“You’re now sixteen weeks,” Dr. Contreras says as she smiles and grips my hand. I’ve been with her from the beginning of my very first failed pregnancy, and she knows more than anyone how I’ve been terrified. Each week, I start to gain a tiny flick of hope this might be okay. “You are still high risk, but right now you’re on track.”
“I keep waiting,” I say aloud.
“Don’t live like that. Everything looks great right now, and you’ve made it through the most trying time.” She walks over and gives my hand a squeeze. “Have faith, Natalie.”
I need to harness my faith that no matter what, I will be okay. I can’t be worried because the stress won’t be good for the baby either. “Can you give me any insight about how this happened? Years I went through hell, and now when I’m not even trying . . . it happens?”
“Sometimes after you have a baby, your body resets itself in a way. Kind of like ‘been there done that.’ Your cycle restarted after Aarabelle, and while you might not have been regular because PCOS doesn’t go away, you were ovulating when you did happen to get pregnant. It’s a good sign.” Dr. Contreras smiles and writes some things in her chart. “I want to see you back in four weeks.”
“Are we doing this like we did with Aarabelle?”
During my pregnancy, I was considered high risk. My visits were more frequent and they monitored me very closely. I also was on a very light lifting ban. We were very careful, and I felt like I should’ve covered myself in bubble wrap.
“Most of it, yes. I don’t want you doing anything strenuous. If you can keep off your feet then do it. I know that’s hard with an eighteen-month-old, but try to take it easy. Do you have help from the father?”
I look away and shake my head, “Aaron has been helping a little with Aarabelle, but he doesn’t know. Liam is deployed, and I can’t tell him while he’s gone.”
She laughs, “I’m sure that’ll be a fun homecoming.”
“It’ll be interesting for sure.”
She pats my hand. “I’m sure you will get everything worked out. We’ll keep you monitored and next appointment will be an ultrasound. It’s all good things, Natalie.”
“I have so much stress right now, between Aaron and Liam, I’m not sure what the hell to do. I’m concerned all of this is going to affect the baby.” This is my worry I battle each day. I’ve been doing so well with keeping myself calm and in check so far though.
Aaron and I get along, but I’m sure that all could change very quickly. Liam will be home soon enough and then the dynamic shifts again. Plus, there will be an even bigger sense of betrayal. Liam was able to get his wife pregnant when he couldn’t.
“I know this is a difficult time for you, but I want you to focus on you for once. Not Aaron and all the issues in the situation, but really give yourself the best care possible. Can you do that?” Dr. Contreras asks.
“Yes, this baby means everything to me. No matter what happens, it’s a miracle and I’m happy.”
She smiles, “Good. Now, I’ll see you in a few weeks and then we can see your baby.”
I leave the office feeling buoyant and hopeful. I dreamt of having more children, but I never expected it to happen, and I sure as hell didn’t think it wouldn’t be without help. Liam and I have a tiny miracle growing inside of me. I don’t know how he’s going to handle it, but I can’t stop the joy that builds.
I’m going to have another baby.
Once I arrive back at the office, I float around in a daze. I was so sure by now I wouldn’t still be pregnant that I didn’t really allow myself a chance to process what it all means. Aaron will need to be told delicately and not until Liam knows. God, I hope I don’t show early.
“Earth to Lee.” Jackson smiles waving his hand in front of me.
“Hi! Sorry.” My cheeks flush as I realize I’ve been staring off into space.
Jackson laughs and leans back. “How are you?”
“Good. I’m good.”
He smiles knowingly and I wonder if Mark told him. I’ll kill him.
“Dempsey doing okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, Liam is out doing . . . well . . . you know,” I sigh. “It’ll be a few more days until he’s back in touch.”
Jackson nods and steeples his fingers. I forget sometimes how far he’s come. The man who used to play beer pong as a sport is now a company owner. He took all of the bad things that happened to him and used them for good. “How are you handling his deployment?” he asks.
There’s no judgment in his voice. He must know how difficult this is for me. I may do a good job of masking my fears, but they’re there. They lurk in every shadow, waiting to jump out at me. The fear that someone will come to tell me he’s died weighs heavy. It’s the reality of loving him, but he’s worth battling my demons.
“I have good days and bad days. When he’s in Germany, I’m fine. We talk more often and it feels like he’s just down the street, but he’s been out of touch for a while now.”
“It won’t be too much longer.”
“No, we’re half done. It’s that last month that’s always the most agonizing,” I laugh.
“For us too.” His warm smile and blue-green eyes light up.
“So, you didn’t come all this way to just talk about me . . . what’s up?”
Jackson sits forward and explains what’s been going on in their investigation. It affects my job because that was the initial issue. When Aaron went out to Afghanistan, it was to see why supplies were going missing. The issue seemed to die out after Jackson got shot, but when they started to delve deeper, they found something was amiss.
“Anything you need and I’ll help,” I offer.
“I was hoping with your journalism background, you’d be able to look into a few things, but I want you to be comfortable.”
“As long as I don’t have to travel, I can help. I don’t know how great my contacts are and what I can find out, but I still have some friends.”
Jackson nods, “Great. Thanks, Lee.” He looks around awkwardly and I can tell this isn’t the full reason he’s here.
“Is there something else?”
“Aaron will be in the office more. I know you guys are talking and both moving on with your lives, but I felt you should get a heads up. I don’t condone all the shit he did, but he’s been my friend and saved my ass. If you want to cut back here or work from home more, I’ll do what I can to make this as comfortable as possible.”
Aaron and I have found a way to cope through all of this. We’re civil and kind, but I’m not sure working together is the best idea. Especially with me being pregnant. But Aaron isn’t responsible for supporting me, and I don’t expect anything from him. I need to produce an income.
“Can I think about how to handle this?”
“Of course. I just want you to know I’m your friend too, and I won’t let you and Aarabelle suffer either.” Jackson gives me a pointed look. “I mean it, Lee.”
I grin and nod, “I know. Now, how’s wedding plans?”
Jackson and I talk about their upcoming nuptials and how happy he is. It’s nice to see him come full circle and with someone like Catherine. They may not have been each other’s first loves but they are truly made for each other. Which is how I feel about Liam.
It may not have been the plan I had, but he makes me impossibly happy. Liam sees into the parts of my heart I never knew were there. He’s the clarity in the darkness that brings peace to my soul.
My computer rings and I fluff my hair. I haven’t seen Liam in weeks and I want to look stunning.
“Hi!” I squeal as his face comes into view.
“God, I missed your eyes,” he says and smiles.
My eyes start to water as I look at him. His dark brown hair is longer than he usually wears it and the scruff I love so much is a full beard. He still takes my breath away.
“I missed every part of you.”
“You look beautiful. How are you?” he asks and leans back on his pillow.
“I’m good. I miss you,” I say again. I wish I could find better words because missing him doesn’t seem strong enough. I yearn for him in a way that’s probably not healthy.
He chuckles, “I miss you too, Lee. Where’s Aarabelle?”
“With Aaron.”
“Ah,” he says and his face falls slightly. “I got an email from Mark the other day.”
Panic starts to churn, but I try to mask it quickly. “Oh?”
“Yeah, wanted to check in and see how things were. Let me know you were being watched and were doing good.”
“Watched?” I say a little pissed.
“You didn’t think I wasn’t going to make sure you had someone looking out for you?” Liam smirks.
“I think you forget I’ve done this a time or two there, Dreamboat.” I missed our playfulness. It’s one of the things I love most. He makes the most serious of situations easier to tackle.
“Yeah, but I haven’t. I needed to make sure my girls were okay.” The way he includes Aarabelle makes my heart explode with love. He’s going to be an amazing father to our baby.
I bite my lower lip and debate if I should tell him now. I decide to test the waters. “How did the last trip go?”
“Let’s not even talk about me and here. I swear I’ll never be happier to be stateside,” Liam huffs and then continues. “There’s been stupid fucking mistakes made over and over. I mean, you’d think I’m with a bunch of newbies this time. My frustration level is beyond high, and I’m going to have heads roll if there’s one more screw up. I thought someone would be coming home in a body bag this last one.”
Nope. Not going to tell him now.
“I’m sorry,” I shrug, partially disappointed. I want to tell him about our baby. Of course I wish it was in person versus over Skype or the phone. “The divorce should be final soon, by the way.”
“You okay with it?”
“I’m ready to start our lives with no more ghosts,” I reply earnestly.
Liam pauses and then his eyes get serious. He leans in and sincerity rings in his voice. “I’m going to make you happy, Natalie. I’m going to give you all the things you want, and I’ll never betray you. As long as we’re together, you and Aarabelle will be what I live for. I know she’s not mine, but I’ll love her like she is. I’m going to make sure you never know what it feels like to be second best.”
My heart soars and tears begin to fall. “You have no idea how happy you make me.”
“We’re just right, Lee. I’m not saying we won’t have ups and downs, but I’ll be by your side the entire time. Even when I have to be away from you, I’m with you.”
I shift forward and blow him a kiss. This man has shown me love when I never thought it would exist again. He gave me faith to open myself to him and that he’d protect me. Even when he pushed me away, it was to protect us. The love we share is once in a lifetime. It may have taken a tragedy to bring us together, but it’s true love that binds us.
“I love you, Liam Dempsey.”
“I’m thinking you should prove it,” he winks.
“Oh, and how do I do that?” I smile as his eyes begin to smolder.
“I want to see you, sweetheart.”
I smile and shake my head.
“I want to hear you, watch you come apart with my voice. I need you so bad and this is the best we can get.”
If I ever planned to do this with him, there’s no other time possible. I’ll be unmistakably pregnant soon and then I definitely can’t.
I grab my laptop, shut off the light hoping to hide the bump I have now, and head toward the bed. “I’ve never done this.”
“Me either, sweetheart, but I’m dying and I want to do this with you. If I can’t touch you, I need to see you and feel you in my mind.”
With just the dim light from the setting sun, I glow. I smother my nerves and take my top off. I watch his pupils dilate and hold on to that to keep my confidence up. My heart races as I watch him settle into his bed. “I’m not going to be the only one naked, am I?” I ask.
Liam grins and removes his shirt. My mouth goes dry as I see the sinews of his muscles move. I want to touch him so badly. My hand reaches toward him, but all I can do is close my eyes and imagine the feel of his skin beneath my fingers. “Remove your bra, sweetheart.” Liam’s voice is hushed but full of heat.
I watch Liam as I move my hands behind my back and stop. Instead, I move my hands to my shoulders and slowly drop the straps down. “Like this?”
“You’re so beautiful,” he rasps.
Slowly, I remove my arms from the straps and then reach back and undo the clasp. When my bra falls, the moan that escapes him causes heat to flood my core.
“If I was there, I’d touch you. My hands would be everywhere. Do you wish I was there?”
“Yes,” I breathe and my eyes flutter. This is the most erotic thing I’ve ever done. He’s thousands of miles away and still makes me feel sexy. Liam’s voice drops low as he groans when I push my hair back, giving him a full view.
“Show me how you want me to touch you, Lee. Where do you want my hands on your skin?”
My fingers move from my stomach to my breasts. I close my eyes and listen to his voice as I imagine it’s his hands on me.
“I’d latch my mouth on your breasts. Suck each one and let my tongue roam over your gorgeous tits.” His husky voice drawing out a moan.
“Liam,” I whimper.
“My mouth would be over every inch of you. I’d kiss you, touch you, lick you . . . I’m so fucking hard imagining how you taste.”
I open my eyes and need to see him. I don’t care that we’re through a computer. All I need is him. “Show me,” I request.
Liam stands and removes his shorts and boxers. He doesn’t move, allowing me to see every bit of his body. I long to touch him, feel his body in my hands. “I wish . . .”
“I’m there with you now, Lee. I’m right in front of you. Tell me,” he commands.
“My fingers would be on you.” My voice is breathy as desire courses through my veins.
“Where?”
“I would trail up your arms,” I close my eyes and mirror the movement on my own skin. “Making sure I feel every muscle. They remind me how strong you are and how safe you make me feel.” Liam moans and it emboldens me to go on. “My fingers would glide across your shoulders and to my favorite part of you—your chest.”
“You’re killing me, sweetheart.”
I open my eyes and look at him as his hand grips his cock. He pumps it slowly with his eyes closed and his head back. I want to crawl through the screen. I’ve never been so turned on in my life. Watching him jerk off to the sound of my voice and the promise of what I’d do is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
“I would kiss each part of your chest. Slowly trail my tongue down your torso but keep my hands on you. I’d go slow over each ridge and dip in your skin. Feel how your muscles tense when I touch you before taking you in my mouth.” Liam stops and his eyes are molten lava.
“Take your clothes off, I need to see you.”
I remove my pants and underwear. We’re both naked and so far apart, but right now, we’re together in every way.
“Are you wet for me? Show me,” he prompts. The heat in his eyes makes me want to give him whatever he wants. I lie back on the bed and hope the camera angle allows him the visual he wants but still trying to hide a little. “Fucking hell, Lee. What I would do to you right now.”
My skin is on fire. I slowly touch my breasts as they’re weighted and very sensitive.
“That’s it. Touch yourself for me,” Liam encourages. “Go slow and pull at your nipples. Yeah,” he moans and I imagine him touching himself. “Glide your fingers down to your pussy, sweetheart.”
I hesitate for a second, but the need to ease the build is too much. My hand moves from my breasts down past my stomach. I pause, thinking of the baby for a moment, thinking I should tell him, but Liam speaks again.
“I love you, Lee. Let me love you with my voice.”
It’s not the time and this would surely kill the mood. “Tell me, Liam.”
“I’d go slow, driving you crazy with need. I’d push your legs further apart so I could see all of you. Watch you pulse as you crave me. Then, I’d lower my mouth to your pussy and take one long lick.”
I swear I see stars. His voice is thick and full of promise and I could come apart right now. My finger presses against my clit and I rub small circles.
“It would just be beginning as my tongue would push inside of you and I’d fuck you with my mouth first. There’d be no finesse, just pure passion. You taste like heaven and I’d want to stay there forever.”
“Oh my God,” I groan as I climb higher and higher.
“When I feel you tighten around my tongue, I’d stick my finger inside and twist until you were gripping me so hard that your body is begging for my dick.”
“I’m begging now,” I moan.
“I know. Make yourself come. Show me how bad you want me.”
My pace quickens as I listen to his grunts and groaning. I lie on my bed imagining it’s his hands, his mouth, and his touch.
“Only you, Natalie. Only you can make me this fucking hard. Make it this impossible to do anything but think about being with you,” Liam coaxes me as I writhe. “I’m touching you. Wishing it was my hands on your beautiful body. My tongue would be in your mouth as I sink into you, claiming you with each stroke as you come apart on me.”
I explode. My body shakes as I have one of the strongest orgasms of my life. I cry out and my breath comes is short gasps. I turn my head and catch Liam last second as he follows me over the edge. He moans my name and cleans up.
“Well, that was the best fucking Skype of my life,” he smiles, and I flip onto my stomach hiding myself.
“It was interesting for sure,” I blush.
“Hold on, someone’s knocking,” he says and gets dressed quickly.
I suddenly feel very naked. I grab my robe and throw it over me. I hear him arguing with Quinn for a few minutes before the door slams.
“Hey,” he looks irritated. “Sorry about that.”
“No worries. Kind of glad he didn’t come knock a little earlier,” I giggle.
Liam doesn’t respond right away. He wipes his hand down his face, “I don’t even know how to tell you this, but I have to go back out. I’m going to be gone a few days or more, again.”
“I thought you guys were on a short break.”
I know he has no control. But these missions are killing me. I worry and wonder when I don’t hear from him. So far, I’ve been able to keep my mind from running rampant, but at the same time, the fear can come out of nowhere.
“We were supposed to be, but Quinn just came here to let me know we needed to start gearing up. This isn’t like me.” He looks off and lets out a deep sigh.
I’m not sure what the hell he means. “What’s not like you?”
“This stressed out, pissed off, ready to go home guy. You broke me,” he laughs. “I worry about you and Aarabelle. I wonder if you’re okay and if you need anything. It consumes me. You consume my world. I don’t know how these married guys do this.”
He seems so forlorn I wish I could take it from him. I give him my best shot. “I know the job you have. I have a very small advantage than some new SEAL wife. I’ve walked in these shoes. You have to remember who you are when you’re there. You’re not Liam Dempsey. You’re Dreamboat. If you don’t do your job, you don’t come home to me. So do your job and do it well. Then when you come home you can suck up.”
“How did I ever get so fucking lucky?”
“You loved me at my lowest. You healed me by being the man you are. I’m the lucky one.”
“I’ll call you when I’m back and we can start planning another Skype before homecoming,” he grins and leans in close. “And I mean a repeat of today, sweetheart.”
“You better earn it,” I smile and scoot forward. “Or next time I’ll point the camera at the ceiling.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Oh, wouldn’t I?”
“I’ll be seeing all of you very soon,” Liam smirks.
“We’ll see about that.”
“Kiss Aarabelle for me and get her potty trained,” he smiles.
“I will. I love you.”
“Love you more. We’ll talk soon.”
I nod as my throat becomes thick with emotion. I miss him and I don’t want to hang up. But I know he has to go and I need to be strong for him. Liam disconnects the call, and I hold my stomach and start counting down until I can talk to him again.