CHAPTER 16

JACKSON

I watched as she left with her bag, feeling the void in my heart. I wasn’t surprised by the fact she left as much as I was with the pain that I was feeling. I’d never had any trouble ending things with a girl before and just the idea of it over the last few days had made it hard to breathe.

I had thought it over constantly as I practiced and worked out with the guys. Nick talked to me when I wanted a sounding board and agreed that I should call things off. I didn’t want to fuck things up with Greg, and had to put him first. There were rules about that. What was I going to tell him now? Greg would be livid if he knew that Emma wasn’t staying here anymore, with or without knowing the reason. I was supposed to be taking care of her and I messed that up good.

I shook my head and listened to the silence of the apartment, something I never noticed before. It smelled great, and I looked back at the kitchen, remembering that she made dinner. I walked in for a beer and saw the covered plate along with the tray of vegetables. She worked hard on dinner and I grabbed a bottle from the fridge and started to go to the living room. I could watch some ESPN and settle down but as I did so, I thought back to the times that we did that together. It was lonely here.

There was no other option than to end things with her. I was moving slowly with Emma, more so than any other woman I’d been with. But I wanted her too damn bad to keep doing that. At the rate I had been going, I would have given in to my pent-up lust for her one of these nights and fucked her. That would have made everything between us that much more difficult and serious since Emma didn’t take that kind of thing lightly.

With her, I didn’t take it lightly either. Emma felt better than any other woman and I hated the idea of living without her. I wanted to know where she was now and ask her to come back, but Emma needed her space. I just didn’t want her to have it. I wanted her here, in my bed and my arms, as we watched TV. I wanted to know more of the woman who I’d seen lately and bring even more of that out.

This was right. I needed to stop things and there was a chance that she’d come back once she had some time to think. Her stuff was still here, and she’d only packed some clothes and her computer. We still worked at the stadium together, or did we?

My phone rang. I grabbed it, hoping that it was Emma. It was Greg and I let the call go to voicemail, avoiding the issue for now, hoping that he didn’t know she was gone.

When it rang the second time, it was Nick. I was a few beers in by now and I answered, leaning back against the couch.

“How did it go?” Nick asked.

I tried not to remember the sight of her face falling with disappointment again.

“She left. She said that she’s going to move out,” I replied as he went quiet on the other end. “Did I do the right thing?”

“He’s your best friend, and she’s his sister. I think so. Just give her some time to cool off and see what happens,” Nick advised. I drained the last of the bottle. “You’re not getting drunk, are you?”

“I’m just having some beers. I need to relax and not go find her,” I replied as I considered the bottle of Jack in the kitchen. “I’m not going to throw away my whole career over this, Nick. I’m not an idiot, just an asshole. Just a big fucking asshole.”

“Is she going to keep working for the team?” Nick asked, and I again wondered the same thing.

“I have no idea. She made quick work of getting the fuck out of Dodge. I guess we’ll see, but I don’t see Em quitting one job without having another lined up. She’s too responsible for that.”

“I have never heard you talk about a woman with the familiarity that you do her,” Nick observed. I silently agreed with him. “Are you going to be at the gym tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there at eight. I am going to finish this show and hit the sack.”

We would be leaving for Oakland in a few days for a road trip. I was at one time happy Emma worked with me and I’d see her everywhere we went, but now I had no idea how things were going to be.

“Sounds good,” Nick said, cautioning me not to waste myself into oblivion. I watched the scores blankly on the TV, knowing full well that any time before this I would only be thinking of the stats. What the fuck happened to me in the last few weeks?

I did try to go to bed when the show was over, but it was too quiet. The silence was overwhelming, and her scent seemed to linger everywhere in the apartment. I tossed and turned as I thought about the times we were in bed together. When I was touching her and watching her break apart in front of me. It was the most addicting feeling in the world.

I found my phone, wanting to text her.

I did text her in the morning after barely sleeping at all. I just said that I wanted to know that she was okay and safe. We did still work together, as far as I knew. I just didn’t see her there at the same time on a daily basis.

I didn’t hear from her at all that day or the following day before we caught the bus to the airport for our flight. I felt a few of the guys looking at me as I tried to see if she was with the girls, but they arrived after us. I couldn’t see any of them, much less Emma.

Nick sat by me on the plane and I shot him a curious look. He shook his head, knowing how tense I was about not hearing from her for the last few days. He knew that I wasn’t sleeping well and regretting things more with each passing moment. He didn’t ride my ass about it, but I could see that he was surprised by my reaction.

“I didn’t see any of them. They might be running late or Coach decided to have them stay home.”

He glanced around at the other guys getting settled for the flight. “No word from her?”

“No. She’s shutting me out and I am avoiding Greg like the plague. I don’t know what he knows, and I don’t want to blow it if he doesn’t know anything. This is more complicated than if I’d kept things going with her.”

“I don’t know about that. You were stressed then, just differently.” Nick shook his head as he pulled out his iPad before shoving the backpack underneath the seat. He typically watched movies while I slept on planes and I needed that badly right now.

“It’s worse missing her than putting off telling Greg about us,” I said softly and Nick looked at me sharply. “Jesus. Forget I said that. This is better.” I sounded like an idiot and I dropped my head back against the seat as I thought back to a memory that stuck out on my mind.

We all had been swimming at Greg’s in high school. There were a few of us guys and Willow and Emma, both of whom were sixteen at the time. They’d both grown up so much, but Emma had been striking compared to her best friend. She had been wearing a modest one-piece suit, but I could still see her curves as she blushed beside the pool on her chaise lounge.

I knew what those curves looked like up close now and it killed me.

Once we were in the air, Nick caught up on a show and I closed my eyes. I was wiped out. I’d been worrying and thinking too much the last few days and I just needed to shut my brain off.

We landed in Oakland and went to the hotel when I discovered that the girls hadn’t come. The fans here had a way of not making anyone other than their team feel comfortable, so Coach decided not to risk anything happening. I got to my room and sent Emma another text, telling her to let me know that she was okay. I said that I found out that she didn’t travel with us this time and asked again that she get back to me.

We went out with some of the guys for dinner, discussing the upcoming game as we crowded around the large booth. Well, they talked about it. I obsessed about my phone that wasn’t vibrating with a text from Emma. I ate and sipped my water as I thought about everything, knowing that being further away was going to make me feel worse.

We didn’t play until the following evening and I just stayed inside the room. I wasn’t a fan of this area to begin with and I hit the hotel gym alone in the late morning and returned to the room to doze in bed as the TV played in the background. Nick came back from going somewhere with the guys and we dressed to head to the stadium.

Coach was amped as we went over strategies, discussing their players and their strengths. It made me more tired after being such a lazy ass all day, and I reached deep inside me for the adrenaline that normally filled me at game time. Coach was playing me a little bit each game, so I’d had some practice and it was that moment that I lived for, at least before Emma. I was shocked when I realized that she meant more to me than the game.

We went out on the field to the normal boos and names called at us, but I felt confident we’d win. Their team hadn’t been doing so hot in the last few years, but their fans were still devoted.

By the time we won the game, I was frazzled and happy to sit out. I knew that we were going to win, and I longed to go back home and fix things with Emma. I couldn’t deal with this.

Instead, we made our victory lap around the field to the dismay of the locals and then went to shower and change. Some of the guys wanted to go to a sports bar to grab some food and drinks, though I stuck to water. I wasn’t feeling stable enough to drink. We were there for a couple of hours before I went back to the hotel alone, checking my phone to see nothing from Emma but a voicemail from Greg.

I decided to call him in the morning and see what he knew since we weren’t leaving until the evening. Some of the guys thought it might be nice to have some time to tour San Francisco while we were here, based on the fact that so many of the players were new. I couldn’t care less about that and didn’t plan to do anything, but Nick tried to talk me into it in the morning.

“We’re going to play tourist. It’ll be fun and will get the stick out of your ass,” he said. I shot him a dark look. “Jesus, Jackson, lighten up.”

I left the room to call Greg, listening to his tone as he answered the phone. He said that he’d seen the game the night before and that it was great and chatted about his sister as if she was still living at my place. I went along with it, relieved that I had some time to fix things when I got home.