CHAPTER 17

EMMA

I knew that Jackson was gone for a few days to California, so I went back to grab the rest of my stuff while the apartment was empty.

Bella and I packed my things though not as well as I had for the move here. I just got stuff in boxes and we loaded them in our cars before going to get some pizza for dinner.

I was going to stay on her couch for now, but Bella said that one of the other buildings offered two-bedroom places. The dorms were currently full, so I considered it. While it was tight quarters here, I enjoyed Bella’s company. She distracted me during the day and kept me laughing.

It was at night when I was stretched out on her couch in the dark that everything weighed down on me. I had several text messages from Jackson taking up space on my phone as well as a few voicemails that I hadn’t listened to. I did read some of the texts, assuming this was what guys sent to girls when they felt like they messed up. They were full of concern and questioning if I was okay though I didn’t see any apologies yet.

What would I do if he did apologize? There was no way that I’d go running back to him after the way he ended things. It wasn’t like I was just some girl who he met at a bar. He knew that the first night he kissed me.

I put off talking to Greg since I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. He’d be mad that I was now on my own. What would I give as the reason for leaving Jackson’s place? I’d never admit what we did to Greg. It was the past, and it was harmless in the whole scheme of things. Wasn’t it? I’d end up meeting a guy at school and dating him and do far more than I did with Jackson.

It just wouldn’t feel the same. Nothing would. This crush had turned into so much more the little time that we were together, and it scared me.

I was at the apartment studying with Bella, knowing that Jackson was back from the away game. I knew that he’d seen my empty room and the lackluster note that I left thanking him for letting me stay there. I wondered what he thought when he walked inside of the apartment to see me gone. It was surprisingly messy and I resisted the urge to tidy, focused on packing and leaving for good.

There was a knock at the door and Bella looked up with a strained expression on her face.

“I hope that someone died,” Bella said with a tight smile. She knew the team’s schedule as well as I did. “Otherwise there’s no excuse for anybody being here.”

She walked over to the door dressed in her sweats and a loose T-shirt. She spoke to someone briefly before closing the door and giving me an eye roll.

“Jackson had some stuff brought over. He’s kissing your ass.”

She walked into the tiny kitchen and dropped off the bags.

“Let’s see. There’s Thai food, a bottle of wine and a few kinds of chocolate. Oh, look! A note.”

Bella looked at me as I walked in to look at the spread, awed by everything. “I’m starving, so I’m grateful to him. We’ve been studying for hours.”

She shoved the note at me and went to get plates and glasses.

I sighed and opened it, closing my eyes before I pulled the card from the envelope. I read the sincerity in his apology. I knew Jackson and he wouldn’t do this if he didn’t want to. It was nice, but I didn’t know what he expected me to do. Apologizing only covered part of the problem.

My phone rang, and I noticed it was Greg. I’d put him off enough lately and headed to the bedroom.

“Hey, Greg,” I fought a yawn as he greeted me.

“Hey, good to hear your voice,” he said.

“It’s good to talk to you. I need a break from studying.”

It was apparent that he didn’t know about my leaving the apartment and I felt relieved.

“How’s school?”

“It’s so much tougher than community college was. I kind of wish I’d stayed at home some nights! I love it, though. The classes are interesting, and I love the campus. I’m actually at a friend’s right now, studying with her,” I wanted to explain the girl’s voice in the background in case he heard Bella.

“It sounds like you’re settling in just fine. We’re all so proud of you, sis. You have a job and you’re in school all on your own. Apart from Jackson. He’s the reason that I felt somewhat okay sending you there alone.”

I felt a little angry that Greg said that he sent me here. I was an adult. However, I did appreciate that he cared so much about me. I felt guilt wash through me and closed my eyes. Damn it.

“Everything’s good. I miss you though. How is everybody?”

“Good. Dad’s working a lot since you left, and Mom started volunteering again. She’s busy but loving it. She went back to the shelter to help with the dogs and cats.”

“That’s great. I knew how much she liked that before. I’m so happy that she’s staying busy.”

“I see Willow here and there. It sounds like she’s busy with school and seeing some guy now.”

I knew all about Allen and smiled since she was happy with him. I had spoken to Willow after leaving the apartment and she cursed Jackson up one side and down the other. As much as she wanted me home, she said to stay in Nashville. I knew that she was going to keep my secret safe.

“How about you? Is Jackson keeping the guys away from you?”

“I’m studying and working too much to even think about that. He doesn’t have to,” I assured my overprotective brother as I rolled my eyes.

“I just worry. You’re so sweet, Em, and guys are jerks.”

If only he knew how much I knew that was true. They had been friends for years and I wasn’t about to mess that up. Jackson chose Greg, and he wasn’t going to be living that down any time soon. We talked for a little bit longer about his visit to Nashville that he was trying to plan as my stomach churned. Everything would be out in the open when that time came.

I ended the call and walked back out to the living room where Bella was eating the Thai food and sipping wine.

“Sorry, hun, but I adore Jackson at the moment. This shit is good. Is that okay?” She looked at me with a small smile.

I smiled back weakly.

“Don’t worry, Em, I’ll hate him again in a little while. Was that Jackson on the phone?”

“It was my brother. I’ve been putting off talking to him and needed to feel things out. Since he talked so highly of Jackson for taking care of me, he doesn’t seem to know that anything is wrong. He’d kill him if he knew otherwise,” I sighed.

I felt my stomach growl and grabbed a glass of wine and a bag of chocolates to bring back to the couch. I took a bite and sighed happily, liking Jackson for a fleeting second. I reminded myself I hated him and was on my own now, doing just fine.

I read my book as I ate, quizzing Bella on questions she had about a test she was taking the next day. She then did the same for me and I felt like I did surprisingly well, considering how distracted I was. We drank too much wine and ate too much food.

“How did Jackson know where you live?” I asked when it was quiet for a moment, feeling her gaze on me.

“Jackson knows because he’s dropped Nick off here a time or two.” She blushed and shrugged her shoulders. “I hooked up with him a few times.”

An uncomfortable expression crossed her face, and she downed the last of the wine.

“I’m feeling the alcohol, Em, so I might as well admit that I did that with a few of the players. I had a bad patch.”

Bella gave me an apologetic look.

“It’s no big deal. You’re a grown woman and if you like sex, good for you!”

“I didn’t lay a hand on Jackson. I promise. He’s more selective than people give him credit. Besides, I’d rather have you as a friend.”

“I couldn’t fault you if you did,” I assured her, staring at Bella’s concerned face. I was overjoyed that she didn’t sleep with Jackson, but I wouldn’t hold it against her if she had. That was then and even now, I wasn’t with him to worry about it. “And it’s fine. I think it’s normal to go through that. Maybe I should.”

She laughed and I joined her.

“Isn’t that what girls do when guys end things with them?”

“Some do. Not you. Hold out for someone special.” Bella smiled as she started to laugh again. “The words coming out of your mouth shocked me so much.”

“What if I don’t find anyone who’s like Jackson?” I asked softly.

Bella sighed and tilted her head. “Then it will just be different. You’re still you and I’m certain you’ll find someone worthy of your greatness. Just get through this first by not hooking up with anybody. It’s quite lonely at the end of the day, to be honest.” Bella smiled and dropped back on the couch. “I think I just need to die right now. I’m so tired.”

“I’ll clean up,” I offered, standing and taking our plates and glasses to the kitchen. There was enough food for a few more meals and I put it in the fridge before washing the dishes, placing them on the rack to dry. I put the remaining chocolate in the pantry and my head swam with the wine that I’d enjoyed tonight, realizing that it was all my favorite kinds.

At Halloween, when my brother and Jackson still walked with me for trick or treating, I always zeroed in on a few different kinds of candy bars. I’d give up everything else for them and looking at the stack here in Bella’s kitchen, I knew that they were all here. Jackson remembered the little things about me and my childhood, and I felt the last piece of my heart tumble into my stomach.

We cleaned up our books and Bella stumbled back to bed, telling me good night as I dropped back against the pillows. I was tired, but my mind was racing as darkness settled in and everything went quiet.

I slept lightly and got up to shower for my test in the morning. I barely managed to slide some jeans on and get my hair into a ponytail before I grabbed a sweatshirt and rushed out the door. Bella still had an hour to sleep, but we planned to meet for lunch and discuss how the tests went.

On the way out, I tossed Jackson’s note into the kitchen trash. I didn’t need it. He chose Greg and so did I. There was no need to hold onto the apology and I locked the door, rushing to my car to make it to school in time for the test. That was what mattered, not my silly fantasy about Jackson and the future that I wanted us to have.