“ALL RIGHT, BABY girl.” I took a deep breath. “It’s just you and me today.” I sat beside the tombstone, placed the twelve-pack of beer in front of me and pulled the first bottle out of the case. “Here’s to fucking life and how shitty it can be.” I toasted the air, popped the cap and took a long swig.
The early afternoon sun beat down on my face, warming my cold heart. The only good thing that had come out of all of this was that Jay and Angel had a healthy baby girl.
My chest tightened, that familiar ache growing stronger as each second passed.
Reaching for the second beer, I swallowed half of it before glancing down at the stuffed brown bunny in my hand. My thumb brushed over its face, the piercing, brown, glass eyes stared up at me. My throat closed. Finishing the beer, I tossed it on the grass and immediately went for the third. Fourth. Fifth. And sixth before I turned to the tombstone.
Baby Stanton Michaels.
She never even stood a chance. All because of me. Her dickhead of a father.
“Fuck.” I rubbed the tight spot in my chest, swallowing past the lump lodged in my throat. After the tenth beer, I finally felt the numbing I craved. My feelings diminished as the alcohol enveloped me in a blanket of peace. It was fake. I knew once the buzz passed everything would go back to the way it was.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I scrolled to my music app and played a song that spoke all the words I could never say. I hummed along with it, the alcohol only heightening the pain I had felt.
“I’m sorry, baby girl,” I whispered, dropping my head in my hands. “And I’m sorry for what I did to your mom. They say everything happens for a reason but fuck if I believe it.” My eyes burned. “Shit.” Alcohol flowed through my veins. The bunny stared up at me, taunting me.
“I don’t deserve your mother,” I told the grave, hooking an arm around the tombstone. “But I love her. I love her so fucking much.” I rubbed the tension out of my temples, the beer bottle falling to the ground in front of me.
It had been almost two months since I had seen Max. I heard through rumors only that she went to stay with her grandmother for a little bit. I had no idea when she would be back or if I would even see her again. She stepped down from being vice-president of the King’s Harlots but anything else? The information was locked up tight.
Trying to get any details about her from anyone was worse than bringing this organization to its fucking knees.
A small brown bunny hopped in front of me. It stopped a couple feet away. Its nose twitched, its deep brown eyes staring at me. It could have just been a coincidence, if you believed in that sort of thing, but I liked to think it was a sign. Of what, I didn’t know exactly. I wasn’t a religious guy, after dealing with the horror and evils of the world. It was hard to think how a higher power could allow something like mass murders and so on to happen. But this, with the stuffed bunny in my hands and the real bunny only a few feet away, I could feel a sense of peace wash over me.
“I don’t know if you’re trying to tell me something but I’m listening. I’ll listen to you for the rest of my fucking life, just help me understand. Help me understand that we can get through this. That your mother can. I don’t care about me. It’s her. Baby girl, I need her to be happy. I need her in my life. Help me find her. Help us find each other. Bring her back to me. I …” Tears burned my eyes. The bunny hopped a couple times until it stood within touching distance from me.
“I wish I could have held you. Just once.” My words slid into the air, floating away with the whisper of the wind.
The bunny tilted its head, wiggled its nose, and hopped away.
Scrubbing a hand down my face, I reached for a beer when I saw that the case was empty. “Fuck,” I yelled, slamming my fist onto the ground.
I reached for my phone, the small screen blurring before me. My head spun, the world around me tilting on its axis. I was drunk at my baby girl’s grave.
Fuck my life.
***
(Max)
Dale: I need u.
Dale: Where r u?
Dale: Text me back!
Dale: I’m drunk.
Dale: Nothing matters anymore.
There was an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach when the text messages stopped. I tried calling Dale but it only went to his voicemail. I didn’t know where he was. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks until now.
I went to his apartment, only to find that there was an eviction notice on the door. My heart jumped to my throat. What the hell?
When Dale was nowhere to be found, I went to the only place I suspected he might have gone. But what I didn’t expect to see was him passed out by our daughter’s grave with an empty case of beer beside him. And then I saw it. A stuffed brown bunny sat at the base of the tombstone. My eyes welled, my knees buckling beneath me.
“Oh, Dale.” I knelt beside him, brushing his bangs off his forehead and kissed him softly on the cheek. When he didn’t stir, I sighed. The scruff on his jaw had grown in some, wrinkles creased at the corners of his eyes like he had aged years in only a matter of weeks.
Pulling the phone from his hand, I frowned when I saw the music app on the screen. I pressed play on the last song he listened to and when the words registered in my ears, my breath hitched. The song was about losing someone and never having a chance to say goodbye. It was from a father to his child. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I kissed Dale again, letting my lips linger against his head.
“I love you, Dale, but you can’t do this to yourself,” I whispered. Alcohol solved nothing.
Searching through his contacts for Coby, I dialed his best friend and waited.
“Yeah. Porter,” came the deep growly reply.
“Coby.” I took a breath. “I need your help.”
***
“I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner,” Coby said, helping me put Dale in his SUV.
“Has he always drank this much?” I asked, brushing my fingers down his cheek.
“Only since everything with you went down.” Coby met my gaze. “This may be hard to believe but he’s loved you all of this time. He’s young. That’s no excuse, I understand that but after what happened …” Coby shook his head. “He didn’t wake up the same person.”
I knew that. Every time he touched me, I felt he had been different since before his accident. “He’s not the same man I fell in love with,” I confessed. “But I love him even more. Maybe … maybe I was in lust with him before his accident. I’m not sure. He’s … God, Coby, I can’t do this without him. But he left me.”
Coby, usually withdrawn and showing any lack of emotion unless it was directed toward Brogan, smiled. He actually smiled at me. “Neither of you think you’re strong enough to handle this. Look at what you’ve been through already.”
“Yes, but losing a baby can bring the strongest man to his knees.”
Coby’s gaze darkened. “I lost my own baby years ago.”
“You did?” My eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“The only person who knows besides Brogan is the man you’re in love with.” Coby took a deep breath. “I got married at a young age. My wife had mental health issues. I came home one day to her lying on our bed. Dead. She was pregnant.”
“Holy …” My heart reached out to the dark man. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m telling you this because I didn’t think I was strong enough to get through it but with Brogan, I realized I could take on the motherfucking world.”
I laughed, wiping a tear from my cheek. “She has that way.”
Coby grinned. “She does.” He searched my face. “Whatever happens now, just be there when Dale wakes up. I don’t expect you to jump back into a relationship with him. Just be there.”
I nodded.
“Let’s get our boy home.”
“My home,” I corrected. “We’re taking him to my home,” I said quickly, my cheeks heating.
Coby nodded once. “Good girl.”
***
(Dale)
My head pounded. My bones vibrated. My body fucking ached.
I was hungover as shit and the emotional turmoil I had put myself through didn’t help. Twelve beers later and I had passed out at my baby girl’s grave. What kind of man did that make me?
I woke up in Max’s bed, surprised to find myself at her home instead of my own. And that was when I remembered that I was evicted. My life was turning to shit and I had just that to show for it. Shit. Everything was fucking shit.
Sitting up, my gaze landed on the stuffed bunny sitting on the nightstand. Letting out a curse, I grabbed it and ran a hand over its soft head.
“You bought that for her,” Max said from the doorway. “For our daughter.”
“I did.” I let out a sigh and placed the bunny back on the end table. “I think she would have liked it.”
“She would have.” Max chewed her bottom lip. “Tell me what happened.”
I shrugged. “Nothing you didn’t see.”
“You were evicted from your apartment.”
My gaze snapped to hers. “How do you know that?”
“After your text messages, I went to check on you and found the notice on your door. So, I went to the cemetery and I found you there. Coby helped me bring you ho—here.”
“Text messages.” I checked my phone, finding the last texts I had sent her. Shit.
Max moved to the bed, sitting on the edge but careful to keep her distance.
Smart girl.
With how tight I was wound, I would lose it first before any of this was resolved. My hands itched to touch her. To brush the hair behind her ear. To just hold her. But none of that happened because she was no longer mine.