33.
SOMETHING BLUE:
The Bride must always wear something… anything… blue. It can be a trinket or undergarment. Some choose to put a blue lining on the wedding garter that they wear under their wedding gown.
Ryder.
That did not go as planned.
Astrid is a little firecracker. You don’t handle her properly, she will explode. And damn! I did not handle that well.
I wanted to woo her, show her my charming side, the one that is not uptight and suspicious of all women. The real me without masks and with all my guards down.
I thought I was doing a great job earlier in the afternoon. I thought she’d appreciate the movers, but I don’t think Astrid likes owing people anything, especially favors with a financial value attached to it. A very admirable trait.
Wow! I have chosen well.
The problem is how do I delete the asshole image of me in her head? How can I make her forget that even once, I called her a gold-digger! Or the fact that I accused her of only being after my money!
I wanted her to give up on me. I wanted nothing to do with her. Now, I wanted nothing more than to remove this stupid cloud in my brain so she could be with me again.
Jake was right. When I wake up from all of this, I would want to kill myself for what I did to Astrid. Damn! I wanted to kill myself now, even though I haven’t fully recovered from my amnesia.
I wish I gave her a chance, right from the moment I opened my eyes. I wish I did not push her away, and made it clear that I did not want anything to do with her. I wish I’d gotten to know her first before I decided on the fate of our relationship.
If I gave Astrid a chance four months ago… I think I still would fall in love with her… even without my previous memories of her.
She is beautiful. Her eyes just enchant me. Her scent fills my senses and intoxicates me.
She is talented in many aspects. I cannot believe, in less than a year, she was able to make her company break even. I saw her portfolio. She has good taste and so much passion for what she does. She knows what she’s doing, and she puts her heart into it.
She has a sense of humor. Not every girl can make me laugh. Hmmm… the ‘asshole mode’ still cracks me up. Do I really have that mode?
She has been badly hurt by the people close to her and yet she chose to get back up on her feet and love again. She fell in love again… because of me. She chose to take a risk in me in spite of the pains that she has been through.
Lucky bastard! I thought to myself.
Paris and my mother are not the easiest people to please. But Astrid passed their tests with flying colors. I know my mother’s heart breaks along with Astrid’s.
And Paris… well, she has not been speaking to me much. The last time she spoke to me was when Janis told her that I pulled the plug on Astrid’s company. I could still remember how that conversation turned out.
I always remember my conversations with Paris lately. She surprises me and shocks me at the same time. I lost one year of my memories. I don’t remember how much she has changed in twelve months. She was bolder, tougher. She has so much angst and she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind. In a way, I admire her more. But a part of me felt sad because I realize I don’t really know her as much as I thought I did.
“You couldn’t choose a better knife to kill yourself with.” Paris said to me over the phone. “Actually, that’s not a knife. It’s an F-in samurai!”
“Since when do you swear that much?” I asked her.
“F-in is not a swear word.” She argued. “I should remember not to code my language, since I was gonna get scolded the same way by my big brother.”
“Paris Van Woodsen! You were sent to the best schools in the country! Not just to learn business, but to learn etiquette and what differentiates a man from a… lady!”
“Funny you should say that, big bro,” she said in a sarcastic tone, “because I’ve seen how you treated Astrid in the past few months. You were sent to the best schools in at least three continents. I thought you learned what differentiates a man from a moron.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that. One, because it was true; two, because I didn’t know Paris would defend Astrid with such vigor; and three, because I didn’t know Paris would be bold enough to talk to me like this.
“Did I… do something to you, Paris?” I asked.
She sighed. “No.” There was silence on the other end of the line. Then she said, “I talk to you like this, Ryder. At least for the past year, you’ve made me feel like I didn’t have to conform to the rules of our society. You’ve always allowed me to be who I really am. Not the dumb little heiress that everybody expects me to be.”
I took a minute to process what she said. Then I said, “You’re not a dumb little heiress. Don’t even allow anybody to make you feel like you are. Even me.”
“Good.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “That’s why I’m telling you now that what you did with Astrid’s company… your funeral.”
I sighed. Why does everybody keep telling me this? “Why?”
“You lost one year of your memories, Ryder. We’ve been telling you who Astrid was in your life and how much you loved her. I get that you don’t know her now and you don’t trust her. But even then… you should have trusted us.”
They were right. They were all right! Even Jake warned me I was going to regret this.
I underestimated the degree of my feelings for Astrid. Darn! I didn’t even know I was capable of falling in love.
I always thought I was not going to marry for love. I thought I would find a woman that was… suitable. And then I would marry her, have kids with her and be a happy father. I would be a good husband. It’s a give and take relationship. If she’s faithful to me, there is no reason for me to play around. Plus, I know how kids feel when their parents go their separate ways. I’ve been there. I wouldn’t want my kids to go through that.
I wasn’t expecting Astrid to happen; that I would find someone that I can drown myself in. I didn’t know I would feel so strongly for a woman, that the sight or even the thought of another man touching her would boil my blood and make me abandon reason.
I never knew I could go to bed with a woman and would want to hold her until morning. That I could forever drown in the scent of her. That only one night of sleeping with her in my arms would make the other nights without her unbearable.
Whatever pieces of Astrid that I recalled from the past year is just enough for me to know that she’s the woman I’ve been looking for. My match, the woman that I needed.
Damn! I hurt her!
For the past few days, Astrid has been in my thoughts every waking hour. When I go to bed at night, her memory lies down beside me. I wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I wanted to hear her scream my name in bed again.
I wanted her to keep stocking up my fridge and tell me where things were in my house. I wanted to open the front door of my house and she’s the first thing that I would see.
But I threw all that away. I drove her away.
I hit the brakes of my car. I had been driving more than a hundred miles an hour, not caring if I will hit something. Maybe I was tempting fate again. Maybe I wanted to get into another accident and hopefully hit my head so hard, the cloud that veils my memories of Astrid would be gone.
I don’t know where I was or where I was going. I was driving without a destination or a purpose. In truth, I wanted to get away. If I went home, I knew I will be restless knowing that she’s just across the street from me. Ten bucks say I will not be able to resist for ten minutes. I will cross that street, break her friend’s door down, and carry her to my house and no one will be able to stop me.
But she needs some space right now. And I need to think. I need to… I don’t know… strategize!
I stopped the car on the side of the road and took deep breaths.
I realized that I don’t need to regain my memories to know that I am in love with Astrid. Because even now, with all these holes and missing puzzle pieces in my head, I still want to be with her. And I want her to love me back. I want her to forget what an ogre I have been to her the past few months.
I didn’t tell her that I remembered a little bit of her. I should have. But I didn’t. I wanted her to know that with or without my stupid amnesia, we could still work. We could still be together and I could still make her happy.
Well, congratulations for a job well done, Ryder! I thought angrily. I messed up my chances yet again.
I don’t know when I will gain my memories back. There is a chance that I don’t recover them at all. That’s why I don’t want her to keep loving the man I used to be… the man in my past. I want her to fall in love with this man in front of her now, and later realize that I’m still the same person. That nothing changed. And nothing will change between us.
This afternoon, when I reminded her that I’m still her boyfriend, a sense of joy and pride swept through me. I felt like I’m the luckiest guy in the world because she is mine.
I realized I didn’t want to change that. And no amount of amnesia could take Astrid away from me, or me from her.
I will make amends for everything that I did to her in the past. But for now, she has to forgive me.
God, I was so stupid! Astrid has a good heart. All I needed to prove to her was how sorry I am about the way I acted and ask… or beg… for her to give me one more chance.
Because I love her.
There! I admit what my pride and my logical brain prevented me from admitting before. I don’t know how, but even without gaining back all my memories of her, I fell for her anyway.
And even if she doesn’t accept that, I realized that she has to know at least. I cannot have her thinking that I only wanted her for a playmate. I may have forgotten her, but I’m still the man she fell in love with. And I will never use her or take advantage of her.
But how will I do this? She must freaking hate me right now!
I am not going to wait. I will tell her now. No guards. No masks. No prides.
Right now, she could be in her room, crying her heart out because of me again. No, I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt her anymore. She can do whatever she wants with what I am going to tell her. But I will say it to her anyway… I love her.
And if she choses to start over… even without our memories together… I would make that chance count. Instead of waiting for me to regain my memories of her, we would just make new ones… happier ones.
I took a deep breath and I prayed for a little bit of luck. Looks like I was gonna need it. And then I shifted the gear to reverse and turned the car back around.