“Ready, asshole?” Quinn slaps my back as Natalie and I stand here looking at each other. “Wheels up in ten.”
I nod and grip her hands. Even though she didn’t want to come to the airport, she said she couldn’t leave me at the apartment. This is the first time I’ll leave someone behind. Even though we are in a good place, it feels like I’m leaving my life behind. She’s everything I need. I love her more than I can ever explain. All I can do is pray when I get home, she’ll be fully ready to move forward. And if she chooses him, then I’ll know what six months apart feels like. Maybe that’ll make it more bearable.
I’m fooling myself, but I know we’ll be called up and I need to be ready. It’s not just my ass on the line, it’s the men in my team.
“Hey,” she says drawing my attention back. “I’m going to miss you.” A tear forms, but she wipes it before it can fall.
“No tears. You’ll make me have to kiss you.” I try to joke and lighten the moment.
Her laugh is short and then she looks down. “Maybe I should cry then.”
“Lee,” I pull her chin toward me. Her blue eyes look gray and hollow. “You have no idea how much I’m going to wish I was here with you. Usually, I love deployments, but I can already tell I’m going to hate this one.”
Her perfect lips attempt to smile. “I need to say this,” she hesitates. “If you . . . I mean . . . if you get lonely . . .” She gnaws on her bottom lip and looks away, but I turn her face back.
“If I get lonely?” I know what she wants to say, but I’m going to make her say the words. First, it’s keeping my mind off the fact that I’m going to touch her lips for the last time in a few minutes. Second, it’s kind of cute.
“Just tell me. Please don’t let me find out the other way. If you meet someone and you fall in love or whatever . . .”
“If I get lonely, how about I call or email you?”
Her eyes snap up. “That would work.”
“Good,” I say and lean down so she hears me clearly. “No one is going to fill the void of you. There’s no woman in the world that will be able to make me forget you.” I hope she hears the conviction in my words, because there’s no one else. Selfishly, I want to add on, “Unlike your husband.”
The announcement comes over, “Three minutes. Say your goodbyes.”
Natalie’s chin quivers, and her hands grip my shirt. “I hate this.”
“I do too, but remember our trip. Remember what I said. I love you.”
She pulls me close against her and my arms are locked around her. I want to hold on to how it feels right now. When the nights get long and I need to feel peace, I want to have this moment. And if God forbid she decides she can’t do this again . . .
“Be safe, be smart, and please come home to me,” Natalie says quickly. “I love you, Liam. You can’t even begin to know how much you own my heart. I wish this were different right now. I wish you had no doubt that you’re who I want, but I’ll prove it. I’ll show you that in six months when you come home, I’ll be standing here waiting for you.” Tears fall and once again my heart breaks.
“And then I’m going to marry you.”
“I’m going to hold you to it.”
“I’ll call you as soon as I can,” I promise.
She nods and presses her lips to me. “Okay.”
“And then we can naked Skype,” I smile.
She shakes her head and kisses me again. “You can keep your eggroll in your pants.”
“And I’ll be home as soon as I can,” I assure her.
Natalie eyes lock with me as I bend to kiss her. “Not soon enough.” Another tear falls and my throat dries.
Fuck. How the hell am I supposed to get on that damn plane? This was a bad idea and I should’ve listened to her. Walking away is going to break me. It’s my job, and usually I’m the first on that plane, but I can’t get my arms to release her.
I look over and see my men grabbing their bags and a few guys starting to head toward the plane. It’s time. I have to let her go.
“I gotta go, sweetheart,” I say gently.
I expect a scene. Her crying or unwilling to let me go, but I watch a shift happen in her face. She straightens a little straighter. Natalie’s entire demeanor morphs into strength and determination. It’s the same as when we’re ready to head out. We shut down the emotional side and are ready to battle. There’s no place for pussies during missions.
“I know,” she smiles and releases my uniform then pats it down. “Okay, we got this.”
I pull her hips closer one more time and kiss her with everything. I press against her lips as she opens her mouth and I dive in. I need to taste her, feel her, and make her remember how much I belong to her. Her arms wrap around my back and she moans. I’m kissing her like she’s the only thing here. I hate myself for making her think we should be apart. I wish everything were different, but it’s not, so I give her all I can right now.
“Let’s go!” I hear Commander call out.
We break apart, and I rest my forehead on hers. I can’t look at her eyes again or I’m not going to be able to get on that fucking plane.
“Come home to me, Liam. Please, just come home,” she pleads and I nod.
I bow down and grab my sea bag. This is it.
“I’ll see you soon.”
I keep my eyes on the ground, and I hear her breath catch.
Don’t look. Just get on the plane.
“I’ll count the days.” Her voice is soft and quiet, but I hear her. I think I could hear her voice even if there were a crowd of people yelling. She calls to me on every level.
With my arms full, I turn and head toward the plane. Two other guys are beside me with the same faces. We’re ready, but this blows. There’s no happiness getting here, but this is our jobs. We signed up for this, and we serve with pleasure. But no one ever told me this is the other side of this shit.
I’m leaving the woman I love in the arms of her husband. This is so fucked up. But she’s not mine fully. I have to use this time to figure out if we have a chance. The life we’re both entering into if we stay together is complicated, and there are a lot of people’s lives at stake. Aarabelle being number one. I know she’s Natalie’s primary concern.
As I round the corner, I can’t stop myself from looking back. She stands with her long, blonde hair pulled over her shoulder, her arms are clutched in front of her as she watches me walk away. I lift my chin and her hand lifts a little. Then she presses her fingers against her lips and blows me a kiss.
Right there . . . she just broke me.