22.
I DO:
Powerful two little words that actually mean, ‘I will love you, take care of you, serve you, protect you, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.’
Before I joined my parents, I looked at Ryder and said, “Thank you, Ryder. You’ve been very kind to all of us. I guess this is the last, huh? I'll call my parents after a week to tell them that it’s over. Don’t worry. I'll make sure nobody blames you. I’ll tell them that I want to stay single for a while. To… date around…”
“Do you?” he asked bitterly.
I raised a brow. “Do I what?”
“Want to date around?” he asked.
I laughed… to cover up the pain that I feel inside… and to hide the truth behind the lie that I’m about to say.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I turned away because I couldn’t bear to lie to him anymore. I joined my family for the pictures. Ryder took a picture with us, too.
I tried to laugh, dance and chat with as many of my relatives as I could. I was avoiding Ryder. I didn’t know what to say to him. More than anything, I didn’t want to feel any more pain. I had gone from one major heartbreak to a love unrequited in less than one year.
In truth, when he asked me if I really wanted to date around, what I really wanted to tell him was… No. I just want to date you… for real.
The evening wore on. I hadn’t spoken another word to Ryder again. I managed to evade him. We didn’t even dance a song.
It was time to go. Most of my relatives had gone home. I said my goodbyes to my parents. Bryan had a smirk on his face in one corner. When I looked at Geena, she had a wistful smile on hers. I knew I couldn’t stay mad at her forever. It was pointless. Bryan was nothing to me now anyway. So I gave her a slight nod… to give her hope that forgiveness would come… in time. She took a deep breath and it seemed to me like she was on the verge of crying.
I felt Ryder stand behind me. I finally turned around to face him. The look on his face was somber and cold, like he was bottling up all his anger, sadness, and frustration until he is in the clear to let hell break loose.
“You can’t avoid me forever,” he whispered.
“I wasn’t…” I started. But what’s the point of denying the obvious?
He raised a brow at me. I met his gaze evenly. “Let’s go home. Say your goodbyes to my parents. It will be the last you’ll see of them.”
He narrowed his eyes. Then he walked towards where my family was. He shook my father’s hand and he gave my mother a hug.
On our way to his car, my father called out to him, “I will hold on to your word, Ryder.”
Ryder nodded. “Yes, Sir.”
When we climbed into his car, I glared at Ryder. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” He started the engine.
“You have to tell me!”
“No, I don’t,” he said.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s just between your father and me,” he replied.
I sat back on my seat, fuming by the second. How could Ryder make a private conversation with my father? What did he tell him? Why was my father asking him to keep his word? Was there a secret that my father told him that Ryder promised to keep? Was this about money or some investment that my father was going to make that Ryder agreed to help him with?
I’ll call my parents to tell them that Ryder and I are over. I will have to break this fake engagement. It won’t help if Ryder continued to rub elbows with my father. I already knew and admitted that I was in love with him. I wanted this engagement to be over and done with so I could begin another journey into the healing process. It may feel worse this time around, but I’d been here before and I survived it. I was a rock!
What do they say? “Every day is a test. If you wake up alive today, it means that you got an “A” for yesterday!” I got over Bryan. I would get over Ryder too.
Ryder didn’t betray me when he slept with Alizia, or if he tried to start things with her. He’s absolutely free to do whatever he wants with his life. He actually held up his own life in lieu of the big favors I asked of him.
I was so bent on thinking that he and I could never be that I didn’t even notice what was happening to me… that I was falling in love with him for real. I was stealing moments of heaven with him thinking that they only happened in dreams, that I forgot the fact that you cannot cheat your heart and my heart didn’t know it was just a game… my heart thought that we were for real… that I could have him for my ‘ever after’.
Had I figured this out before, I would probably have tried to confront my feelings and see if I could try existing in Ryder’s world… even though I was scared. Now that Alizia had officially entered the picture, it reminded me that if I really did love Ryder, I should let him be happy… with one who’s fit to be the wife of a tycoon and can raise future tycoons in accordance with the norms of the upper class society. One whom his family would easily accept.
That’s Alizia. Ryder deserved Alizia. For all the good things that he was, he deserved to have a perfect life, free of complications of geography or status in life.
We reached my home. I knew I couldn’t force Ryder to tell me what his deal with my father was, but I could always pick up the phone and call my dad. When I tell them that Ryder and I are over, my father will tell me the deal with Ryder and hopefully not pursue it anymore. Ryder need not be tied down to do favors he shouldn’t be obliged to do.
I turned to him. “Thank you, Ryder,” I whispered. He was looking at the road, his expression cross. He didn’t say anything. “For everything. From the beginning… you have done more than your part and you’ve done it beautifully well. It was… a great ‘fake’ relationship.” I giggled humorlessly. “But you know… it has to end some time.”
He sighed. “Yes. It has to end.”
I bit my lip to prevent a whimper from escaping my lips. That hurt. I knew that it had to end, but hearing Ryder say it broke my heart ten times more. It was as if he just put out the last glimmer of hope that I had in my heart.
“I don’t want to cause problems between you and… Alizia. I know she won’t be happy about this, even if you tell her that you were just doing me a favor.”
He didn’t say anything. He continued to stare at the road aimlessly. After a full minute of silence, he got out of the car and opened my passenger door for me.
This is it! This is probably the last time I will see him. The last time that he will exist significantly in my life.
I got out of the car and we headed towards my door.
I turned to him and smiled. I knew that smile looked horrible. I was trying my best not to cry. I missed him like crazy already.
“Thank you for coming with me,” I whispered. “And thank you for pretending to be my fiancé for… more than half a year. You were wonderful, Ryder. You’re everything a girl could ever ask for. She’s a very lucky girl.” And then I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared down at me with that grave expression. I stared back at him and I knew he could see the tears in my eyes.
I turned my back on him and headed towards my front door. I knew I could only hold back the tears for less than a minute longer.
Then I heard him say, “Alizia and I are nothing.”
I turned around to look at him. “What?”
He took a deep breath and took a step closer to me. “When you came to my house that night, she was there to use the bathroom. Said she can’t use the toilet in the bar and she had to change her clothes or something. If it was a ploy to seduce me, I want you to know that she didn’t succeed at it. Nothing happened. I took her back to her hotel just as soon as you walked out.” When I looked up at him, I thought I saw a glimmer of light in his eyes. “You know I don’t like aggressive women… and over the years, I’ve mastered the art of dodging them.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s actually none of my business. Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want to know why you came to my house that night,” he said. He was staring at me intensely. “The truth, Astrid. I think I at least deserve that!”
The intensity of his look and his voice almost scared me and made me want to run away. But I knew he was right. He deserved the truth. No matter what he decided to do with it.
“I wanted to get my answers…” I said. “I wanted to know what we are… what we could be…”
“You went out on a date,” he said, a trace of annoyance still evident in his voice. “Are you opening yourself up to a possibility of a relationship?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I whispered softly. “I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that… I was single.”
“You weren’t single, Astrid!” he said agitatedly. I stared up at him. “For months, you were in a relationship… with me!” His voice and his words made my mind go blank. “You were just too stubborn to admit it, Ash! And I put up with it! I waited! Until you’d finally be ready to admit it to yourself!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It wasn’t all fake for Ryder! It was easy enough for him to treat me like a princess, to answer to my whims… because for him it was all real.
Then his expression softened. “And I would never touch Alizia,” he said. “Because I would never cheat on you, Ash.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was more confused now than a few moments ago. Now, more than ever, I did not know what Ryder and I were anymore. There was a thin line between pretending and reality.
“Maybe it’s time we finally settle the score. Here. Now,” he said sternly.
I stared up at him. He stepped closer to me and stared at me deeply.
“Are you ready to have a relationship, Astrid?” he asked seriously.
I took a deep breath. I nodded. Because, honestly, I thought I was.
“Are you ready to be with me?”
He asked me the question I wanted him to ask. I knew the answer to that question now more than ever. In spite of all my fears, all my insecurities, all my uncertainties, I knew what I wanted now. It may be a dream, but I wanted it. And I knew in my heart, that I had to fight for it. Because Ryder was really worth it!
But when I stared up at him and saw the cold expression on his face, I couldn’t find my voice.
“Do you even want to be with me?” He rephrased his question. But still I couldn’t answer.
Ryder narrowed his eyes. He looked angry, frustrated, and broken all at the same time. He shook his head in disbelief and then turned to walk away. I knew I should say something, or this moment would pass and I would regret it forever.
“I want to be with you,” I croaked. “Only… you,” I added quietly.
He turned back to me. Somehow, something in his expression changed. The cold and angry expression was fading from his face. He took a step towards me. He looked at me deeply, reading every emotion in my teary eyes.
I took a deep breath. “But I’m scared, Ryder…”
He drew a deep sigh of relief. “Oh, God, sweetheart…” he whispered and the next thing I knew, I was enclosed in his warm embrace. The embrace I missed so much. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks.
“I’ve been burned and deceived in the past. I was scared for that to happen again. I prevented myself from falling in love with you. Because I knew we didn’t exist in the same world. I didn’t want to lose you in my life. And I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.”
“Why would I hurt you? I, more than anyone, know the hell you have been through,” he said.
“Why me, Ryder?” I reminded him. “I have nothing to give you in return.”
“I already have everything,” he said. “You’re the only thing I want.”
“I’m not glamorous, I’m not rich, and I’m not fit for someone like Ryder Van Woodsen. I’m not what your society or your family expects or wishes for you.”
He laughed and hugged me tighter. “On the contrary, you’re exactly what my family would wish for me. I think you will dazzle my society without even trying. And maybe you don’t know that Ryder Van Woodsen didn’t want a rich wife. He just wanted a woman who would love him even if he was poor.” Then he pulled away from me so he could look into my eyes. “And that’s you, love.”
“You may want me now, Ryder. But for how long?” I asked.
He kissed my forehead. “How about forever and after that?”
I looked up at him. “How could you say that?”
He laughed and pulled me to him again. “Let me tell you a story that will perhaps ease your mind,” he said. “I told you before that someday I’d tell you why I am doing you all those crazy favors… well, there’s something I should have told you a long time ago.” He took a deep breath.
“When I was a teenager, girls would come easily to me and Jake. We got chased, not because of who we were, but because we lived in mansions with limos, shiny cars, bottomless pockets. Plastic girls who wished to be a part of the big pie. Jake’s been in love with Janis almost all of his life, and we’ve known each other since we were kids. Janis was just as rich as Jake so he’s assured that she wasn’t after his money. He was lucky. In that aspect, I envied him. Ever since I was young, I wasn’t into womanizing… I grew up thinking these girls only wanted my money. I wanted to find one like Janis, who loved Jake for who he really is. Not because he was an heir to a huge inheritance. And in this day and age, it is difficult to find someone like that. Who would like you for who you are inside?
“One day, I walked into a jewelry shop to buy my mother earrings. I accidentally bumped into some clumsy girl. Her scent filled my senses and to my greatest shock, she hugged me and cried in my arms, without even looking up to see who I was. It was the first time in my life I felt needed. Not for my money… but for the warmth, comfort, and protection I could provide.
“When I looked down at her, I saw a beautiful, but torn and broken soul. When I walked into that jewelry shop, I couldn’t get her out of mind. She got under my skin the minute I saw her. I didn’t complete my purchase. I ran out of the store to start looking for her. I went into my car and rounded those streets for like an hour searching for where she could have gone, afraid that I may never see her again.
“And then one night, when I was doing my rounds at Oil Rig, I saw her again, sitting alone in the bar, trying hard not to look miserable. I knew I had to meet her, but I wasn’t used to picking up girls, or trying to start a conversation with one… so I took off my jacket, borrowed a cap from one of my bartenders and went to the counter to take her order.
“When she told me her story and told me she needed help, I just couldn’t resist. It was the easiest way for me to see her again. At that point, it didn’t matter what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to get to know her better and I’d like to see her again, so I agreed to help her. I saw her spirit and her will to survive through her pain and humiliation, and I admired her even more. And for the first time in my life, I felt like someone liked me for me… it didn’t matter if I was poor. I felt lucky that night. For once, a woman enjoyed my company without knowing who I really was.
“The investment, I did it partly because I saw the potential in it. Another part wanted me to give her a fresh start. Because the sooner she gets over her past, the faster I can start to pursue her. But sooner or later, she had to find out who I really was. And she didn’t like me anymore… didn’t like me as much as she liked the bartender she met.
“And somehow, no matter what I did, the issue of my birthright got in the way. To make things worse, I go crazier and crazier about her every day. Believe me, I never hated being Ryder Van Woodsen in my entire life. But I did. Because I wanted her more!”
I listened carefully to his story. I couldn’t help whimpering, crying rivers of tears silently in his arms.
“The bet that I had with Janis and Jake wasn’t that serious. If I didn’t have a girlfriend by then, I would just pay for their entire honeymoon when they get married. I was planning to give it to them anyway, as a wedding gift. So it didn’t matter if I lost. But by then, I was already losing her… I needed to come up with a quick plan to keep seeing her. And when Janis reminded me about the bet, an idea crossed my mind. I took her to Miami, not just to win the bet, but also to make her fall for me. But this girl can be pretty stubborn sometimes. She was all bent up in her beliefs that no one could change her mind. But I put up with it. I was willing to wait for as long as it took because ever since I was a teenager; I was hoping to find a woman who would love me for who I am inside. And I know that the fact that I’m Ryder Van Woodsen prevented her from taking a chance on me.”
He pulled away from me so he could look into my eyes. I stared up at him, not able to stop crying. It seemed like I could see Ryder’s soul in his eyes... like he was baring it all for me.
“Every time we pretend we’re together, that was the only time I could freely express what I really feel for you, Ash. I express how much I wanted to take care of you. How much I wanted to hold you in my arms, and make love to you. Whenever I was your fiancé, I picture how life would be like when we’re truly together… and I know it would be perfect.
“When we stop, I had to pretend I don’t feel anything for you, I held back every bit of emotion. For a while now, it seemed that whenever I pretend to be your fiancé, that’s when reality starts for us… when we go back to being just… friends… that’s when we start to pretend.” He took a deep breath and leaned forward to kiss my forehead again.
“You were so convinced that you don’t belong in my world… but you don’t realize that I belong to you! For months now, Ash… you call me, I answer in one ring. Anything you want, doesn’t matter what time or where I am… I pull it off for you. Didn’t you ask yourself why I was going to hell and back for you?”
I giggled in spite of my tears. “I thought you were just crazy about saving poor damsels in distress.”
“I was crazy about you,” he said. “God! I’m still crazy about you!” Ryder pulled me to him again and locked me into a tight embrace.
“You said I was having a relationship with you…” I started.
“It felt that way to me,” he said. “We’re on the phone all the time, you have keys to my house, I’m at your beck and call… really, Ash? You didn’t notice?”
“You tricked me!” I said giggling.
He shook his head. “I wanted you to realize that it didn’t have to be complicated. I wanted you to get used to a life with me… and I was hoping you’d find it comforting… that you could handle it… that I was far from the rich assholes you met in your life. So when you’re finally ready to admit to yourself that you’re ready for a relationship, I would be the first on your list… regardless of whether I was Ryder Van Woodsen or not.”
I closed my eyes and savored Ryder’s scent, and his warm embrace. I realized that he was right. I’d been living in his world for months, and he never judged me, or disappointed me. He was the sweetest thing I knew. I don’t know how his family would react to me… but I knew this guy would fight for me. And that’s all that matters.
“I cannot help who I am, Ash,” he said wistfully. “I cannot change who I am. I will always be Ryder Van Woodsen. But I want you in my life. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life! I’m willing to wait for as long as it takes. I’m even willing to honor your ‘no sex before marriage’ policy, if that’s what it takes, and I will do it better than Bryan ever did. I’ll fly back to Malibu for you as often as you want. Just… trust me, take a chance on me. And I will do my best to make you happy.”
I smiled at him. “I am happy, Ryder. With you… in this fake relationship we’re in. What would it be like if we do it for real?”
He smiled back at me. “A hundred times better,” he promised.
“Don’t make any promises you can’t keep,” I warned him. “I’ve had my fair share of broken promises already.”
“I know. I'm not making any promises I can't keep. I promise if you take a risk with me, it will be a hundred times better!” he said seriously.
I stared up at Ryder’s eyes. The truth was I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. I may be scared, but I wanted him more than anything in the world. He was right. It doesn’t matter whether or not I was ready for a relationship with him. Sometimes, the only thing that mattered was the way we felt… what we wanted. After all the pains I’d been through with Bryan, maybe I really did deserve a life with Ryder. Maybe Geena was right. I had to feel the pain of a broken engagement with Bryan because he wasn’t the one meant for me. Someone better was.
Finally, I smiled at Ryder. Then I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on the lips. He savored that kiss, as if he’d been dying to kiss me for days.
He took a deep breath. “I love you, Astrid Jacobson. More than I’ve ever loved anybody. You… are my life. I will take care of you, I will protect you. I love you! I love you! I love you!” he said. Then he leaned his forehead against mine. “Give me your answer, Ash. Will you risk being with me? For real?” he whispered against my lips.
I closed my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so overwhelmed with what Ryder said. I could hardly believe my ears.
When I finally found my voice, I said. “I went out on a date just to prove to myself that I was ready… but when I was there with that guy, all I could think about was that something was wrong, like I was cheating. When I saw you, I felt so guilty and so scared. I couldn’t even kiss the guy… I could not fall for any other guy or date anyone else. That is why I came to your house that night.” I took a deep breath. “I love you too, Ryder. I guess that gives you your answer.”
He smiled, a genuinely happy smile. Then he leaned forward and kissed me very thoroughly. He kissed me with all his heart, all his soul. He kissed me like he couldn’t believe he was kissing me for the very first time in his life, like he didn’t want to let me go ever again.
When he pulled away he smiled at me and said, “It’s good to kiss you like that and know that I wasn’t doing it for the show… or that kiss didn’t have to be over soon enough.”
I knew exactly what he meant. That kiss felt like… unlocking all the chains I built around my heart. Then the intensity of my love for him swept through me in waves I could barely contain. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I realized how close I had come to losing him… to making the biggest mistake of life.
I tiptoed and kissed him again. He kissed me back as hungrily as I did. Then he leaned his forehead to mine and took a deep breath. When he pulled away, he picked me up on my feet and carried me in his arms, back towards his car.
“What are you doing?” I asked, giggling.
He smiled at me. “Taking you home.”
He carried me to his car and settled me on the passenger seat. He drove to his house. When we reached the door, Ryder picked me up again and carried me inside his house.
“Welcome home, love,” he said to me. “Your ‘ever after’ starts now.” As I looked up his face, he was just as sincere as he was boyish. This was the Ryder that I missed. The real Ryder. And when he said that my ‘ever after’ started now, I wanted to cry again. I held on to him tighter and buried my face on his shoulder. I silently prayed that this wasn’t all a dream because I didn’t want to wake up from it.
He took me to his bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He took off his jacket and kicked off his shoes.
I laughed when he leaned down towards me with a mischievous smile on his face.
“Hey, didn’t you say you were going to honor my no sex before marriage policy?” I asked.
He raised a brow. “I did? I don’t remember!”
He leaned down to give me a kiss on the lips. He looked down at me and in a more serious tone he said, “Yes, I did. And I’ll do it… all you need to do is ask.”
I smiled at him. I was tempted to. But I’d been on that road before. What was the point of holding Ryder back when we’d already shared many nights of passion, and my body craved his helplessly?
I shook my head. “I’m not going to,” I whispered to him.
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Because whatever you say now becomes your final answer. You can’t change your decision half-way, love.”
I laughed. I shook my head and then I pulled his face towards mine and gave him a kiss. “I’m sure.”
He smiled at me and then he kissed me hungrily. I kissed him back, letting that familiar desire for him envelope me completely. He undressed me, kissing every bit of skin he exposed. I kissed him as hungrily as he kissed me. He looked at me in eyes dark with desire. Without taking his eyes off me, he claimed me, finally making us one. I let out a loud moan. Ryder swallowed them with his kisses. Then he leaned his forehead against mine and sucked in a deep breath. “I love you, Astrid! You have no idea how much!”
Panting, I leaned forward and kissed him back, saying, “I love you too, Ryder. Maybe just as much as you love me.”