“Thanks, Paige,” I say as I lift Aarabelle into my arms.
“No problem. I hope you have fun in Corolla,” she smiles and I nod. I can’t say the words because they will break the carefully constructed front I’ve managed to build.
I buckle Aarabelle in her seat while she smiles at me. “Dadadada,” she babbles and then I fall apart.
My muscles go limp while I lie with my head in her lap and sob. I think about how she called Liam “dada” and how much it made a part of me happy. Now, the sound of her saying it makes me break. I drown in the sea of pain as each sound of my own cries takes me under.
She plays with my hair as I lose it in the back seat of my car.
Breathe and you’ll figure this out. You’re stronger than this.
I look at Aarabelle, and brush the side of her face. “So much has changed, baby girl. So much. Mommy’s going to be a mess, but I’ll do everything I can to protect you from it all. I love you so much,” I tell her then close the door.
When I left the house, Aaron was sitting on the deck. He asked if we could talk more tonight and try to find some kind of middle ground. I don’t even have a clue as to what kind of agreement we can come to, but I at least have to try. If I want any shot in hell with Liam, I need to know where things stand at home first.
There are so many issues flying through my mind: where he’ll sleep, clothing, do I file for divorce, what about all the money from him being declared dead? I sit in the driver’s seat and put the music on. I don’t want to think about any of this. I want to take a moment.
I pay no mind to where I’m going, because I’m singing as loud as I can with tears streaming down my face. Life is cruel. Love is a joke. And not even death is final.
I’m not ready to head home. I know I should because he’s waiting for her. He’s waiting for me. I’m being uncaring, but all I want to do is head to Liam and beg him to take me into his arms. Looking back in the rearview mirror, Aarabelle stares out the window, and I wish things could be different, but I’m grateful she’ll never remember all of this mess. I turn into my driveway and sit. The turmoil boiling through my veins makes it impossible to move. There’s not only the fear of him with Aarabelle, but also me too. I’m a match next to a canteen of gasoline, ready to ignite at any moment. We haven’t dealt with anything and I reluctantly agreed to let it rest for a few days.
A few days that I can’t go to Liam.
Time to get your shit together.
Aarabelle smiles when I get her from her car seat. I walk slowly with her to the deck where Aaron is standing with his back to me.
He turns slowly and casts his eyes on Aarabelle for the first time. I hold her close as she looks around. Aaron takes a slow step forward and smiles. “She’s beautiful.”
Words fail me, so I nod.
“She looks just like you, Lee.” Aaron’s eyes swim with love as he stares at my—our—daughter.
“I always thought she looked like you,” I say looking at her while she smiles at me.
“Can I?” he asks, his arms extended.
I shouldn’t pull her back, but I do. I can’t stop the fear that festers. He’s her father, he wanted her, and he will love her, I know all of this. But she’s only ever been mine. It makes me harsh and selfish, but I don’t really care. She’s my daughter. I’ve been through it all with her. Well, me and Liam. He’s practically been a parent to her, and I feel as if I’m betraying him. Which is insane.
“Lee,” my name rolls off his tongue.
Tears pool and one lone bead of moisture escapes. It slowly descends down my face before landing on my lip. “I j-just . . .” I stutter. My hands grip Aarabelle as she squirms to get free. Aaron moves closer, keeping his eyes trained on her as if he can’t look away.
This was the culmination of years of heartbreak. Years of both of us feeling inadequate and alone together. She’s the beauty in all the heartache. She’s the prize from all the desperation we endured. And she’s his. Not Liam’s.
No matter where Aaron and I land, Aarabelle is the glue that will hold our lives together. Forever we will be tied to each other. I slowly extend her, and his arms meet me halfway. Our hands touch as his eyes fill with tears.
“Hi, Aarabelle,” he says adoringly to Aara. The way he looks at her, like she’s the air he breathes, makes my chest tighten.
The arms I’d wished would wrap around her, protect her, love her are now holding her. She looks at Aaron with her signature smile. My body goes stiff as it all settles around us.
Aaron somehow lived and is home.
He’s holding our baby.
“God, she couldn’t be any more perfect,” he laughs and looks at me.
I sniff and try to rein myself in. “Yeah, she really is perfect.”
“You look just like your mommy.” He bounces her and wipes his eyes. “I dreamt of you. I wondered if you were okay,” Aaron talks to Aarabelle, and I have to take a few steps back.
Father and daughter are united.
“What’s her birthday?” he asks.
“August ninth.” She looks at me, and I walk over to them. I place my hand on her back while she touches his face.
Aaron just stares at her. Aarabelle squirms again and begins to fuss.
“She’s almost one. She just wants to move around,” I explain, reaching for her. “Do you want to go for a walk? She loves the beach.” I offer the olive branch to him. The confliction on how to handle this entire thing is too great to make things any harder.
His eyes soften, and he nods. “That would be great.”
I lean down, place Aara on the chair, and then remove her shoes. “You’ll need to hold her other hand. She’s a little unsteady.”
Aaron holds his hand out to her, and she wraps her fingers around his. With me on the other side, we begin to head toward the water. Mother, father, and daughter. It’s a picture perfect vision of how our lives could’ve been. My thoughts wander to the man who’s been at my side the last year. How would he feel about this?
“Lee?” Aaron asks as we walk along the water line, breaking me from my reflections.
“Yes?”
“I really do love you.” Aaron’s voice doesn’t waver.
“Mama!” Aara yells demanding my attention. I’m grateful for the distraction, because I don’t know how to respond. Do I love him? I’ll always love him. But because of Liam, my life this last year has been different.
“She’s getting hungry.”
“Okay,” Aaron says then looks away. “I should probably lie down. I’m exhausted.”
We start to walk back to our home, but I don’t speak. The silence says everything.
After I get Aarabelle to bed, and Aaron hovers watching everything I do, we both head toward the living room. It’s the first time we’re completely alone. I don’t know how I’m going to last days without talking about all the crap between us.
He sits on the couch, but he’s not relaxed. The muscles in his arms are coiled tight. His head rests on the back of the seat, but everything in his body shows his distress.
“Aaron? Are you okay?”
Immediately his eyes fly open. “Hey,” his voice is like ice. “I’m fine. Just got lost for a moment.”
I’m a fairly empathetic person, but how to navigate this is beyond my understanding. I have no idea what it’s like to be held captive. I don’t know how someone can endure that and resume their old life. Especially one that everyone has spent the last year moving on from, so that it doesn’t even exist anymore. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Aaron shakes his head. “I can’t yet. I’m trying to figure out a way to make it through this. I came home to a world I don’t have a place in. I lost you, my house, my life.”
“I know you want to give it a few days. I don’t think we can. How are we supposed to sit here and have all this just hanging? It’s putting us both on edge.”
Aaron shifts forward so that his forearms rest on his knees. “I don’t know. I’m in agony, Lee. It feels like you wish I’d stayed gone, and I don’t know how to feel about that. I’m your husband.”
“You were dead. You were gone. I had to live.”
“I fucking know that.” Aaron stands while his eyes focus on flag sitting on the mantle. “I see it in your eyes though, baby.”
“Don’t,” I warn. “You told me to move on, you made me promise. You can’t hate me or blame me for doing what you asked.”
My heartbeat falters as he kneels while gripping my hands. “I can’t. I’ve loved you my whole life. I can’t look at you right now and think of my fucking best friend touching you.”
I pull my hands back. He’s suffered and I know this. I can’t begin to imagine what the last year has brought him, and then to add insult to injury, I wasn’t here waiting for him. “You ruined me. I trusted you, and then to find out you had an affair . . .”
Aaron’s gaze drops, and he sucks in a breath. “I know. It was never like that.”
“No?”
He looks back up as I search for the man I once loved. Not because I want to be with him, but because I need to know he’s there. I implore him to tell me the truth. If he lies, there will never be a way for us to move forward.
“I was the broken one. I needed you so much, and all you cared about was getting pregnant. We didn’t talk if it wasn’t surrounding infertility. We didn’t touch if it wasn’t a part of your schedule. I couldn’t have sex with you because it would diminish my counts. I hated coming home. I volunteered to go on missions just because I needed a fucking break.”
His words cut me deeper than I ever imagined. They tear through any whole part of me that remained. He and he alone made these decisions for our family. My emotions and my needs were secondary in every way. I had to go through hell because he was too much of a chickenshit to fight. “You volunteered when I was already pregnant?”
“No, the ones before. When I would go on those trips, it reminded me of how it felt to be in charge of something. I failed at every fucking turn. Being your husband was exhausting.”
“So she was just some way to escape the horrors of being my husband?” I ask with disparagement dripping from my tongue.
“Natalie, it was a way to escape the horrors of not being man enough. It wasn’t about you. Don’t you get that?” He waits, but I don’t say a word. “It was me who wasn’t able to give you, my wife, the woman I would’ve laid my own life down for, a baby. I was inadequate on every level. She didn’t see that in me. She saw the strong, virile male who wasn’t a failure. I needed her to take the pain away.”
“Was she worth it?”
“It wasn’t about her.”
“Would you go back and do it again?” I ask with raw pain drowning my words.
Aaron looks away and then back again. “She gave me something you weren’t willing to give anymore. She looked at me like a man. She looked at me like a hero. In her eyes, I was someone worth loving. I needed that. I deserved that.”
“Would you do it again?” I ask again.
“I don’t know!”
I look at him, and he knows me well enough to see the hurt, anger, and despair in my eyes. He knows that was the end of any chance he had.
He just lost me.
Completely.