DALE TOUCHED ME. He held my hand and looked at me like I was the most important woman in the world. Knowing this could be all be over soon only made me hold onto him that much tighter.
Every so often, he would kiss my knuckles or the side of my head and whisper how sorry he was. How he wasn’t the man I deserved. And every time those words left his mouth, my heart shattered into a million pieces. So many damn pieces, I had no idea how they could ever be put back together again.
Our friends didn’t say anything but I could see the questioning glances, the unknown stares—if we would both explode on each other again. Little did they know that I was tired and that we were both done.
After telling everyone that we dealt with everything on our own terms, they backed off. I had never meant to tell them outright how Dale and I were sleeping together but when they wouldn’t leave us alone, it was the only way.
“Max, do you have a second?” Jay asked, coming toward us. Her gaze zeroed in on Dale. “Are you going to push me again?”
“Listen.” Dale let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry.”
Her shoulders slumped. “I know.” She looked behind her.
Angel caught her gaze.
“You’re lucky, though. I’ve never seen Angel that mad and trust me, I’ve pissed him off many times but …” She swallowed hard. “Just … no matter what happens between you two, don’t lose that friendship with your brothers. I don’t want you and Angel fighting again.”
“Fuck, neither do I. Your boyfriend’s punches hurt like a bitch,” Dale grunted, rubbing his jaw. “I am sorry, though.”
“I know.” Jay turned to me. “Think we can be civil?”
“Yeah.” I squeezed Dale’s hand, giving him a small smile.
Dale kissed my knuckles and made his way to Angel and the guys, leaving me alone with Jay.
“How is everything?” Jay asked, searching my face.
“We’re dealing. We talk when we can.” I looked back at Dale, my heart jumping in my chest with the love I had for him. “We’re not fighting as often anymore,” I added with a small smile.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t.” I shook my head.
She huffed, breathing slow and even. She rubbed her belly and winced in the meantime. “This baby needs to come out of me,” she muttered, letting out a slow breath.
“You’re due in a week. It could definitely be sooner,” I told her, handing her a bottle of water.
She took the water from me and glared at it. “Once the doctors give me permission, I am getting fucking wasted until Angel has to peel me off the floor.”
I laughed, ignoring the twinge of pain stabbing me in the chest. I would give up alcohol for life just to be able to hold my baby one last time. To have her stare up at me with love and adoration. To just be able to tell her again how much I loved her. My chest tightened, the air in my lungs shortening the longer I tried to breathe. I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. What could I have done differently? Did I take the pregnancy for granted? Was I being punished for all the wrong I had done in my life?
“Max?” Jay touched my shoulder.
I jumped back as if her touch had burnt me. I couldn’t …
God, I couldn’t breathe.
“Max,” her eyes widened. “Breathe.”
“I’m … I’m …” I gasped for breath, the panic attack hitting me full force. “I can’t …” I rubbed the ache between my breasts.
Out of nowhere, I saw Dale come running toward me. He moved me to one of the booths, knelt at my feet and cupped my hands. “Breathe, kitten.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I covered his hands with mine but my heartbeat was so damn loud, I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t control the feelings rushing through me.
“Max,” Dale’s voice was firm. “Breathe.”
I didn’t want to. I wanted God to take me away and let me be with my baby. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Seeing Jay’s swollen belly and the fact she was about to have the baby any time now, triggered the panic attack. It shouldn’t be like this. I couldn’t lose myself every time I was near her.
Voices sounded around us but all I could focus on was Dale’s smooth and calming voice.
I needed him to show me that I was strong. That I could get through this. That no matter what, I could find happiness again.
Throwing myself in his arms, I cried against his chest.
“Shit.” Dale hugged me, holding me tight. “It will be okay. It will all fucking be okay,” he said, his voice thick.
Sobs forced me immobile. I had been doing well and then everything hit me all at once. Jay’s pregnancy. My feelings for Dale. The agonizing fear that he could leave me. Even though I knew it was possible, I didn’t know how I would react to it. We needed time apart. I got that. I understood. But I still wasn’t strong enough. I knew without a doubt that I wouldn’t be able to pull back from that if he hurt me again.
“Don’t hurt me,” I whispered.
“What?”
I looked up at him through my tear soaked lashes. “Don’t hurt me. Please. Not again. I’m not strong enough.”
Dale searched my face, his jaw clenching. “It won’t be me hurting you this time.”
Cupping his cheek, I brushed my thumb over his bottom lip and replaced it with my mouth. My feelings wouldn’t leave my mouth but I tried with everything in me to show him how I felt through that kiss.
“You are strong enough, kitten,” he said, kissing my nose and then my forehead. “You are the strongest person I know.”
I wished I could feel the same way.
Pushing out of his grip, I helped him to his feet. “I need to take a walk.” I went to head outside when Jay stopped me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” I gave her a hug. “I love you. I just need a moment.”
She nodded, her eyes glazing over. “I love you too.”
Once I reached outside, I was tempted to hop on my bike and just drive.
“What do you want from me?” Dale asked, coming up from behind me.
“I want you,” I told him, sitting on the picnic table.
“Really? Because somehow I don’t think that’s completely true.” He came toward me and stepped between my legs.
My breath hitched, my fingers reaching out to grip his shirt.
“I do want you,” I told him, curling the fabric in my hands. “Why don’t you believe me?”
“It’s hard to believe you when you constantly second guess me. I know you don’t trust me. Not completely. I get it and I understand. But you keep pulling me in and pushing me away. Why, Max? It’s fucking with my head.” He pinched my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I’m too old for these games.”
“I … I’m sorry.” I swallowed hard. “You broke me.”
“I don’t remember. Not everything. I remember feelings. I remember that I hurt you. It’s like snippets here and there but it’s frustrating as fuck.” He pulled away, pacing back and forth, and rubbed the back of his neck. “The doctors can’t do shit for my memory but if I could get it back, even if it meant being reminded of everything I did to you, at least …”
“What?” I asked, peering up at him through unshed tears.
“I could apologize for every wrong I caused you.” He came toward me again and grabbed my hands. “I could spend the rest of my life, showing you exactly how sorry I am.”
“I want to believe you.”
“Then why the fuck don’t you?” he shouted, the cords in his neck straining.
“Don’t yell at me.” I shoved to my feet, pushing him back. “We were doing good and now this. The only time we don’t fight is when we’re fucking.”
“Max, we were never doing good. Don’t fucking kid yourself. This?” He waved a hand between us. “It’s damn toxic. If you can’t see that, then we’re both more fucked up then we thought.”
“I don’t know what to say or do anymore.” That flight or fight response was nagging at me. Everything in me was telling me to run. To get out of there. To move on. But I couldn’t. There was no way I could move on from this with Dale. Even we didn’t end up together in the end, he would always be a part of me.
“Be with me,” he said. “That’s all I ask right now.”
“Sex isn’t going to solve anything,” I muttered.
We stood there in silence. Time wore on and it felt like hours since we spoke to each other. This man standing in front of me forced these feelings to brew inside of me. He controlled my actions and my thoughts. It scared me how much I needed him.
“Please, baby.” He brushed a hand down my cheek before pinching my chin. Tilting my head back, he placed a soft peck on my lips. “I need you.”
I turned away, pulling out of his grasp. “I can’t continue fighting with you.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home,” I said, heading in the direction of my house.
“Like hell you are.” He grabbed my arm, spinning me around. “I’m not letting you walk out on me. Not again.”
“Me?” I shoved him. “I walked out on you? All right. You want to talk?” I pushed him again. “Let’s fucking talk. Let’s talk about how I go to sleep at night and get woken up by nightmares because I fear you won’t be with me in the morning. Or how about the fact that our daughter haunts me. I dream of her giggling. And it’s not her being cute. It terrifies me. It’s like my dreams are one big fucking horror movie. And this? Whatever we’re doing? You’re right. It is damn toxic but it feels fucking good all at the same time. So, if we’re not going to move forward, then what the hell are we doing?”
His breath hitched. “Max.”
“I’m tired and I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” I shoved from his grip and stomped down the driveway when I was suddenly picked up and thrown over Dale’s shoulders. “Put me down. What the hell are you doing?” I demanded, beating my fists against his back.
“You keep trying to run away, kitten. Well, fuck that shit.” He dropped me when we reached a dark alley. “You are going to stand here and listen to what I have to say.”
“You can’t force me, Dale.” I pushed him.
“Shut up,” he boomed. “Just shut up.”
I was taken aback, my mouth snapping shut at his outburst.
“I don’t remember everything and it’s driving me fucking mad. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I pushed you away because I was fucking scared. I know that now. All right? There. That’s the truth. Take it or leave it. And you are right as well. This does feel good even though it will probably end up killing us. But I’m tired too. I don’t care anymore about what is right and what is wrong. I just don’t care.” When he turned to walk away, I placed a hand on his arm. He glanced down at it.
“I …” I let out a slow breath, realizing it was time. “I want to take you to see her.”
Dale searched my face, swallowing hard. “Now?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I think it’s needed.”
He grabbed my hand, leading me back down the sidewalk to the club. Just as we approached the building, Coby came outside. The silent man only looked at us before handing Dale his keys.
“How did he know you needed his keys?” I asked Dale as he guided me to Coby’s SUV.
Dale looked over his shoulder. “He knows me well. Probably better than anyone besides you.”
“Oh.” I slid into the large vehicle and did up the seat belt. I looked up, noticing Dale still standing in the door way. “What?”
His finger skimmed lightly down my cheek. “You’re beautiful.”
My breath caught at the unexpected compliment. “Thank you,” I said, the back of my neck heating.
He nodded once and shut the door before making his way around to the driver’s side. When he joined me, he gripped the steering wheel tight in his hands. “Tell me where she is.”
I blew out a slow breath, finding the courage I knew I didn’t have but faked it just the same, and gave him the directions to the cemetery. “It’s a family run business. They take care of it themselves too. The grounds are beautiful and peaceful. Quiet. I figured it was perfect.”
Dale grabbed my hand, linked our fingers, and kissed my knuckles. But he didn’t say anything else. Sometimes I wished I knew what he was thinking. Was he always this dominant? Did losing his memory make him that way? It was a conversation we should have had months ago but I got so wrapped up in the guy, I couldn’t even breathe when I was around him.
Once we reached the cemetery, Dale pulled the vehicle into park. He stared out the window, his gaze roaming over the grounds with stones of all various sizes. “It shouldn’t have been this way.” His words were quiet, I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.
Before I had a chance to ask what he was talking about, he left the vehicle and came around to my side. Opening the door, he helped me out and as soon as my feet landed on the ground, he pulled me into his arms.
My throat closed, my chest aching at the permanent knot that had taken place in it months before.
His hands roamed down my back, holding me tight against his warm, hard body before he pulled away.
I swallowed hard at the mere look of utter pain and agony twisting on his handsome face.
“Show me,” he demanded, his voice thick with emotion.
I grabbed his hand, leading him down a path in the middle of the yard. We didn’t say anything as the solemn surroundings took over our thoughts. All of these people, someone’s loved one, they were now at peace but every time I went there, it still broke my heart.
When we reached the back of the yard, I stopped in front of a small grave plot with Baby Stanton Michaels etched into it. “I didn’t want to name her without you. As much as I was mad, I didn’t feel that it was right. So … I gave her both our names.”
Dale’s breath hitched. He looked between the stone and me, back and forth until he did the unexpected and fell to his knees.