“Hey Sparkles, can I come in?” Mark asks apprehensively.
“I figured they’d send you in first.” I grin as I wave my hand to usher him in. “You’d be the one I’d be more likely to forgive.”
“It’s because we both like to glitter.” Mark flops in the chair and slaps his hands on the side.
“Must be that.”
You can sense the tension in the air, but Mark is probably the best at masking his discomfort. Coming in here today was difficult, but I needed a sense of normalcy. Aaron didn’t notice I’d been gone all night, or if he did, he never said a word.
After I left Liam’s house, I grabbed Aarabelle and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t mean to sleep with him. I honestly just wanted to see him. But once he touched me, it became impossible to stop and there wasn’t even a part of me that wanted to. The lines in the sand are becoming blurred.
Walking in the office was far more difficult than I could’ve expected. Knowing prying eyes and Aaron’s friends surround me makes me want to cower, but I’ve done enough of that. I work here now, and I needed a reprieve.
People’s lives are in my hands—at least that’s my excuse.
“What can I do for you?” I ask after a few moments of awkward silence.
Mark grows serious as he shifts forward with his elbows on his knees. “I’m worried about you. I know you may think you can’t talk to me, but you can.”
I believe that he cares for me. I trust that he has good intentions, but I also know if push came to shove, their whole “bros before ho’s” bullshit would be in full effect.
“I’m doing fine.” The last word trips me a little. I immediately think of Liam.
“How’s Aaron?”
I glance out the window and mull over my words. “Adjusting, I guess—we both are.”
Mark waits for me to look back at him before speaking. “I know this is hard on you more than anyone. You moved on, you found out about the affair, you were happy, and now he’s back. It can’t be easy. Hell, I can’t even pretend to know what you’re feeling. But he’s been through fucking hell. If you’re in pain, imagine what he must’ve gone through in the year he was being held. I’m not asking you to forgive him,” Mark pauses. “I’m just asking you to let us help.”
My eyes widen at his last request. “Help? How do you plan to help?”
Mark tilts forward. “Jackson and I are your friends, Lee. Aaron can stay with me for a while, you can take some time off, or whatever you need. But all he could talk about on the plane back was seeing you. He never mentioned the other girl.”
I huff, “Like you’d tell me anyway.” I wait for him to refute me, but he won’t.
The stories of infidelity run rampant in the teams, but we all ignore it. We look the other way, because no matter what, they’d never tell the wife who’s blissfully ignorant. So many of my friends found out, after their husbands returned, that while they were holding down their homes, their husbands were fucking everything that walked. Some even after they’d made love to them again. It’s the worst slap in the face, and I thought I’d been immune to it.
“No, I wouldn’t have told you . . . but I would’ve made sure you knew.”
“What the hell does that mean?” My hands come down on the desk with a smack, and Mark looks a little startled. Good. “I’m so tired of these riddles and rhymes. You all talk of honor, valor, and code, but you’re all hypocrites!” I stand and the chair flies out from under me.
“Lee,” he says hushed.
“No!” I yell and walk over to him. “You don’t ‘Lee’ me . . . I’m tired. You can all tell me that in all the time you spent with Aaron for that year, you never suspected it? You can honestly sit there and tell me you had no clue? I’m sure more times than you know he said he was with you. How does that make you feel?”
Mark stands towering over me, his hands gripping my shoulders gently. “I didn’t know. I would’ve told him to knock it the fuck off or tell you. He made mistakes and he’s paid his penance.”
“And that’s supposed to comfort me?”
“What do you expect?”
What do I expect? I don’t know. That’s the part that gets me. I can’t tell him what I want, because if it were Reanell, I wouldn’t run and tell Mason. But there was a baby involved. And it wasn’t a one-time thing.
I flop in the chair and hang my head. “I expected it to never happen. But none of that matters because I’m over it. I’m over the affair and all the other bullshit. I was genuinely happy with Liam.”
Mark sits beside me. Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he pulls me close. “Were you happy with Aaron? If you hadn’t believed he was dead all this time, would you be with him?”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I can’t answer that. We weren’t happy, but we were happy about the baby. Who knows if after Aara was born if we’d have gone backward?”
“Yeah, that’s the thing . . . you don’t know. But what I do know is you have great friends who love you. And you have Aarabelle. As for the rest, it’s up to you.”
I lift my head and look at him. “Is it? My choices affect everyone in this.”
Mark kisses my cheek, “I think you need to give yourself a chance to breathe before you choose anything.” He heads out of the office and then pops his head back in. “Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think we could give Aarabelle the call sign Moonlight?”
My smile is automatic, and I throw the box of tissues from the table next to me at his head.
He ducks and it misses him, but he smiles. “I’ll take that as a no.”
Only Mark.
I head back to my desk and get back to work. The people overseas matter, and I need to focus on their lives instead of my own. At least for a few hours.
My phone rings and I answer without looking.
“Hello?”
“Natalie,” Aaron’s scratchy voice sounds nervous.
“What’s wrong?” I ask quickly.
“It’s late. I’m just wondering if you’re coming home.”
I look out the window and then at the clock. Shit. It’s almost seven.
“I’m sorry. I got caught up in these projects,” I explain.
“Right. Work,” Aaron replies disbelievingly. “I figured you might be somewhere else. I don’t have a car or anyway to get anywhere. I just wanted to know what to do.”
“Aaron,” I say softly. “I’m really sorry. I’m leaving the office now and I’ll be there soon. Let me call Paige and see if she can keep Aarabelle overnight. Then we can have dinner and talk?”
We need to figure out the logistics of all of this, and I need answers. I need to know from him what exactly happened and how we move forward for Aarabelle’s sake. I don’t want to move out of my house, but I don’t want to throw him out either.
“I’d like that.”
“Okay,” I smile. “I’ll see you soon.”
“I love you, Natalie.”
“I—” I choke on the words. “I gotta go,” I mutter quickly and disconnect the phone.
There’s no traffic on the road and Paige was happy to keep Aarabelle. I’m not sure how to handle things with Aaron, but I need to know a lot of things. Where he was for the last year, for one. I’m assuming if Aaron went on that rescue mission, it hadn’t been by choice, but I’d also assumed he wasn’t sleeping around.
I park in the drive and a text bings.
Liam: We have to talk.
Me: I know. I need to handle things tonight with Aaron.
Liam: Okay. I’ll wait to hear from you.
Me: I love you.
The text was easy to say. I didn’t stumble over my words because my heart is where Liam is. No matter what my past holds with Aaron, my future belongs to Liam. I need to figure out how to make my present match up with all of this now.
I wait for a text from Liam but it doesn’t come. My finger hovers over the call button. How can he not say it back? I’m trying to prove to him that he’s my choice. I’m being honest and faithful to him. Hell, I snuck out of my house just to see him.
“Lee?” I drop the phone and cover my mouth to avoid screaming. I look at the window and Aaron is standing there. “You okay?”
Gasping for breath, I look over. “I’m fine. You scared me.”
He opens the door and extends his hand. “Sorry, I was worried.” Hesitantly, I place my hand in his. I wait for a spark, a zing, anything, however, there’s nothing but familiarity there. “I ordered food. I figured it would be easier than either of us cooking.”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “You and cooking don’t really mix.”
Aaron places his hand on the small of my back, and I move faster.
“Some things never change,” he muses.
“And some things do.”
Aaron lets out a breath. “I guess they do.” He pauses as we make our way to the deck. I look at the table with candles, roses, and pizza by the side. “I thought, maybe . . .”
I turn and look at him with so much anger and hurt. “You thought what? You would make this a date? This isn’t a date, Aaron. This is figuring out how the hell to make this less painful than it already is. I can’t just forget that you cheated on me . . .”
“So you’re going to take her word as bond? You’re not going to give me the chance to explain anything?” he explodes and softens his stance. Aaron lowers himself to the ground at my feet. “You loved me once. We had a love that others prayed for. You and I made vows.” His voice is feeble, and it’s as if the ground is swallowing him.
I drop my purse and perch myself on my knees in front of him. “Vows that were broken. And yes, we loved each other once, and we lost ourselves somewhere on that path.” Aaron’s eyes meet mine, and I want to cry. “Let’s not do this to each other. Please,” I plead.
“Let’s just enjoy dinner and talk.”
I nod and we both shift. “There are things I need to know. Like, what happened in Afghanistan?” I decide we have to start there. I need to know about the affair, but at the same time I don’t know it will make a difference. I need to put each of our issues into their appropriate box. Again with the damn boxes. But I think it’ll help me keep each of the mounds of bullshit contained so I can handle them better.
“I know you have questions, and I’ll answer the best I can. I’m still fuzzy on some parts.” Aaron says and stands extending his hand.
I stand on my own, knowing I need to keep my composure and appear in control. We sit in the chairs illuminated by a soft candle glow. I fight the urge to blow them all out. This isn’t a date. But I need him to be honest, not set him off.
“Tell me about the explosion.” My voice is low and calming.
Aaron puts a slice of pizza on both our plates and then he grabs my hand. “Is this okay?” he asks looking down.
It seems like he needs this from me. Like my hand is the lifeline that will ground him. “Yeah, you can hold my hand.” I speak the words and squeeze his hand.
“Thanks, baby.”
“You can’t call me ‘baby,’” I reply more harshly than I meant to. Aaron’s eyes drop to our joined hands.
“But I can hold your hand?”
“I think you need a friend. I think you need support to talk about what’s going on and what happened. I’ve been your friend since we were kids. I’ll always be your friend.”
Aaron nods and let’s out a deep breath. “I don’t know how much will make sense. But I remember getting in the caravan to head out to the site where we were having issues. There were four of us in the truck just talking and laughing.” His eyes glaze over as he retreats into his story. “There were a bunch of kids throwing their arms up screaming. They were trying to stop us—I guess. I don’t know what they wanted. I was sitting in the passenger side and urged the driver to keep going. I know better than to slow down, but instead of listening, he let up on the gas. As soon as we slowed a little, the explosion happened. It hit my side of the vehicle, and I remember feeling like I was flying. Everything was weightless but chaotic at the same time.”
He takes a deep breath and his hand tightens. “What happened then?”
“There was screaming and blood everywhere. I remember being dragged by the neck, and I assumed it was one of the guys in our car. I was going in and out so much, I honestly don’t know much more than that.”
As a tear falls down my face, Aaron releases my hand. “Who was pulling you?”
“They did.”
“Who’s ‘they’?” I encourage him to tell me more.
“Who do you think, Lee?” Aaron says as his jaw tightens. “I was losing a lot of blood. I thought I was dead. They made sure I wouldn’t die, but I wouldn’t tell them anything. Not my name, not anything. They knew I was American, even though I only spoke French so they’d be confused. I would go unconscious for long periods of time. I honestly don’t remember much. When Charlie came to the site, she apparently was following around some high ranking terrorist pretending to be his new toy.”
“Is that the agent that found you?” I ask.
“Yes, she literally stumbled on the camp I was being held. When she realized I was American, I started to get the care I needed and got some information. But I wasn’t sure any of it was real. I’m still not sure what was reality versus not.”
I sit quiet and try to absorb all he’s telling me. It was a year and we never looked. None of us searched for him. “They told us there was no way you could’ve survived the blast. It was so bad that no one would. There weren’t many remains of the others. Did they survive?” I look at him and he shakes his head.
“I shouldn’t have. The blast was bad, but apparently, I got pulled out before the secondary explosion of the vehicle. I was mangled and in bad condition when I woke up the first time. I would wake for a few hours and then go back out for who knows how long. There wasn’t exactly good medical attention. Charlie was the only thing keeping me alive. It took her months to gain my trust. I wasn’t sure if she really was CIA or if she was full of shit. I couldn’t rely on my training because nothing made sense.”
“I hate this for you,” I admit.
He tangles his fingers with mine. “All I knew was that if there was any chance, I needed to stay strong. I would let her help me so that I could come home to you,” he says, hushed.
“Aaron,” my voice shakes. I hate that he’s been hurt. I know he won’t tell me, but I care. “Did they . . . ?”
“I’ve been through worse. I’m alive, so all of that shit doesn’t matter.”
“I can’t tell you how much your death affected me. I was a mess. Each night I would pray it was a lie. I refused to get rid of your things for almost the full year. I can’t tell you what it was like when Mark came to the house to tell me,” I let out a shaky breath. “I latched on to every good memory we had. I held them like lifelines, praying they would keep me afloat. When I went into labor, Reanell practically had to carry me to the car. I knew once Aara was born, things would be different for me.” I stop and take a gulp of wine. “I did it though, I gave birth to that beautiful little girl, alone. Each time I’d push I would think of you. How you went through so much and always stayed strong. When I held her for the first time, it was agony. I hated being alone.”
“You think I didn’t want to be there?” he asks incredulously.
“No, of course I don’t think that. Let me finish.” I wait for the vein in his neck to stop pulsing. “There was this baby we fought so hard for. She was everything I wanted, but you weren’t there. It was the end of me feeling sorry for myself. I found strength and determination. I was still sad, lonely, and missing you terribly, but you were gone. When I had the memorial, it was horrific, but again, I did it. I had to get up each day because she needed me, but that was about all I could do. Then Liam came to Virginia.”
“No,” Aaron cuts me off. My eyes snap up, and he rips his hand back. “You’re not going to sit here and tell me about how Liam put you back together. Natalie, you’re my wife.” He leans forward with determination in his eyes. “We have a child. We have a life people only dream of. You and I are meant to be together.”
“You slept with another woman. You keep forgetting that. And I don’t think we had a life people dream of. I think we were comfortable and content. You were seeking what I wasn’t giving you! You said it yourself.”
“It was a one-time thing, a fucked up night,” he says, and my retort dies on my tongue.
“One night? You can look me in the eyes and tell me that?” I ask hesitantly.
Aaron stands and comes around the table. My heart falters as I look at my husband, my best friend since I was sixteen. He stands over me and pulls me to my feet. “One horrible night after we’d lost the baby. After I had to watch you lie on the bathroom floor begging for God to kill you. You held your stomach and prayed that someone would just end it all because you weren’t good enough. I was broken after that. I didn’t know what to do, so I left.”
“I remember. I came out and you were gone. You left when I was in the middle of pure torture.” I look at him recalling that night.
It was the last failed procedure, and I was distraught. I thought that baby was the one. I was ten weeks, we were so close to the safe zone. I started cramping and then I saw blood. I sat there trying to convince myself that it wasn’t really blood. That it wasn’t a sign that we were going to lose the baby, because I was so close. The pain was unlike anything I’d ever felt. I would cry and clutch my stomach as the life I’d been desperate for left me.
I told myself that if the pregnancy didn’t stick, I would stop trying. I needed to move forward and stop hoping for something I wasn’t meant to have. We’d spent so much money and energy. I was consumed by everything regarding fertility.
Aaron’s hands hold my face. “I couldn’t watch. I felt like I failed you as a husband. I couldn’t watch you like that. I went to the bar, got drunk, and I fucked up.”
Turmoil boils in my body as I try to figure out if he’s lying. None of this makes sense. “Brittany said it was months. She said . . .”
“She lied,” Aaron says, so sure.
“Why would she lie? What does she have to gain? We all thought you were dead. So it makes no sense for her to be vicious and mean to me. But you lying right now would make sense,” I say, feeling angry that I don’t know what the damn truth is.
There’s so much between us, so much history, and throwing it all away isn’t something I take lightly, but I think about Liam. How far we came. How much we loved. And how hard it would be to lose him. I’ve already lost Aaron once, I know I can endure it. Besides, this man in front of me isn’t the same man I loved. I look at him now and see betrayal and deceit.
“Why would I lie to you, Lee? I always told you the truth!” he exclaims and turns his back.
“You didn’t lie? You think for one second even if it was only one night with her, that’s okay? Do you not see how disgusting that makes you? On the night we lose a child, you sleep with someone else. The night I had to crawl into bed on my hands and knees because the cramping was so bad, you were fucking someone. While I was in horrific pain, you were enjoying the night of your life?” I spit the words, hoping he feels the knives embedded in them. I hope they tear into his heart and shred him to pieces. “Some man you are. Some love and honesty we have.”
Aaron stands behind me unmoving. I feel the heat radiating from his body. But he doesn’t touch me, and if he’d like to keep his hands, he won’t try to.
“I never told you because it meant nothing. She means nothing and neither does the affair.”
I spin on my heels and slap him in the chest. “Fuck you. It meant everything to me! You meant everything to me! I hate you right now. You stand here smug as if I’m doing you wrong. You were a coward.”
“I deserve that.” He steps closer, but whatever emotion is showing on my face causes him to retreat.
“You don’t deserve me.” I step closer. “No matter what your relationship was with her—which I don’t believe for one second it was a one-time deal.” Another step.
“What does it matter? I’m here right now trying to fix things.”
“You then came home that day saying you slept at work. Two months later, we found out I was pregnant with Aarabelle.” Aaron takes two steps back as I vibrate with anger. “So you did whatever the hell you did and came home and then made a baby with me.”
He looks away. “You’re not going to listen to me at this point. Apparently, what I’ve been through doesn’t matter. You’re no better than me, Lee.”
“Unreal,” I huff. “You went through hell over there. I hate that you were hurt. I hate that you ever had to endure one ounce of pain,” tears stream down my face. He’s been through so much. We both have. Now we have to hurt even more. “But it doesn’t erase our past. There are no free passes because you’re holding up the argument that what I did is the same. Me moving on and finding love again doesn’t equate to cheating. I can tell you don’t want to tell me everything. I see it in your eyes that there’s more.”
Aaron steps closer and grips my shoulders. “Damn right there’s more. But it’s in the past. She’s in the past. I went through more hell than you can fathom. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. You. Not her. You!”
Confusion sweeps over me as I soak in what he says, conflicting emotions rioting within me. I have no doubt he went through a lot. I also don’t doubt him when he says that it is me he loves. That’s the part that kills me. But it’s not enough.
“I know you love me. And if I’m being honest, I love you. I will always love you. You were the first man I ever loved. But you’re not the only one anymore,” I reply somberly. “I let Liam into my heart, and he and I share something special. I never meant for this to happen. I had no reason to expect you were alive. But things failed way before then, Aaron. Were you happy? Because I wasn’t.” I let out a deep breath. “We have to let each other go.”
“So because of what I suffered, I get to pay even more? How is that fair? You even said yourself you love me.”
I shrug out of his hold and walk toward the end of the deck. “I don’t want to make you suffer. No matter what you think, this isn’t easy for me. And there’s no ‘fair’ here. I would never intentionally hurt you.”
“But I am hurt.”
“Well, so am I.”
The silence lingers between us. Years of love and trust are gone. They’ve washed their way out into the sea, leaving behind shells of who we were.
Aaron blows out the candles, and I can’t help but feel like the light inside of him just went out too. He walks over, grabs the dishes, and starts to head inside. I turn toward the ocean and wait for the calmness it usually brings, but instead, I feel cold and alone. Both of us have had to deal with so much in one year.
The plates crash to the ground, and when I turn around, Aaron is already in front of me. He grips my face, and before I can say anything, his lips press against mine. My mouth stays still and he pushes hard. It’s painful, like this entire situation. He holds me against him as my hands shove against his chest, Aaron just holds me closer. His tongue sweeps against the seam of my lips, and I turn my head. As our lips break apart as he stares down at me.
“Why can’t you love me again? I would do anything for you.”
“Then tell me the truth.”
“You want to know everything?”
I stare at him, waiting. “I don’t think we can ever move forward if I don’t know everything.”
“I told you everything that matters.”
“That’s just it. Everything matters.”
“I choose you, Natalie. I’d choose you every day until the day I die. I want you. I need you. And I don’t know how else to make you see that. Everyone and everything else is in the past.”
“And so are you. You’re living in the past where I’m your doting wife. I lived the last year of my life knowing what it’s like without you. I found out the truth about who we were—hell, who I am. I’m not the same woman you fell in love with. I’ve changed.” I touch his arm and he flinches. “I’m not that girl anymore, Aaron.”
“Fine.”
“Fine?” I ask skeptically.
“It’s done, Lee. You want me to go back to her?”
“I thought it wasn’t about her?”
“That’s right,” he sneers. “It’s about Liam.”
I don’t say anything as he turns and heads into the house.