I stand here as he turns the corner before allowing myself to truly feel what just happened. My body is stiff, and my chest heaves. His desert camouflage uniform is taut and he adjusts his cover. How I wish I could trade it for his jeans and beanie. It would mean he wasn’t putting his life in danger. But that’s not who he is, and I knew this. Doesn’t make it any easier because my heart is sitting on a plane.
This is pure hell.
Reanell walks over and places her hand on my shoulder. “Each time I promise myself I’ll stay home, yet I can’t stay away.” I turn with tears in my eyes as we both grab each other and hold on.
“I hate this. I forgot how much I hate this.” I cry against her shoulder, and she stains my shirt with her tears.
She sniffs, “I never really forget, I just block it out.” Rea pulls back.
“How can I miss him so much already?”
“Because you love him. As soon as Mason walks away, I start to yearn for him,” she says longingly.
I know what she means. “It’s like we know we can’t have them, so we want them even more.”
She nods, “I always want him home, but it feels like even when he’s home we’re gearing up for our next deployment.”
“Sometimes even when they’re not active it feels like that,” I muse. I think my life was worse once Aaron chose to separate from the military. While he wasn’t deploying anymore, a part of him was missing.
Rea turns to me and points to the plane. “Those men, they’re built differently. They love differently, and they need different things. We’re the same way. This is the life we know, and while some may not understand it . . . we do. Our love is stronger than most couples, and you and Liam are no different.”
I see Liam enter the plane and the door shut behind him. I want to run and kiss him one more time, but I know it won’t ever be enough. There will always be times of missed moments we could’ve had. She’s right though, we love differently, and we accept that our lives aren’t up to us.
“How do I do this as the girlfriend?” I ask Reanell. I’ve always been the wife. I was privy to the information and the support. As a girlfriend or whatever I am, I have no rights.
She snorts, “I’m the Commander’s wife, Lee. Any information, you know I’m not going to keep it from you.”
“I need to go,” I murmur. She looks at me perplexed. “I can’t watch the plane leave. There’s no way I can.”
Reanell nods in understanding. It’s one thing for me to be here to see him off, but watching his plane take off, that goes beyond my limit. I’ve tried in the last hour to put myself back to what I used to be. The military wife in me is rusty, and I know I need to dig deeper. I need to be the strong, silent partner and keep his mind as free as I can. It’s one of the parts I loathed. Being angry or upset, but needing to be happy and cheery when they call.
I learned very quickly how to mask my feelings and all the things that went wrong when Aaron was gone. I had to be a somewhat less creepy version of a Stepford wife.
I smile as I unlock the door to Robin. I sit in the driver’s seat and find myself grinning. He drove her here, so I get to drive her home. My eyes close as I inhale deeply. It smells of Liam, and if I try hard enough, I can almost feel him here.
“Okay, Robin . . . let’s see why he’s so protective of you,” I say to the car and decide I need therapy.
I look over at the passenger seat and there’s a note with a rose. I smile and try not to break down in tears.
Sweetheart,
You have my heart and now you have my car. Take care of both until I get home.
Love,
Liam
A small laugh escapes me as I start the car. The drive back to my house is a blur. I try to focus on the joy that awaits me. I haven’t seen Aarabelle in seventy-two hours, and I missed her desperately.
I open the door and she looks up. “Mamama!” she calls out and my heart swells with love.
“Hi, baby girl!” I call out and rush toward her. I scoop her in to my arms and nestle her close. “I missed you so much.”
“Hey,” Aaron’s voice is low and gruff. “You okay?”
I turn, wondering if he’s being serious or sarcastic. I decide serious. “I’m okay, thanks.” The small act of kindness means a lot to me. This is the Aaron I always tried to remember.
“The team get off okay?”
“Yeah,” I smile.
Aaron shifts his weight as Aarabelle pushes against me to get down. “Good. I’m glad.” He looks away awkwardly, and my chest hurts. This is hard for him, and I wish it didn’t have to be. It’s hard for me too if I’m being honest.
None of these issues are easy for anyone. It really sucks being an adult.
“How was she?” I ask, looking at her as she runs over to her toys.
He smiles and gazes at her. “She was great. Your parents left about an hour ago. They said they needed to get on the road. She’s amazing, Lee. You did such a good job with her.”
I try to fight the tears, but they come flooding forward. Between Liam’s farewell and then this . . . it’s too much. “I’m sorry,” I say trying to gain control.
Aaron’s arms are around me in a heartbeat. “It’ll be okay,” he comforts me, and I push back gently.
“Aaron,” I pause, “You don’t have to comfort me. This isn’t fair to you. I’m so sorry.”
I shouldn’t be crying in his arms. I won’t be that girl. This is no place for the weak. My emotions need to be better managed.
“I did a lot of thinking this weekend,” Aaron says as we move toward the couch. Aarabelle lifts her block and then shows me the other ones.
“Yeah?” I ask, watching my daughter in admiration.
“I realized how bad I fucked up. Lying to you, cheating on you, it isn’t the way it was supposed to be.”
This isn’t exactly the conversation I feel like we’ve been having lately. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I get it. I sat here this weekend knowing you were with him, and it fucked with my head. But if I didn’t know and thought you were on some girls’ weekend or something and found out, I’d kill someone.”
I sigh and wish this could’ve waited a little, but it’s the first time I feel he’s being sincerely honest. “The issue was the lies. You lied about Brittany. You lied about the baby, and then you went so far as to tell me it was a one-time thing. That’s not the man I loved. You and I had issues, big issues . . . but they weren’t something we couldn’t have tackled. We didn’t talk though, and it cost us everything.”
Aaron looks at Aara. “She’s the best thing we ever did.”
My lips turn up as I look at the reason for my existence. “Yeah, she is.” My eyes prick in sorrow. “It’s hard for me to know you were willing to throw it all away.” I look over at him and see him nod.
“You and I fought so much. It wasn’t a good time for either of us. Do you remember how much you hated me?”
Both of our guards are down, and we owe each other the honesty. “I didn’t hate you, I just didn’t like you. You were so angry all the time. Everything I did or said turned into an argument. Right now, you love Aarabelle and for that I’m so happy, but when I found out I was pregnant with her . . . you walked out.”
He stares at her and then turns to me. “I wanted her for you. But there was a huge part of me that worried how you’d ever survive the loss of another baby. So the pregnancy was another way I thought I’d lose my wife. And in a small way I didn’t think we deserved her.”
It’s heartbreaking how two people who genuinely loved each other can go so far off track. I had my fault in this. I pushed him away and made everything in our world revolve around getting pregnant. It was the only thing I could focus on most of the time. But I did try to be there with him. I never stopped loving him, and I couldn’t imagine seeking out another person. Aaron isn’t a bad guy, he made bad choices.
“Instead of talking to me though, you sought out another woman?”
“You know how you’re torn apart right now? You probably feel like you’re split in two. I know you love me, Natalie. I see how you want to hate me, but you can’t. We have a child, a life, and memories.” He takes my hand in his.
I look over at Aaron with watery eyes. “I’m begging you, please don’t do this to me today.”
My emotions are everywhere and today . . . I just can’t. It’s a conversation we could have tomorrow or the next day, because today my heart hurts. I miss Liam. I had to see him off, and it’s too much to process this heavy of a discussion.
“I’ve spent a year away, baby. I know who I want, and maybe with Liam away, we can find our way back. He’s not able to interfere and you’ll see I’m where your heart really is.”
“You couldn’t give me today? You had to say it . . .” I’m not even angry just hurt.
It was selfish to come at me about this today. He knows my defenses are down, and he’s fighting dirty. I don’t need selfish . . . I need strong. I deserve someone who’s going to take my feelings into account. With Aaron it’s all about him. He saw the opportunity before him and tried to break me. Liam may not be here, but that doesn’t mean my heart and soul aren’t filled with him.
“Lee,” he squeezes my hand and I pull it back. “I just figured . . .”
“You figured he’s gone and you have an opening. Knowing what it feels like to leave behind people you love and what he must be feeling. You’ve spoken to me the day after you left. You know how sad I was. This,” I point between us, “isn’t what we’re discussing today. I can’t even possibly think about us. So please, don’t be a self-centered asshole for today and let me put myself together.”
I stand, grab Aarabelle, and head into the kitchen. Too bad it’s not even noon or I’d contemplate a damn drink.
The routine over the next few weeks after Liam leaves is exhausting. I email every morning, usually I can catch him online and then we Skype. Seeing his face makes those days a lot easier. I don’t have to imagine the angles of his face or the way his jaw curves at just the right place. His blue eyes are the perfect color of crystal blue and the full- blown beard he sports makes me melt.
He’s there on my screen, alive and smiling.
“Hi,” I smile coyly.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Liam asks rolling onto his side. His shirt is off and he’s been doing that a lot lately. Not that I mind.
“Better now.” I sound like a lovesick twit. Which I guess I am.
Liam smiles and stretches, giving me a full view of his chest and abs. “Me too. Seeing you is the highlight of my day.”
“Put a shirt on.”
“Take yours off.”
I deadpan and wait for him to laugh, but he just raises a brow. “Fine,” I reply playfully and take off my top. I have my cute bra on and he leans in close as if that’ll help him see better.
“Bra . . .”
“Not happening, buddy.”
He huffs, “You get to see my chest, it’s only fair.”
I reach behind my back and then Aarabelle screams on the monitor. I laugh and sit up. “Looks like Aara has other plans. No dirty Skype session for you.”
“Ugh,” he groans and flops back. “Go get her, I want to see her too.”
I smile and get my shirt back on, “I’ll be right back.”
Liam nods and I rush into Aarabelle’s room. Aaron usually sleeps in the spare bedroom off to the right, but the last two nights he hasn’t come back. He’s been sleeping at Mark’s, or so he says.
“Wanna see Liam?” I ask her as she bounces holding onto her crib. She smiles and gives me my morning kisses.
“Aarabelle!” he exclaims and now is suddenly in a shirt.
She smiles and presses her hand by the screen. “Dadada,” she calls him and looks at me still beaming.
“Hi, beautiful! She’s getting bigger.”
“Yeah, she and I are both apparently gaining weight,” I laugh. I swear I’ve always been an emotional eater, but this is ridiculous.
“You’re both beautiful,” Liam says as Aarabelle tries to touch him through the computer.
“Dada, up?” she says with her arms raised.
“Awww, she wants you to pick her up.” I smile at how much Aarabelle connects with Liam. She calls Aaron the same name but she still won’t lie with him.
He tries and he’s a good father. Aaron is always here to put her to bed with me. He’s genuinely trying to be a part of her daily routine.
“I wish I could, pumpkin.” Liam’s face drops a little like the air was let out. It’s hard for all of us, but I can’t imagine knowing your family is home and living their lives while you’re gone. I hear some commotion behind him. “I gotta go, Quinn and Barnes just got here. I’m going to be down-range soon.” He looks at me, and I get what he’s trying to say.
He’s going on a mission and won’t be able to talk.
“Okay, stay safe.”
“Always, sweetheart. I’ll be in touch soon. Bye, Aarabelle.”
She waves goodbye and he blows her a kiss.
“I love you,” I say with my hand hesitant over the disconnect button.
“I love you, we’ll talk soon,” Liam says and ends the call.
I look over at Aarabelle who stares at the screen with her head tilted. “Dada,” she says looking back at me.
“Liam had to go bye-bye. Let’s go baby girl. Mommy’s gotta work.”
I take her into my arms and get ready to start our day. On the days I do get to see him, it’s harder to pretend I don’t miss him so much. When he’s on the screen, I don’t feel like he’s so far away. He’s in our house, in my room, but I wish he knew that he’s always in my heart.