Chapter 19

Casey

I was in love with the man behind the steering wheel. The realization had hit me slowly, slowly, then all at once. Here I was, sitting next to the most wonderful man I could imagine, and I was carrying his child and falling in love with him. My world had done a complete 180-degree turn over the past five and a half months. A few weeks earlier, I had thought that nothing would come of this whole dating thing, but Alexander had proven me to be wrong. I’d never been so happy to be wrong.

As if going to see his family wasn’t enough of a step forward, we had also gone to see what little part of my family there was. I think what sealed the deal for me was Alexander’s actions at the cemetery. He took the time to introduce himself to my mother and tell her how much he cared about me. I wasn’t sure what else he said, but that was enough for me. It meant everything. No man had ever made such a grand and powerful gesture on my behalf. No man had ever cared about the woman who had raised me for the first decade of my life.

I peeked over at Alexander from the corner of my eye as he watched the road intently. I still wondered quite often how I landed a man like him. Every bit of him was perfect, every single part of his body and being. I started with his eyes. Those eyes of his had seen it all in the months since we’d met, and it hadn’t scared him away. He had watched as I broke down telling him about my childhood, holding onto every word I said. He had seen—and adored—the naked body I was often self-conscious about. With those eyes, he had seen my tiny apartment, and it didn’t matter to him. It didn’t matter to him that my entire apartment could fit inside his bedroom, or that I sometimes left dishes in the kitchen sink. He didn’t care that at least half of the furniture in my apartment was secondhand. I was able to see it in his eyes the first time he came to my apartment. It didn’t matter to him. His perfect eyes had a way of making me feel better, of telling me that everything was going to be alright.

I moved my eyes to Alexander’s hands. The hands that gripped the steering wheel were some of the strongest, most gentle hands I’d ever known. They were the hands that made their way up and down my back the first time we made love. When I’d thrown out my back a few days after Alexander’s grand proclamation, those hands massaged me until I felt better. Those were the hands that held me when I cried and carried grocery bags up the stairs for me.

Alexander’s fingers were both rough and tender, depending on the situation. I could feel them within me, deep and wild, pleasuring me as only he could. I could see them brushing tears away from my eyes or making their way over my lips to tell me nothing more needed to be said. On his right ring finger laid an old, bronze ring, a gift from his grandfather before he passed away. Those fingers were perfect. I could hear them tapping on my end table when Alexander wanted me to decide where to order takeout from, but I didn’t mind.

That smile. If all of Alexander’s money disappeared, and he lost his job, and he had to get rid of his fancy house and car, that smile would be enough to get me by. It was calming and exciting and welcoming and sexy, all at the same time. Waking up to those pearly whites brought new meaning to my life. I could see Alexander smiling at Lotus on our first date as I tried not to get chicken stuck in my teeth. I could see that winning grin as I took my clothes off by the lake on our camping trip. His teeth weren’t perfectly white or straight— though they were pretty damn close—but they came together to create a force of their own.

As Alexander looked in his rearview mirror, I caught a glimpse of his dimples. I never understood why girls said they found dimples attractive on a man until I met Alexander. They gave away what he was feeling, whether it was happiness or nervousness or sadness. This beautiful man’s dimples had their own language, one I had a feeling that I was just beginning to understand.

Those strong legs of Alexander’s weren’t in my direct line of vision, cramped beneath the steering wheel, but I daydreamed about them anyway. Courtesy of weight machines and bleacher workouts, those legs were toned and strong beyond belief. They were the legs that helped Alexander hog the blanket on the nights he slept over. Those legs had walked up and down the stairs to my apartment countless times so I didn’t have to put extra stress on me or the baby. They were the legs I knew would run miles for me if I needed them to.

Alexander’s body said all this, but what did mine say? I looked down, my pregnant belly blocking everything beneath it from my line of vision. The belly. I wondered how the baby factored into all of this. I was falling for Alexander, and I was certain that I would feel the same way even if I weren’t pregnant with his child. I’d been infatuated with him for months before we’d even said a word to one another. But there was no denying that the baby changed things. Alexander had said a few times that he wanted us to be a family, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he knew exactly what he was committing to. After all, I was still learning about all the things I’d committed to when I decided to start a family. We learned about another facet of parenting every day, most of them not-so-pleasant. Sure, our relationship was great now, but things would change when the baby came. We’d have to sacrifice sleep and sex for diapers and bottles. It would be a big adjustment. The most beautiful eyes couldn’t magically fix that.

A small part of me wondered if I was kidding myself going on this trip, the same small part that told me this relationship was doomed to fail. I tried with all my might to push that part out of my mind, but it was easier said than done. Casey, we’re past that, I told myself. We’ve established that Alexander cares about you and wants to raise this child with you, so why won’t you just let yourself be happy? This was the part of me I wanted to listen to.

I had spent far too long second-guessing everything when I knew in my heart that Alexander and I had something special. I supposed it was my nature, growing up with disappointment after disappointment. I so desperately wanted to come to terms with the concept that there was a good chance Alexander would never disappoint me. After all, his track record was stellar so far. The fact of the matter was, I was here, Alexander was here, and our feelings for each other were here.

I thought back to our earlier conversation during the little questionnaire we’d done. Alexander had talked about Allison, his first love, but I never revealed mine. When we had seen the sign to Tallahassee, we’d changed our focus. I hadn’t thought about the question again until this very moment, and I knew I owed Alexander an answer. I owed myself an answer.

“It’s you,” I blurted. Alexander’s look of confusion reminded me that my thoughts had been in my head and he had no clue what I was referring to. “Remember earlier when we were talking about our first loves?”

Alexander nodded. “What about it?”

“Mine is you,” I said.

Alexander took his eyes off the road and moved them all over me. “What are you talking about?”

“I had a few casual boyfriends in my college years, but I was never in love with any of them,” I said. “I’m in love with you. I love you, Alexander. And I know that it sounds crazy, and that our relationship is still kind of new, but I love you.” I took in a deep breath to restore the oxygen supply that I’d lost during my rambling.

“Casey,” Alexander started, his beautiful eyes staring into mine. “I love you, too.”

It was a relief to have that out in the open, at least to one another. I had been so afraid of accidentally blurting those words, ever since Alexander had come to my apartment with his declaration that he wanted to be with me. Now, I was able to say them on my own terms, when I actually meant them. “You do?” I whispered, years of needing affirmation creeping up on me.

Alexander smiled. “Of course I do. I love you, and I love our baby. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been dating. When you know, you know.”

He took the words right out of my mouth. I loved him. I was in love. He loved me back. More than that, he loved this baby I was carrying. He could have just as easily ignored the baby when telling me he loved me, but he chose to acknowledge that this baby was a part of our love. I was still processing it all, but it felt as though a huge weight had just been lifted.

Alexander’s words echoed in my head over and over again. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” It sounded so wonderful coming from his lips. I still couldn’t quite believe we had gotten to this point. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this way, but I was fairly certain it was never. Never had I felt such butterflies in my stomach staring into someone’s eyes. Not since my mother died had I ever felt so safe in someone’s arms. We were in love. I just hoped his family loved me too.