30.
TULLE:
A kind of textile that is lightweight and has very fine netting, usually used for veils.
Ryder.
I was dreaming for sure because I haven’t felt like this before. It was like I was in a trance, and I don’t ever want to wake up. I felt the surge of emotions sweep through me in tides that I could not control. I gave up fighting. I gave in.
I crushed her into my arms and kissed her the way I have wanted to kiss her since the first time I laid eyes on her at the hospital. The way I always wanted to kiss her whenever I looked at her.
I know I shouldn’t let my guard down. But there is something about this woman that draws me in, and drowns me.
The minute she walked into the house, her scent captured my senses. If I close my eyes, I could swear that I know that scent well. But when I look at her, I can’t place her.
I listened to her sweet voice and I could almost say it was familiar. But I don’t remember a thing. I still do not remember her.
Astrid confuses me in many ways. Maybe that is why I was not ready for her yet. Everything was in place. I am okay. I am stable even with this stupid cloud in my brain. But when she’s around, she throws me out of balance.
Like… my mind tells me one thing, but something else inside me is fighting for her.
When she touched me a while ago, I felt my nerves jump. I felt her skin against mine and it was comfortably familiar. But I don’t know her. And I don’t trust what I do not know.
She melted in my kisses. I tasted salt on her lips and I knew she couldn’t stop crying anymore. And for the life of me, I wanted to make her tears stop! Something about her makes me want to protect her… always.
I carried her to my bed. I told myself to be careful, but I just didn’t care anymore. I gave in to my desires. God, I wanted her with every fiber of my soul. I have never felt like this before. Usually, I’m attracted to a woman physically. No emotions involved. And it had never been this strong; it made me abandon sense and reason.
We had sex. No, this was not sex. This was not just lust. This was something else. Something I could not place.
I couldn’t get enough of her. It was like I have been so thirsty for a long time and now I find myself drinking in her, getting intoxicated by her.
She was like a drug I didn’t know I craved. Something I needed, and wanted without me knowing it.
When I made love to her, it was like… feeling lost for a very long time, and then finally finding my way back home. It was comforting, satisfying, exciting, confusing, and scary all at once. And I don’t want it to ever end.
She screamed my name when she reached her peak, and it was the loveliest sound I have ever heard in my life. Familiar, and yet strange at the same time.
It was like a sweet episode of déjà vu that I did not understand. It felt like the first time for me, and yet I also felt like I have done this a dozen times before.
And when we were done, I gathered her in my arms and held her tightly, breathing in the scent of her, understanding for the first time in months, what my sister, my mother, and my friends have been telling me since I woke up at the hospital.
I was head over heels in love with this woman.
I heard her quiet breathing in the darkness and I smiled to myself. I kissed her bare shoulder and held her against me tightly.
My consciousness does not remember her. I don’t recall what I see. But her scent was all too familiar, the feel of her in my arms felt like something I would die to go home to everyday.
I don’t remember her, yet. But I know I am going to. And even if I don’t, how can I forget this night? The feel of her in my arms, the magic of this lovemaking will haunt my dreams, even my waking hours.
Maybe she really is a witch. And she’s got me under her spell—again! And unlike the time I found out about her when I woke up in the hospital, I was not mad at all.
Tomorrow…
Tomorrow, things would be different for her. Tomorrow, she will not hurt because of me anymore. And for the first time in months, I felt the lightness in my chest.
I hugged her to me tightly. I fell asleep with her skin keeping me warm, and her scent intoxicating me.
When I woke up, my arms immediately reached out for her, to gather her against my chest and hug her, as if it was second nature for me to do that. But all I felt was the cold sheet and the empty space she left.
I opened my eyes and found her gone. I felt a deep sense of loss. Far worse than when the doctor told me I lost a year of my memories.
***
I don’t know how long I lied down on the bed, just staring at the ceiling, trying to get the image of Astrid, as well as her scent and the feel of her skin, out of my head.
What’s worse, I was trying my damn best not to feel this… black hole inside my chest. This is new to me. I don’t know why I feel like this, but damn! I hate it.
I wondered if Astrid felt like this now. Maybe even worse. And I wonder how she hasn’t brought herself to hate me yet. I would hate me if I made me feel like this!
I stood up from the bed and put on a pair of pajama pants. I stared at the bed we laid in last night. Images of the passion we shared flashed through my mind. I remembered her scent again, her warmth, the way she screamed my name…
When I came down, I found that she had taken her box with everything of hers that was ever in this house. Then her check was on top of the table, along with my house keys and car keys.
I felt a stab of pain in my heart again. Something I cannot name makes me want to cry. Shit! I’m becoming a girl!
She returned my money in full. The whole nine yards. And that made me feel sad again, as if I just severed another connection with her. Now more than ever, I felt that pulling the plug on her was a bad idea. It was the wrong decision. Janis was right. I would regret what I did.
She didn’t even take the severance pay that was stated in my contract with her. It was not a small amount. Most women would be happy to jump at that opportunity. But Astrid… didn’t invoke it even though she will win in every court she brings that paper to.
Instead, I remembered how she squeezed my hand last night, and told me that she already owes me for helping her get back up on her feet, and that was enough for her.
I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on my deck. I remembered how she looked last night—sitting beside me, her hair being blown by the soft breeze, her scent filling my senses.
I just couldn’t get her out of my mind!
I was not usually like this. Even after I have slept with a woman, I do not remember every single detail that happened the previous night. And her scent does not remain in my memory in the morning. Moreover, when I find her gone from my bed, I would be more than happy. I never feel like this. Lost… yearning… confused.
Just when I promised myself that I would treat Astrid differently starting this morning, she was gone.
I promised I would forever turn off the ‘asshole mode’ as she would like to put it. Thinking about that word brought a smile to my face again. She has a sense of humor in spite of what I put her through.
I stared at the beach in front of me. I thought about everything that happened the previous night again. Every single detail is vivid in my memory. The woman… her scent… the touch of her skin… the sound of her scream… Damn! I need a cold shower again!
After showering and changing into a pair of linen pants and a white button shirt, I opened the vault that I kept in the house, just curious what I will find inside. After all, I lost one year’s worth of my memories. I don’t remember the password. Luckily, I had fingerprint identification as a backup. The vault opened for me.
I found some papers for Oil Rig and Rig Style. Contracts and investment data. I found about four different expensive watches. A couple of diamond ear studs.
I found the copy of the contract I signed with Adam Ackers for Astrid’s company. He was right, I signed it, flawlessly. The strokes of the signature didn’t show signs that I had a gun to my head or I was high on something.
Then I found a small black box that said ‘Harry Winston’.
My heart hammered in my chest as I opened it. Why do I have a Harry Winston ring?
It was a beautiful diamond ring, at least two carats, surrounded by smaller diamond pieces, set on a platinum band.
I brought my fingers to it. A flash came through my head.
I walked inside the jewelry shop and something bumped into me. Before I can even look down, I felt arms wrap around my waist and I found a sobbing woman in my arms. She hugged me. As if I was the only thing she needed to ease her pain. And she doesn’t even know me, didn’t even see what I looked like.
Warmth filled through me. She smelled of strawberries. She felt like fine velvet in my arms.
Then she looked up at me and I found the face of an angel. She was so beautiful, my breath caught in my throat. It took me a moment to compose myself and ask her if she was fine. She apologized and then walked away.
Even when she was gone, her memory lingered. It was the first time in my life somebody needed me… without even knowing who I was.
I took a deep breath. It’s not my imagination. That was my first memory of Astrid coming back to me, bringing with it unfamiliar emotions I could not understand.
I stared at the ring again. Somehow, I remembered the girl who hired me to pose as her fake boyfriend and rent a diamond ring to give to her by the end of the night. She wanted to get back at her ex-fiancé for giving her a fake diamond ring. She wasn’t just in it to get even. She was going for the kill.
I can’t believe her ex proposed with a fake ring. What a loser! And my heart went out to Astrid. She was so trusting; she didn’t realize that the ring that was given to her didn’t hold any value. She didn’t care. She was getting married to the guy and she was happy. She didn’t look much on the ring to notice it wasn’t really a diamond. Some women would have their rings appraised immediately after it was put on their finger. But Astrid was different. She didn’t care. And she happily planned her wedding.
So I thought I would give her a real ring. I saw that ring in the shop and I immediately thought that it belonged to her, that she deserved it.
But she returned it to me. A thirty thousand ring and she wanted nothing to do with it.
“You’re not going to trick me into wearing this ring,” she said. “You know I will be returning the ring before I go.”
“I’ll find a reason soon enough. And after that, who knows? You won’t be taking that ring off your finger ever,” I said.
I squeezed the skin between my eyes, trying not to get overwhelmed by the memories that were slowly flooding through me.
I guess I was really wrong about her. Like what my mother, my sister, and my friends were saying to me. I was very wrong about Astrid. I immediately assumed she was like my father’s wives: gold-diggers.
Damn! I called her a mercenary! She must have wanted to whack me in the head when I said that. Well, I wanted to whack myself in the head now that these pieces of my memories of her are slowly coming back to me.
I tried to think harder, trying to see if some more memories have been unlocked. When there was nothing, I checked the vault again. Searching for more clues that will help me get closer to waking up from this nightmare.
I found some pictures in the vault too. I am guessing these came from Janis. Once in a while, she would send us snapshots of our moments together.
One picture was of me with Astrid, Jake, and Janis. I was holding Astrid in my arms and we were both laughing. I looked at myself in the picture. I looked… really happy.
I flipped the picture over and there was a caption at the back.
Keep dreaming! I looked at it closely. It was my handwriting. Why would I write something like that?
I found the manual of my house alarm. I have scribbled the password at the back page. 278743. That didn’t ring a bell at all and I wondered where I got the number.
Then my eyes drifted to the touchtone phone. I looked at the buttons. 2-7-8-7-4-3. A-S-T-R-I-D.
Even my password is her name? I must have been really in love with this woman.
I took a deep breath. Maybe she’s not the one who needed something from me, like what I accused her of. I was the one who wanted her in my life. Like what my best friends were saying to me. She didn’t want anything. She only wanted me.
Shit! What have I done?
And even though I only have fragments of my memories back, I cannot help feeling remorse for what I did to Astrid. I treated her like shit. I insulted her more than once. I wanted her to give up on me.
Even now, when my mind is telling me to stay away, my heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces. There was something missing in my life, and I feel like dying. I didn’t know that I needed her… until last night.
I dialed Jake’s number.
“Ryder.”
“You’ve been holding off information about Astrid… because you know I didn’t want to hear it,” I told him. “I’m listening now.”
“Why do you care?” Jake asked.
I heaved a frustrated sigh.
“I don’t know, man. I never felt like this before.”
Jake let out a humorless laugh. “Funny, that was the same thing you said to me when Astrid found out you were the investor in her business. You told me how you cheated Janis and me on our bet. The whole charade you put up with her and how that was the only way you thought you would be able to get her to fall in love with you, because she doesn’t want anything to do with Ryder Van Woodsen.
“Had you been Ryder Woodson, the bartender, you two would have been moving in together by then. But since she found out who you were, she didn’t want you as more than a friend. She said you were too complicated for her.
“Man, you were in trouble. You were so crazy about her. And you hated the fact that she didn’t like you because you were rich. You got your wish. A woman who would love you for you, not because you were Ryder Van Woodsen. You can’t change who you are. But you still wanted her. So much so you would have renounced all your wealth that was given to you as an option.
“She wanted to be equals. She didn’t want to be called a gold-digger. She was afraid that she would be judged. She didn’t want that. But you wanted her to take that chance. Because you would never let anyone hurt her. You would protect her.”
I sighed in remorse. “And the person I didn’t protect her from… was myself. You guys were crazy about her. You accepted her. Defended her. I was the only one who judged her, scrutinized her, and doubted her. I deliberately insulted her.” I was silent for a long while. Then I said, mostly to myself. “I don’t know her that well. I can’t be in love with her…”
“Ryder…”
“But damn, why do I feel so… heartbroken right now?”
“Because it’s your brain that got messed up, man,” Jake said. “Not your heart. And your heart… knows her.”
I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths one at a time. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming, or throwing the phone across the room. “How bad was I?”
“Before the accident? Very bad!” Jake replied. “Man, you wanted to renounce your claims to your family’s wealth. You hated being you, being the Ryder Van Woodsen. All because she didn’t want anything to do with you. The only thing that prevented her from accepting you is the fact that you were too rich for her.”
“And when she thought she could trust me, the first thing I said to her in the hospital was… I thought she was a gold-digger.” I said sadly.
“Yep. You’ve screwed up, man,” Jake said apologetically.
“I have to fix this,” I said. And I knew I meant that.
“Why? Do you have your memories back?” he asked.
“No. At least not all of them,” I replied. “But I know someday I will. And I don’t want to wake up that day thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life. If you say that I would have risked my whole fortune just to be with her… and I feel like shit now even without completely remembering her… I must have really loved her. And I want her to be there when I finally wake up from this nightmare.”
“Good luck, man,” Jake said. “You’re going to do need it. Astrid is a hell of a girl.”
“She must be… for me to go nuts about her,” I said. “She must have been really worth it.”
I hung up. I went to my room to change my clothes and then I quickly gathered my car keys.
It’s going to be difficult, but I knew what I needed to do. I would run after Astrid, no matter what it takes. I would make up for every single thing I said and did to her since I woke up in the hospital.
And for the first time in months, I prayed that she had not yet given up on me.