Chapter Twenty-Five

LARA

“You can set up your station right over there in the shade,” I tell the face-painter. I figure that since all her patrons, the guests at Riley’s party, are going to be sitting for a long time, the shade will be a better idea. It’s unseasonably warm for fall, and with the first spate of autumn rain thankfully behind us, it’s bright and sunny for Riley’s party.

Ethan and I had booked a space at a park in our old town, central for everyone who would be coming to the party. Dad had tried to convince us to have the birthday in his backyard, the way Ethan and Alexis had her first birthday, but that seemed to me to be risking the accusation that we weren’t being impartial, or at least that I wasn’t.

Dad is pushing Riley on one of the toddler swings, and Ethan is helping put up decorations around the little sheltered area we’ve taken. The party should be starting in about an hour, and between all the details, I’m feeling like it will either be a big success or a massive failure in some critical way. The cake is safely stowed in a cooler, and a caterer is setting up her hot and cold trays on a table.

“How’s this, Lara?”

I look up to see Ethan, perched on the top of the latter, gesturing to the bunting he’s been hanging around the shelter.

“Looks good!” I call back. I take another glance around the spot we’ve reserved and decide that things are as prepared as they’re going to be before people start arriving. I head back to my car to freshen up a bit, and start thinking about the oddness of the whole situation.

After carefully asking around, I’ve found out that most of the people who went to the same school as Ethan and I believe that we’re in the process of reconciling. I’m not sure how to feel about that, especially since Ethan and I have been talking more and more about the whole sordid situation between him, me and Alexis. Part of me wonders if the people who knew us all in high school have something figured out that I don’t, while another part of me keeps screaming, every time I even think about getting back together with Ethan, even just as an intellectual thing, that Ethan will just break my heart again if I do.

“You looking to pick someone up at this thing?”

I glance away from my flip-down mirror to see Ethan standing a few feet away from my car, looking at me in amusement.

“Oh please. I’m not so pathetic that I’m going to try to flirt with people at my niece’s birthday party,” I say tartly.

“I’m just saying you look good, especially now that you’ve cleaned up a bit,” Ethan says, looking me up and down.

I roll my eyes and finish touching up my lip color.

“You’re not supposed to be looking at me,” I say. I can’t explain, even to myself, why I feel so irritable. Some combination of the pressure I’m putting on myself to make this happen, the knowledge that apparently a good dozen people think that Ethan and I are going to get back together, and worries that everyone is going to keep talking about my sister all day.

“Why not? There’s nothing wrong with looking. I thought we’d just agreed not to get physical,” Ethan quietly says. I flip the mirror back up and turn around in the driver’s seat, putting my feet on the ground and staring at my brother-in-law.

“I’m not going to set myself up to get hurt again,” I tell him.

“What?” Ethan frowns. “What are you talking about?”

I shake my head.

“Now is not the time to have this conversation. People are going to start arriving in like, thirty minutes,” I say.

“So, thirty minutes from now is not the time, then. You can’t just say something like that and expect me not to want you to explain,” Ethan counters.

“You broke my heart, Ethan. Do you really expect me to jump right back into the fire after I’ve been burned?”

“Why do you think I’m going to hurt you? And how the hell did I break your heart? You broke up with me, remember?”

“Were you always attracted to her?” I cross my arms over my chest. “And everyone who comes today is going to be thinking about how I shut her out of my life for so long, and how petty it was, or something like that.”

“If it wasn’t petty why should that bother you?” Ethan gestures broadly with his hands.

“Because I’m going to have to stand around with a smile plastered on my face for the next two hours pretending like I don’t know they’re all whispering to each other about me,” I say firmly.

“Call them out! What the hell is wrong with that?” Ethan shakes his head.

“What’s wrong with that is that I’m not about to make my niece’s second birthday party all about me. It’s bad enough that everyone’s going to try to make it about her dead mom,” I tell him.

“Then why did you even plan this enormous thing?” Ethan’s gestures get broader and he points to the shelter, the pony off to the side, the face painter setting up, all the things we’d discussed and finally agreed on.

“Because her birthday is important, and I want her to have a good day,” I reply.

“And she’s going to have a good day while you’re bitching to yourself the whole time about how everyone’s going to think you’re petty for cutting her mother out of your life?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, and I feel my anger building into a head of steam inside of me. I can barely contain it.

“We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if you’d managed to just stay the hell away from my sister,” I say, the words leaving me almost before I can fully think them.

“Oh, Jesus Christ. I slept with your sister. She got pregnant. We got married and had a baby. You’re complaining about how everyone’s going to make this about you and Alexis and here you are doing that already!”

“No! I’m making this about you, because it is about you,” I counter, standing up and barely managing to keep myself from slamming my car door shut.

“Why the hell is it about me?” Ethan stares at me.

“Everyone’s trying to figure out if you and I are going to get back together now that Alexis is dead, and they’re going to be thinking how screwed up this whole thing is, and it’s all because you couldn’t just move on with your life after we broke up and just… ran to my sister, or something,” I say, managing, at the last moment, to keep my voice under a shout.

“You’re the one who can’t move on with your life,” Ethan counters.

“I am?”

Ethan laughs bitterly. “You pushed Alexis and me both out of your life. If you had such an issue with me dating someone else, why did you break up with me? We were over.” Ethan shakes his head.

“If you really wanted to move on with your life, why did you fuck her in the first place? Why didn’t you just avoid everyone connected with me?” I cross my arms over my chest and pin Ethan down with a stare.

“Why should I do that?” Ethan shakes his head again.

“I did it, why couldn’t you?” I feel my eyes stinging and I blink a few times, looking away from Ethan. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ruin my mascara right before people start coming to the party. I’m not about to sit in my car and try to fix it, either. I take a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves and get my temper under control.

“It’s going to be fine,” Ethan says.

I close my eyes for a moment and take another deep breath.

“Let’s just focus on the party. Maybe we should give each other some space,” I tell him, opening my eyes and meeting his gaze.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ethan agrees. I check to make sure I have my key fob and then lock the car, and turn away from him to go back to where the party will start in a matter of minutes.