Chapter One
Beast
There was a knock at my door once again. Hell, I couldn’t hear it, but I could feel the pounding against it since my living room wasn’t far from the door. Whoever it was wanted my attention, but there was no way I was gettin’ my arse up off the couch and away from the drink of straight whisky in my hand.
It’d been a few weeks since the hospital visit, and I’d hidden away feeling sorry for myself. And I didn’t give a fuck who knew it. I hadn’t left my house except to buy booze. I ordered food in, kept an eye out for it since I couldn’t motherfuckin’ hear the door unless they were being dicks like the person currently still at the front. The fucker must have been stomping their feet to make that much vibration in the wooden floor.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I dragged it out and looked at the screen; it was a little blurry with the amount I’d drunk, but I could work out it was from Dodge, Prez of the Hawks MC, Caroline Springs charter. Open your fuckin’ door or I’m gonna kick it in.
Shit.
I had a mind to ignore the fucker. Then again, no one ignored the president and got away with it. Lifting myself off the couch, I set my drink on the side table and stumbled over to the door and opened it. Without looking at him, I turned back around and made my way back to the couch. My spot was still warm as I sank down into it. I felt the front door being slammed shut and too soon, Dodge stood in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring.
My chin lifted in greeting, just before I picked up my glass and took another sip. His jaw clenched. He was pissed, but I could also see concern splashed across his face. Hell, why else would he be at my place?
Dodge shifted, and when he did, it was to pull a piece of paper out of his back pocket and hand it to me.
Slowly, I took it and just looked at it. I didn’t have a fuckin’ clue what it said, but since my emotions were shot to shit, a thought flashed through my head about the note sayin’ I was cut from the club since I was a deaf, dumb dick.
My body jerked when Dodge planted his boot into my shin. “Fucker,” I mouthed. His head gestured to the paper. Sighing, I opened it.
We’re worried, brother.
So worried we got Dive to talk to his old lady and her being also concerned, she confessed shit to him.
Fuck, brother. Why didn’t you come tell us yourself? No brother in the club deals with huge shit on his own. We got each other’s backs, no matter the goddamn situation. You don’t want all to know, fine. But Dive and I know, and we’re here to help you get through this shit and get you back to us.
Mena will be here soon. Knew you’d be in a shit way wallowing in pity. Get cleaned up. She’s gonna take you to a class in an hour where you’ll learn sign language. Know you, so I know you won’t want your brothers there, so Mena’s gonna teach me and Dive until and IF you want the others to know. But I’m tellin’ you now, brother, you got nothin’ to fear from us knowing. We’re family.
So go deal with Dive and me knowin’, but do it showering.
And when Mena gets here, do not give her shit about spillin’, or Dive will have your balls.
Fuck me. My throat felt thick. I’d finished reading, but I couldn’t drag my eyes away from the paper.
We’re family.
Mena had talked, and it didn’t surprise me, but she didn’t just blab to anyone. She told her man, who told our prez, and he was now standing in front of me.
He’d come to sort my shit out and get me clean to move the fuck on.
Didn’t he see I’d be useless to Hawks? I couldn’t hear if trouble came our way. I couldn’t stake shit out. Christ, even in a fight I wasn’t sure I could best a man again.
Still, he was there callin’ me a brother and stating we were family.
Maybe he had more confidence in me than I had in myself. Or maybe he just didn’t see what I saw, how useless I was to them all.
Another jolt of pain to my shin and he thrust his phone in my face. Stop thinkin’ and just do. You’ll always be a part of Hawks, and there will always be a place for you. Now get the fuck up and get showered.
Hell, was the guy a mind reader?
Didn’t matter. The depressing-as-shit emotions of “what if” were dragging me down. Dodge was there, he was the prez, so I did what I had to. I got up from the couch, gave Dodge the finger, which caused him to smile, and walked from the room to the bathroom.
When they’d figure it all out, about how I was no good for the club, I’d deal with it then.
Then again, my brothers were good guys. They’d probably let me work in the garage. At least I fuckin’ hoped.
Goddamn Dodge showing and takin’ me outta my own pity party, giving me hope. I just prayed it wasn’t fuckin’ false hope.
Hell, knowing my luck, it was.
I’d felt false hope before, during one night in a hotel room in Sydney.
Dumb cunt I was thought things would change, that a relationship could have been possible with a certain person. Shaking my head as I got undressed, I realised once more how fuckin’ stupid I’d been to think things could be different. I’d barked up the wrong tree, and it’d cost me.
Cost me fuckin’ huge.
After turning on the water, I waited for it to heat up and caught my own gaze in the mirror.
Haunted and dead would be the best way I could describe what I saw staring back. My eyes were bloodshot and tired. My skin pale and lookin’ lifeless. Shit, it looked as if I’d lost weight in the last few weeks, something that pissed me off.
Snorting to myself, I shifted into the shower and slipped the shower curtain closed. The water ran over my body, the hot water stinging my skin. Still, I welcomed the pain.
Pain was something I was used to.
Not only physical, from being the best and fastest I could, but mental pain. Both showed up in my life like we were old friends.
My dad was good with mental pain. I’d lost count of the times he’d called me stupid or told me I wasn’t worth shit. Even the kids through school taunted me, that was until I got stronger and they became scared to say crap like that to me. I’d moved outta home as soon as I could to get away from my dad’s vicious words. Moved outta home and found myself a new family with the Hawks MC. They took me as I came: silent, but a person who could be deadly. There I met Knife.
He’d already been a prospect at Hawks for a month before I showed. I’d seen Hawks MC around and liked what I saw. I wanted it for myself, so I joined. Knife and I, being around the same age, connected, and our friendship lasted over a decade, until I fucked it all up.
We’d spent most of our time together. That was if he wasn’t off fuckin’ all the pussy he could get. Hell, even before Dodge showed and took over as president, we’d been on the same way of thinking how Hawks was going to shit. We were gonna chance a meeting with the big boss, Talon, just before Dodge showed and things changed once again for the good.
Dealin’ in shit was something a lot of the members didn’t want, so when we got clean, we breathed easier, and it’d been the best fuckin’ feeling.
One month, though, and everything had gone down the shitter.
If I thought my life sucked back in the day, I’d been wrong.
I was at my lowest, and I wasn’t sure I could pull myself out, even with help.
Running a hand through my hair one last time, I turned off the shower and got out. Drawing in a deep breath, I found my balls and sucked in all the emotional crap. All I could do was see how things went. Drowning in my sorrows wouldn’t get me anywhere, but shit, it was something I wanted to keep doing for a little while longer.
Knife would tell me to get the fuck over everything. I wasn’t dead, so I shouldn’t act like it.
Fuck, I missed the dickhead.
The dickhead I’d been in love with for, Christ, too long to count. He never knew, never suspected I was gay. Shit, I hid it well by taking women to my bed. It was all a cover because I was scared about how the brothers would react. Then Pick and Billy showed, and after dealing with the woman they both loved, they fell for one another as well, and it surprised the hell outta me the brothers didn’t care.
The thing was, they had a woman in the middle to defuse other shit. Then there was Julian and Mattie, but they were in Ballarat, and I’d seen some of the brothers looking at them like they were freaks.
I didn’t want that. I’d played up to my image so fucking well no one suspected a thing. From the way I was built, looked, I shouldn’t want to fuck some guy. Shouldn’t want to date, love, marry, have kids with a man.
But I did.
I wanted it all. But I wanted it with a man who’d freaked after what we’d done in a hotel room in Sydney. He freaked so much, he got on a plane before any of us and took off home. He hadn’t spoken to me since.
I’d fucked it all up, screwed our friendship over me wantin’ something I couldn’t have with him.
I was to blame, and it fuckin’ crushed me.
We’d seen each other around but avoided one another.
Actually, that wasn’t right. He avoided me. I’d tried to get his attention, sent him texts, gone to walk his way. All failed.
He wanted me gone from his life.
The sting from it all still zapped me in the chest every goddamn day.
So it didn’t surprise me he was a no-show when I hadn’t been at the compound for three fuckin’ weeks. I got messages from most, except him. The person I wanted one from.
He didn’t care.
So it was time I didn’t either.
After gettin’ dressed in black jeans and tee, I pulled on my boots and left my club vest sitting on my bed. I didn’t have a right to wear it.
Not until I sorted myself out… if I could.
* * * *
Dodge
My brother was fuckin’…. Shit, I didn’t even know what he was feelin’, but I knew it wasn’t any good. His place was a mess. He’d been sittin’ in a dark room alone and drinking. His head was in turmoil about being deaf and where that left him with the brotherhood. I knew it was, because if it had been me, I’d be thinkin’ the same goddamn thing.
It was time to help the brother out. But in doin’ it, we’d have to go slow.
Christ, when Dive came and told me Beast, a brother, could no longer hear, I felt it deep.
He thought he could fight this shit on his own. He was wrong.
A soft knock came to the front door. I stalked there and opened it, finding Mena shuffling from one foot to the other. Lookin’ over her shoulder, I spotted Dive in his pickup. I gave him a chin lift, and he took off. Not that he wanted to; he would have come in and talked to Beast, but Mena had suggested things would be better if the words came from his prez and her since she went to the hospital with him.
She’d been right. The way I found him, he wasn’t ready for anything, but I’d force things on him because I refused to lose him as a brother.
“How is he?” Mena asked as I stepped back and she entered. A frown marred her face as she took in the place. I went to the blinds in the living room and spread them wide. “Not good,” Mena answered her own question.
“Babe, all we can do is be there for him. Still, it’s also good to give the fucker some tough lovin’. He’s showering and going with you to the class.”
She nodded. “Good. Um, have you, ah… Knife, has he been to see Beast?”
“Darlin’, it’s best we leave that shit alone.”
“Do you know what’s—”
“Mena, babe. No, and it ain’t my business unless one of them comes to me.”
“But they were so close.”
“Yeah, and something happened. It’s for them to sort that shit out.”
“What do you think—”
“Sorry, darlin’ but I ain’t talkin’ about this with you.”
She nodded and huffed out her breath. Good to see a woman of a brother worrying about another brother. But the women needed to learn the men didn’t gossip about each fuckin’ other. Whatever the issue was between Beast and Knife, was with them. Even if I had an idea of what it was, I had to tell my own woman to stay the fuck outta it. If it caused the club trouble in any way, it was then I’d wade in. Until then, it was their problem to sort the fuck out.
It just sucked it was this way because they’d been close.
Closest brother Beast had ever had. He’d been one to keep to himself, and I was sure he’d had past shit to deal with, but I didn’t push myself on him.
Not until now.
How-fuckin’-ever, I wasn’t risking losing him to something like being deaf.
Life went on, and he’d soon see it.