Chapter Four

ETHAN

Things are already a little tense when Lara gets to the house, and I’m almost ready to make an excuse and leave. But with Alexis gone, and everything going on, I know I have to stay. I have to get through it.

Riley’s down for a nap, and Nathan is in the kitchen reheating some of the food that people brought for the family. The numbness that has become second nature pushes down any emotional reactions I might have. In spite of myself I end up almost staring at Lara as she takes off her shoes. I just freeze there thinking what if it was Alexis instead of Lara untying her shoe.

Alexis and Lara were always as different as they could possibly be. Lara was always the serious one, while Alexis was the fun, popular one. Where my wife had been blonde with green eyes and a small frame, Lara has dark brown hair and gray-blue eyes.

“Hey,” I say, feeling awkward.

“Riley’s down for a nap?” Lara almost sounds disappointed, and I can’t really blame her.

“Yeah.”

“Are you staying in Alexis’ room, or the guest room?” Lara crosses her arms over her chest and looks around the living room, like she’s trying to find the best way to escape.

“Riley’s napping in Alexis’ room, but I think… it’s probably for the best for us to actually stay in the guest room,” I say. I put my daughter down to sleep in Alexis’ old bed, and just being in the room had been almost too much to take. Seeing all the reminders of her had been enough to drive me out of there as soon as Riley was asleep.

“Too many memories?” Lara gives me a look as she steps over to the couch, and there’s a lot in it — anger, worry.

“Something like that,” I say, watching her sit down. I take a chair, not quite on the other side of the living room, but close enough.

“So, I guess we should talk a bit about… you know… how we’re going to do this,” Lara says.

“Do this?” I’m so distracted by so many thoughts of what has happened in the last week that I can’t even figure out what she means.

“Raise Riley together,” Lara says.

“Oh, oh, right,” I say, nodding.

“Because… I mean, it’s not like we live in the same town anymore,” Lara points out.

“That’s true,” I agree.

“So, we need to figure out how we’re both going to get time with her, and make this work.” Lara sighs.

“How are you feeling about what Alexis wanted?”

That’s a big question that’s been on my mind since the reading of the will. When Alexis and I had made the provision to have Lara in our daughter’s life if Alexis were to die, it didn’t seem that complicated. We’d made the change back after last Christmas, when Alexis was sure that we’d have plenty of time to talk to Lara about it, and when she had new hope that maybe, somehow, Riley could bring the family back together.

“I don’t know,” Lara says. She scrubs at her face and shakes her head.

“You don’t want to be in Riley’s life?” I ask. That thought had occurred to me more than once, too little, too late, but I’m terrified of it now. How am I even going to begin to take care of Riley on my own?

“I do, I do,” Lara says. “I love her, and she needs a mother. It also means that she is connected to her maternal family. I feel honored to have been asked… it’s just a bit of a shock,” she sighs.

“I know. We were hoping to talk to you about this this weekend. But, what is it then?” I ask.

Lara pulls her hands away from her face and gives me a brittle little smile. “I don’t want to deal with you,” she says.

I stare at her for a moment. I know I should have been expecting this. After all, there’s a reason that Lara pushed Alexis and me out of her life. And I have to admit that I could somewhat see the point in it. I should have been expecting it, even if she was the one who’d broken up with me. But to me, at least, it feels like her excuse to be bitter at both Alexis and me got old a long time ago.

“I get that, I guess,” I say. What else can I say?

“I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I haven’t since…” Lara presses her lips together and closes her eyes.

“I know,” I say quietly.

“But this has to be about Riley,” Lara says. She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly.

The atmosphere in the room is heavy and I can hear Nathan banging a few pots together. I have to somehow make this work for Riley.

“What is your work schedule like?” I ask.

“I’ll need to get together with my bosses, but some of the people at the office work from home two or three days a week, and with what I do it’s not hard to get approval, as long as I turn in my work on time,” Lara says.

“You know… I don’t even know what you do,” I say. I realize that I have no real idea even what Lara does, since she cut Alexis and me out of her life completely, I know next to nothing about her.

Lara shrugs. “I do website design, and some graphic design,” she says.

“Still lost,” I tell her with a little awkward grin. Lara rolls her eyes and smiles a little, but she’s beginning to relax, at least a little bit.

“Anyway, the important thing is that I can figure out a few days a week where I can have Riley. That way maybe you won’t have to keep her in daycare or whatever,” she says.

“Alexis and I didn’t want to put Riley in daycare for a while. We feel… felt she was too young. We wanted her to be raised at home for a while. Your sister loved being a mom. Becoming a mom and having Riley around made her so happy.”

I look out the window for a few moments. I am aware that the woman in the room with me probably hates me more than any other person alive.