“HOW THE FUCK I let you talk me into this shit is beyond me,” Jay groaned through gritted teeth and gripped her lower abdomen.
“Baby, it’s not like it was planned for.” Angel rubbed her lower back, a hint of amusement flashing in his gaze.
I smiled to myself, shaking my head. “Come get us when the baby is born.”
Jay met my gaze. “Thank you …” She winced. “Fuck me.” She let out a slow breath.
“Take care of her,” I told Angel and stepped out of the room when I ran right into a hard body. A flush of heat washed over me.
“You good?” Dale asked, steadying me on my feet.
My best friend was about to give birth when I had lost my own baby a couple months back. “Yup. I’m perfect. You?”
Dale grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles. “I’m fucking perfect as well.”
My heart stuttered. “Let’s go back to my room and be perfect together.”
He kissed my forehead. “I like the sound of that.”
We headed back to my hospital room and sat there for what felt like hours. Maybe it was. We were silent, speaking through the small touches by just holding hands. I loved this man pouring his strength into me but I hadn’t told him yet. Not since the first time.
He remembered everything. All the women. Hurting me. Laughing in my face. But he still confessed his love for me anyway.
He didn’t push me when he knew how I felt. It was obvious in the way he took care of me. I knew that once everything was said and done, we would have to go our separate ways. Maybe for a little bit. Maybe for good.
My eyes burned, the lump lodged in my throat threatening to choke me.
Every now and again, Dale would lift our joined hands and kiss my knuckles. That small touch sent a flutter of happiness through me. But was I allowed that? Could I allow myself to have that reprieve after everything that had happened?
As if he could sense my thoughts, Dale’s brow crinkled. “Talk to me.”
“In a couple of days or so, I want to go back and see … and see our daughter.” I swallowed hard, breathing through the impending breakdown trying to control me.
“I’d like that, kitten.” His eyes warmed. “I would like that very much.”
***
(Dale)
Max wanted to run. She wanted to hide away from all the pain life had caused her. When she broke down in my arms earlier, I held her, but it wasn’t enough. She went on like everything was fine but it wasn’t. And she earned that right. She had every reason to feel the way she was feeling. I just wished she would open up to me.
“Let’s go see her now,” I suggested, the unnerving silence getting too heavy for me.
“Right now?” she sat back, staring at me through red rimmed eyes. “But what about Jay?”
“We’ll come back.” I sent Angel a quick text.
Max looked around the room. “Do you think they would mind?” she asked, chewing her bottom lip.
My body stirred. It wasn’t the right time or place but fuck me, I enjoyed when she did that. “No,” I said, my voice coming out more of a growl.
Her cheeks reddened. “Okay,” she breathed. “Take me to her.”
I dialed Coby’s number. “Coby,” I barked into the phone.
“Yeah, brother,” came his short reply.
“I need your—” Coby stepped into the room and placed his keys in my hand. “Thank you.” I rose from the bed, pulling Max with me.
“Wait,” she said. “I—”
The doctor took that moment to come into the room. “Oh.” He stopped suddenly when he saw me standing with her. “I was about to give you your discharge papers. You’re free and clear.” He placed a small jar in Max’s hand. “Rub this salve on the wounds. It will ease the pain and help with the healing process. But I’m sorry to tell you that there will be scars.”
Max jutted her chin out. “I’m aware,” she said, her voice firm. “Thank you.”
The doctor looked between us. “Okay …”
“Is there an issue?” I asked, my muscles tight.
The doctor flipped through his chart. “Tyler Bone.” He glanced at Max, shifting his weight from foot to foot.
“What about him?” Max rubbed a hand down her arm, clasping her fingers around her bicep to keep from shaking.
My stomach twisted over what that fuck did to her.
“He survived the surgeries.”
A forced laugh escaped Max’s mouth. “Of course he did. Thank you, doctor. We’ll be leaving now.”
“Max,” I said gently.
“I said we’re leaving,” she repeated, grabbing her clothes and headed to the bathroom. She came out a moment later completely dressed. “Now. Please.”
I nodded, thanked the doctor again and guided Max out of the hospital.
“You need to drive,” I told Max once we reached Coby’s SUV.
“Okay.” She didn’t argue and took the keys from my hand. “Still not allowed to drive?”
“No,” I grumbled. “After I drove the last time, I realized it was too soon. I have an appointment coming up and I swear if the doctor doesn’t give me a clean bill of health, I’m going to shit bricks.”
“Sounds painful.” Max smiled softly.
My mouth turned up into a grin. “No pain no gain, baby.”
Max’s smile grew. Moving to the driver’s side of the large SUV, she opened the door.
I did the same, standing on the passenger side.
With both of our doors opened, we stood there and stared at each other. Only a couple feet stood in our way of touching but it felt like we were miles apart. I prayed with everything in me that we could get through this. If we didn’t, I wasn’t sure what I would do.
***
(Max)
I love you.
Those three words were on the tip of my tongue but again, I couldn’t say them.
Dale stared at me from across the passenger side of the SUV, his big body filling the door frame.
“We …” I cleared my throat. “We should go.” Jay’s baby would hopefully be born soon and I didn’t want to miss being there for her.
He nodded once and slid into the vehicle.
I did the same and started it up. The big machine rumbling beneath me ignited that familiar ache. I missed riding my bike but it just hadn’t been the same without the other girls. I made a mental note to set something up for us to head to another town to see a sister club. Although I felt I was a crappy biker, I still enjoyed the wind whipping through my hair and the open road.
Once we reached the cemetery, my fingers tightened on the steering wheel. After I had brought Dale there weeks ago, a lot had changed in that short amount of time.
He loves me.
“Do you think we could have been happy?” Dale asked, cupping my inner thigh. “If she was born, I mean. Do you think we could have been good enough for her?”
My chest constricted. “I’d like to think so.”
“Do you think we could have been enough for each other?”
My breath hitched. “I think maybe she … she died so we could find each other again. Or at least be civil.” I met his gaze. “I know we need time apart. It’s only been two weeks and I …”
“What?” he asked, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.
“I miss your arms wrapped around me. I miss you, Dale.”
“I can’t be with you if you don’t trust me. It’s not fair to either of us.”
Chewing the inside of my cheek, I looked down at his hand wrapped around my inner thigh. His knuckles were torn from whatever beating he had given Charles. Black and blue bruises marred his wrists from being bound.
“I trust you,” I whispered. My tears were worth a thousand words but they still couldn’t speak. “I want to trust you with everything that I am.”
“Baby.” Dale’s voice took on a tone I didn’t like hearing. It became thick with emotion, rough with pain and deep with guilt. “I … fuck.”
Yeah. My thoughts exactly. I left the vehicle, waiting for him to follow, and when he did, only then did I head to our daughter’s grave.
Kneeling on the sun-kissed grass, my gaze landed on a single flower that had sprouted up from the grave. I wasn’t sure if someone had planted it there but, either way, I took it as a sign. A sob escaped me, crashing through my body and hitting me square in the chest.
Warm arms wrapped around me. A soft mouth kissed my head over and over. The small touch repeated itself until all I felt was the love Dale had for me.
“I love you,” I blurted, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I love you so damn much, Dale.” I gripped his hoodie.
He cupped my face, tilting my head to meet his mouth. “I love you too, kitten. I promise to make up for what I’ve done but you know we can’t be together. Not yet.”
He was right which made me cry even harder. God, I hated it when he was right.
“All we can do is take it a day at a time,” I told him through my sobs, “but I need you to be patient with me. I trust you. I do. But when she died, a part of me died with her. Please don’t push me.”
“I would never push you.” His brows narrowed. “But think about it, Max. Can you really trust me? After everything I’ve done to you?”
I searched his face, cupping his cheek. My thumb grazed over his bottom lip. My heart was full but my mind kept playing the images of him being with those women over and over in my head.
“Yeah.” He pulled from my grasp. “That’s what I thought.”
“I didn’t even say anything and you’re pissed.” A laugh lodged free from my throat. “I can’t believe you’re actually mad.”
“What the fuck do you expect from me, Max? Of course I’m pissed. I’ve tried doing everything to make up for what I’ve done.”
“You can’t make up for it in a matter of a couple weeks, Dale,” I threw back at him.
Dale crossed his arms under his chest, his jaw clenching. “We’re going back and forth again. I don’t see you for two weeks and then I find out Tyler attacks you. And now, after all that shit, you finally tell me you love me. Why, Max? Why the hell do you love me?”
“I can’t control what my heart wants, Dale,” I said, my voice rising. “I’ve tried leaving but every time I get on my damn bike, something calls me back to you. I can’t stop it.”
“Well, baby, I’ll make it easy for you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and started walking down the path.
“No.” I ran after him, grabbing onto the back of his hoodie. “You don’t get to walk away from this. I can’t move on from her death if you leave me.”
“I can’t be with you and deal with the judgment. I’ve done that for months. I can’t do it anymore.” He pulled from my grip. “I’d rather go back to fucking war then see the hate for me in your eyes.”
“I don’t hate you,” I cried, stepping in front of him. “I love you. I mean that. Please don’t leave me.”
Dale kept his arms at his sides, no longer trying to walk away but not trying to touch me either. “I can’t keep doing this.”
“I don’t hate you,” I repeated, leaning my forehead against his chest and breathed him in. “I’m sorry for not trusting you completely. But how would you feel if it was reversed? Could you be with me if I fucked a bunch of men knowing that you loved me?”
“Yes,” he said. “Because my love would be stronger than those bastards. I know how I feel. But do you?”
I swallowed hard. “We can get counseling. Talk to your doctor. Just please … I can’t do this without you.”
“We’ve moved past that, kitten.” He grabbed my wrists, pulling me from him. “I love you but I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t trust me.”
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I could tell him over and over again that I did in fact trust him but both of us knew it would be a lie.
Dale was right.
And I hated him more for it.