26.
BRIDAL REGISTRY:
A log of the couple’s gift preferences aimed at making it easier for wedding guests to shop for gifts for the couple.
Astrid.
I went to the hospital every single day. But I never got a chance to see Ryder. The doctors didn’t encourage it until all the tests were done and they were sure about the gravity of his amnesia.
“You should go back to Malibu,” Janis advised. “We’ll keep you posted, when he’s ready to see you.”
I shook my head. “He should at least try to see me, Jan,” I said hopefully. “Maybe if he sees me… it would trigger some memories to come back.”
“We have to do this slowly, Ash,” Jake said. “Only time can help Ryder now.”
I think the sight of me was unsettling to Ryder and it didn’t help his recovery to be emotionally aggravated. But I couldn’t help myself. Once, when he was sound asleep, I went to his room. Tears welled up in my eyes as I saw him still in bandages. I was so happy that he made it. Even though he didn’t remember me, I will still always be thankful that God heard my prayers. Ryder was alive.
I leaned forward and rested my head on his arm. I allowed tears to come. I wanted to feel his warmth. I wanted to feel his love again. But I guess I had to wait some more. I knew deep inside that mind of his were his memories of me. And he would fight for his way back.
I stared at his peaceful, handsome face. Ryder. My knight in shining armor. My rock. Now, I will have to be strong for our love. And I will wait for him, no matter how much it hurts.
“I love you,” I whispered. Then I leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently, still careful not to wake him up. “Come back to me, Ryder.”
I felt his fingers flinch a little. My heart pounded inside my chest. I knew he was not ready for me yet. And I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. So, slowly I backed down from the bed and tiptoed my way out of his room. I leaned on his door and took a deep breath.
When I opened my eyes, I found a pair of curious, beautiful green eyes staring back at me.
Paris smiled at me apologetically. “Did he see you?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“I know it hurts, sweetheart,” she said. “But give it a little bit more time. He’ll come around. And I’m sure he would ask for you.” She gave my hand a squeeze and then finally, she went inside the room.
In spite of all their advice, I still went to the hospital every single day. Once in a while, when I knew he was sound asleep, I would go to his room. I would whisper, “I love you” as I kissed him goodnight before I went back to his apartment and cried my heart out.
A month had passed before he finally asked for me.
“Are you Astrid?” a nurse asked me while I was in my usual spot in the waiting room. I was alone, waiting for one of Ryder’s friends or family to keep me company.
I nodded.
“Mr. Van Woodsen would like to see you,” she smiled.
I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he finally remembered me. I stood up from my seat and followed the nurse to his room. Ryder was sitting on the bed. He looked better than the last time I saw him. His stitches look like they were starting to heal now.
I stood at the foot of his bed. The nurse left us. Ryder stared at me for a long time. He was studying me. My heart pounded in my chest, and I realized that I wasn’t breathing properly.
When I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t see the usual emotion he used to have whenever he looked at me. His expression was void of love and tenderness. I bit my lip, hoping desperately that he would say something.
Then finally, he took a deep breath and said, “Well, at least you are pretty.”
He didn’t say that gently. I couldn’t recognize the exact emotion in his voice. He sounded like he was angry, but he was also a little relieved. “You say you’re my girlfriend?”
“Y-yes,” I said weakly.
He raised a brow. “You lack conviction when you say that. It makes it harder for me to believe it.”
I took a deep breath again and then repeated my answer, “Yes, Ryder. I am your girlfriend.”
“How long have we been together?”
I didn’t know how to explain this. Unofficially, we’ve been together for about ten months. But officially, it was a lot shorter than that. Yeah, like two days before he forgot about me.
“We’ve been together for less than a week before your accident… officially.”
“Officially?”
I nodded. “We’ve been pretending to be engaged for about ten months now.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Pretending?”
I nodded. “It’s a long story.”
“I’m sure! As you can see, I can’t remember all the stupid things I did this year. So please… feel free to enlighten me!”
“Stupid?” I repeated. That felt like a slap in the face. Did he think having me, as a girlfriend, was stupid?
“Yes,” he replied. “Why would I pretend to be somebody’s fiancé? Do I look like I couldn’t get a woman to marry me for real?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Then why, Ms. Jacobson, would I pretend to be your fiancé?”
I sighed. “Because I asked you to. My ex-fiancé cheated on me with my cousin and I attended their wedding with you. You helped me out, so I could save my pride and my dignity in front my family.”
“Why would I do that?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Because… because you said you liked me. And that was your way to get to know me.”
He raised a brow. “You mean I agreed to play along with your charade so I could get you to bed?” he asked blatantly.
My eyes widened. “No, Ryder,” I said. “You would never do that. It was never about the sex for you. You’re… for real. You really cared about me.”
“I couldn’t care about you on such a short notice, miss. I wonder what you did before that.”
“You said… you said I got under your skin the first moment you laid eyes on me.”
He stared at me. And then he laughed so hard it started to insult me. He shook his head. “Clearly, miss, you are mistaken. That does not sound like me at all.” He swung his legs to the side of the bed and he stood up.
My heart pounded in my chest as he approached me. When he was close enough he looked down and studied my face. He looked into my eyes. Then I saw a glimmer of emotion there, some sort of recognition. But it was so short I thought I must have imagined it. “Are your eyes violet?” he asked.
I nodded. I couldn’t breathe. He was standing too close. And it killed me to know that this was the same man I loved, my Ryder… and yet he was so different and because of that, I couldn’t get through him at all.
“You sure you’re not a witch?” he asked. “Because you must have put me under a spell or given me a love potion. That would be the only explanation for all my rash actions. The man you are telling me about now does not sound like me at all.”
I closed my eyes in disbelief. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it was not his fault there was a stupid cloud in his brain that veiled his memories of me.
“Ryder, I know this is too much to handle for now.” I figured Jake was right to keep me away from him for the past month. “Let’s… take this slow,” I said to him.
“Well, you should have told me that ten months ago!” he said. “Apparently, this year I did everything in super-fast mode! If you really know me, Ms. Jacobson, you know I don’t fall for a woman that fast. I am not rash. More importantly, I am not gullible.”
I nodded. “I know that, Ryder.”
“So can you just tell me what you want from me and we can end this charade now? My life is already complicated as it is.”
“Ryder…” I started. What was he saying? Was he breaking up with me? Without him knowing me and everything that happened to us in the last year? So unfair!
“What did you really want, Miss Jacobson? Is it the money? How much?”
“What?” I asked back, totally appalled.
“Come on, miss. It’s only the two of us in here. And I noticed that you have won over my mother, my sister, and my best friends. I want you to stay away from them, too. Could we stop all pretenses now and let’s just go our separate ways and pretend nothing happened? I am willing to compensate you for your trouble.”
My eyes widened. I swear, if Ryder didn’t already have a brain injury, I was going to inflict one on him. I was seething with anger. How dare he? What does he think of me?
“I don’t believe this!” I threw my hands in the air.
“I know, right? Me too!” He rolled his eyes sarcastically.
I stared back at him, tears starting to brim my eyes.
He stared back at me. He narrowed his eyes and I saw a glint of emotion there. Then his expression turned cold again.
“Please don’t cry, Miss Jacobson,” he said. “It won’t work on me.”
I blinked back the tears. How could this Ryder be so mean?
“Let’s not beat around the bush. You probably came from a middle class family. You came here, no fancy clothes, no expensive jewelry. I was told you were a wedding planner. I think you are ambitious; you needed somebody to bring you to the world of the rich. Well, maybe it’s a good thing that I lost a year of my memory, because I have time to undo what you are about to do to me.”
“Ryder, don’t say this,” I begged him silently, tears rolling down my cheeks, in spite of him asking me not to cry.
He stood there watching me. I knew that he was only trying to be mean to me to shove me away. I could see a glimmer of emotion in his eyes, but he was fighting it.
“When was the last time I went to bed with you?” he asked.
I stared at him, confused with his question. “What…”
“Answer the question. When was the last time I had sex with you?” he asked bluntly.
“The day before your accident,” I replied weakly.
“That would be over a month ago,” he said,” he said. “I want you to take a pregnancy test. I just want to make sure that you’re not pregnant.”
Every queen needs a prince or a princess in her Ever After too. And suddenly, remembering him say those words to me so tenderly made me cry even more. I wiped the tears on my cheeks and nodded.
“What would you do if I am?” I asked back.
He raised a brow at me. “Aren’t you on the pill?”
I shook my head slowly.
He shrugged. “I’m sure I always used protection. I doubt that you are pregnant. But just in case, I want to be sure. And then we will talk about you staying out of my life so I can start fresh. As you can see, I lost a year of my life. That’s a lot to catch up on.”
“Why… why would you want to get rid of me?”
“Because I don’t trust you,” he said,” he said. “How the hell you made me fall in love with you, I do not know. How you made me put my money on your business, I am also not sure. You must be really good in bed. I am usually not the type of man who would fall under a woman’s spell. And I stay away from girls like you.”
“Girls like me? What do you think I am?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know you well enough to judge you. But the last thing I want is to end up with a mercenary slut who is only using me to gain access to my bank accounts!”
“Mercenary slut?” I echoed. Is this what Ryder was like before I met him? “You’re calling me a mercenary slut?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t say that you are. I don’t know you well enough to judge you. I’m just saying that I’m trying to stay away from women who only wanted me for what I am worth.”
I bit my lip and balled my fists inside my jeans’ pockets to keep myself from swinging the metal food tray across his face.
“Maybe it’s not a good idea for us to talk today. I’ll see you some other time,” I said to him.
I turned away from him. When I looked back, I found that his eyes were looking at my behind. He was totally checking me out. Finally, he looked at my face.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I understand why I would have been attracted to you,” he said. “But I still don’t think you could trick me into marriage… or love.”
I was so angry, hurt, and insulted, I didn’t bother to retort back. I turned away from him and bumped into Jake who was just getting inside the room.
He stared down at me and saw the tears I was trying to hold back. His expression softened and he reached out to touch my shoulder.
“Astrid, are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine, Jake. I’m a rock!” I said to him, mustering all the courage I could find.
Then I turned to leave the room. I heard Jake shout at Ryder, “Not cool, man! Totally not cool!”
I was so upset when I got back to Ryder’s apartment. Ryder seems like a total stranger now. I never knew he could be this harsh, this mean. When I met him, he was a dream. He was a sweet guy who I thought only existed in romance novels and fairy tales. This Ryder also seemed unreal… but in a terrible way.
God, he was worse than Kevin Moore! And Kevin and his mother were the reasons why I vowed I would never date a filthy rich guy who was out of my league. I didn’t want to be judged, to be measured whether or not I met the minimum acceptable standards. I didn’t want my boyfriend and his family to question me, to doubt whether I really loved him or was in it for the status and the money.
It took me months to stop fighting what I feel for Ryder. He was so persistent, so sincere, so desperate; he did everything to make me believe him, trust in him. And now… he was an example of the very reason why I didn’t want to fall for him in the first place.
Sometimes, I find my stupid situation so hilarious, I would actually roll on the floor laughing if I was not too busy bawling my eyes out.
That night I slept in one of his long-sleeved shirts again. And as I lay down on his bed and cried my heart out, I prayed for about the millionth time that this was just a bad dream that I would soon wake up from.
***
“You could keep staying in Ryder’s apartment,” Paris told me the day that Ryder would be going home from the hospital.
“No, it’s okay. I know he’s still not ready to see me,” I said. “I could stay in a hotel.”
“Nonsense,” she said. “He will stay at my mother’s house for a while. At least there, we have maids and butlers to attend to his needs while he is healing,” Paris explained. “He won’t come back to his apartment. Stay there.”
I should be happy. Ryder’s physical wounds were healing. I would have been the happiest woman on earth if only his memories hadn’t gotten messed up… if only he could remember even a second of our time together.
“Do you think I could see him again?” I asked.
Paris nodded. “Yes. He has to deal with you, no matter how hard he tries to run away from it.”
“I don’t understand that, actually.”
“My brother didn’t believe he could actually fall in love. You confuse him,” Paris replied. “And he doesn’t know what to do with you.”
Oh, this Ryder Van Woodsen knows what to do with me all right! He wants to get rid of me so fast; he was even willing to pay me. But I didn’t tell anybody that. I know Ryder didn’t mean it. If he were himself, he would never say those words at all.
I went with Paris to her mother’s house. Helen had a ten-bedroom mansion. The whole house was swarming with butlers and maids keeping it well taken care of.
Helen was ecstatic to see me. “Sweetheart.” She gave me a hug. “I’m so glad to see you. I told one of the maids to call Ryder.”
Helen and I chatted in the tea room, while Paris excused herself.
“That girl.” Helen sighed.
Paris?
“You’re family now, Astrid. I suppose I could tell you. I worry about her.”
“She seems like a girl who could take care of herself,” I said.
“Yes. Sometimes a little too much.” Helen heaved a frustrated breath.
“I don’t understand.”
“Paris is sometimes too independent, too tough, and too smart for her own good. I worry about the guys she dates. I want her to marry well, you know.”
My heart sank. Did all rich people have this unwritten rule to marry within their circle?
“It’s different with Ryder, of course,” Helen said, not even looking at me. “He could marry whoever he likes. He’s going to be the head of this family. And he’s practically made well for himself. His wife’s job would be to keep him sane and happy. Paris’s future husband, however, must make sure she continues living as comfortably as she is now. I would hate for her to end up with a good-for-nothing man who would not only mess up his life, but also exhaust all of Paris’s share of the family’s wealth.”
She had a point. She’s not judging people based on wealth. She just didn’t want a douche to end up with her daughter. I guess, I could live with that.
“I’m sure Paris would be responsible enough to know that.”
She sighed. “Yes. You know, her father always sets her up with a man?”
I raised a brow.
“Yes. She hates it. And she does everything she can do to defy him to the point that she embarrasses the guys he sets up for her. I guess he probably tried to fix her up with at least five guys and all of them don’t even want to be the same room as Paris now.”
I bit my lip to prevent myself from laughing. I couldn’t believe that delicate, sweet, and innocent Paris had a naughty, feisty side. It was enlightening to hear, actually.
Just then, we were interrupted by their butler. He looked at Helen, but he refused to look at me.
“Mister… Mister Ryder said he… isn’t feeling well,” he said, but his voice lack the conviction, so I’m thinking that wasn’t the real reason I couldn’t see Ryder. And judging the Ryder I last spoke to, I’m sure his butler is finding it so hard to rephrase the words he said as to why he couldn’t see me.
I fought back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I couldn’t show Helen how hurt I was. She would feel guilty, I know.
“That’s… that’s okay. I think he needs more time.” I said quietly.
For the first time, the butler looked at me. He gave me an apologetic smile, which confirmed my earlier suspicion that Ryder didn’t want to see me on purpose.
I nodded at him slightly.
Helen must have sensed this, too. And I know she felt sorry for me. “Well, since my son is unable to see you, I think you have some free time on your hands, right?”
I nodded.
“Come, sweetheart. I wanted to go shopping today and I needed better company than Paris. Her taste in clothes is sometimes too different from mine. Would you mind spending the afternoon at the mall with me?” Helen asked.
How could I say no? I know Helen would like to do something for me to make me feel better.
“Thank you, Helen,” I said. “If you think I would be good company, then I would be happy to come with you.”
Ryder’s mother obviously likes shopping. And it’s no surprise to me that almost all the sales staff of the luxurious brands knew her. I decided to relax and be myself. I did one of the things that I actually do best. I critiqued the clothes she chose as well as the bags and jewelry. I guess one of the perks of my job is learning what has class and screams elegance, whether in detail or in whole. I think I actually impressed Helen with my skills. She was complimenting me about it.
“Now, I know why you are good at what you do, dear,” she said when we were having coffee.
“I guess I always had it in me,” I said. “I love what I do. It’s effortless for me.”
Just then, Helen handed me a paper bag from Cartier.
“This is for you, dear.”
I shook my head. “Helen, no,” I said. “I couldn’t accept this. It’s not even my birthday.”
She laughed. She took out a box from the bag. “I would like to thank you for your company.”
“And you’re welcome. I enjoyed myself. But you didn’t have to give me something in return,” I said.
She opened the box and I saw a beautiful platinum bracelet.
“It’s my thank you gift, not just for today, dear,” she said. “This is to thank you for loving my son patiently.” She took the bracelet and locked it on my wrist. “And to remind you to always find the strength to fight for both of you.”
Tears brimmed my eyes as I stared back at Ryder’s mother.
“I’m so sorry, Astrid.” When she looked at me, her eyes were welling up with tears, too. Helen hugged me. “I know that my son chose the right woman. I know how much he loves you! But he’s always been like this. Thinking that every woman he finds is just after his money. I know that when he gets better, you will be the first person he will look for. If he only remembers that the reason why you two didn’t happen quickly is because you didn’t want him to be rich, that you were more thrilled with him when he was a bartender.”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I don’t know how to make him find his way back to me. And I’m so scared that everyday, I lose him more and more.”
“Just wait, my dear.” His mother said. “He’s still the same man. Somewhere in that stubborn mind of his, is the man who lives and dies for you.”
She squeezed my hand. I touched the bracelet that she gave me and I smiled back at her.
“Thank you,” I said. “And I hope you are right.”
“He’s my son. I know he will find a way back to you.”
And I could only hope that it was still true. That the man I love will wake up from this trance and remember what a good thing we have. The good thing that is waiting for him.