31.
SOMETHING NEW:
Brides are supposed to wear something—anything—new during the wedding ceremony. It can be as small as a trinket, jewelry, an undergarment,
or the gown itself.
Astrid.
I met up with my friends at Starbucks.
“So, because Ryder forgot about you, we all have to be sober now?” Dannie asked. I knew what he meant. Since Ryder forgot about me, I had been steering clear of Oil Rig and Rig Style. It was too painful for me to go there. The sweetest guy I’d known didn’t want anything to do with me and looked down at me as if I was the biggest gold-digging slut on the face of the Earth.
“No, Dannie. No one is preventing you from getting drunk out of your wits. As long as you don’t do it with me and in any of Ryder’s bars,” I said.
“But those are my favorites!” he complained.
“Oh I feel so sorry for you!” I said, a little irritated. “My problems are nothing compared to yours!”
That shut him up. He smiled at me apologetically. “You’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“So, still no development?” Nicole asked.
I shrugged.
How do I tell them that, No, Ryder still has not remembered even an inch of me, and he still has not changed his opinion about me being after his money. But hey, he made it clear though, that he wanted me and couldn’t get his hands off me in bed!
That was a slip. I thought about last night and felt confused more than ever. I was happy that at least he was still attracted to me. But I knew there was no love in that department. He touched me last night because he wanted me. He wanted my body. I was a woman he wanted to warm his bed. He didn’t touch me because I was his Astrid and that he loved me with all his being.
Last night, I didn’t make love to Ryder Van Woodsen, the guy who would go to hell and back for me. I had sex with a guy who looked a lot like the man I love… the man who went to a place where I couldn’t reach him.
Right from when his arms snaked around my waist and he crushed his lips into mine, I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t know this man. He didn’t know me. He wanted my body. I wanted a piece of the man I had been aching for for too many nights.
I told myself I would not give up on him. But I was only human. It was painful to be near him and yet I knew it wasn’t really him. He looks at me with wanton lust and all I wanted was the man who looked at me with so much love and tenderness. They look the same, but I knew they weren’t.
“I… returned Ryder’s investment,” I said.
“Oh my, you’re shutting down?” Dannie asked.
I shook my head.
“Wow!” John breathed. “At least now, you won’t owe him anything. He won’t think that you’re just using him for his money.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Ryder was the one who pulled out his investment. That my choices were to either shut down or pay up.
I kept telling myself that Ryder was not fully aware of his actions and everything that came out of his mouth was based on the fact that he didn’t know me at all. He was disturbed and confused with my existence in his life.
But I knew not everybody could be forgiving. And if Ryder came back to me again, I didn’t want my friends or my family to hate him.
Speaking of my family, I hadn’t even had the courage to tell them that Ryder had forgotten about me. Whenever they called and asked about him, I told them that he was out of the country, somewhere in Europe.
My phone rang. It was Rose, my assistant.
“Astrid, Mr… Mr. Van Woodsen is here,” she said in a whisper. “He’s looking for you.”
My breath caught in my throat. What does he want now?
Did he think that just because I slept with him last night, it was going to be a regular occurrence between us now?
Oh no! He’s dead wrong!
Okay, I slipped. I was weak for a night. But that didn’t mean I would be willing to accept the way he saw me, the way he thought of me.
I want my Ryder. Not this asshole that thinks all women are trying to get into his pants to get into his pockets.
In a way, I felt like I was cheating. I should not have gone to bed with him. I had only been with one man in my entire life. And he loved me. Even that first night he touched me, I meant more to him than just a woman he wanted to warm his bed.
The last time I was in Manhattan, Ryder was having a date with Alizia. Of course, he didn’t remember me. But he’d known Alizia for more than a year. It was no surprise. And if he was with her, God! What have I done? I should not have slept with him! If he’s seeing Alizia, then he’s cheated on her with me. Well, if he is with Alizia, technically he’s cheated on me with her!
God, it’s so unfair! I couldn’t even blame him if he tried to sleep with Alizia. How can you accuse a man of cheating if he doesn’t even know you were his girlfriend in the first place?
“I would never touch Alizia,” he said,” he said. “Because I would never cheat on you.” My heart breaks at the memory. But the man who promised me that was gone now. In his place was a man who looked exactly like him, but does not feel an inch of affection for me. The man who would go to hell and back for me… was gone. I didn’t know when he might come back. And all the waiting is killing me.
“Tell him you don’t know where I am,” I said.
“Huh?” my assistant asked, obviously confused. Usually, I would jump at the chance to see Ryder. Now, I was running away from him.
I still had not given up on him, but that didn’t mean I was ready to face him already after sharing a night of insane passion with him.
What happened between us was a game changer. We were already complicated in the first place. Why did we have to give in to our dark desires and think we could get out of it unscathed?
Because I showed him how I could go wild and mindless in his arms, I’m sure the term ‘mercenary slut’ now applied! And I was not ready to hear that from him just yet. I didn’t know if I could stop myself from killing him if he said that to my face.
I was confused. And more than that, I was scared. So I guess, it didn’t hurt to lay low for a while, and just… take a deep breath.
“You heard me,” I said. “I’m not around. You don’t know where I am.”
“Okay.” And she hung up.
My friends raised brows at me.
“What’s that about?” Dannie asked.
I shrugged. “Ryder is at the office looking for me.”
“Now he’s looking for you and you’re the one running away from him?” Nicole asked. “You guys are so confusing!”
“Why is he looking for you? Did he have his memories back?”
“Doubt it,” I said. “Only yesterday I wrote him a check for his investment. He doesn’t even remember why he invested in my talents. Unless he hit his head this morning, I doubt that he’s looking for me because he remembers me.”
Nicole and Dannie seem to agree. But John was looking at me suspiciously and I didn’t know why. When I raised a brow at him, he just shrugged and looked away.
“So why did you tell your assistant that you aren’t around?” Dannie asked.
I sighed. “Because I’m only human, guys! My heart can only take a couple of heartbreaks at a time. I need a break too.”
“Are you giving up?” Nicole asked.
I shook my head. “No. But that doesn’t mean I cannot take a breather from all this… pain once in a while.”
“Sure, sweetheart.” Nicole said, reaching out for my hand. “And I hope you use that breather to think that you deserve to be loved, Astrid. You deserve a man who knows what a good thing he has when he has you.”
I laughed humorlessly. “You sound like the old Ryder. Thanks for the reminder.”
“She’s right, sweetheart,” Dannie said. “For how long are you going to keep on doing this? How long are you going to hang around and get your heart broken over and over?”
“I’m a rock!” I recited, more to myself.
John shook his head. “No.” He looked at me, and I can see that his heart goes out to me, like he’s so sad that I have to go through all this pain. “You’re a precious stone, Ash. And you need somebody who could appreciate you and not look down at you.”
That was a lot coming from John, who only seemed to see women as bedroom playmates. And it warmed me to think that, in spite of what I have been going through with Ryder, I have friends who really love and care for me.
“I had that somebody.” I said to him, tears brimming my eyes again. “He looked a lot like Ryder Van Woodsen. But he’s a different man now. And I don’t know how to get him back.”
Nicole put her arms around my shoulder and let me cry. I needed this. I needed to let it out because it gets too heavy sometimes. It felt like this time, I was the walking time bomb and I didn’t know just when I would lose it and explode.
Dannie finally had the sense to change the subject. He told us about his boyfriend and how serious they were getting. Actually, I knew the guy. He’s the one who broke the news to me that the engagement ring Bryan gave me was a fake and that the supposedly fake ring that Ryder gave me was the real thing.
John told us about his new apartment. He’s doing pretty well in his father’s company. Now, he can afford a two-bed apartment with a garage in a prime area in the city.
All day Ryder kept calling me. I just chose to ignore his calls. I wanted him to know I wasn’t a booty call, if that was his intention. Give yourself some dignity, woman!
He needs to decide what to do with me. I’m either with him or without him. Nothing in between. We’ve been down the “friends with benefits” road before, and I’m not going back there again.
More than that, I need to breathe, too. Even for just a couple of days. A couple of days without hearing Ryder insult me, accuse me of things that I am not. A few days of not seeing him look at me and not place me in his past.
Last night, after we made love, he actually held me in his arms until we both fell asleep. For a while, he felt like the old Ryder… my Ryder who was content and happy to have me locked in his embrace. And I wanted that to be my last memory of him… at least for now.
***
I stayed with Nicole for the next couple of days. I could not be alone, even for just a few moments. Ryder’s been showing up at my office every day.
I decided to conduct all my business outside. I can easily meet my clients at their place or at any restaurant in the city. Plus, I was office and apartment hunting. I had all the excuses in the world to not be in the office.
However, after three days of crashing at Nicole’s I had to move out. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but my mother is coming to the city and well… she’s gonna be staying with me,” Nicole said. “You can stay with us if you want, but I honestly don’t recommend it. My mother is unrelenting, you know that.”
I knew. Her mother wanted to know everything about the person she speaks to and I know she’ll pry on my love life. And the reason why I’m staying away from my house in the first place is because I’m avoiding the love of my life.
“Oh, that’s fine,” I said. I looked at Dannie. “Can I crash?”
Dannie smiled at me apologetically. “Sorry sweetie. You know I haven’t been single since last month.” Yes, right. And I don’t want to get in the way of Dannie and his love life.
Rats! I didn’t want to go to my place yet. I just… want to surround myself with my friends right now. Otherwise, the first ring from Ryder, I know I will pick up. And if he asks me to come to his house for some fun, I just might blindly accept it… I think. That’s how vulnerable I am to him. And damn, he knows it! And even if he didn’t, then I have just proven it to him a couple of nights ago.
I’m a rock. I’m standing my ground. Maybe if I give Ryder a little bit of distance, he’ll have time to think about why I returned his investment… why I didn’t take the severance pay that Adam is so willing to fight for. I’m not the mercenary slut he thought I was.
Adam! I remembered him. He’s got a nice place and he will take me in in a heartbeat. But Adam would smell that something was up. The guy has a talent for pulling information out of me. He will know that I slept with Ryder again and he will not like that. He’ll give me a good beating for being stupid. Plus, Ryder knows he’s my cousin, so if he is looking for me, he might look Adam up. And Adam is already losing his patience with him. I don’t want it to turn into a fistfight, particularly since Adam seems to be a fan of martial arts lately. He doesn’t talk about it, but the mild bruises on his face, and the wounds on his knuckles tell the whole story.
“I just moved into a two-bed apartment,” John reminded me. Right. I forgot. John owns a place big enough to crash in now.
“And the point is?” I asked, smiling. I already know what he will offer. John may be quiet most of the time, but he’s such a sweet guy. But somehow, only Dannie, Nicole, and I knew that. He’s a playboy. But as long as he doesn’t plan on bringing home a girl while I am there, I am all for it.
“Well, I need somebody to clean up the house once in a while for the price of free night’s stay in the guest bedroom,” he joked. “You might sleep in the middle of a mountain of boxes though.”
“Very funny,” I said. “I’ll take it! It’s only a couple of nights anyway. Then I should be able to find a new place to move in to.”
I sincerely hope I find a new office soon, and a new apartment. It’s actually tough since I just paid Ryder out and I owed Adam some money. But I know that I can still do it. I still have some money left to support my relocation.
I gathered my stuff from Nicole’s place. I decided to go home quickly and get some new clothes before I went to John’s. John agreed to pick me up after his meeting.
As soon as I was heading out with my bag, I froze on my feet when I found Ryder standing in the driveway.
He was watching me, a hard expression on his face.
Stick to the program. Stick to the program. I recited in my head.
He approached me. Damn! Why does he have to be smoking hot!? My heart kept pounding inside my chest. I have to consciously remind myself that my brain needs oxygen, ergo, I have to breathe!
He raised a brow at me. “You can’t avoid me forever, sweetheart,” he said, giving me a crooked smile, which did not touch his eyes.
“Funny you seem to have succeeded a lot in doing that to me,” I said sarcastically.
“I know,” he said and I thought I heard a trace of guilt in his voice. “But I guess we started out on the wrong foot.”
“No. You started out on the wrong foot. I was exactly where I was the last time you said you loved me,” I said, pain evident in my voice.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me.
Then I realized that it was not entirely his fault. I’m sure he didn’t want to forget a year of his life. Nobody would want that.
But I wish he could have been a little bit nicer and little less judgmental towards me. I wish he just gave us a chance. I wish he didn’t try his best to drive me away… cut me off from his life.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault.” I started saying to him. “I…”
I was not able to finish that sentence. I blinked and the next thing I knew Ryder’s soft lips were ravishing mine. His arms were around me, holding me tightly against his chest.
I savored that kiss for a while. I knew I craved it. It made me weak and shut down all my senses.
But I also wanted to know… why? First, he didn’t want anything to do with me, asked me to stay away from him and his family… then one day he woke up and realized he likes kissing me and taking me to bed?
If I kept on giving in to this… I know I will end up being hurt by him over and over. I cannot accept these kisses. He’s not the same man he used to be. He isn’t kissing me because he loved me. He’s doing this because he wants me… in spite of the ugly thoughts he has about me.
And whatever Ryder Van Woodsen wants, Ryder Van Woodsen gets.
So I gathered all the courage that I had and pushed him… hard.
That startled him. Maybe he really did think that after that night, I would be a very easy prey; that he could play with me however he wanted.
Tears brimmed my eyes. He had no right to play with my feelings. He knew I was so in love with him and I wanted nothing more in the world than for him to snap out of his brain injury. But he didn’t feel the same. He was taking advantage of my weakness… which he knew perfectly well was… him.
“Stay away from me, Ryder.” I breathed.
He took a step forward. “Astrid, love…” he started.
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped at him. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. “Only… only my boyfriend calls me that. And he’s not here anymore.” I took a deep breath. “So please, Ryder. Don’t play with my feelings again. You have already judged me. The first thing you did when you woke up was crush me. I’m sorry I slept with you. I shouldn’t have because I know you’re not the same man. I guess I just… missed you so much, I gave in. But I can’t do that again, knowing that you think so low of me.”
“Astrid…” he started saying, but nothing followed. He just stood there, dumbfounded. It genuinely looked like he didn’t know what to say. His face was full of guilt and anguish. And I know that for the first time, I was getting through to him. He was listening to me and seeing how badly I was hurting… how badly he was hurting me.
“I am not giving up hope that someday, you will wake up from all this,” I said. “Because if you don’t… then I will. I will wake up and stop dreaming that you will come home to me.”
I saw John get out of his car. It was my cue to go. I walked past Ryder, but he grabbed my hand.
“Astrid…” I stopped walking, but didn’t turn to him. “I’m sorry.” His voice was broken.
I pulled my hand away. “I know. I’m sorry too.” And I ran towards John. He took my bag from me and I hopped into his passenger seat.
It seems that Ryder was about to follow me, but John stopped him.
“Leave her alone, man. The girl could only take so much shit from you.”
“Who the fuck are you?” Ryder asked John angrily.
“I’m someone who will beat the shit out of you if you don’t keep your distance from her!”
“Oh, I’d like to see you try!” Ryder snarled at him.
“If that would wake you up, I would have done that a long time ago. But seeing as you’re stubborn, I don’t think one good beating is enough to bring you back. So stay away, man! Let Astrid heal. She needs that.” And John went inside the car and drove away.
Once Ryder was no longer in view, I let all the tears pour. John didn’t say anything. He let me cry. I was thankful for that. I needed to feel free to cry my heart out and yet assured that I wasn’t alone.
The next thing I knew, John was parking his car in his garage. He turned to me and smiled. “You’re going to be okay, Ash.”
I smiled at him and wiped my tears away. I took a deep breath and said to him, “Come on! Show me your crib, Daddy’s boy!”
John laughed. Then he rounded the car and opened the door for me.
“Didn’t figure you much to be a gentleman,” I joked.
He grinned. “My deepest, darkest secret. This playboy thing… is only my disguise.”
I laughed. It felt better, even just a little bit. In my current state, I needed all the laughs I could get.
I went out and looked around. Suddenly, I felt that something was wrong. The place seemed oddly familiar.
He led me inside his house. It’s was big as Adam’s house, also with a deck and a view of the beach.
I could not shake off the feeling that something was wrong with his place. Like I have been in this neighborhood before. John hasn’t fully settled in. After all, he only moved in a couple of days ago.
“So when you said you needed somebody to clean up your house in exchange for rent, you weren’t kidding,” I joked.
John smiled mischievously. “I was dead serious.”
“Come on, John. You’re rich now! Can’t you afford a maid?”
“Ah, but I needed somebody creative to decorate this place. And I am hiring the best,” he said.
“I decorate wedding venues, John, not bachelor pads.”
“But that’s the best part,” he said. “Since you’re so attuned to what brides want, you can turn this place into a chick magnet.”
I groaned. “I knew there was a catch to all this!”
I followed him upstairs where he showed me the guest bedroom.
“Are you going to be bringing women home in the next couple of days?” I asked him.
“You kidding me? I might bring one home tonight!”
“John!” I groaned. “I knew this was a bad idea! I don’t want to be talking to your women about you. If I open my mouth, they wouldn’t want to see you anymore!”
“Ha! I knew you were the right person to ask to be my roommate!” He said triumphantly and I hit him playfully on the shoulder.
Then I heard a sound of an engine roaring outside, followed by the sound of crashing metal, like somebody just hit a gate or something.
I looked out the window and saw a familiar car parked across the street. Its owner gave his metal gate one hard punch before going inside his house. It was the biggest house on the block. And it was all too familiar to me.
My jaw dropped. I turned to John, a shocked expression plastered on my face.
“Shit!” I cursed. I knew the neighborhood looked so familiar. I wasn’t looking while John drove to his house. I was busy crying. “Did you know who lived across the street?”
John shrugged. “Well, even if I didn’t have any idea before, the sight of you scrambling out of that house at four in the morning was a dead giveaway.”
I was open-mouthed and I knew I was blushing from the roots of my hair. Nobody knew what happened between Ryder and me. I was careful not to tell them. But John knew right from the start.
“Wh-why were you awake at four in the morning?” I asked weakly.
He shrugged. “I just moved in. I was unpacking. I looked out the window. I saw you walking out in a rush, hailing a cab. I put two and two together.”
I sighed. Again tears began to stream down my cheeks.
John took a deep breath and put an arm around me. “It’s alright, Ash. I know how much you love him. So I understand why you would do it. But he doesn’t remember you. I hate to think that he would take advantage of you that way. Now I understand why you were running away from him.”
“And you invited me to crash in your house, when he was your neighbor?”
“Well, I didn’t know the real reason why you were staying away from him. I thought you’d love the idea of stalking him. I thought I was actually doing you a favor,” he said apologetically.
“Stalking?” I echoed. John just grinned, making me smile in return. That was really sweet of him. “Anyway, thanks. I know you meant well. But chances are I’m better off living at my house than here.”
“Come on. You’re already here.” John said. “And he still doesn’t know where you are. So you’re still safe. My haven, your haven. Let me be your shield for a while.” He grinned. “And besides, haven’t you heard the saying, ‘Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?’”
I think I got what he meant. I can avoid Ryder better if I know where he is. Or at least where his car is, since he never goes around the city without it.
That buys me a couple of days at least… some days of break. And then I will have to face my problem with Ryder Van Woodsen all over again.