Chapter Thirty
Holly
I spent the morning at church with my father. I sat near the back and listened to his sermon. My father always amazed me when he stood up to talk in front of a crowd. He was a shy man, but all that vanished the moment he got up to talk. He was extremely passionate about what he was speaking about, and it was obvious with every word he said. I sat there watching him, feeling proud of him. I looked around the room and saw that everyone was lapping up his words, eager to listen to his wise words of wisdom. I resisted the urge to scream, “Go Dad!” but I said it my head instead and smiled at him. I stayed back afterward to help clean up. My father was always very particular about the church. He wanted it to look good at all times, and he always did all the work himself.
“It’s nice to have someone helping me with this part the service,” he said.
“I’m happy to help, Dad. It goes quickly when there’s two of us anyway. You did great, by the way. I was so impressed.”
“That’s good to hear. You know, to this day I worry that I’m going to bore the crowd. I remember going to a lot of boring services when I was younger, and it’s worried me ever since. I want to spread the word and not bore people with the word.”
I chuckled. “Seriously? I didn’t know you worried about that. You’re always so confident.”
“Oh, that’s only what I want you to think.”
“You’re not boring at all, Dad. You’re amazing. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. I looked around the room, and not one person looked like they were falling asleep. And there’s always someone in service that doesn’t want to be there, so that’s impressive.”
He laughed. “You’re great for my ego, my darling. And you enjoyed it too?”
“I sure did.”
“Thank you. Now, I think we’re done here. You’re right. That went a lot quicker with the two of us working on it. How about we go home for some lunch? I could use a cup of tea as well.”
“Lunch and tea sound great.”
I was feeling good that morning. The service had gone well, and my father was in a particularly good mood. I wondered if today would be the day that I finally told him about Xavier. If there was ever a good time for it, today would be the day. I felt nervous and excited at the same time. I just wanted to get it all over with. We made our way back home, and I continued to talk to my father about the service. I wanted to keep him in a good mood no matter what it took.
When we got home, I made us both toasted cheese sandwiches while he made the tea and then we made ourselves comfortable in the living room to eat.
“Dad, I’m going to start looking for a job soon. I think I’m finally ready to move on. I’ve had a good break, but it’s time for me to work again.”
“I’m glad that you took a break at least. So, any chance you’re thinking of sticking around?”
I smiled. “Actually, I think I will. I like it here, and I missed home more than I thought I would. I’m going to start looking in this area, and I might need to hang around here a little bit longer until I get myself back on my feet again. Do you mind?”
He grinned. “Are you kidding me? That’s the best news ever. You know you can stay as long as you want.”
“Thanks, Dad. You’ve been great. Super supportive. I really appreciate everything you have done for me.”
“How lucky am I? Not many dads get to hear these words from their daughters. So thank you. I’d love to see you settle down here. Get a great job, find a nice man, maybe even marry in my church. How wonderful would that be?”
My heart was racing out of my chest. I took a deep breath. Now was the time. It was now or never. I had to do it.
“I’ve fallen for Xavier, Dad,” I blurted out and then stared at him in shock as I realized what I’d just said. He looked back at me. He was holding his sandwich about to take a bite and it now just hovered in the air.
He slowly lowered the sandwich. “Excuse me?”
I gulped. It was just shock. I just needed to explain myself, that was all.
“Look, Dad, I know this comes as a surprise to you. But it shouldn’t. You know that I’ve always had a soft spot for Xavier. I never realized how much I liked him until I came back, though. And he likes me too.”
“Tell me you’re joking, Holly.”
“Joking? No, I’m not joking, Dad. This is real. I’ve wanted to tell you for ages now, but I just haven’t known how to talk to you about it.”
“Ages? Exactly how long has this been going on?”
“That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I want you to support me.”
“Honey, I can’t support something that goes against what I believe in. This is morally wrong.”
“Is it, though?”
“Of course it is. And if you think it’s not, then you are just fooling yourself. This is a sin, and you know how I feel about that. A sin’s a sin, no matter what shape or form it takes. Come on, darling, don’t look so upset. You should’ve known I would react like this. I’m only looking out for my daughter.”
“You mean you’re looking out for yourself! That’s what you’re doing. So much wanting what’s best for me. You don’t care about anyone else but yourself.”
“That’s not true, and you know it.”
“You even made me go on a date with a man that you know would be awful to me. And he was terrible to me, Dad. Did you know that he tried to force me to kiss him? Did you know that? Did you know that Xavier was the one that came by at that moment and saved me from him? Of course you didn’t know that. Because Xavier is the bad guy in this equation according to you. You’re so busy preaching that you can’t see what’s really going on right in front of you. I need to get out of here,” I said and grabbed my coat.
“Where are you going?”
“I just need to be alone. I’ll be back later.”
I got into the car and ignored my father’s pleas. I needed some fresh air, and I drove without knowing where I was going. Without even realizing it, I ended up at my mother’s grave. I got out and walked to her tombstone. I sat down and looked at her name engraved on the stone. Why wasn’t she here for me? Where was my mother when I needed her the most? Fresh tears welled up inside me and dripped down my face. I thought when my mother left my father it was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I remember being so angry at the two of them for what they had done to me. Then she died and I was angry all over again. Angry that she had left me. When the anger was gone, I was just left with a deep sadness that I knew would never fully go away again.
“What must I do, mom?” I said. “Tell me what to do! I need you.”
I sat there for a while, just thinking about my life. I thought back to those times at school when I had been bullied by people who thought they were better than me. Just because I didn’t conform to their way of life, they had singled me out and teased me. And I had just let them. I was smarter than them and nicer than them, and yet I had let them walk all over me. I’d done the same when I’d gotten a job. I’d let those people do the exact same thing to me. I would pretend like I didn’t care, but of course, I did. Of course I cared. I’d done everything in life that I was supposed to do. I’d been a good girl. I’d gotten good grades; I’d kept my head low; I hadn’t ever tried to become friends with the popular kids. I’d listened to my father and made sure that he was always proud of me. But where had all of this gotten me? I had never done anything for myself. I was always thinking about other people. Now I was sitting here, crying at my mom’s tombstone. I had never felt more alone in my life. If I stayed with Xavier, my father would hate me. But if I listened to my father, then I would never see Xavier again. I lost no matter how I looked at it.
I wished, for the first time, that I had the balls to simply stick up for what I wanted in life, and I wished that for once someone would let me do something that I wanted to do. I wished that for once, someone would put me first instead of than the other way around.
I wasn’t ready to go home yet, and I knew Xavier was working all weekend. So I made my way to Andrea’s house. The moment she saw me, I burst into tears again, and she took me into her arms and embraced me. She let me in, and we sat in the living room with hot cocoa while I told her what had happened. It was the first time I had officially come clean to her about my feelings for Xavier.
“Am I a bad person?” I asked.
“A bad person? Why? Because you fell for Xavier? No way, Holly. You’re not a bad person. Your father is being unreasonable. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and Xavier being together. You’re not related. And you didn’t even live with him your whole life. That was such a small section of your life. He was never your brother, not even then. Tell me, does he make you happy?” she asked.
I nodded. “He does.”
“Then you should be with him.”
“What about my father?”
“Your father should know the difference between right and wrong. You should go after what you believe in. The two of you should fight for one another. Once your father realizes how serious it is, he will come around. He just needs to change his mind, that’s all. You might not have seen Xavier as a brother, but maybe he saw Xavier as a son. But he’ll realize that he’s not. It’s good that you’ve told him.”
“You think? Because I feel like I have messed everything up.”
“No. You haven’t. You did the right thing. He probably just needs time.”
“I hope you’re right, Andrea. Mind if I stay here a little bit longer? I’m not ready to go home and face him yet. I’m too emotional right now, and I don’t want to get into another argument with him.”
“You can stay here as long as you want. And we can talk about it all night if you want to or we can talk about something else. I’m here for you.”
I smiled at Andrea. I’d missed her so much. “I wish we had stayed in touch, you know. All these years without you. I was so lonely. I liked to pretend I was out there leading this great life, but the truth was that I missed having someone to talk to.”
“I missed you too. I’m glad we found each other again. Want to talk or do you want to watch a stupid comedy with as much chocolate as we can stuff in our faces?”
I laughed. “The chocolate option. Definitely the chocolate option.”
“Chocolate coming right up!”
I smiled gratefully at her. I wasn’t sure if I believed her that my father was going to come right, but I was glad that I had told him regardless. The truth had to eventually come out, and it was better that it had come from me.