4. Fourteen Years Ago
PENNY
At home that night I went down to our basement studio and practiced the grand jeté over and over. At some point my dad came in but I hadn’t noticed. The lights were dim and I was doing the jump with my eyes closed; I liked to practice that way to prepare for the effects of stage lighting. When I stopped the music, he was holding his hand to his cheek, sitting on the bottom stair. I couldn’t see his expression so I turned on the light. He was crying.
“Are you okay, Dad?”
“Ahh, I’m just old and emotional.”
“Tell me,” I said.
“You’re such a beautiful dancer. It takes my breath away.” He started tearing up again.
“God, you are getting old and mushy.” We both laughed. He used to be the funny guy, but he had been more sad than funny lately. “Is everything okay with you and Mom?”
He wiped tears from his face. “Why do you ask that?”
I gave him a look. “I don’t think you’re just crying in the dark because I’m a good dancer, Dad.”
“We’re fine, Sweet Pea. Marriages go through phases.”
“Dad, the pageant shit has to stop.”
“Penny,” he chided.
“I’m serious. She’s gonna screw up Kiki.”
“It’s all she has right now,” he argued.
“No. She has you and she has me.”
He smiled weakly. “Go get some rest, Penny. You need to eat dinner and then soak your feet. They look terrible.”
“Dancer’s feet, Dad.”
“Yeah, yeah, but they’re my baby girl’s feet.”
THE NEXT DAY I headed to Ling’s study, my stomach tied in knots. Why had I agreed to do it? Lapse in sanity, I guess. But I had promised Ling, so after Professor Douglas’s dance class, I showered, dried my hair, brushed my teeth, and dabbed on a bit of lip gloss before heading to Clark. I was wearing jeans, my UGG slippers, and a hoodie from my old dance studio. It was a blind kiss, after all; it’s not like I had to impress anyone with my fashion choices.
Once I got there, I knocked on the classroom door. Ling answered without a word and ushered me in. There were four girls all chatting next to a table of juice and cookies.
“Go ahead and have a snack.” Ling leaned in and whispered near my ear. “I have a flask with rum in it, if you want.” Why did everyone in college drink rum? It has to be the most disgusting liquor. Also, Ling was more nervous than usual, which made me more nervous.
I smiled. “No, thank you. I’ll just wait.”
There was a connecting room with paper covering the window in the door. Ling spoke to someone on a walkie-talkie and said, “Okay, ladies, we’re gonna go in and show you the studio. The boys are waiting in another room on the other side of the studio.” She pointed to each girl in front of me and said, “You’re one, you’re two, you’re three, you’re four, and Penny, you’re five. That’s the order you’ll go in.”
“You’re not matching us up based on looks, are you?” one tiny blond girl with a pointy nose and pursed lips said.
Ling stared at her for an uncomfortably long time. “Are you serious, girl?” Ling was so awesome.
“Well?” Pointy Nose said.
“No, it’s totally random and looks are subjective. That’s the whole point!” Ling practically shouted at her.
We went into a large classroom where all the chairs had been pushed to one side to create a staging area. There were four students in the room: one guy behind a camera propped on a tripod that faced a small makeshift stage, another guy, and two girls standing near the stage with clipboards.
“Hi ladies, I’m Tracy. Ling and I are heading up this study.” Tracy was all business, complete with brown hair in a low bun and a pair of glasses on the end of her nose. I noticed the heater had been cranked up really high in the room.
I whispered to Ling, “It’s hot in here.”
“Just wait until people start making out.”
“No, seriously, I might puke.”
“That would be really gross, Penny. Please don’t do it on camera. When it’s cold, people’s nerves go haywire, so we’re trying to make everyone comfortable. Take off your sweatshirt if you have to.”
I only had a dancing tank on with no bra, not that I needed one. “Umm. Well, okay it’s not like he’s going to see me.”
“Exactly,” she said.
I tore off my sweatshirt and threw it on a nearby desk. The students showed us where we would be walking and standing, so once we were blindfolded we wouldn’t feel disoriented. Afterward, we were led back into the first room to wait.
Girl number one, a tall, gangly thing with mousy hair, wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt, was called in first. We waited and waited and then finally Pointy Nose said, “Jesus, are they fucking in there?”
When the girl came out we all bombarded her with questions. She was quiet. She just said, “That was really weird. He was all right, I guess.”
“What took so long?” a girl dressed in a club outfit and stilettos asked.
“They ask a lot of questions when you’re blindfolded and then after . . . when you’re just staring at each other awkwardly.”
Girl number four, who looked like every other hoodie-clad college girl, stood up and said, “Fuck this, I’m outta here.”
“No, please,” Ling said as she came back into the room to usher in girl number two.
“I’m serious, I’m not doing it. Keep your stupid Java Hut gift card.” The girl stormed out.
Ling turned to me. “Well, Penny, I guess you’ll go fourth. I’ll tell guy number five he’s been cut.”
“Um, Ling—”
Ling pointed at me. “No, you’re doing it. I said I’d watch you dance. You’re doing it, Penny! And you’re going to win the award for best guinea pig at CSU.”
“Is that really a thing? I don’t think I want that.” What’d I get myself into? “Let me just take a breath.”
I opened the door that led to the hallway and saw girl number one pass by me. She waved to a guy coming out of the adjoining room on the other side of the studio area, and he waved back. I assume it was the guy she had just swapped spit with. He was not attractive at all. I felt bad for thinking it, but it was going to be hard for me to not picture that guy when it was my turn. He was at least four inches shorter than me, which made basketball-shorts girl easily a foot taller than him. He seemed nice but he had pretty bad skin and fairly greasy hair. He was definitely a freshman, if not a devious seventh grader who had found a way to sneak in.
When Ling came after me, I was scowling. She handed me the flask and I took a large, disgusting swig.
“They’re not all good-looking.” I cocked my head to the side. “Liar.”
“You might be off the hook,” she said.
“Thank you, God!” I shouted. Clubbing Girl and Pointy Nose turned and glared at me.
“Yeah, so it looks like we’re actually missing two guys, but we still need to give it a few more minutes.”
“I’m so happy to hear that. I can’t believe you told me they were all hot.”
“Honestly, I never even saw them. That was Tracy’s job, not mine, I just had to get the girls.”
“You are such a liar!” I poked her in the shoulder and glared at her.
“It’s just a kiss. Jeez, it’s not like we’re asking you to sleep with him.”
I dry heaved. “Have another swig.” She handed me the flask and some breath mints.
As the hour went on, the other girls cycled in and out like it was no big deal. I was gathering my things, getting ready to leave, when Ling walked in. “Not so fast. Your guy was late—that ass—but he’s here and they’re blindfolding him now.”
“Oh God, did you see him?”
“Just chill. The other girls handled it like pros. What’s your deal?”
“Those girls looked like pros.”
“Penny, shut up and turn around. Just let me blindfold you.”
“I hate this study so much. You have no idea. Did you see him? Why’d you call him an ass?”
“I didn’t see him but Tracy said he was bitching about only getting a ten-dollar Java Hut card.”
“Why is he only getting ten?”
“Because he said yes the second Tracy asked him to be in the study.” She huffed. “You should be happy. You’re getting forty dollars’ worth of coffee. It’s basically liquid gold during finals.”
She used a dark floral scarf as a blindfold and triple checked it to make sure I couldn’t see a thing.
“Take my arm, I’ll guide you,” she said.
I linked my arm through hers and followed her into the makeshift studio. “I’m nervous.”
“You’ll be fine. Okay, step up.” She led me to a spot on the small stage where I felt a pencil on the ground. “Keep one foot on that. That’s your mark. The guy will be here in a minute.”
I heard his voice first. It was deep but soft, grounded in his chest but not husky. “Wait, where the fuck am I? Oh shit.” When I heard him trip, I started laughing.
“Hey, woman, are you laughing already? I haven’t even kissed you yet.” Everything was black but for some reason his demeanor instantly put me at ease. I could feel him standing opposite me now.
“Reach out and take each other’s hands,” said the guy behind the camera.
Ling guided our hands toward each other. His were warm and large; they swallowed mine up. “Tiny little hands,” he said.
“Ha!”
Ling started in. “Okay, we’re going to ask you a few questions and then ask you to kiss. You can take as long as you want. You don’t have to force yourselves to stop or continue, just let it happen organically.” I couldn’t imagine how that would be humanly possible.
He squeezed my hands in a way that was calming.
“So, girl number four,” Ling said, “are you nervous?”
“Uh, yes.”
“What about you, guy number four?”
“Not really.”
“Why did you agree to this?”
He spoke first, “Free coffee.”
“What about you?” Ling poked me in the shoulder.
“Um, yeah. The coffee, I guess.”
“So what do you think this experiment will give you? You go first.” She poked my arm again.
“Herpes simplex one.”
The guy chuckled. “No, I’m good,” he said.
“What about you?” Ling asked.
“I don’t know. An experience.” He didn’t seem nervous at all. “Like, what can you feel from just a kiss?” He ran his thumb over the center of my palm. It sent shivers down my spine. “Or by touch alone. I mean, I do wonder, you know . . . like, if it’s different, if I’ll feel nothing because I don’t know what she looks like.”
I huffed and tried to pull my hands away but he held them tight. “Where you going, lady?”
I didn’t respond.
Ling poked me again. “Tell him your name and what you like to do.”
“Penny. I’m a dancer.”
“Tiny little T. rex dancer.”
“You’re funny.”
“You smell good.”
“Stahhhp!” I was embarrassingly turned on by his little thumb strokes on my palm.
“Now you go, dude. Tell her,” Ling said.
“I’m Gavin, and uh . . . I don’t know, I like to play guitar and work on cars. I’m an engineering major.”
It was unusually quiet in the room after that. Even without sight, I could tell Gavin was tall, just based on where the sound of his voice was coming from. We were close. He smelled like mint and cardamom soap. I could feel the specific heat of his body even in the warm room.
“Ling?” I said.
“One sec, Penny. Josh is changing a setting on the camera.”
She was far away now. I could sense that only Gavin and I were on the stage.
“Are you really nervous, Penny? Your voice is shaking,” Gavin said, only loud enough for me to hear.
“Yeah.” He clasped my hands together between his and brought them to his chest. I could feel his heart beating. I could tell he had a strong, lean body. “I’m nervous, too,” he whispered.
“You don’t seem like it. Why’d you say you weren’t?”
“I was trying to impress you.”
“Go ahead, you guys,” Ling said.
“What?” I asked.
I felt like I was going to pass out, and then Gavin’s hands were on me, one on my back and one on my waist. I was acutely aware of everything. He was wearing a T-shirt. He was warm. I felt safe. My hands naturally went to his broad shoulders. I couldn’t speak. He pulled me flush to his body and moved a hand from my waist to caress my cheek. We were acclimating ourselves to the space and to each other’s bodies. My hand went to his face and felt his scruff.
His hand on my back was strong, pulling me up and in, and then his mouth was on mine. Slow and gentle at first. He laid playful slow kisses on my bottom lip until I opened to him and we were kissing harder, faster. Our tongues were dancing, gently teasing. He was a good kisser. I knew that immediately. I had no awareness of my surroundings, only a feeling of wanting more, as if we had kissed before. Nothing awkward, no teeth clanking. His hand went to my neck and then he pulled away and trailed kisses down my jawline to my collarbone. I was going to spontaneously combust. If he was the ugliest guy in the world, I would have still been attracted to him. It was an easy decision standing there on the stage, blindfolded, while Gavin nibbled on my ear.
He slowed and stopped just after placing one last delicate kiss on my lips.
“Whoa!” Ling shouted. “It just got way hotter in here.”
Gavin and I laughed nervously. We were no longer touching. It felt odd. I wanted to bury my head in his chest.
I was still standing motionless when Ling said, “Not yet, Gavin. We have some questions first before you take off your blindfold.”
He clapped his hands together. “I’m just dying for that gift card, you know?”
I could tell he was being sarcastic.
“Okay, Gavin,” Ling said, “what do you think Penny was trying to tell you with that kiss?”
“Tell me? I think I did most of the talking. Wouldn’t you agree, honey?”
I laughed abruptly and nervously.
He went on. “Confidence, maybe.”
No one had ever said that to me.
“What about you, Penny?”
“It was . . . sensual.”
“Yes,” Gavin agreed, nonchalantly.
“Okay, you can take off your blindfolds.”
I pulled mine over my head. He did the same. We saw each other. He was gorgeous, with warm green eyes and an angled jawline. His full lips were slightly parted. He was staring at me, squinting, and then he said softly, “Hi, beauty.”
“Hi.”
“Do you two feel closer now, or is it strange?” asked Ling.
I shrugged absentmindedly as I stared at Gavin.
He smiled. “How ’bout I buy you a coffee? I have connections around here, you know?” He winked. We were lost, and totally ignoring Ling.
“You guys,” Ling said. We both turned and looked at her. She had her hand on her hip. “We’re not done yet.”
“Okay,” I mumbled.
“Penny, are you more nervous now than you were before? Look at Gavin and answer the question.”
I turned to face him. “Yes.” Oh my god, his eyes were like truth serum to me.
There was a small, tight smile playing on his lips. “Why?” he asked.
“I don’t know . . . I like you.” Did I just say that? What is wrong with me? He’s stunning me with his lips. My brain is not working. I’ve been drugged.
Now his smile grew into a wide grin. I looked down and noticed my nipples were hard and obviously peeking through my thin, tight tank top.
He followed my eyes, then looked back up at my lips. I crossed my arms over my chest.
“How about that coffee to warm you up?” he said.
That’s not why my nipples were hard. “Maybe.”
For the first time since I had removed the blindfold, I looked around the room. The four other psych students were discussing something in the corner while Ling scoured her clipboard.
“Are we done?” Gavin asked.
“Yeah, I guess we can call it. I’ll walk you guys out,” Ling said.
Gavin took my hand unselfconsciously and led me off the stage. Our hands were clasped like it was the most normal thing in the world. In the holding room, Ling looked down at our linked fingers and scribbled something on her clipboard. She came over to my ear and said, “He’s hot,” loud enough for him to hear.
Gavin laughed.
“Here’re your coffee cards.” She handed four to me but only gave one to Gavin. They were ten dollars each.
“Hey, why’d you get four?”
“I’m a good negotiator,” I said.
“Guess you’re buying.”
I had told P-Doug I’d come back after the study to run over our partner routine again at four, and it was already three fifteen.
“I don’t have much time. I have a dance practice at four.”
“Well, let’s get goin’, Boo.”
The tension was dissipating. How could a guy be so confident while also being so natural and casual? It was charming. He led me toward the hall. “Bye, Ling!” I said.
She was looking at us with a wicked smile. “Bye, you two.”
When we were about halfway down the hallway, we heard Ling and the other psych students clapping and cheering. Apparently they got what they needed.
“That was by far the weirdest thing I’ve ever done,” I told Gavin.
I let go of his hand to put my sweatshirt back on. He walked quickly in front of me and pushed the glass doors open. The cold air blasted my face. He turned, grasped my neck with both hands, and kissed me again.
When he pulled away, his eyes were open. He was staring at my mouth. “It’s freezing out here, huh?” he said.
“Again,” I said.
He pushed me up against the building wall and kissed me, harder this time.
When he stopped, he asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Come on then. I don’t want to be late for our first date.”
“I . . . I mean, I have to . . .”
“Come on, Java Hut awaits.” He was fun, spontaneous, full of life.
Inside the Java Hut, we went to the counter and Gavin pulled out his coffee card. “I’m treating, even though you managed to swindle four of these out of those poor psych majors. I mean, we both know I did most of the work back there.”
“Hey, I wasn’t so bad.”
His expression turned serious. “No, you definitely weren’t bad. Now what’ll it be, little dancing queen?”
“I’ll have a green tea.”
“Ahh, she’s healthy, too. I’ll take a large quadruple caramel macchiato with whole milk,” he said to the cashier, and then looked at me and smirked. “It’s like liquid crack. I’m gonna be so high at dance practice.”
“Wait, what?”
“Come sit,” he said, changing the subject.
I noticed the design on his T-shirt for the first time. It was orange with an illustration of a pickle wearing sunglasses. Underneath the pickle were the words Dill With It.
I laughed as I sat down beside him. “What are you laughing about?” he asked.
“Your T-shirt’s funny.”
“Thanks.” He took my hands and held them across the table. It felt like we were on a real date, which was giving me whiplash. I’d known him for less than an hour. I slipped my hands out of his grasp and clasped them in my lap.
“Penny, we practically had sex with our mouths while wearing blindfolds. I mean, baby, you did not hold back.”
“Neither did you.”
“You know I knew you were pretty before I agreed to do the experiment, right? Tracy told me so.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, but I had no idea you’d be so uniquely beautiful. You’re transcendent. You really are.”
My stomach did a somersault. “Th-thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He smiled. Gavin had a childlike quality about him. I liked the way he lied about not being nervous, and then easily admitted he was. He wasn’t afraid to tell the truth, and he didn’t seem to get embarrassed easily.
“I don’t think coming to dance practice will be very exciting for you.”
“I do,” he fired back.
“Well, um—”
“Please?”
“Um . . . okay, but no critiquing me.”
“You’re my best friend, I would never insult you,” he said with a serious look.
“Ha! Funny.”
“It’s true. At the moment, you’re my best friend in the world.”
“You’re an interesting guy, Gavin.”
“Interesting in a handsome and charming kind of way?”
“Yes.” The truth serum was still in effect. Maybe it always would be with him. Why was I thinking of always? “How old are you?” I asked.
“Twenty-three. Don’t say it! I’ll do it for you. Yes, I’m on the five-year plan. This is my last year but I did change my major three times, so you know . . . that kind of extended my glorious time here.”
“What came before engineering?”
“Ahh, you were listening. English, then music.”
“Wow, you’re all over the place.”
“Thank you, Penny. You’re not the first to say so.” He shook his head in mock irritation.
“I didn’t mean to—”
“I’m kidding. I don’t get offended by it. It doesn’t matter how long it takes me. I’m an only child, and the first of all my cousins to go to college, so I get points for that.”
“Actually, I’m all over the place, too. I’m conflicted about dance and how I’ll turn it into a career.”
Gavin took a sip of his coffee and started to choke. “There are a lot of ways to make a career out of dance.”
“I’ve done ballet and contemporary dance my whole life, but my parents . . . well, my mom actually wanted me to have a degree in something more solid. And maybe . . . probably I’m not good enough to be a professional dancer.”
“Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?”
“I don’t. I mean, I don’t know.”
He shook his head and then looked at the clock. “Shit, it’s almost four. We gotta go,” he said. I liked how he said we. I liked his concern for me.
He grabbed my hand. “Let’s walk and talk. So where do you live, Penny?”
“Five minutes away . . . with my parents.”
That didn’t seem to faze him. “Yeah, my dad lives in town, too. I used to live with him but couldn’t stand it, so now I share an apartment off-campus with my friend, Mike.”
“How do you pay for rent?”
“I work at Pete’s, that gas station garage in town. I work on cars and do oil changes and pump gas and stuff, mostly at night. It pays the bills.”
“I wish I could work, but practice is too demanding.”
We were walking into the performance hall. Professor Douglas was talking to Joey at the front of the stage.
Gavin and I walked down the aisle toward them. “Hey guys,” I said. “This is my friend, Gavin. He’s gonna stay to watch practice so he can give me a ride home. My car’s still broken down.”
Gavin looked at me and squinted. I guess I had surprised him with that.
Joey rolled his eyes. “Now you’re bringing boyfriends to practice?”
“He’s just a friend—”
“Yes,” Gavin said. “She is.”
Professor Douglas turned his attention to Gavin. “Welcome. Have a seat anywhere you’d like.”
“Does this mean I can bring friends to practice, too?” Joey asked.
“She needs a ride home,” P-Doug argued.
“I bet she does.” Joey was scanning Gavin up and down.
I looked out of the corner of my eye at Gavin and watched him wink at Joey. When I elbowed him, he said, “What? I’m gonna help you out here and kill the little prince with kindness. I think he likes me anyway.”
“I’m sure he does. He thinks he can convert anyone.”
“Get warmed up, Penny,” Professor Doug said.
“I gotta get up there. Sit by Doug. He’s cool.”
Gavin nodded and took a seat.