“Come on, Lee. I need a reliable gym partner.” Reanell tries to pry me off the couch. The last thing I want to do is work out.
“Not this again. We barely lasted a week the last time.”
“When Mason gets back, I want him to see I have a nicely toned ass.”
She’s ridiculous. Reanell has one of the best bodies out of anyone I know. She eats like crap and yet somehow manages to stay looking like a swimsuit model.
“Go away.” I lie back down on the couch so she can’t get me up so easily. I’m not sleeping well again. I have horrible dreams of Liam being hurt where I wake screaming. Last night was so bad that Aaron came in to check on me. I was crying and flailing around.
Reanell lifts my legs and sits under me. “Still not sleeping?”
“Nope. Last night was the worst.”
“You know if I knew anything, I’d tell you. OpSec be damned. Mason told me all the cocks would soon be in the henhouse. So that’s good.”
We all speak in code. Operational Security is top priority when they’re gone. It’s one thing for the enemy to catch them because of whatever, but if it was because they heard somehow from our end, it would be unforgivable. Previously, Aaron and I had words that would alert one of us to where or what was happening.
It gave me a sense of solace through the dark times. It’s hard not knowing where or how long, and many of us have our ways of giving just enough information to keep each other calm. When they are deployed to Germany, you know they’ll be called out. But when you talk daily and then nothing . . . you can’t help but be scared.
“Mason needs a better phrase than ‘cocks in the henhouse,’” I giggle.
“He knows I like when he talks dirty to me.”
Aaron heads down the stairs slowly. “Hey.”
“Good morning.” I look at the clock. His schedule is completely off course. He can only sleep in small intervals, so he naps throughout the day. The doctors told him to rest and take it easy. He has counseling three times a week and physical therapy the same days.
“Mark is on his way over and we’re heading out for a while.”
Reanell slaps my leg and hops up. “I’m going to run. I’ll swing by and grab you tomorrow for the gym since you’re obviously not going today. But tomorrow—no bullshit.”
“Fine. Whatever.” I watch Aaron as he stares out the window. Sometimes he looks so lost and it shreds me apart inside. I wish I wasn’t responsible for some of it.
Reanell opens the door and gasps. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”
I turn to look and see Brittany standing in our doorway.
I don’t move or speak. I wait to see what he does. I’ve made it abundantly clear that we’re not together, so Aaron has a right to do what he pleases. But I can’t deny this hurts. For the first time, I can truly empathize with what he must’ve felt seeing me with Liam.
They’re both standing there looking at each other. Brittany has tears in her eyes and she waits.
“I’m sorry. I heard and I just needed to see if they were lying,” Brittany tries to explain as she looks at me, then Aaron again.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he says from behind me.
“You’re alive and . . .” The hurt rings loudly in her soft voice.
I grab my cup sitting on the table and start to head into the kitchen. I don’t want to watch this, and I don’t want to hear their conversation. It’s too much. I may love Liam and want to be with him, but I can’t sit here and look at Aaron with another woman.
Aaron grips my arm as I pass by stopping me. “Stay,” he demands. I look at him and he doesn’t take his eyes off me. We stand here as she waits at the door of our home.
“I can’t.”
“Because you still love me.”
“Because I don’t want to watch you with her. Because she represents the tear in our lives.”
His hand releases my arm but travels to my wrist. “I didn’t call or get a hold of you because I’m trying to win my wife back.” Aaron’s voice doesn’t shake. He’s strong and in control for the first time.
Brittany whimpers slightly, “I heard and I waited for you.”
I close my eyes and try to fight back the urge to scream.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Sorry?” she screams. “Sorry you loved me?”
Aaron releases my wrist. “No,” his voice softens a little. “We shouldn’t have been together. I fucked everything up for both of you.”
“So you’re going to choose her? What about the fact that she was with someone else?”
I keep my back turned because I’m barely holding on. All of the pain resurfaces. The lies and mistrust that hang heavy between Aaron and me. The nights I spent sobbing on the floor and waiting for him to come home. Times his aloofness left me wondering, but now I know—he was with her.
“She always would’ve been my choice.”
“You two need to talk,” I say and Aaron grabs my arm again.
“You’re a liar! You told me we were going to build a life together! You promised you’d leave her, and what? Now you want to play the doting husband?” I turn and see her face. Her hands are in tight fists hanging at her side. She looks at me and then back to him. “Was it her name you were screaming when you made our baby? No. So, fuck you and your bullshit apology,” Brittany cries and my pain streams down my face.
“Am I at your house?” Aaron yells at her.
“God, you selfish prick. You told me we would get married. You told me she was cold and barren. You said I was the warmth you needed and that I gave you something you never knew you were missing. I loved you. I gave you what you said you couldn’t live without.” Brittany’s voice is loud and full of hurt.
I hate her. I hate her for making me hear this. I hate Aaron for holding me here against my will.
“You two are the most selfish people I know. You deserve each other!” I cry out and Aaron’s arm drops. “How dare you come to my house? How dare you hold me here and make me hear this? This isn’t love. This is destruction. You don’t hurt people you love over and over,” I spit the words at him. “And you,” I turn my attention to Brittany. “You just can’t stop, can you? It’s not enough to ruin me twice, you needed to come back for the knockout punch? Is there a place you won’t hurt me? You slept with my husband, you got pregnant, and then when he doesn’t choose you . . . you come here. You want him? Have him!” I say and run up the stairs.
“Natalie, wait!” Aaron calls after me, but I keep going.
In the confines of my room, I pray I don’t have to hear anymore. The baby is what gets me every time. It’s the one part of everything, no matter what, I couldn’t forgive him for. I know it’s not for lack of trying that we didn’t conceive naturally, but they did.
A few minutes later Aaron opens the door. “Get out,” I say dejectedly.
“Lee, please.”
“No, I didn’t need to see that.”
He steps further into the room that was once ours. “I needed you to see. She isn’t my choice.”
“Aaron, you don’t get it.” I look out the window and let out a deep sigh. “She isn’t the issue, it’s us. Yes, we were going through so much with trying to get pregnant that I think somewhere in there we both broke apart. I wasn’t the woman you remembered, and you weren’t the man I needed. We failed each other. But instead of either of us talking about it, you went off and slept with her.”
He sits quietly at the edge of the bed. I’m not angry. I’m just over it.
“Not only did you have sex with someone else, you had an affair. A full blown I’m-leaving-my-wife-and-having-a-baby affair.” It reminds me of the second part of my argument. “Then you lied—again. You got back and told me it was one time.”
Aaron turns slightly and grabs my hand, but I snatch it back. “I knew I’d lost you.”
“Don’t you think we both deserve to be happy?”
“That’s all I want. I want us to be the way we used to be,” Aaron admits.
I wish he would understand me.
“We can’t ever be those people again. I’m not the same woman you married. I’ve gone through a lot. Learned a lot about who I am and what I want in life. I want a man to stand beside me and walk through the fire holding my hand. I want a man who, even though we’re not even dating, will leave a woman to come to my side at the hospital. Who will sit with me when I need it. Hold me when I cry and give me love even when it hurts us.” I stand and walk to the nightstand. I see the scrap of paper that came out of his clothing during my rampage. “I found this,” I say as I hand it over.
Aaron takes the paper and his eyes darken. “I was leaving you.”
“And you did that day.” I hold on to the back of the dresser feeling a little dizzy. Today has been crazy and I still haven’t eaten.
“I never gave it to you. I couldn’t.”
The words hang in the air between us, but they have to be said. The guilt of being the person to say them weighs heavily on me. “We need to separate. I need to move forward with my life.”
Aaron stands and takes my hand. “I never did this to hurt you.”
“How did you think it wouldn’t? Being pregnant while you had your mistress pregnant? Or sleeping with her and then coming home and telling me about how our child would finally be here? If you didn’t want to hurt me, you shouldn’t have kept going back. But here’s the thing—I love Liam. I know that’s so incredibly hurtful to you, but he’s who I want to be with.”
I could go further to tell him all the reasons why Liam and I are meant to be, but it wouldn’t help heal us. And for Aarabelle’s sake, we need to be civil, and truth be told, he’s been my best friend since I was a kid. Aaron knows about the first time I snuck out of the house and drank. He was the one who taught me how to drive a car. He carried me down the street when I fell and broke my leg. In his arms I remember thinking how we’d always be together.
I was young and naïve. It doesn’t diminish my memories, but it was an immature way of thinking.
“And if you and Liam weren’t together?”
I take his other hand in mine. “I would still be saying goodbye. I can’t get past the images of you two. I can’t forget the pain I endured alone during all of that. Wondering if you left after I told you about Aarabelle to go to her. These are the thoughts I play over and over. I can’t live like that. Then there’s the fact that even when you had all the time in the world to come back, be a different man . . . you didn’t. You lied to me—repeatedly.”
Aaron releases my hands and holds my face. “I’ll never know how I was able to do it to you.”
I hold his wrists and pull his hands down. “I’m not angry. I will always be your friend.”
My head starts to spin and I wobble a little.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Aaron asks, but everything sounds far away.
“I don’t feel good.” I sit on the bed and the room spins a little. “I think my blood sugar is low.”
“I’ll get you some juice.” Aaron leaves the room and I lie here thinking about all that’s happened the last few weeks. Him being alive, Liam and I dealing with the aftermath, Liam deploying, and now Brittany.
He returns and I sip the juice. I need to do better at taking care of myself. All of this stress is going to wear me down.
“Aaron?” I pull his attention back to me. “I want you to know I don’t hate you. Maybe if things had unfolded differently we wouldn’t be able to talk like this. But in a way, you being gone might have saved a lifelong friendship.”
He sits beside me. “I lost myself before the explosion. I loved you, but it was almost hard to come home. I would look at you and it was like we weren’t Aaron and Natalie. Does that make sense?”
I nod, “I get it. When you died, I blocked it all out. I literally couldn’t remember how bad things were. I needed to only remember how much I loved you and how wonderful you were. Then, it all came undone.”
“I think I’ll move out this weekend. I’ve been putting it off, but I can’t keep doing this. I’ll always love you, Natalie.” Aaron lifts his hand and then drops it.
I smile sadly. This is harder than I expected. I know where my heart lies, but having this conversation is immensely sad. The strings that tied us together will be snipped by our own choices. This isn’t death where you feel robbed of your decisions. “You’ll always have a place in my heart. And you’ll always be a part of Aarabelle’s life.”
He leans in and kisses the top of my head. The pain in his eyes breaks me a little more. Aaron doesn’t speak as he exits the room, and when the door shuts, I grab my pillow and cry for the marriage I just lost again.