“NO IS NOT a safe word.”
I had been surprised Dale even remembered that conversation. I wasn’t into kink with the other men I had slept with, not that there had been many before Dale. One to be exact. One man before Dale. No wonder I had it bad for the guy. I had no idea what sort of sexual activities I was into but from the moment Dale looked at me, I knew there was something more. A darker side to him behind his joking exterior. I could see it without him showing me. I didn’t know his past, his childhood, whether he had a family. I didn’t even know if he had kids. My heart skipped a beat. What if he had children already and didn’t want more, that’s why he reacted the day he did.
Being with Dale had made me question everything.
I realized quickly I liked it when he demanded things of me. I found a part of me needed it. Maybe that was why I had only been with one guy before him. Nothing could satisfy me.
I liked kink and, without making me feel ashamed, Dale embraced it. He had loved when I begged. When I pleaded for him to control me. I felt safe with him and once I let my walls down, only then did he push me away.
But no matter what Dale told me or did to me, I became lost when a part of me felt like everything made sense all at the same time.
After he made me come several times and I kicked him out, I was inspired. But I was also a damn idiot.
“Don’t you dare cover what our child did.”
His words taunted me because I had no idea what the hell they meant.
I went into my office and started painting. Knowing Dale was the reason for this new-found creativity, I embraced it.
After I finished my first painting, I called Josee and exclaimed how excited I was. Knowing she would come over, I hung up quickly before she could demand anymore answers. I needed to show her I was finally able to give her the work she needed me to do.
Stabbing the brush into the white and cream paint mixed with a little pink, I slid the brush over the blank canvas. I had no intention of designing something that could sell but after spending a couple hours with Dale, he was the reason I felt even remotely creative.
I was almost done with the second painting when the doorbell rang.
Rushing out to open the door, I saw Josee’s questioning glance and pulled her inside. “Come, come, come. You have to see.” I tugged at her arm and took the bottle of wine from her. Twisting off the cap, I took a long swig before thrusting it back in her arms.
“What the hell, Max?” she asked, a hint of amusement flashing in her gaze.
“Come.” I tugged at her arm, dragging her to my home studio.
“You sounded different on the phone. What gives?” Josee followed me. It wasn’t like I was giving her a choice really. Could she walk any slower?
“Jo,” I whined. “Seriously.”
She laughed. “Fine, fine.” She picked up the pace.
Once we reached the back of the house, I pushed open the door and shoved her inside. “Look.”
She glanced around the room, her gaze moving between the paintings and me. To the paintings, back to me. “You painted.” She stepped further into the room, walking around each canvas. “You painted a lot.”
“The two leaning against the wall are the newest and then the third I’m working on now. But they’re new,” I exclaimed, clapping my hands together. “They just poured from my fingers.”
“How the hell did this happen? Are you high?” She came toward me and placed the back of her hand against my forehead. “Are you sick? You haven’t painted this fast in months and you’re on your third? When did you start?”
I swatted her hand away. “No, I’m not sick.” I checked the time on the clock, letting out a slow breath. “I started painting three hours ago.”
“Holy shit.” Her eyes widened. “Even before all this …” —she waved a hand in front of her face— “stuff … you’ve never painted this fast.”
“I’ve been inspired.” I knew it would be weird seeing Dale again but I needed to thank him. Or maybe I would just show him. God, a couple orgasms later and I couldn’t get him out from under my skin. But something struck me as odd. He never wanted anything in return.
“What happened to cause this?”
“Uh…” my cheeks heated. “It just came on suddenly.”
“You’re a horrible liar.” Her grin widened. “Tell me. ‘Cause whatever it was, needs to keep happening. Your gallery opening will have the best of the best there if you keep this up.”
“Nothing happened. Nope. I was just inspired.” I looked away and started organizing some paints on the table.
“It was Dale, wasn’t it?”
My head whipped around. “How the hell could you know that?”
“For one, your shorts are on inside out and they’re backwards,” she said, pointing at my waist.
I looked down, my cheeks heating even more at the tag sticking out of the waist. “Oh … oops.”
“So, did you fuck him?” she asked, sitting on the stool by the canvas.
I coughed, rubbing the back of my neck. “No. We just made out and I kicked him out after.” My heart pained. Why the hell did I feel guilty? Because it’s not who you are.
After everything he had done, I regretted telling him to leave my house. God, what was wrong with me? Was I that addicted to him that I didn’t care about my heart any longer? No. It was because I refused to put my heart in the game again. I wanted sex. Mind-blowing, life-altering sex. I didn’t care what I had to do. I would fuck Dale again and show him exactly how it felt to be used.
***
(Dale)
I could still feel Max’s body tightening around my fingers. It had been a couple hours since I had her coming undone beneath me, and it would be several more before I could shake this feeling of need from my mind. I scoffed, slamming my fist against the punching bag. I would never shake this feeling. I wasn’t kidding myself. Max had always been my undoing. I was just too fucked up to see that. I was an asshole. First and foremost. But it drove me fucking mad I couldn’t remember everything. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. But I made a pact with myself that I would grovel and beg for her forgiveness.
Hopping from foot to foot, I danced with the heavy bag in front of me, slamming both of my fists into it until my arm muscles vibrated. My body hurt. It ached to the point of utter destruction. But the pain made me feel alive. For once in my life, I felt like I had a purpose. The Navy was my calling, but Max was my reason for surviving. I knew that now. Maybe I always had but my judgment was clouded by the other women, sex, and alcohol. It didn’t make anything better that I didn’t remember the other women. I got flashbacks now and again but the only person I came even remotely close to having a memory of was Max.
After finishing my workout, I took a shower and headed over to the King’s Harlots clubhouse. Working with Angel and the guys on renovating the club kept my hands busy and my mind focused. But it still wasn’t enough. I hoped Max would be there. Not that she would talk to me in front of our friends. Shit. I was like a fucking schoolboy, needing to make sure she paid attention to me.
Once I reached the MC’s building, I found my brothers huddled over a table lined with blueprints. The new recruits I had briefly met, Lian and Henley, noticed me first. They both nodded.
Angel’s head popped up next. “Dale, just in time.”
“Time for what?” For you to threaten me again?
His brows narrowed, his dark gaze focusing on me. His stare down became so intense, I had to look away.
“You get the shitty part of going up on the roof,” Asher joked, clapping his large hand on my shoulder.
Thankful for the interruption from Angel thinking up ways he could beat my ass, I grinned at Asher. “You’ve jumped out of a damn plane but you can’t go up on the roof?” I shook my head. “Pussy.”
Asher grunted, punching me in the arm. “That shit is unstable.”
“No, it’s because you’re a large fucker. The roof can’t hold your weight.” I climbed up the ladder. “Fatty.”
“Fuck you.” Asher laughed. “Just do as you’re told for once in your life.”
I rolled my eyes and climbed up the ladder leaning against the wall. We had been working on the club for the past couple of months. When multiple motorcycle clubs had been hit, this one was no exception. The girls had an even bigger target on their backs because they were women. They lived in a man’s world, and as fucked up as it was, I almost wished the explosion would have put an end to their club. It wasn’t right of me to think but I wanted Max safe. I wanted all of them safe. Too much shit had gone down in the short time we had known them.
“Hey, Dale,” Coby said when he reached the top of the ladder. “You just hanging out or are you going to do some work?” He sat beside me, handed me a beer, and took a swig from his water bottle.
“Still not drinking?” I asked, nodding toward the bottle in his hand.
“No. Good thing Brogan isn’t a drinker either.” He stretched out his legs, lifting his face toward the heat of the warm sun.
“How’s everything going?” As much as I hated talking about my own feelings, it never ceased to amaze me that I could talk to Coby about anything. It was like one look from him and all my feelings were sucked out of me. He should have been a psychologist.
Coby grunted.
“That good?”
“As each day passes, I love that woman more and more.” He turned to me. “I will say this until the day I take my last breath, I do not deserve her. Not one fucking bit.”
“What happened was not your fault, brother.” I took a long gulp of the cool liquid, the carbonated bubbles tickling my nose. Fuck me, it tasted good.
“Maybe not but it doesn’t mean I won’t stop feeling guilty.”
“True.” I nodded. “I get it. I may not have what you have but—”
“You will.”
My head snapped around. “What?”
“You will have what I have. Max loves you, and I know you love her.”
My mouth opened and closed. Well, that was new. For once in my life, I had no idea what to say.
“Listen.” Coby took a deep breath. “You both have been through a lot. Probably as much shit as Brogan and me. It may not be the same kind of shit but nonetheless, it’s shit.”
I chuckled.
His lips tugged at the corners but he kept his face impassive. “Love overrules all. Straight out. You don’t have to admit you love her. She doesn’t need that hearts and flowers shit. She needs you. Yes, you destroyed her heart but you have the rest of your lives to make up for it.”
“How the fuck do I do that?”
“Take it one day at a time. Be there for her. Spend every moment you can with her. Show her you’re not going anywhere. Have you talked? Have you actually had a conversation with her without it turning into a fight? Or something more?”
The back of my neck heated at our last fight turning into the hottest make out session I had ever experienced. “No,” I muttered.
“Exactly. Don’t push her, Dale. She may have been easy to control in the beginning but right now, she doesn’t need your domination. She needs you to be her equal.”
“We’ve always been fucking equal.”
“No,” he turned his body toward me. “Listen to me.” Rubbing a hand through his short dark hair, he took a breath before looking at me.
And that was when I saw it. Pain. The agony hidden behind his eyes made my heart skip a beat. Even though he had told me everything, I still couldn’t get over the guilt radiating off him. But I could also see it in Brogan. Whenever they were together, both of them were tentative around each other. I wasn’t an emotional guy but fuck me, their issues hurt my fucking heart.
“I know what it’s like to completely dominate someone,” Coby continued. “Call it kink. BDSM. Whatever the fuck you want. The need to control only became stronger after Leah died but now, I don’t need it as much. After what Brogan and I have been through, I realized it’s give and take. Control Max in bed, but don’t you dare start controlling her in her everyday life. Not unless she asks for it.”
“Why not?” I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.
“Because right now she needs a friend. She has her sisters but it’s different. Unless you’re us. I can talk to you about anything.” He frowned. “Which is odd as fuck.”
I grunted, shaking my head. “Well … I never asked for your lectures.”
“I’m not lecturing you,” he snapped. “See? You don’t listen.” He poked a finger in the side of my head. “Max needs you to listen to her. Have you asked her how she felt?”
I slapped his hand away. “How can I when she won’t even talk to me?”
“You’re not dumb, brother.”
“Are you telling me I should just not bother talking and wait for her to come to me first?”
“Ding, ding, motherfucker.”
“You have some serious issues.” I pulled back the rest of my beer.
“I do.” Coby winked. “It’s why my girl and I get along so well. We’re both sick in the head.”
I laughed. “Thank you for this and for not judging me.” God, I felt like a girl.
“No thanks needed, Dale. Just get your head out of your ass and be there for Max. That’s all she needs right now. The rest will fall into place. And stop acting like a woman.”
I opened my mouth to give him a smart remark when the tiny hairs on my body stood on end. They vibrated and hinted, begging for that single touch from the woman who invaded my thoughts and dreams since the first moment I met her. It was all I needed. And that was when I heard her voice.
Max and her sisters stood around the trailer while the guys continued mulling over the blueprints. Brogan had laughed at one point and shoved them aside. The woman could draw up a building in a matter of minutes.
I glanced over at Coby.
His gaze was warm as he stared down at the woman who stole his heart just like he stole hers.
She caught his gaze, giving him a wide smile and a little wave.
Never would I have imagined that Coby would find someone who completed him in every single way imaginable.
I want that.
“You’ll get it, brother,” Coby whispered.
The back of my neck heated, not realizing I had spoken aloud. Clearing my throat, I went back to working on the roof. But not before I caught Max staring up at me.
***
(Max)
I could feel him watching me. Every nerve ending on my body came alive just at the mere thought of Dale. It was enough to drive a sane person mad.
After I had shown Josee my current work inspired by the man who tore out my heart, I headed to the club in need of a break. But my fingers were itching to get back to the blank canvas sitting on my easel.
“He’s watching you,” Brogan said, sidling up beside me.
“Yup. He sure is.” Not like there was anything I could do about it.
“Have you both talked yet?” she asked, sticking her pencil behind her ear.
“If you mean by talk, did we yell and scream at each other and almost have sex? Then yes, we talked.”
She sighed, her gaze drifting back up to the roof. “Sex is a way of communicating in some cases.”
“You mean like with you and Coby?” I snapped my mouth shut at my outburst. “I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”
“No.” She waved it off. “Don’t be sorry. It’s hard to talk about. We have our moments but we’re getting by.” She pasted on a smile for reassurance. “Don’t worry about us.”
But I did. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.
“Don’t …” She shook her head. “Don’t look at me like that.”
My eyes burned. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. When everything happened, I mean.”
“It’s not your fault. God” —she threw her arms around my middle— “I wasn’t there for you,” she cried, squeezing me.
I leaned down, pulling her in for a proper hug. “You’re too damn short.”
She laughed, sniffling a moment later. “We need to hang out more. Just the two of us. I feel like we haven’t really gotten to know each other over the years.”
“I would like that. I have another art showing coming up.”
She pulled back, her smile widening. “We’ll be there. All of us.”
My back stiffened, my gaze shooting to the roof. When I saw that Dale was no longer working on top of the building, I frowned.
“Looking for me, kitten?”
I jumped at the smooth deep voice in my ear.
Dale chuckled, stepping in front of me. He leaned toward me, his mouth mere inches from mine. My heart fluttered. Just when I thought he was going to kiss me, he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear instead. That small touch sent a surge of heat racing through my body, forcing an ache between my legs.
I chewed my bottom lip, staring up into Dale’s bright blue eyes.
“Well …” Brogan cleared her throat. “I’ll leave you be.”
I took a step back, brushing a finger over my ear Dale just touched. “What do you want?”
His eyes twinkled. “To talk,” he finally said.
My mouth fell open. That was not what I was expecting him to say. No smart remark. No dirty comment. No sexual innuendo. My stomach twisted. The disappointment sitting on my heart bothered me.
“Please,” he added, his voice gentle.
I searched his face. For what, I wasn’t sure. To laugh at me maybe. To tell me the joke was always on me. But instead, I decided to do what my grandmother would want. “Okay.” I turned to walk away and stopped. “But not alone,” I told him over my shoulder.
He raised an eyebrow. “And why not?” His voice dripped with a hint for something more. Something I had always wanted from him. Something he had given me in the beginning when it still wasn’t enough.
“Because we fight and attack.” I turned back around and walked to the picnic bench across the driveway. “At least if we’re in the company of our friends, you can keep your hands to yourself.”
“I’m all for a public display of affection, baby.” He grabbed my hand, spinning me toward him. He leaned down to my ear, his hot breath brushing over my skin. “But I’ll do what you ask and be a gentleman. For now.”
Much to my surprise, he followed through on his promise and let me go.
“Dale,” I said when he headed toward the picnic table.
“Let’s talk,” he grumbled, thumping down on the table hard and scrubbed his hands over his face.
“Fine.” I sat beside him. “What’s going on?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, staring straight ahead.
“You’re being cautious around me. I’m not fragile. I won’t break.” I knew I wouldn’t because it already happened.
Dale sighed, letting out a soft curse. “I’m trying to be patient. I don’t want to push you but fuck me, I love it when you push back.”
My cheeks burned. “You were never like this in the beginning. You weren’t controlling. Not in the way you are now.”
“I want you to be my equal,” he whispered.
My breath caught. “I don’t know what that means.”
“Neither do I.” He turned his body toward me. “I need you to take me to her.”
I jumped off the table. “I can’t.”
“Max.”
“No.” I spun on him. “You don’t understand. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough.”
“Like fuck you aren’t.” He took a step toward me but stopped when he caught movement behind me. “We’re not done,” he said, walking away.
I watched him go. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t run after him. I didn’t demand answers and make him tell me he loved me. God, I was stupid.
“Max,” Angel’s booming voice came from behind me. “You good?”
“No.” And that was the most honest thing I had admitted to in months.