Chapter 26

Alexander

It had been two weeks since the idea had first popped into my head, but I’d been majorly procrastinating. I couldn’t put it off any longer. Casey and I were engaged, and, with the baby on the way, that meant the wedding could be any day now. It seemed to be implied at my parents’ house that we’d have a longer engagement, but there was something inside me that told me Casey wanted to get married sooner. I knew it was only a matter of time before she came to me and asked if we could get married before the baby came. In fact, part of me hoped she would. I wanted to be the one to bring up the subject, but I knew it wasn’t my call to make. I wouldn’t be the one walking into my special day with an extra thirty-pound bump in front of me. It wasn’t fair of me to ask Casey to sacrifice the day she had dreamed of just so we could be married before our baby was born. Nonetheless, in case she happened to ask, I wanted to be ready with my vows at any moment. In fact, I wanted to be ready with more than that.

Rolling my chair closer to my desk, I tried to find the words to start. How could I sum up my feelings for Casey on a single piece of paper? I wanted something special for her on our wedding day, and I knew a letter was the perfect way to go. She’d mentioned a few times throughout our relationship that one of the worst parts of foster care was never getting much mail, since she never really had a permanent address. Sure, we’d decided on the car ride back from Tampa that, whenever we did decide to marry, we would recite vows we wrote ourselves, but I wanted something more personal for Casey. I wanted to share with her the commitments and passions I didn’t want to share in front of our family and friends. I placed the tip of the ballpoint pen against the paper and hoped it would find its own way.

Dearest Casey,

You’re reading this because our special day has finally come. Should I say finally—or is “already” more suitable? It’s been a whirlwind, that’s for sure. A year ago, I couldn’t imagine this life with you. Now, I can’t imagine this life without you. I know we’ll be going in front of our loved ones in a bit and reading our nice, put-together vows to one another, but I want to share some private vows with you, as well.

I vow to put our marriage first. I know I can be a bit of a workaholic, or a gym rat, or a camping recluse, but you come first. We come first. I want you to always know that and never be afraid to tell me if you feel like that isn’t the case.

I vow to be the best father to our daughter that I possibly can. I’ve heard this whole parenting thing is hard, but I’m going to work my hardest to figure it out. I’m going to be there for every milestone and ballet recital and loose tooth and college tour.

I vow to be patient with you. I know a lot of the families you lived with didn’t provide you the patience you needed when you were adjusting, but you don’t have to worry about that with me. I know that these next few months will be challenging for both of us, but I will be as patient and understanding as I can.

If I write out every vow I want to make to you, you’ll be reading this until the baby’s born. For now, I leave you with this: I vow to never stop appreciating you. I vow to never stop trying new things with you. I vow to visit your mother’s grave with you every Christmas and honor her memory in any way we can. I vow to not only be a good parent, but a good co-parent. I vow to try to like white chocolate macadamia cookies. I vow to make lasagna once a week. I vow to love you the best that I can.

I’m thankful for all that you have brought into my life. You have taught me about honesty and openness and selflessness, and I wake up every day grateful that I’m starting another day with you. I’m thankful for the passion that we share and that you’re not afraid to be adventurous with me. You make me want to be a better person.

I love you, and I can’t wait to say “I do!”.

Yours forever,

Alexander

I lifted my pen, pleased with myself, and pushed the pieces of paper to the side. I wasn’t the strongest writer, but four years as the leader of a business had taught me to effectively put my thoughts onto paper. Telling Casey my hopes and dreams for our life together was the easy part, though. I’d spent the better part of the past few months with her. The next letter I wanted to write would be the tricky one. How could I sum the next eighteen years into a single note? I had to at least try.

Dearest baby girl,

You probably won’t be reading this letter until years from now, and hopefully we’re just as close as I hope we will be. You’re a beautiful, wonderful surprise, the love of our lives, even though we haven’t met you yet. I have high hopes for you, kid. I hope you have your mother’s big, brown eyes and innocent smile. I secretly hope you get my athletic ability, but, if not, your mother’s artistic talent would be nice, too. I pray that you have your mother’s resilience and your dad’s determination. Together, I know they will make an unbeatable pair.

I just wrote out my vows for your mother, and I thought now would be a good time to share my promises to you. Just like you’re going to be experiencing all sorts of new things, I’m new to this whole parenting thing. Let’s learn together. That’s my first promise. I will always try my best and learn together with you and your mother.

I promise to be the kind of father you can come to with any sort of problem. I don’t want you to ever worry about getting in trouble, and I want you to always feel like you can be open with me. I will try my best to be as open-minded and helpful as I can be. That’s what fathers are for, and I don’t want you to doubt that for a single second.

I promise to attend every dance recital, or soccer game, or spelling bee, or father/daughter dance, or choir concert you want me at. I can be a bit of a workaholic, so I may need your help with that one. You and your mother are the most important parts of my life already, so I can’t even imagine how much love I’ll feel once I actually get to meet you. I don’t want to miss a single important milestone in your life.

I promise to support each and every one of your dreams. I don’t want you to ever wonder whether or not I’m on your side, because I’ll always be right there. Along with that, I promise to respect your individuality and let you live the life you want to live.

I promise to go through the crazy teenage years with as much grace as I can. No promises that I’ll be perfect, but I’ll try my best. Right now, raising a teenager is the furthest thing from my mind, but I know that I’ll blink and it’ll be here. I promise to give you your space and freedom to explore who you are as a person and how you fit into this world. I will never judge your decisions and always help you be the best you can.

Finally, I promise to always be your number one fan. Your biggest supporter. Your cheerleader. Your confidant. Your amigo. Your right-hand man. Your hype man. Your best pal. Your friend. Your father. My sweet baby girl, I already love you so much. I promise that that love will never stop. I promise to love you unconditionally and always help you find your way.

Love always,

Dad

As I signed “Dad” for the first time in my life, I felt both excited and overwhelmed. It suddenly occurred to me how vastly unprepared we were for our baby’s entrance into the world. We’d gotten so caught up in the holidays and family and the engagement that we’d neglected to realize that we were around two months away from having a baby in our home. I closed my eyes and thought back to the first time I went to Brett’s house after his first daughter was born. What did I see there? A highchair. We didn’t have one of those yet. Baby gates, and baby-proof cabinet clips, and baby monitors—why hadn’t I thought of any of this? We didn’t even have a crib yet. Casey had bought some pink onesies and burp cloths since finding out we were having a girl, but that wasn’t nearly enough.

I panicked as I scribbled some ideas down on a pad of Post-It notes I kept on my desk for exactly this reason. Highchair. Stroller. Car seat. Diapers. Changing table. Baby gate. Baby monitor. Blankets. Baby wipes. Diaper cream. Pacifier. Diaper bag. Anything I’d seen at Brett’s house or on a television show that involved babies made its way onto my list. Call baby-proofer? I wrote with a question mark. I wasn’t sure if such a person even existed, but, at the very least, it would remind me that we needed to baby-proof the house. How about those contraptions people had in their homes to dispose of diapers? What were they even called? A quick Google search told me that they were Diaper Genies, and I added that right to the top of the list.

“Take a deep breath, Alexander,” I whispered to myself. I placed my head in my palms and rubbed my eyes. Calmer now, I looked back over the letter I had written to our future child. I cared, and that was more than lots of fathers could say. I was going to be fine. I would get the hang of being a father. I told myself over and over again that the nerves were the worst part. I’d learn all about raising a child as it came at me. For good measure, I added Buy book for first-time fathers to my baby list.

The letter I’d written stared me down as a reminder that I was doing just fine. As I folded the paper into thirds, I wondered what our baby girl would be like. Would she look more like me, or more like Casey? What sports would she like? Would she take ballet lessons like Emily had as a child? Or would she take skating lessons, like Connor and Patrick had? Maybe she would ice skate. There was a whole world of possibilities out there, and I wanted my daughter to have whatever she wanted.

I hadn’t realized until I put these words to paper how thrilled I was about becoming a father. Sure, I was also quite intimidated, but I figured that just came with the territory. When it came down to it, I was counting down the days until I officially became a father. It hadn’t been on my radar before meeting Casey, but, now, I couldn’t wait for our bundle of joy to arrive. She would be absolutely perfect.

I brushed tears away from my eyes as I stuffed the letter inside an envelope. Ignoring the bitter taste, I licked the envelope shut and ran my fingers over the opening. The next time that letter would see the light of day would be when my baby girl was old enough to read it. That brought a smile to my face. In the neatest handwriting I could, I wrote “Baby Girl Preston” on the front. For now, the two letters to the most important girls in my life would be safe in my bottom desk drawer.