Chapter Five
Knife
Obsessed.
It was the best way to describe my actions recently. I was fuckin’ obsessed with learning sign language over the net. I was also obsessed with knowing who in the fuck that Ben guy was who taught the class to Beast and the others.
It was lucky I’d made friends with Mary at the counter, and she’d let me slip by to watch the class through the door. Told me how good of a teacher Ben was. Yeah, right. I’d been there the day Beast and Mena went to the front of the class to talk to fuckface. I’d seen the way he eyed Beast up and down like he wanted to goddamn eat him alive.
Why did I care so much about that look? I didn’t have a clue, not until I’d found myself following Beast to a burger place where he met up with dickhead. Was it a date? If it was, why did that thought burn my gut?
As I sat in my car out the front, I put my feelin’s down to the fact I was worried Beast had found a new friend who’d understand him better and what he was goin’ through. I’d left shit too long, and now he was movin’ on to find newer friends.
Ones who looked like he wanted to take a bite outta Beast’s cock.
Fuck me.
Why in the hell did I care who took a bite from his cock? I shouldn’t have been even thinking about his dick.
The bastard had messed with my mind with that incident at the hotel. Never in my life had I thought about a dude in that way. Hell, I wasn’t gay.
I wasn’t.
Women were it for me. Their sweet bodies, their warm mouths, and their tight, wet snatches.
What I needed was to get laid. It’d been a while since the last club slut I took to my bed because my head had been messed up.
Wait a fuckin’ second. Beast and the dude walked outta the food joint smiling and talking with their hands. I hadn’t seen Beast smile in a long time and he was wasting them all on him.
Jesus. I wanted my friend back.
Usually, it’d be me and my antics that brought a smile from Beast’s usually sober expression.
Christ. What was wrong with me?
Thinkin’ of Beast smilin’, watchin’ Beast on a date… if it was a date.
I clenched my jaw at the sight of the cunt reaching out to touch Beast’s arm. That hand would sure look good shoved down his throat.
Fuck it. I had to do somethin’. It was obvious the absence of not havin’ Beast around was makin’ me think of him in more ways than I should when I wasn’t into dudes.
It was time to gain back what we’d lost before that night.
Throwing my door open, I climbed outta my Jeep and slammed the door shut. Beast, of course, didn’t hear it, but Ben did. Meant he could hear. So why was he teachin’ a class to deaf people? Maybe he did it so he could pick up men? He wasn’t anything special, so he could be hard up to find a date. Instead, he preyed on his students.
When the dick’s eyes landed on me across the road, they widened. Beast, seeing his reaction, turned his gaze my way and then narrowed. Still, I gave him a chin lift before I started my way over.
Ben signed something to Beast who nodded. “Hey,” Ben said as I stopped just in front of them.
“S’up?”
“I’m Ben. Maddox says he knows you.”
My jaw clenched. My nostrils flared from hatred raging inside of me.
Maddox.
He called him Maddox.
“Knife.”
Ben’s head jerked back before he asked, “Sorry?”
“Name’s Knife, and his”—I pointed to Beast—“is Beast. You don’t get to call him Maddox. Did he tell you he’s a part of a MC club?”
“Yes.”
My eyes narrowed on Ben’s lips when I saw them twitch. “You findin’ somethin’ fuckin’ funny?”
Beast reached between us and clicked his fingers. When he had Ben’s attention, he signed something. If I caught it right, he’d asked what I was saying. Ben replied, but I didn’t watch what he said. I was eyeing Beast as he followed Ben’s hands. Only maybe I should have been watching Ben because the way Beast’s eyes widened and swung his gaze to me was suspicious.
Beast started to sign, his hands flying like a pro, so I missed most of it, but lucky Benny wenny was there. He translated. “He’s saying, what gives you the right to come at us like you are? Who in the fuck do you think you are by stating I call him Beast instead of Maddox? Who does this shit? As far as he knew you were out of his life.”
My eyes stayed glued to Beast as he ranted at me. He was pissed, and I couldn’t blame him. I had no right to even be there saying the crap I did, but I was fuming, and when that happened I went with it without a coherent thought.
I’d fucked up. Again.
Still, before I left them to whatever was happenin’ between them, I lifted my hands. Never out of your life.
Before I turned and made my way back to my car, I caught Beast’s eyes widen.
* * * *
Beast
Hadn’t seen the fucker in nearly two months and then suddenly he appeared when I was out with Ben and knew, fuckin’ knew, I was deaf.
He’d signed.
How in the fuck did he know?
Was it Mena, Dive, or Dodge?
Shit. Fuck me.
The way he walked over like his anger was hangin’ on by a thread; but why was he angry in the first fuckin’ place? He had no right. He didn’t.
As I watched him stalk back to his car, I couldn’t help but want to run after him and yell some more. Seein’ him after so long… Christ, it was like my eyes wanted to drink the sight of him in. My body hummed and wanted to reach out and touch him, make sure I hadn’t imagined he was standing in front of us spouting the bullshit he had been.
What in the fuck was he going on about?
Jesus. What a goddamn fuck-up.
Glancing to Ben, I signed I was sorry for my brother.
He shrugged. I thought he was an old boyfriend.
My head jerked back, and then I threw it back and laughed. Shit, if Knife heard that, he would have kicked Ben’s arse. I shook my head as my laughter died. No, hell no. We were friends. Shit went down, and we’re not so close now.
His brows rose. You sure?
Nodding, I also moved my fist up and down for the sign yes. Anyway, see you at the next class.
He grinned. Looking forward to it.
As Ben walked off, I sighed in relief he didn’t try any shit on me. I wasn’t in the mood. In fact, it had darkened when Knife showed up. I had an urge to drive to the compound and confront the idiot about how he showed, said shit, and left. Acting as though he had my back and it hadn’t been two months since I’d seen him.
Maybe it was time to move shit up, see my brothers and explain what had happened. Besides, even though I had some savings, didn’t mean I didn’t need to get back to work.
Shit, seeing Knife had me thinking things with the rest of my brothers wouldn’t be so bad. How he found out, I didn’t know, but I would find out. However, the fact he’d obviously found out and then went out and learnt sign language somehow meant a shit-ton to me.
Meant he’d accepted it, and me like that.
My phone vibrated in my pocket on the way to my car. It’d been too cold to ride my baby. I pulled my phone out and stared down at the screen.
Knife.
I didn’t open it until I was seated behind the steering wheel.
Look. Didn’t know who that guy was. Thought he was hassling you. I snorted. That was the biggest load of bullshit I’d heard. Still, I read on. Sorry if I fucked anything up with you and him. He thought I was on a date. So he had come to the conclusion I was gay from that night in the hotel room. At least it was out there, not that I was ready to tell the whole fuckin’ brotherhood. Just want things to go back to how they were. Gonna be the biggest pussy here and say I miss your ugly mug around the compound. Yeah, I know you can’t hear. No one told me. I saw you go into that place one time. But why you haven’t come back to the compound is fucked up. No one will care. You’re still a brother, always will be.
I acted like a dick after… I shouldn’t have been that way. I just didn’t expect, you know, that to happen. You flying that way doesn’t change anything either. Just look at the brothers with Pick and Billy. They won’t give a fuck. Just like I don’t.
I was a dick. I’m always a dick, and you know this. Now, you’re gonna get over it and we can get back to what we had?
Christ, trust the fucker to end the message like that. Like I had to get over the way he was because he apologised. He didn’t know how hard it would be for me. Not only to forget the way he acted but to be around him. The brothers I could handle.
Knife I couldn’t because I was in love with him.
Had been since in our twenties.
A decade and a half in love with a man who would never see me that way.
I was fucked no matter what. But I knew not having Knife in my life would be harder.
Throwin’ my phone to the seat next to me, I started the car, watching the gauges kick to life. Then I rested my head on the steering wheel.
Fucking hell.
Leaning back, I picked up my phone and typed in six words back to Knife. Over it. See you next week. There was no chance I would mention that night to him. He wanted to forget, fine. I could live with that since it freaked him the hell out so much. It was a night we’d have to put behind us. It was gonna be hard every time I saw him not to think of it and the way he kept it going. The way he didn’t run until after we’d both finished. But I’d deal. I wasn’t losing the club over it and him. And there was no way I was letting the club lose me. Fuck anyone who says shit about me. Seeing Knife did one good thing, and that was fill me with strength. It was time to get on with life.
I sent off another text, one to Dodge asking for church when I came back, but how I also wanted Mena there so she could translate what I wanted to say.
Dodge’s response was quick. Glad to have you back, brother.
I pulled my car outta the park and drove home calm and smiling.
To start with, finding out I was deaf had been scary as fuck. Not a day or night went by when the demons didn’t feed my fears. Shit, for a while I wanted to end my life.
However, with time, I learned it wasn’t so bad. Hell, I wasn’t dead. I was still livin’, breathin’, and feelin’.
It took time to deal with it, but I wouldn’t be the only one going through shit like that, and I wouldn’t let it beat me down.
I had support.
Brothers.
They’d trusted me in so many situations. It was time I trusted them.