I NEVER CRIED over relationship shit. Losing my daughter was the only thing in my life to bring me to my knees. Even as a kid, I never allowed myself to break. But hearing Max beg for me to stay with her tore at my motherfucking soul.
I had promised myself and her that I would never hurt her again and that was exactly what I was doing. It wasn’t intentional. Not anymore. In the beginning, I was scared to love her, and now that I did, I had to let her go. But I didn’t want to. It took everything in me not to wrap myself around her, tell her how sorry I was, and bring her home. But I couldn’t.
“Please stay,” she pleaded. “I’ll do anything.”
I grabbed her wrists, freeing her grasp from my hoodie. “That’s the thing, Max.” I fisted a hand through her hair. “All I want is for you to love me. That’s it.”
Her chin trembled. “I’m sorry.”
I crushed my mouth to hers, tasting her tears on my tongue. “I’m sorry too.” With my heart in my hands, I walked away. Never again would I allow myself to fall for someone like I did with her. My heart no longer beat. My soul crushed and ripped with agony. She wanted me to stay but she didn’t trust me. Not completely.
I didn’t blame her.
But I couldn’t do that to myself.
I would rather be alone then be with a woman who couldn’t believe in my feelings for her. Love could only do so much before it ruined us.
It didn’t help when I couldn’t forgive myself for what I did to Max but when she didn’t forgive me, either, I realized then that it was finally over.
***
(Max)
“Oh, my sweet baby girl.” My vision blurred. “What have I done? How could I let him walk away from me?” The tears fell, rolling off my cheeks, and dripped onto the dew-soaked grass. With shaky hands, I placed the bouquet of yellow tulips at the foot of the grave.
It had been a couple of days since Dale left. I hadn’t seen him. I hadn’t heard from him. No calls. No text messages. I didn’t even hear from our friends how he was doing. Did he ask about me? Did he care?
My phone chimed, interrupting my moment of self-pity.
Jay: We’re leaving the hospital if you want to come visit.
She had the baby yesterday. A girl. And I didn’t go see her.
I was happy for my best friend but I fell into myself. Her patience tugged me out of that dark hole.
Jay had a hard labor after her water broke, eventually needing a C-section. The baby just didn’t want to leave the safety and warmth of its mother.
My feet moved before I had any idea what I was doing. It was like my body was controlled by a higher power.
This would be it. This would be the final test to see if I could move on or not.
Holding my best friend’s baby in my arms.
I never thought it would come to this. We had always joked that Jay would be single forever and then she met Angel. I was happy for them. I was happy for all my friends but it didn’t stop me from having my own pity party any less.
Once I pulled up to the hospital, the moment of truth awaited me.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to pull the strength from within but no matter what I did, I couldn’t find it. So, I faked it.
Rubbing the grit out of my eyes, I headed into the large building and up to Jay’s room. “Jay?” I gave a light knock on the open door and stepped over the threshold.
“Hey.” She smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed. I’m glad you made it. We’re leaving in an hour or so.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. I just …”
She raised her hand, stopping me. “I understand.”
I nodded, giving her a soft smile. And that was when I saw something I never knew I wanted until it was taken away from me.
Angel held the tiny bundle wrapped in pink in his arms. He met my gaze, his dark eyes warming. “Do you want to hold her?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You don’t have to,” Jay said gently. “No pressure.” She touched Angel’s arm.
He placed their baby in her arms and kissed her forehead. “I’ll give you a moment.” When he walked by me, he squeezed my shoulder.
My vision blurred, a heaviness settling deep in my chest but I took a step toward Jay. Ringing my hands in front of me, I stopped a couple feet away. “How did everything go?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“Good. Hard.” Jay brushed a finger down her daughter’s cheek. “But it was worth it. Everything …” She swallowed hard. “Was worth it.”
The air was sucked from my lungs. “I went to my daughter’s grave.”
Jay’s eyes shone. “How did that go?”
“I’ve been a couple times.” I shrugged. “I think it will get easier. I brought her yellow tulips. I like to think they would be her favorite.” I was rambling but I knew if I didn’t stop, I would fall to my knees.
“I’m sure they would be.” Jay cleared her throat. “Are you sure—”
“Yes.” I held my arms out. “Please.”
“Okay.” Jay smiled softly, placing her baby in my arms. “Max, meet Angelica Maxine Rodriguez.”
My head snapped up, a sob escaping my throat.
“You’ve been there for me.” Jay’s smile widened. “You’ve done what no one else could. You’re more my sister than my own flesh and blood.”
I shook my head, the tears falling free from my eyes. “I can’t. I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes.” Jay’s voice was firm. “You do.” She grabbed hold of my arm, gently pushing me to the chair in the corner of the room. “Take your time. Hold your niece. Pull the strength from her that I know you need.”
“I can’t. I’m not strong enough to move past this,” I cried, my tears falling onto Angelica’s forehead.
Jay sniffed, brushing her thumb over the drops. “You are the strongest person I know. We would like you to be her godmother.”
“Yes, oh God, yes. I would … I would be honored.” The sobs came out harder, crashing through my body and tearing into my heart. “Thank you.”
Jay leaned over me and gave me a hard hug. “I love you, girl.”
“I love you too,” I whispered.
“Take all the time you need.” She kissed Angelica’s head and sat on the bed, giving me a moment with her daughter.
My goddaughter.
“Angelica Maxine,” my voice wavered. “It’s nice to meet you, baby girl,” I whispered. “I’m your godmother and auntie. Not by blood but my friendship with your mom runs deeper.” I kissed Angelica’s forehead, inhaling the fresh baby scent. Memories of me kissing my own daughter’s head came rushing back, hitting me square in the chest. “Why?” I let out a sob.
Angelica squirmed, lifting her tiny hand.
I wrapped my fingers around it, gently kissing her palm. “I love you too, baby girl. I will spoil you like you’re mine and I’ll love you even more.”
I only just met her and already she had my heart. It was something I would never change or want to. With her dark hair, her tanned skin, and her bow-shaped mouth, she was my best friend’s baby. And she was perfect.