25.
VELLUM:
A thin, transparent or semi-transparent type of paper the effect of which resembles a frosted glass, commonly used in wedding invitations.
Ryder.
When I woke up at the hospital, my first thought was that I was late for my meeting in Malibu. I just opened Oil Rig and would soon open another bar, Rig Style.
When I opened my eyes, my family and friends were staring back at me curiously, all with tears in their eyes.
That’s when I realized that something must have happened to me. Judging from the throbbing pain I felt in my head, the fact that I could barely move my body due the tight bandages wrapped around me in the rib area, I guessed that I was in a car accident.
Damn! I wonder which of my cars I have to say goodbye to. I hope it’s not my McLaren. I just bought it a month ago and the price was not sweet at all. I would hate to say goodbye to it so soon.
When I spoke, I told a joke and everybody around me laughed in relief. I called each of them by name. Then, my eyes landed on an unfamiliar face.
Strawberry blonde hair. Exotic, mesmerizing eyes. Legs that seemed to go forever. Curves that all seemed to be at the right places.
Who is she? What is she doing here with my family, looking torn and relieved at the same time?
In spite of myself, my heart hammered inside my ribcage and my pulse doubled its pace. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was… enchanting. Beautiful. I studied her further. Her skin was flawless and creamy. Her eyelashes were long and even though she has circles around her eyes that seem to say that she hasn’t slept in days, she still looked mesmerizing.
It took me a moment to realize that I was actually dazzled by her. I, Ryder Van Woodsen, cold and proud of being fully in control of my testosterone levels to prevent a woman from having power over me, am experiencing intense waves of desire for a woman I haven’t seen before in my life.
She looked at me with hopeful, teary eyes.
What? Is she expecting me to know her name?
Is she one of Paris’s friends? Or maybe Janis’s? I didn’t think I died, so how come I see an angel before me? I don’t know her. But damn! I’m interested. I would definitely get to know her.
Her perfect lips were quivering, as if the suspense was killing her. She was expecting something from me. What?
Actually, she wasn’t the only one expecting me to say something to her. Everybody in the room fell quiet, looking at me, waiting for me to say something… to this woman.
Well, right now, there are a hundred things I would like to say to her. But I would rather say them when we’re alone… hopefully with a bed nearby. My mother would be scandalized if she knew my exact thoughts about their guest right now.
I opened my mouth, and the first thing that came out was, “Who the hell are you?”
Everybody gasped. And she looked devastated. Soon, I learned that her name was Astrid. And apparently, she introduced herself to my family as my girlfriend.
Damn! What does she think of me? Or my family? That we were a bunch of morons?
Nice try! The little chit thought she could cheat her way into my world. Where did she come from? How did she even know me? I was certain I haven’t seen her before. I would have remembered.
I gave her one last look before they were all shoved outside the room. She was in shock, as if she didn’t know what hit her. Funny because I thought I was the one who got into an accident.
For hours they ran their tests. My mind was floating. I was barely aware of the questions they asked me, which I answered absent-mindedly. About eighty percent of my consciousness now focused on the bombshell waiting outside with my family.
Why did she introduce herself as my girlfriend? Did she plot the whole thing, and think I wouldn’t wake up to call her on her bluff? I wouldn’t be surprised if her next trick included telling my family I got her knocked up. Gold-diggers these days are getting more and more creative. But this one… she looked so naïve, so innocent.
Ten bucks say she won’t come back to see me again. She had been discovered. She would probably slip away slowly because the minute my father realized she was lying about being my girlfriend, he would call the police on her.
What a shame. She was so… beautiful. And just the mere thought of her had me reeling with desire.
Damn! Something must be seriously wrong with me. A potential crook or mercenary has gotten her hands into my family and all I could think about was getting under the sheets with her.
Finally, they finished the tests. The doctor was explaining to Jake and me some retrograde shit. I couldn’t care less. As long as I was strong enough to stand up, I would be out of this place in no time.
When the door opened again, I watched the people coming in one by one. I scanned their faces, hoping to see her again. But just as I suspected, she was gone. She fled!
A lump formed in my throat and my heart felt like it had been twisted tightly. Damn it! I don’t understand this. Why do I feel like this? All because I didn’t see her again?
I was really disappointed. Something about her piques my interest to the highest level.
My family kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. They said therapies would be done and I should be all right. I don’t know why they fuss so much. I’m okay. I feel fine. It’s just a bunch of broken bones.
Everybody left after an hour. Only Jake and Janis lingered a while longer.
“We… thought it wasn’t a good idea for you to see Astrid yet,” Jake said.
I stared at him for a long while. “Where is she?”
“In your… she’s home,” Janis replied. But I didn’t miss the first response she was supposed to say. Is she in my apartment? Well, that’s fresh! Who the hell is this woman?
“Who is she?”
“She is… your girlfriend, Ry,” Jake said. He took a deep breath. “But with your amnesia, unfortunately, you wouldn’t remember her.”
Amnesia. The word registered in my mind for the first time today.
“What?”
Jake blinked back at me. “Weren’t you listening to the doctor, man?”
I shrugged. “I figured that’s what you’re there for,” I replied.
“Shit!” Jake cursed. He stared back at me. “You have retrograde amnesia, Ryder. You lost a year of your memories.”
If I was heating up with desire at the thought of Astrid a while ago, now I felt like ten buckets of ice have been poured over my head.
One year. I lost a year of my memory. I took a deep breath and stared at my best friends again.
“One year?”
Jake nodded.
I figured it shouldn’t matter a lot. I could read about the current events on Google. I would ask for month per month reports on my businesses and I should get everything back on track. I would check all my bank accounts to make sure I didn’t squander my money over the last year.
It doesn’t matter, right? After all, nothing much could happen to me in a span of one year. Right?
I asked them about Oil Rig and Rig Style. Apparently, I have two bars in Malibu now, perfectly operating well. I just opened another branch in Manhattan and all my bars are doing perfectly well. Paris is managing all the ones in Manhattan. Why I allowed that, I don’t know. Apparently, I invested in a wedding events business that just opened about six months ago and is now doing well; I was contemplating on branching it out in New York. Astrid is heading this company.
I pressed the skin between my eyes. My head suddenly hurt with all the information that I got from Jake and Janis. It was like looking at my life in full fast forward. Except that it doesn’t feel like my life at all. I don’t remember any of this.
And there were some that didn’t seem right. Like why the hell would I trust Paris to handle my business? I’m quite territorial and meticulous with what I do, particularly with my ventures. And I don’t invest in things I absolutely have no experience, knowledge, or interest in… like wedding planning. For starters, I don’t even think I would be married at all. I don’t believe in marriage. Can’t really blame me for the ideal setup my parents have, right?
Did Astrid make me do all these things? How did she convince me to put up a business for her? How did she make me… weak? Gullible?
“Ryder… Astrid is your…” Janis started.
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it,” I cut her off.
“But you have to! You’re in love with her!”
I raised a brow. In love? No. Ryder Van Woodsen is not capable of falling in love. Especially, with a woman he doesn’t know or hasn’t known for a long time. I’ve made sure of that. For years, I have mastered the art of dodging feminine charms for fear that they were just after my money. I learned well from my father’s marriages, thank you very much!
“Ryder, Astrid is the woman you have been…” Jake started.
“Save it,” I said. I shook my head. “I don’t want to hear about it. Whatever she’s done, it wasn’t good. I know now I’ve made stupid decisions in the past year. I don’t want to hear how I’ve been gullible enough to fall for her charms. So please, if you want this friendship to not end, spare me the details about Astrid. I don’t want to hear them.”
“She’s hurting! She was worried sick that you wouldn’t wake up from your coma. That you wouldn’t survive this accident,” Janis protested.
I laughed humorlessly. “Well, she shouldn’t have been worried that I was in a coma. She should be scared now that I’m awake.”
“What are you going to do?” Janis asked, fear evident in her eyes. Yeah, this is one girl who knows me too well.
“I will fix my life,” I replied. “I will undo whatever stupid things I’ve done in the past. And I don’t care who gets hurt in between. It’s time to put a stop to this Astrid’s manipulating spells. They won’t work anymore.”
Janis gave me a shocked look. She took a deep breath and then she balled her fists. For a moment, I thought she was going to attack me, broken ribs and all. But Jake held her firmly by the waist.
Jake gave me a look of disapproval. “Ryder… there’s about eighty percent chance you’re going to recover from this amnesia. And I guarantee you… you would regret it if you go down this path.”
“Then I’ll take full responsibility for all my actions,” I said confidently. I’ve lived all my life without a woman and I was happy. Why would I regret it if I wake up from this, and Astrid was gone? Life goes on as usual.
Tears spilled from Janis’s eyes. Damn! What has Astrid done to my best friend? Janis was tough and feisty. Why is she crying for a girl we didn’t even know? A girl who doesn’t even look like she was one of us. A girl who might have a hidden agenda underneath her innocent and sweet façade.
Janis stood up from her chair and headed for the door. She gave me one angry look and then she slammed the door behind her.
I stared at Jake, who looked like he was trying his best to understand me, but underneath that calm face of his, I know he was also raging mad.
“I won’t regret this,” I said to him. “You know me.”
He smiled bitterly. “That’s the problem, Ryder. I know you too well. And I know that when you do wake up from all this mess, you would wish you never survived this accident at all.”
Then he stood up and left without another word.
Great! Now it’s me against everybody. What has that woman done to everybody in my life?
I thought about her mesmerizing eyes, which were unique and interesting. Suddenly, I wanted to stand an inch away from her, just so I could tell what her exact eye color is. I know it isn’t blue. It’s something more beautiful and enchanting. And how she managed to enchant each and every one around me is beyond my understanding. But I intend to change that. Regardless of whether Jake was right or not. Regardless of who will be the casualty in the end.
***
I heard the sound of sweet laughter in my ears. I reached out for her and enveloped her in my arms. She stared up at me; her violet eyes were enchanting me. Wow! So violet eyes do exist. And the woman in my arms was beyond beautiful.
She wrapped her arms around my neck to pull me down for a passionate kiss. I completely drowned. I lost myself in her. My heart felt like it was bursting with emotions. Emotions I felt only for the first time in my life.
“I love you,” she whispered to me.
I took a deep breath and took in her sweet familiar scent. I love you too. I wanted to say, but I when I opened my mouth, no words came out.
Then I saw tears in her eyes. Her soul was visible in them. She was sad. And I felt an unfamiliar feeling inside me like I wanted to comfort her and make everything right again, so she could smile that sweetest smile for me again. I felt like I wanted to kill anybody who would put tears to her eyes. She doesn’t deserve to cry. She was too beautiful to be miserable. I felt like I would do anything to make her happy.
“Come back to me, Ryder.” I heard her whisper. And I felt my heart shatter at that very instant. I wanted to tell her that I would come home soon. That she should wait for me. I wanted to wrap my arms around her again, see the love in her violet eyes shine for me. But when I reached out, there was only darkness. She was gone. But her scent lingers in my arms. Her memory faded into darkness. And all of a sudden, I feel empty and broken.
I opened my eyes. Light streamed from the window. And I realized that it was just a dream. I dreamt of a woman. Who she was, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember her face, only her violet eyes and the memory of her scent still lingered with me. I remembered how I felt when I held her. It was like I was home. I haven’t felt like that before. Weak and yet, it seemed like I was the strongest I could be. Different, and yet, complete. Lost and yet, there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
The door opened, bringing me back to reality. My sister was staring back at me with a hard look on her face. I took a deep breath. I realized that the scent of the woman in my dreams still lingered with me. I closed my eyes for a moment, and for a while, I thought I remembered that scent. It seems familiar to me. But I can’t remember why. What does that scent remind me of? Or maybe I should ask, who?
“She was here,” Paris said, walking towards the side of my bed. “We told her to stay away for a while, but she just couldn’t help herself.”
I stared back at her and her face was the same as it always was. Stoic. Paris is good at hiding her emotions. She’s actually good at hiding many things. But she just doesn’t know that I know almost all of the things she tries to keep to herself. She doesn’t know that I know underneath her sweet, haughty princess façade, is a rebel on fire.
Like right now, I know she is raging with anger. She is just better at keeping her emotions in check than I am. And for a woman, that’s a very admirable trait. I pity the guy who would one day try to win her heart. I pity the guys my father tried to set up to be her husband. They all fell to her feet and not one of them actually became successful at making her fall in love.
Paris is a hopeless romantic. Not many people know that. She’s had boyfriends before and had fallen in love more than once, but after a heartbreak or two, it looked like she just gave up. Her more important mission now, it seems, is to prove to my father that he could never manipulate her into marrying a man he chose for her. And for years, she’s always been successful. Until now, he worries for her future. He wasn’t always there for her. And I think he feels guilty for that. He wanted the best for his daughter, and he wanted to make sure she would marry well. The last thing we want is a scumbag who would use her and squander the wealth that was hers from the moment she was born.
“Did you see her?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“Good.” She murmured. Finally, someone who was on my side.
“It was right for you guys to tell her to stay away from me,” I said. “Permanently.”
Paris raised a brow at me. Anger flared in her beautiful green eyes again. “Oh, I’m sorry bro. I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t asking her to stay away from you for your own good. It’s for her own.”
I stared back at her, seriously confused. I thought this girl looked up to me like I was her hero.
“From the moment you woke up, all you did was crush that poor girl’s spirit, Ryder! The old you wouldn’t be so ruthless,” she said. “I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch you beat her over and over again. That’s why I wanted her to stay away until… you’re you again.”
Oh great! So now Astrid got to my baby sister, too. What is it about that woman?
“Paris… there’s no point fighting about this okay? Aren’t you glad that at least you still have a brother?” I asked.
Guilt crossed her face. And then she sat down on the bed beside me. She sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I am glad that you’re back. I just… hope you would be your old happy self again.”
“I am happy,” I said.
She shook her head. “No, you’re not, Ry.” She sighed. “I saw you that morning of the day of the accident. You were… in heaven. You talked like you couldn’t believe what was happening to you. There was a permanent smile on your face, and your eyes were sparkling like you were mad.” She smiled bitterly at the memory. “That’s happiness, Ryder. When I saw you that morning, it made me wish…” She swallowed back a sob. “It made me wish I could fall in love again. That I could smile like an idiot like you were. The first time you saw me, you gave me a hug, lifted me off my feet and spun me around like I was still six years old. I knew that you really were happy.”
I listened to her in shock. The person she described wasn’t me at all. What did I smoke that day?
“Was I high?” I asked.
She giggled. “No, you idiot,” she said. “You just came back from Malibu. And you told me you were actually thinking of flying back there in the evening. I thought you were crazy for even thinking you could go back and forth from Manhattan to Malibu every day!”
“Okay, I thought you said I wasn’t stoned. Because that doesn’t sound like something a sane person would do.”
“Yes, you were crazy, Ryder. You were crazy in love with Ash,” Paris said sadly.
I felt overwhelming sadness fill me all of a sudden. I can’t understand it. But at that moment, I felt miserable. As if I remembered feeling all the things that Paris said, but even before I try to grasp on to that feeling, it was gone. And for that, I suddenly felt angry. I don’t know why. I don’t even know who I was mad at.
“Paris, please,” I whispered. “Could you leave me be for a while?” I asked, turning away from her and closing my eyes.
I heard her deep sigh of frustration. And then she headed towards the door and closed it behind her.
There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted Astrid. I could feel desire reel through me at the mention of her name. But at the same time, I can’t remember feeling all the things that my sister and my friends were saying to me. I can’t feel the love they desperately wanted me to remember. Lust is different from love.
And the lunatic my sister described to me was not me at all. Did I become a whole different person because of her? I like being me. I’m happy being me. I’m contented with my life. I don’t need to change for a woman. Moreover, I don’t need to be weak because of her.
For years, I have been careful not to fall in love. Love means weakness. And I can’t bear the thought of being weak… not even for one second. I can’t bear to have another person have full control of my life, or my emotions. I built a Goddamn shield to keep feeling emotions that would lead to my fall someday.
I don’t know the guy my friends and my sister kept describing me as. That was not me. That guy is an idiot! He sounded like he’s ready to give up everything he worked hard for, his wealth and his life, and hand it to a woman on a silver platter.
There was only one woman I would have wished for if ever I would fall in love at all. A woman who would love me even if I weren’t Ryder Van Woodsen. Somebody who wants me even if I don’t have money in my pocket. But reality check! My family was too popular; my name always rang a bell. I was probably one of the most eligible bachelors in the city, even in the country; I was easily recognizable and wanted. By wanted I didn’t mean, women really wanted me. They wanted the heir of the Van Woodsen multi-billion dollar empire.
No. It’s impossible to find a woman who would really like me for who I am. She doesn’t exist. I could only hope to marry well to ensure the family wealth stays intact and my wife does not use her status to extort me for all I was worth. That was the plan. I was okay with that. That was my reality.
But my friends were telling me differently. How the hell did I let go of all I believe in for a woman? How the hell did that woman get through my shield?
Maybe it’s a good thing that I lost my memory. Because I have been given a chance to undo this foolishness without the complications of the so-called undying-love I apparently have for her.