10. Fourteen Years Ago
GAVIN
She was going to be the death of me.
I stood behind her as she unlocked the door to her parents’ house. “Looks like no one’s home,” she said. “I think my mom took Kiki to some pageant bullshit. My dad must be working late. Come on in.”
“This is your younger sister?” I pointed to a picture on the mantel as we walked through the living room.
“Yep, that’s her.”
“How old is she? Ten going on twenty-nine?”
“I know, it’s ridiculous. My mother dresses her like that and makes her compete in beauty pageants. Kiki seems to like it, but I don’t think she knows any better. Poor kid. She’s sweet, though. Come back to my room.”
Come back to my room? Shit. Why did I tell her we could just be friends? I tried to recall the promises I’d made and wondered how many were reasonable to break.
Penny’s house was a standard three-bedroom postwar suburban home. The décor wasn’t what I would call gaudy, but it was definitely froofy. Kind of like a ten-year-old had been allowed to order anything she wanted from the Sears catalog. Everything had a damn ruffle on it. It didn’t suit my idea of Penny.
When we got to the doorway of her room, I noticed how dramatically different it was from the rest of the house. Her bed was covered in a simple black comforter, and everything projected a modern aesthetic—sharp angles, cold, and minimalist. “Do you live in here with a vampire?”
“Ha-ha, very funny. You can sit there and wait for me.” I sat at her glass desk in an office-style chair as she tossed clothes out of her bag and into a hamper. “Some of this furniture is from my dad’s old office, so it’s pretty sterile.”
“Seems like you have different tastes from the rest of your family. No ruffles and flowers?”
“I like flowers,” she said absently.
“What, like Venus flytraps?”
“If you grew up with all this frilly shit, you’d be over it, too. I mean, do you know any other families who still use doilies? Every surface is literally covered in them.” She grabbed a shirt and jeans and headed for the door. “I’m gonna jump in the shower. I’ll be out in three minutes.”
“Do you need any help?”
“Be out in a jiffy,” she sang as she danced out into the hallway. I waited a beat before getting up.
I snooped, okay? I’m not proud of it. I needed to know more about her. For instance: why was she so stubborn about not dating? Had someone broken her heart? This girl’s room was literally devoid of anything girly that would indicate she’d even had a boyfriend before. No heart-shaped candy boxes, no folded love notes. No doodles of a guy’s name written eight thousand times on the cover of a spiral notebook. All I saw were tights, toe shoes, and dance stuff; not a single ballerina music box, stuffed with all her best-kept secrets.
When I heard her coming down the hall, I bounced over to the glass desk and plopped back into her weird office chair. She was wearing an off-the-shoulder T-shirt, and her long black hair was wet and draped over her bare shoulder. She sat at the edge of her bed to put on her socks and boots as she winced in pain.
“Fuck, my feet hurt.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Even from a few steps away, I could tell they were red, swollen, and bruised.
“No, they’re disgusting. Believe me, you don’t want to touch them.” She finished pulling on her shoes and stood up as if she were perfectly fine.
What I would come to learn about Penny was that even when she was clearly in pain or self-conscious about her body, it never showed. She moved with ease around the room, which must’ve come from years of performing onstage. She carried herself with grace and confidence. I wanted her to be healthy, to love her beautiful body, to take care of herself—even though we were still practically strangers. It was the first time I ever wanted something for someone else in a purely unselfish way.
I’d never wanted to be this guy before, fawning over a girl like a puppy. That wasn’t me. Sure, I’d professed my love to a couple of girls, but I knew it wasn’t real. In my ideal world, I was going to graduate, travel around the world, and have a girlfriend in every country. But Penny was flipping a switch inside me. Now, I couldn’t imagine doing anything without her, her fucked-up feet, and her sopping wet hair. I felt born anew, baptized by her beauty.
“Gavin?”
Bathed in her voice.
“Gavin?”
Aching for her.
“Gavin? Where are you?”
“Uhhh, right here.”
“What’s going on?” She walked toward me. Before I knew what I was doing, I reached for her hips, pulling her closer to me. I had a strong urge to kiss her belly. “Isn’t it clear what’s happening, Penny? I’m really into you. If you let me, I’d jump right into bed with you and forget this whole friendship thing.”
She pushed my forehead back. “C’mon. Stop.”
“I can’t help it. I have to tell you the truth.”
She laughed but continued to push me away.
“Just let me kiss you,” I said. “Let me kiss your belly?”
“No, weirdo.”
I stood and braced her neck softly. “Let me kiss your mouth?” She didn’t move. I bent and touched my lips to hers. She was still. I pulled away. “Kiss me back, jerk.”
“No. We’re going to be friends. We agreed.”
“We are friends. Let’s just be the kind that kiss each other,” I said in all seriousness.
Something changed. She seemed sad all of the sudden. I ran my thumb over her cheek. Who is this complicated girl?
“We should get to the party.”
I nodded. The mood had shifted.
As we were walking toward the front door, her mother and sister walked in. Penny didn’t miss a beat. “Mom, this is my friend Gavin from school. He’s driving me to Ling’s apartment since I had a beer after dance class today. Gavin, this is my mom, Anne, and my sister, Kiki.”
“Hello, Gavin,” Anne said, reaching out to shake my hand. “Nice to meet you.” She pointed to my arm. “Those are some interesting markings you have there.”
Kiki chimed in. “Mom, those are tattoos. I think they’re kinda cool.”
An inscrutable look spread across Anne’s face. “Interesting . . .”
“We don’t want to be late to Ling’s,” Penny said, tugging me toward the door. “Gotta get going.”
Anne looked uncomfortable. “Penny, can I have a word with you in the kitchen first?”
“Nope, gotta go, Mom. By the way, Gavin is the one who fixed my car. You can use that money for Kiki’s professional airbrushed makeup this weekend and all the extra glitter.” She tugged at my arm again. “Let’s go!”
Anne shook her head. “Well, bye then. Be safe . . .”
Penny practically dragged me out of the house as Anne and Kiki gave us identical little waves from the doorstep like two beauty queens on a float in a goddamn parade.
I followed Penny to my own car and felt frozen for a moment.
“Something wrong?” she said as she stood near the passenger door.
Walking around to unlock her door, I said, “I got a weird vibe back there. Did you?”
“Well, they are weird. What can I say?”
“They seem really nice, though. Why didn’t you want to stay and chat a bit?”
“Gavin, just get in the car. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about them on the way to Ling’s.”
“What’s the deal with you and your mom?”
She sighed. “It’s complicated. Let’s just say I’m closer to my dad.”
“I actually get along better with my dad, too, though I’d never tell my mom that.”
There was a beat of silence as Penny and I sat in my car. It was getting dark and I felt a burning need to get back to that moment we’d had in her bedroom. “So, when we did that Blind Kiss thing?”
“Yeah?” she said hesitantly.
“Well, didn’t you feel it? You said you liked me, I think.”
“Did I feel what?”
“Like, stars exploding? That kind of thing?”
“That’s an interesting way of putting it, although a tad dramatic.”
“Well?”
She sighed. “Yes, Gavin. It was a great kiss.”
“So why are you so determined to keep things platonic between us?”
She turned her whole body toward me. “It was really one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. I told you that. But I want to get to know you, Gavin. You’re like the first friend I’ve had where it doesn’t feel like I’m in some kind of competition. And I’m afraid—”
“You’re afraid if something happens, we won’t be friends?”
“Yes. And I need to concentrate on school. I have to get a job out of all this hard work I’m putting into dance. At least as a choreographer or instructor. I feel like if we date, we’ll end up wasting our last semester drinking flights of beer.”
“First of all, that’s not how it would go—we would also have sexy times.” I winked and smiled. It didn’t work.
She sighed again. “Can you understand what I’m saying? What if I promise to be open, to go with the flow, and to work really hard at getting to know you? We don’t have to decide anything right now.” She looked at her watch. “We should get to Ling’s.”
“Okay, I guess,” I said. I turned up The Cure’s “Plainsong” and drove. Penny stared out the window. I forgot how emotional that song was until I thought about how she and I were trying to figure out how to be in each other’s lives. What would we be to each other, and for how long? Would it be for a month? For a year? Would I ruin it by pushing her? I just wanted to be around her, but the girl had boundaries. Big ones.
When we got to Ling’s, I walked Penny to the door.
Ling swung the door open and said, “Hi, HKM.”
I looked around.
Penny mumbled, “Hot Kissing Machine. Ignore her.”
“Well, ladies, I think this is where I leave you. Have fun at the party. Hey Ling, you have my number, right? From the experiment?”
“I prefer to call it a study, but yes, I do. Why, what’s up?”
“Give me a call if our girl Penny needs a ride, or starts a girl fight.”
They both chuckled. I grabbed Penny’s hand and swung her around to face me. I bent, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Bye, friend, have fun.”