made sense coming from her. Ling was eternally single by choice, and she said what she felt. Having no significant other allowed her to roam through life without a filter. To be herself. I envied her. She was a great friend to me, but we had vastly different outlooks on life.
I thought she would lecture me more or say I told you so, but she said nothing after that. Finally, I asked, “Ling, do you think I should leave Lance?”
“Honestly, yes. I don’t think you’ll ever be happy with him and I think it’s selfish what you’re doing.” I knew she’d say that.
“I know.” I paused, looking around the restaurant. “Let’s get outta here. How ’bout the Tipsy Hat?”
“That dive with the cover bands?”
“Yeah! C’mon, it’ll be fun. We’ll dance.”
Little did I know, Ling was already calling in reinforcements.