Chapter Twenty-Two

ETHAN

I look at the big binder that Lara has brought out while Riley plays on the living room floor and shake my head to myself. Alexis had done a pretty big first birthday deal for our daughter, but Lara apparently wants to eclipse that, or maybe she’s just making up for lost time.

“I’ve got a few different theme ideas we could go with, and of course a couple of guest lists to look over. I feel like that’s going to be the really tough part,” Lara says, sitting down with a cup of coffee across the table from me.

It’s been weird ever since we had sex, and I guess I should have expected that. In a way I have to admit that Lara was right. We need to, at least for now, be able to take care of business without feelings being involved. Maybe when Riley’s a little older and things are more settled we can revisit the feelings that obviously never completely died out.

“She’s turning two, it’s not like she’s even really going to remember the birthday,” I point out, a little amused at the different themes that Lara has come up with, even as I obediently flip through the book. When did she find time to put this together, anyway? We’re both being run ragged with the schedule, even if it’s a lot better than anything either of us could have come up with on our own.

“There will be pictures, and when she’s older it will mean something,” Lara says firmly.

I look up from the book and I can see that she’s actually truly serious about this.

“We could take pictures of her at the park with a damn pony, and a cake, and it would mean something to her,” I counter.

Lara sighs and looks over at Riley. “It’s not just about her, it’s about showing the people in the family who need to know that life is going on,” Lara says quietly.

“Yeah, I can see a point in that,” I admit. My parents, and Nathan, amongst other people in the family, have all been anxious to reassure themselves that I’m doing okay, that Riley’s okay without Alexis, that Lara’s handling her new role as Riley’s adoptive mom. Nathan’s questions have gotten a little pointed whenever I drop Riley off with him, so Lara’s started being responsible for that task.

“I just want everyone to kind of back off us a bit, and this is one of the better ways of doing that,” Lara says.

I nod my agreement with that idea.

“I’m just looking out for costs, the same way I did with Riley’s first birthday,” I say, giving Lara a weak smile. Lara looks away, not at Riley, but at the floor. She hadn’t been around for my daughter’s first birthday, and had only barely been around for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s amazing to me that all this has happened in less than a year, that this time, last year, Lara was still freezing me and Alexis and even Riley out.

“In any case, it shouldn’t be that expensive,” Lara says finally.

“Some of this looks like it’s on the pricy end,” I point out, flipping through the book again.

“That’s just a ballpark, the actual party is going to be a lot smaller,” she tells me.

I look through things in more detail. Obviously Lara has put a lot of thought into this, and I have to admit a big party, as long as we invite the right people, will put a lot of rumors and bullshit to rest. It may even be fun.

“We just have to make sure that the people we invite to the party will all get along,” I say, halfway thinking out loud and halfway making a point to Lara. I look up from the binder she’s put together and see her nodding.

“Yeah, that’s the biggest thing,” she agrees. She glances at Riley. “I don’t want anything to ruin her birthday if we can help it.”

“Well, we know we have to invite all the grandparents,” I say. Lara makes a face but nods again, agreeing with me on that point. If either Nathan or my parents were left out of Riley’s birthday, it would cause even more drama. We can only hope that they’ll get along for the sake of their granddaughter.

“We should invite some of your friends, yours and Alexis’,” Lara says. I raise an eyebrow.

“But not any of yours?”

Lara shrugs. “I don’t have all that many friends from high school that I’m still close with, or who still live in the area,” Lara says.

“And those who are here and who you’re close with?” I ask.

Lara blushes and looks away slightly.

“They sided with me on the issue of you and Alexis,” she says quietly.

“So probably not exactly the best people to bring to a party where we’re going to be playing parents, then,” I conclude.

Lara smiles at me wryly. “Probably not,” she agrees.

“Well, you should invite at least a few people from your life now, maybe some friends from work?” I don’t want to make the invitation list too heavy with people who are or were on “my” side, that will create completely the wrong vibe, and Nathan will take it wrong, I’m sure.

“I can invite some people, and they’ll get Riley some great presents, I’m sure,” Lara says, grinning more genuinely.

Riley gets bored with her toys and comes over to us, toddling in her slightly clumsy way. I ask her if she wants me to pick her up and she shakes her head.

“Want juice!” she says.

Immediately, Lara gets up to go to the fridge. She mixes half apple juice and half water in Riley’s sippy cup and hands it to her, and Riley drinks about third of it down all at once, taking the cup away from her mouth with a big gasp for breath and then a belch. Lara and I both laugh and Riley smiles, pleased that she has made us laugh. She then clambers her way onto Lara’s lap, holding her sippy cup in both hands and looking at both of us in turn.

“Are you ready for your birthday, sweetie?” Lara pulls the binder from me and holds it so that Riley can see it.

“What that?” Riley frowns in thought, and I remember she’s too young to really understand what a birthday is, even at two.

“We’re celebrating you being born,” I tell her. Riley digests this for a few moments, frowning more deeply, and in that moment, she looks almost exactly like a tiny version of Alexis, complete with the little crease between her barely-there eyebrows and the puckering of her lips.

“Mommy there?”

If seeing Riley looking exactly like Alexis brought back my sense of guilt, her question reminds me even harder of my loss. As much as having sex with Lara a week ago soothed something in me, in the moment, it’s just made me feel the loss of my wife even more when I’m home alone.

“No, sweetie. Mommy won’t be there,” Lara tells her gently. “Mommy is gone.”

Riley considers this, and I have to wonder how long it will be before I can explain to her that her mother isn’t coming back in a way that she’ll actually understand it.

“But Daddy will be there, and Aunt Lara, and your grandparents, and all our friends,” I tell her.

“We should make sure to invite some people who’ve got kids Riley’s age,” Lara remarks.

“I guess,” I say with a shrug. It wasn’t really a huge issue at Riley’s first birthday, but I can see where it would take some of the pressure off the adults.

“She needs to start socializing,” Lara says. “I’ve been taking her to the park sometimes, but she can’t keep up with some of the bigger kids. Besides, she’s going to be starting preschool next year, right?”

“Alexis and I were starting to talk about when she could start,” I say. I don’t mention that we hadn’t really come to a conclusion on that, we’d put it off until Riley would turn two.

“I think if she’s ready at three, it’ll make it a bit easier on everyone,” Lara says.

“We’ll talk about it,” I tell her. I want to get off the topic, but I can’t think of anything that we could possibly talk about that wouldn’t just end up reminding me again and again of the wife I’ve lost.

“What do you want at your party, Riley-baby?” Lara turns my daughter’s attention back to the binder, and I watch her guide Riley through the different choices, pointing out pictures. Riley, of course, isn’t sure specifically what she wants, she doesn’t even really understand what her birthday is going to be. But she gets excited at pictures of face painting and ponies, butterflies and flowers, and Lara takes out a marker to make little squiggles next to what my daughter likes the best.

Once Riley gets bored of this, and goes back to her toys, her sippy cup still firmly in her hands, I know I need to start getting us ready to leave. And we need to make at least one decision about the party.

“How are we going to split the cost?” I look at Lara levelly and she shrugs.

“I figured once we decide between us what budget we want to go with, we can split that in half,” she suggests. She hands me back the binder, flipped to the page that has the ballpark costs for each of the ideas she’s had.

“I’ll think about it,” I tell her. I don’t even really know what Alexis spent on Riley’s first birthday. Alexis planned it almost completely without me, just telling me what part I would play. So many things in my life that Alexis just did and handled, without telling me about it, and now I’m running everything myself, trying to keep things half as organized as she did. Even months later, I feel like I’m treading water, Riley held in my arms, waiting for my feet to touch ground or someone to rescue us.